epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Ivanhoe + Frozen

Ivanhoe (1952)

In this adventure a knight plots to rescue King Richard The Lionheart before his skeletal brother John takes the throne. Also the Saxon/Norman conflict is touched upon and Robin Hood and his merry men play second fiddle to Ivanhoe.

Ivanhoe courts the bland Lady Rowena and deals with his mean dad. Everyone wears colours that belong in a drag queen’s reject pile. Ivanhoe’s idiot sidekick makes idiot jokes and Rebecca (Elizabeth Taylor) shows up to brood.

The rat like Prince John is a giant ball of suck, Rowena bullies Rebecca and there is a siege on a castle. It’s all very underwhelming despite hails of useless arrows and accusations of witchcraft. This film is crudely constructed and the set pieces are loosely stitched together.

The women have no agency in this film. Rowena is a bit of fluff and Rebecca is overlooked in favour of that milk sop. This was sadly dull.

Best Lines:
“I know of a route nearby but perhaps you would scorn it.”
“Why? Is it humble?”
“No sire, it is Saxon.”

“Bid them enter in peace and depart in peace. Or else depart in pieces.”

“What do you want of me? Be brief for I want none of you.”

Frozen (2009)

Two best friends and one of their girlfriends gets stuck on a ski chairlift because they were too greedy and cheap to pay for lift tickets or pay attention to weather warnings.

Parker, Joe (Shawn Ashmore) and Dan are stupid, irresponsible morons who babble, cry and bicker like toddlers when they realise no-one knows they’re up there. Also it is Sunday and no-one will be back until Friday.

This trio are so dumb: why didn’t they listen to the lift operator? Why don’t they huddle together or bundle up? Why do they touch the metal chairlift with their bare skin? Why don’t they wrap up? Why didn’t they realise the resort had shut down?

As they scream and yell and fail to find ways to get down, things get worse and even more ludicrous. But you don’t care: the characters are whiny idiots who act and cry badly. This film is ludicrous, boring and unintentionally funny. This was disappointing and one question is never answered: where did the big clump of blood on the safety bar disappear to?

Best Line:
“Why am I friends with you?”
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