Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)
Queen Elizabeth falls for Walter Raleigh (Clive Owen and his overdone spray tan) and faces the Spanish Armada and Mary, Queen of Scots.
King Phillip of Spain who acts like a villain in a silent movie plots against Elizabeth while his creepy daughter watches. The Armada is being built as Elizabeth is charmed by Walter who brings her potatoes and tobacco. Dudley has vanished and is not mentioned.
Elizabeth sports a series of way out fascinators as her Lady In Waiting Bess Throckmorton also falls for Walter. Elsewhere Walsingham is dying of dying and dealing with his idiot family. John Dee pops up to be the Tudor version of Dr Phil. Mary, Queen of Scots plots. This film is all over the place and you don’t know who half the characters are. Where is Bess of Hardwicke?
Raleigh and Bess wed causing Elizabeth to throw a tantrum like her father used to. The Spanish Armada sails and Raleigh is forgiven and dispatched to fight it. Drake pops up for a one line cameo. The defeat of the Armada is really underwhelming, the Spanish came to fight the English not the weather. Walsingham dies, Elizabeth poses. Credits roll. This was underwhelming all round.
Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)
If you like such collections of dark fairy tales as ‘Silver Birch, Blood Moon’, ‘Black Heart, Ivory Bones’, ‘Snow White, Blood Red’, ‘Black Thorn, White Rose’ and ‘White As Snow’, then you’ll enjoy this dark gothic film.
Lilli is the daughter of the noble Frederick (Sam Neill); he is a widower and so remarries to Claudia (Sigourney Weaver). Lilli hates her stepmother and the feeling is very mutual. Claudia tries to get rid of Lilli and Lilli ends up lost in the woods with some hostile peasants.
Claudia goes crazy as Lilli hides out with the peasants. One of them, Will, is mean and nasty to Lilli so naturally she falls for him forgetting her previous love for Peter and his bad wig. Claudia spreads the Black Death and torments her husband. Lilli eats a poison apple because she’s a moron.
Will saves Lilli and they head back to the castle to stop Claudia. This is all very gothic and looks rather like that old Meatloaf video for ‘I’d Do Anything For Love’
This is okay and there are worse horror films you could watch, like ‘Stay Alive’ or ‘She Creature’.
“You seem quite alive for a little wench whose been rotting in the ground.”