Willow has a vile haircut and talks like she is five. Dawn tantrums. Ben (Charlie Weber) talks to Dawn. Dawn says she doesn’t like marshmallows which is a big fat lie as she ate one in season 6. Then she tells Ben she is the key. Weber overacts in response and the whole Ben is Glory deal is revealed. There is really bad fight chorography. Willow and Tara use glitter magic on Glory. Buffy recovers from an injury quickly.
“The bigger they are...”
“The faster they stomp you into nothing.”
“Time to start the dying.”
Then was a season 2 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Happy Anniversary’ in which Wesley, Cordy and Gunn have set up on their own. Cordy wears ugly clothes and has bad hair. Angel circles the drain. Lorne lurks. The world is about to end, again. A scientist does boring stuff. Wesley’s girlfriend amuses which is probably why she vanished from the show never to be seen again.
“They come in for a reading. Then they don’t want to know, especially when the psychic faints.”
“You have neither the opportunity nor the intelligence to perpetrate this crime.”
Then came a ‘Cleopatra 2525’ ep ‘Out of Body’ in which there is way too much camp over acting, Rainia sends Cleo to another plane of existence and everything is childish and annoying.
Finally there was a ‘Kindred: The Embraced’ ep, the very first ep ‘The Embraced’ which starred the late Mark Frankel as Julian Luna. In a city full of secrets there is no one more mysterious then Julian Luna. Mark Frankel did brooding well. But the show is blighted by Frank (C Thomas Howell who cannot act to save his life) who is out to get Luna and is screwing Luna’s discarded mistress Alexandra (Kate Vernon).
There are exposition dumps, Frank is utterly unprofessional, Alexandra flits around, Cash annoys, Eddie annoys and vampires shoot guns at each other. Why Frank has a job is unclear as he comes across as unstable with his badly acted yelling and blatant provocation.
The leader (Jeff Kober) of the Nosferatu clan seems to live in Julian’s basement. Lilli (Stacy Haiduk) simpers, Frank is stupid and there is ridiculous dialogue. Julian sinks into the earth to cuddle his dead wife bones in her grave which is utterly icky and creepy in hindsight.
Julian meets his great granddaughter Sasha who is ‘troubled’. Everyone talks in a really stilted fashion. Alexandra truly annoys and the acting is dire. Frank finally notices his girlfriend doesn’t have a heartbeat – HOW DUMB IS HE?!? Frank gurns when Alexandra tells him there are vampires all around him Julian cries tears of blood, Alexandra turns into a wolf.
Interesting plotlines like Alexandra and Julian’s history is ignored in favour of Julian inexplicably promising to protect Frank. Alexandra dies. Or does she? Frank tries to murder Julian and then makes a big speech which is awful as his acting is dire. Did nobody at any point think to recast the role or cut his scenes? It’s that bad. This was awful but had potential.
“He likes to stay in the shadows.”
“They aren’t old enough to know what bad things I can do to them.”
The second tape was from 2000 and opened with a ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ ep ‘Unimatrix Zero’ in which there is more Borg dumbness. Borg drones dream, the Borg queen sneers, the Doctor patronises Seven and Janeway, Tuvok and Torres becomes Borg as part of a cunning plan. This was awful.
Then came a ‘Popular’ ep ‘Caged’ in which the guys think periods turn the girls into beasts so they lock them in the girl’s loo. The girls slap fight and all want to date the bland moron Josh. This was dull.
Then came ‘M is for Morlock’ which was a ‘G vs E’ ep. A baby is stolen, Morlocks run an adoption scam and the characters are all idiots in this boring mess.
Finally there was the first ever ‘Andromeda’ ep ‘Under the Night’ in which Dylan Hunt (Kevin Sorbo) overacts and falls into a black hole for 300 years. Steve Bacic lurks. Tyr poses with a big gun. This show actually had a decent plot arc going until Sorbo had it ditched midway through season 2 for being complicated. This was dull.
The third tape was from 2002 and started out with a season 1 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Nicodemus’ in which spores make townsfolk act insane. Pa Kent goes gun happy, Lana strips to her undies and does a back flip on the diving board. Clark gives Lex a head injury. I wasn’t interested.
Then came a season 6 ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Dead Things’ in which Buffy finally talks to Tara. Sadly Buffy only wants to discuss herself. The trio turn Warren’s ex into a sex slave and then kill her. The Buffy/Spike ickness goes on. Buffy makes everything all about her. This was boring.
Then came a season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Birthday’ in which Cordy’s visions are killing her. Phantom Dennis shows up. Skip the not so friendly demon debut. Cordy sees how her life could have turned out. She could have had her own crappy sitcom ‘Cordy!’. Cordy decides to become part demon. This bored.
Then came another season 6 ‘Buffy’ ep ‘Older and Far Away’ in which Dawn continues her shoplifting and whining. Buffy’s birthday party goes awry due to Dawn shrieking, yelling and needing a good slap. This was awful. What happened to Kit and Carlos?
The fourth tape was from 1999. It opened with a season 7 ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘The Emperor’s New Cloak’ in which people skip back and forth between universes. People talk and talk and talk. Regent Worf overacts badly. There is an idiot plot and bad, bad dialogue.
Then came a ‘Vengeance Unlimited’ ep ‘Critical’ in which a rich boy kills his daddy and gets away with it. But vigilantes Mr Chapel and KC get vengeance upon him. Rich boy’s idiot squeaky voiced friend annoys and drags the ep down. This was dull and had overly camp acting.
Then there was another ‘Vengeance Unlimited’ ep ‘Legalese’ in which a sick kid with sparkling hair has been poisoned by fertilizer. So Mr Chapel and KC seek vengeance on an evil lawyer. Mr Chapel wields a chainsaw, this was okay.
“You do know that’s a bad thing don’t you?”
Finally there was a ‘Nash Bridges’ ep ’25 Hours of Christmas’ in which the precinct is overrun by Christmas uncheer. This was dull. Kate Vernon guess starred. What did she do to her face in-between this gig and ‘Battlestar Galactica’?