epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

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Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th + Metropolitan + Super 8

Friday The 13th (1980)
The remake was terrible but the original is even worse. In 1958 over-sexed idiots get bumped off at Camp Crystal Lake. Now more over-sexed idiots are at Camp Crystal Lake. The locals are unfriendly yokels. Men in too tight shorts walk around, the women have hairdos from another century and the soundtrack is annoying.

This was dull and boring, up there with over-rated horror 'classics' like 'Alice Sweet Alice' and 'Suspiria'. The creepy psycho takes his sweet time bumping off the idiots one of whom is Kevin Bacon. I'm wondering who would trust their kids to a summer camp run by these morons? Nobody notices the murders until their is only one half wit left. This was awful.

Best Lines:
"Camp Blood? They're opening that place again?"

"Don't get smart."
"Me? I'm as dumb as they come."


~
Metropolitan (1990)
A group of squeaky voiced debs in 1970's NY meet Tom, a committed socialist. Tom hangs out with them as a way of meeting another deb named Serena he fancies. Everyone wears 80's attire and are overly mannered. Tom and the Sally Fowler rat pack go from party to party to party doing really nothing and talking non-stop.

Tom is pompous, Audrey doormats and Nick is a wiseass. Nick later turned up on 'Gilmore Girls' as Jason. The baddie of the piece is Rick, a bad guy (who is also a Baron) who everyone loves except Nick. When Rick targets Audrey for conquest, Tom finally steps up after being smug to her for most of the film. This endless yapping can be dull and tiresome but it has some wit.

Best Lines:
"It's actually surprising to see you at something like this. In your letters you expressed a vehement opposition to deb parties and to conventional society in general."

"Dead father's are a common problem. Jane's father's dead. Very suddenly last year."
"Must have been awful for her."
"Yes. It was tough on him too"

"Rick...is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief. An egomaniac and probably psychotic."


~
Super 8 (2011)
From J.J Abrams who gave us the far superior 'Alias', 'Lost, 'Star Trek' and 'Cloverfield'. A group of annoying kids accidently film a train crash during which an alien escapes from captivity. Meanwhile one of the kids Joseph is ignored and berated by his jerkass father Jackson (Kyle Chandler).

The CGI train and its OTT crash annoy, the brats annoy and you can't understand 1/2 their dialogue. There are mysterious cubes. Joseph fancies Alice. There's a creepy dude in a truck and some evil military types. There is much ripping off of 'The Goonies' and Kodak product placement.

The fat kid Charles says "mint" non-stop. People are grabbed by the alien for unknown reasons causing other people to think the Russians are invading. Joseph thinks about his dead mother. Alice is yelled at by her jerkass father. This was sappy and dull. The ending is laughable as ET flies home.

Why is the graveyard so well lit at night? Why is the underground cave so bright? How did Joseph, Alice and the buck toothed kid escape from the cave? Why did the alien take people? Why did the alien have a face and human eyes? Why didn't the alien's magnetic powers rip the buck toothed kid's braces out?

Best Lines:
"I'm massively stoned right now."

"Drugs are so bad."
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