In 1600 Solomon Kane is a mercenary who snarls a lot and never washes his hair. Then he encounters the Devil’s Reaper and decides to change his ways. He also apparently swims back to England from Africa.
Now Solomon is a puritan in a bad wig who fights Satan’s minions in the miserable, muddy perpetually rain drenched land of Englandshire. This is like ‘The Shadow’ and like that film, isn’t good at all.
There is an awful soundtrack, a flashback to young Solomon being disowned by his dad (Max Von Sydow) shows that young Solomon had a posh accent which his adult self doesn’t have. Solomon befriends a nice Puritan family and bad stuff happens. There is too much slo-mo, an obvious villain and creatures who look like left over orcs from ‘Lord of the Rings’. This was just abominable.
“Every foul thing that the light of Christ kept at bay is crawling up out of the pit to curse the land.”
“He can lead us believe me.”
“Where to Henry, the nearest tavern?”
“You lived here?”
“That explains a lot.”
Walter Eckland (Cary Grant) is a drunk beachcomber sitting out World War II and then Royal Navy officer Houghton (Trevor Howard) forces him into becoming a coast watcher on the deserted island of Matalava. Walter fumes, Houghton and his sidekick Stebbings laugh.
Then Walter gets some uninvited guests in the form of school teacher Miss Freneau (Leslie Caron) and her seven students. Cue hilarity as they take over Walter’s hovel, steal his clothes and hide his whiskey. Miss Goody Two Shoes and The Filthy Beast can’t stand each other, so naturally they bond. This is good with a dramatic finale.
“We could have transferred George Dickens from the interior if he hadn’t got himself eaten that way.”
“You needn’t make him sound such a shirker.”
“What is it?”
“He...he made a gesture, Sir!”
“What? What are all those?”
“As you can see they’re young ladies.”
“What if they’re dangerous?”
“Oh, we can always ask Mr Eckland.”
“Yeah if he says eat them, we’ll know they’re poisonous.”
“They want to get married.”
“Married? Good Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast?”