epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Beserker Hell's Warrior + The Cat and the Canary

Berserker: Hell's Warrior (2002)

This is an obscure gem of horror cheese. 1000 years ago a wannabe Viking king (Patrick Bergin) loves his son Barek (Paul Johansson of 'One Tree Hill' and 'Highlander: The Raven') and betrays his other unloved son Boar (Craig Sheffer of 'One Tree Hill'). Lurking in the background is valkyrie vampire Brunhilda (Kari Wuher).

We get manly men vikings in their glued on beards roaring and sailing around in a longboat. After a lot of viking soap, daddy dearest breaks his word and Brunhilda turns Barek into a beserker.

Suddenly it is the present day and Barek has spent the past 1000 years as a murdering psychopath. He's locked up in a nuthouse and his hoochie shrink Anya (Wuher again) seems to fancy the crazy man who is tied up in leather and chains. Meanwhile outside the nuthouse some other beserkers led by Boar are lurking, still wearing their viking outfits.

Boar is a hungry terrier to get at Anya. Barek escapes the nuthouse and Anya brings him home, shows him her tattoos, Barek takes a gratuitous bath and the duo share an even more gratuitous shower. Boar lurks gurning.

Boar chases after them some more. Anya turns out to be the lying festering disease that is Brunhilda. Barek broods in his ratty wig when he learns he's been brainwashed and crazy for 1000 years and a brother vs brother confrontation reveals the truth. This was good. It's really bizarre but I liked it.

Best Lines:
"I am as your whore made me."

"You swore an oath, who will pay when you break it?"

"If Boar comes to call, I wouldn't want to be home."

The Cat and the Canary (1978)

A motley crew of avaricious relatives show up for a will reading. The heir is named, the others sulk and a killer lurks. Honor Blackman, Edward Fox and Olivia Hussey run around being way too camp. I reminded of 'The Last of Shelia' and 'The Mousetrap' but not in a good way. Cousins hook up, the blight of nature family turn on each other, the acting is bad and the reveal of the baddie is irrelevant. This was bad.

Best Line:
"Good evening leeches."
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