“Let us talk by the giant pit of death.”
“Stop kicking people into the giant pit of death.”
“Your mother’s such an old sloppy drunk; I thought she was David Hasselhoff.”
The hero d’Artagnan (the boring guy from ‘NCIS: Los Angeles’) is a jerk, a rogerer and a destroyer of property. In an unfunny running joke, he is chased by a guy whose sister he rogered. Our non-hero goes to Paris to become a musketeer and falls into a scheme being schemed by Richelieu (Tim Curry, who camps it up)
Naturally this bears no resemblance to the book. The non-hero runs around and picks fights with Aramis (Charlie Sheen), Porthos (Oliver Platt) and Athos (Kiefer Sutherland). He needs a good punch in the face and truly is the “twit of the month.” For some reason the trio decide to befriend the prat d’Artagnan.
So Athos broods and does the Jack Bauer whisper, Aramis is greasy, sleazy and can’t pronounce the French names and Porthos makes jokes. They team up to foil Richelieu. Meanwhile King Louis XIII is a prat in a bad wig and everyone thinks his wife is Austrian when she was actually Spanish. Also why does the Queen of France have only one lady-in-waiting?
The quartet runs around and Milady (Rebecca de Mornay – whatever happened to her?) runs around as well. It all leads to a happy ending. This is on par with ‘Young Blades’ and is full of bad acting and sap. There is one moment of plot illogic is Athos changed his name why did Milady call him Athos instead of his real name?
“He takes his drinking very seriously.”
“I have become the nightmare you once thought me to be.”