epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Hostage House + Godzilla: King Of The Monsters + Time Bandits + Aftermath (2021)

Hostage House (2021)

A mother and daughter get taken captive by fugitives during an open house. Violence turns the dream of real estate into a nightmare in a 70 acre estate. This was not truly unique or memorable. The fugitives are bitter, spiteful, bad tempered and boiling over with grievances.

This was errneous and dull. There is no covid. There is bad acting and uncontrolled aggression. There are scare chords and nasty people. This was boring, incessant and ridiculous.

This was irrational and there is no considerable tension. There are contrary intentions and this was silly. This locks in the inevitable ending. There is no rationale and this was not successful. This was not action packed or colourful. This does not radiate wit and charm.

The fugitives are a couple with a deceptive air. There is misbehaviour. There is a long wait for accountability. There is no positive behaviour. This is of no great relevance. There are indignant fugitives. This was deeply dispiriting. There are social pessimists. This was dubious and faintly absurd. There is no moral compass. This was not heartfelt. There is no hand wringing. There is no response commensurate with the scale of the problem.

This was risible with a twist. This was not messy or complicated. Emotions go unresolved. There is nonchalance.

Best Lines:

“Smell that?”

“Pine trees?”

“Multiple offers.”

“A huge get for me.”

“Higher end sales market.”

“What fills a house that makes it a home.”

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters (2019)

Gozilla takes on Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorahin in this incoherent sequel. Where's Godzilla been for 5 years? This stars Vera Farmiga. WTF are all these people doing in China? Why is the US military flying all over the world chasing Titans? Are there no borders? Are there no other militaries? There is a Kong mention and Charles Dance and Kyle Chandler and Viola Davis.

There is a mcguffin and exposition about 17 titans and a mention of Skull Island. Chandler does pitiful wails. VFX pixels blow up. There is a betrayal in this joyless film. Fate forbid they make more of these films. A volcano bat thing flies aorund.

People endure more horrible things. How are the baddies flying around with no one stopping them? Chandler's daughter does bad things with her mad mommy and then changes her mind. There is a callback to a 'Skull Island' character. The 3 headed dragon thing is an alien aka an invasive species. The US saves the day.

There is an infinite choice of monsters, a hollow Earth, uncompromising words, death, shady strategies and a fat Godzilla. I've no idea what is going on. A butterfly thing flaps around. I've no idea why any of this is happening. What happened to the butterfly thing? Vera has terrifying certainty. This was there.

Best Lines:

“Return of an ancient and forgotten super species.”

“Atomic testing awoke Godzilla.”

“Reclaim a world that was once theirs.”

“Something else is gonna crawl out.”

“Magic kingdom of horrors.”

“Monster zero.”

“Hauling ass up Argentina.”

“You're murdering the world.”

“A forgotten order.”

“The 1st gods.”

“Oxygen destoyer.”

“You're 2nd generation monarch?”


“Disasters we don't even have names for.”

“Slaying dragons is a western concept.”

“We opened pandora's box and there's no closing it now.”

“This isn't the world we want.”

“Grim search.”

“He's on our side.”

“For now.”

“Geat dragon who fell from the stars.”

Time Bandits (1981)

Sean Connery, Katherine Helmond, David Warner and Ian Holm feature in this incoherent tale of a young boy kidnapped by dwarfs for adventures in space and time. The incoherence causes indifference. This was of no consequence. There are hate filled taunts, fluff and drivel. This was terrible in every way. This was really awful and one feels derison for this frivolous mess.

Aftermath (2021)

Shawn Ashmore stars in this Blumhouse knockoff. Which Ashmore twin is he? This is allegedly a true story of how a crime scene cleaner and his wife had issues due to an affair. So they move to a house where a murder/suicide happened. This was the husband's idea. The house has remote locks and an attritional conflict builds. This was not glorious. Just ridiculous and overblown.

This was the worst, it was obsolete and excitment is in short supply. They have reasons they beleive to be valid to stay in the creepy house. This was dispiriting. A skanky homewrecking slut lurks. This was frivolous, strange and absurd. There are large and negative consequences to staying in the evil house.

This was dreadful. Someone perpetrates great cruelties on them. Terror is spread. There is a twist that defies all logic. This was appalling, fallacious and sclerotic.

Best Lines:

“I'm not even mad anymore.”

“Found their brother hanging in the closet.”

“The advice that we've been paying for.”

“Are you sure this is a good decision?”

“Hiding in the closet instead of using the front door.”

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