Cassie (Clea Duvall) works on her graduate thesis while she takes a fire watch job in a watchtower in the middle of the forest. Her VBF Andrea is a bit concerned but Cassie likes the solitude and Ranger Rhett. Then she sees someone one night lurking, finds evidence of a fire and talks to someone mysterious on the radio.
Cassie is freaked out by creaking noises, the wind and the dark. She has a past and so wastes her radio batteries and finally breaks it. Something is going on in the woods. Meanwhile Andrea learns about a creepy stalking nut and acts like Miss Marple with a weird voice. This is good which shows how people are willing to set aside moral considerations.
“A month in the woods? That would be way too ‘Deliverance’ for me.”
“Really not loving this all alone in the woods I the middle of the night waiting to be picked off by a serial killer and then eaten by a bear vibe.”
“This place doesn’t exist on any map.”
Sherlock Holmes doesn’t exist; he was created by Dr Watson (Ben Kingsley) who is the real detective for his writings. Watson also hired an actor to portray Holmes. The fake Holmes (Michael Caine) gets all the glory and the smug Watson does all the work. They also shout insults at each other and do not get on at all.
This leads to mildly amusing scenes with the loutish Holmes, the proper Watson, the disapproving Mrs Hudson and the scrappy Wiggins and the Irregulars having adventures. Lestrade also shows up to look like a twit. This first half of the film is mildly amusing. Then a boring Moriarty turns out to be lurking and plotting a plan that makes no real sense. There’s a shrieking woman (Lysette Anthony) in peril and the film descends into tedium. This is okay viewing.
“The same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt excrement?”
“John you have jeopardised the integrity of English literature.”
“Are you coming or not?”
“I would rather waltz naked through the fires of hell.”
“Are you sure he’s not trying to kill me?”
“Of course not, he knows you’re an idiot.”
“Astounding observation Inspector, we must discuss it.”
This is a butchering of Margaret Atwood’s novel. The book was fairy tale like account of three women who were tormented by the malevolent Zenia. This TV movie makes the plot all about two men drooling over Zenia, changes the plot and spends too much time explaining Zenia’s motivations. This was stupid.