epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

CSI Trilogy +Whistle And I'll Come To You +Murder On the Orient Express

CSI’ Crossover Trilogy Reviewed

Watched the CSI human trafficking crossover. It wasn’t exactly event TV now was it?

CSI Miami – Bone Voyage
Horatio Caine and co hunt for a missing woman named Ashley and uncover body parts in the glades. They also uncover the fact that a skeevy modelling agent Jimmy (Louis Mandylor) is a pimp and that a showman chef has a second job. This was dull. Why do the bad guys always confess and why didn't Madeline Briggs ask Cally for help there and then?

Best Lines:
“I found some skull fragment.”
“Walter, this is a turtle shell.”

“My house is bigger than your precinct.”

CSI NY – Hammer Down
A big rig accident reveals a human cargo market. Stella is a cow. There is speech making about body parts and forced surrogacy. There is an idiotic scene in a scrap yard and Madeline Briggs continues to be dumb. This was lacklustre and why is it all about Madeline Briggs?

Best Line:
“I think I’d like to go to jail now.”

CSI – The Lost Girls
When a weathergirl is sliced up, the team investigate and uncover a link to the human trafficking gangs. The team joke about the “ho-vine” and arrest some pimps and a deluded ‘wifey’. This was a damp squib ending and Madeline Briggs continues to have no agency.

Best Line:
That Russian has a lot of holes for people who cross him.”

Whistle and I’ll Come To You (2010)

This contemporary reworking of the MR James short story was a disaster. It bore no resemblance whatsoever to the short story. An old codger (John Hurt) leaves his wife in an old folk’s home and visits a desolate beach.

On the beach he finds a ring engraved with the motto: who is this, who is coming. Soon he encounters an apparition cue boring whining. This was unsubtle, terrible, sexist and about as scary as an ep of ‘The Worst Christmas of Me Life’.

Poirot: Murder On The Orient Express (2010)

Poirot boards the Express and is even more self righteous and annoying, why does he keep referring to himself in the third person? Fellow passenger Ratchett is paranoid, rightly so as someone stabs him. So Poirot prays and is a jerk and a bully as he sniffs out whodunit.

Who gave Poirot the authority to be a pompous ass? The writers and acting ratchet Poirot up to a mean little goblin king who is so full of it he’s a bowel with over slicked hair. He yells at characters played by David Morrissey, Eileen Atkins and Barbara Hershey. Poirot sniffs out a connection to the Daisy Armstrong kidnapping case,

Poirot acts like a bell end and makes it all about him. His ranting and gurning at the end was an embarrassment. This was not like the book; the changed ending was a slap in the face. Wouldn’t Rathcett have recognised any of his travelling companions?

Best Lines:
“This is the backside of Europe.”

“Some crimes God does not forgive.”

“What must never be forgiven.”
Tags: poirot, review

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