November 27th, 2019


Movie Reviews: Dracula (1931)+How To Murder Your Wife+Pitch Perfect 3+All Is Lost + 4 others

Dracula (1931)

Bela Lugosi stars. Renfield has catastrophic thinking. The cast of this cheapo movie were ill-fated. There is over acting and wise peasant characters. Renfield treats said wise peasants in an incredibly disparaging fashion. Their views are always ignored. Dracula lurks. This was based on a play, not the book. Why is Dracula wearing English evening dress in mittel Europe? Dracula's brides and their flapper hairdos lurk. What became of said brides?

Mega-psycho Dracula causes public alarm and mortal risk. There is staring in this inherently ludicrious film. Renfield is driven over the edge of sanity. Bats on strings are seen. Why is Renfield dressed like a consumptive Al Capone impersonator? Lugosi seems to be saying his lines phonetically. Castle Dracula looks like a squatters den.

There are no unexpected consequences. Why is there a bed in the dining room? Harm of a grave degree does not unfold. Renfield faints at the sight of a bat? Renfield is Dracula's slave. Fear him! Women have no agency. Dracula dies off screen. This was tiresome.

Best Lines:

“Ya looney!”

“Sole survivor a raving maniac.”

“Captain dead. Tied to the wheel.”

“Earth box.”

How To Murder Your Wife (1965)

Utterly inadequate sexist bilge.

Pitch Perfect 3 (2017)

The Bellas are despairing and in a pattern of negativity. They haven't grown emotionally since the 1st film. One neither likes or admires this. They've graduated. Is Fat Amy on drugs? The new Barton Bellas upstage them and then vanish from the film. The ex-Bellas join the USO. Old patterns of behaviour spring to life. There is abasement and existential anxiety.

This was a cultural nadir. This was futile and absolutely useless and there is a corrosive cynicism and insatiable ambitions. This lacks drama and causes massive disinterest. There are truly obvious revelations and this was shockingly bad. Ruby Rose sings Zombie on an army base. Serious trouble unfolds. There is no terrifying potential.

John Lithgow plays Fat Amy's evil dad. Bees cause a party to become chaos. Ruby Rose is a good singer. The Bellas have no dignity and wreak havoc. This was not joyous. How terrible everything is. TPTB have no willingness to try new things. This was impossibly low brow and serves no purpose.

Logic is utterly ignored. Lithgow puts on a bizarre accent. This was a fiasco. This was disastrous. There is no rising tension. What is so special about Anna Kendrick that every man wants her? There are happy ever afters. There is a dip kiss. Rebel Wilson, Hailee Steinfeld, Brittany Snow, Matt Lanter of 'Timeless', 'Star-Crossed', '90210' and 'Vampires Suck', Guy Burnet of 'Hollyoaks' and 'Counterpart' and Elizabeth Banks star.

Best Lines:

“Unlikely group of not men.”

“I carry mace.”

“This turd burger.”

“B team Bellas.”

“I was supposed to go to my brother's wedding. But this is nice too.”

“I hate a fake bitch!”

“Was I not always in?”

“Sing other peoples songs. Like a cover band.”

“That is a startling insight.”

“You're a very stupid person.”

“Listing stuff.”

“Don't make me keep singing.”

“Your glands look frustrated.”

“Portable beehive.”

“Forget where we were in the conversation.”

“I don't know how else to live.”

“Keep it in the relevant key.”

“Lot of exposition.”

“Get away then.”

“My dad's yacht: the Fat Dingo Bitch! That's what he always used to call my mum!”

All Is Lost (2013)

Robert Redford in peril. This was not dread inducing.

Frost/Nixon (2008)

Michael Sheen and Frank Langella star in a film about a tv interview between David Frost and Richard Nixon. Oliver Platt, Toby Jones and Kevin Bacon co star. This was a dreary slog. Ford pardons the blowhard Nixon. There are ACTINGS and everyone is orange and Nixon is defeated by good old fashioned British pluck.

Best Lines:

“Not in your intellectual class.”

“That's not normally the way lawyers fees are delivered.”

Destroyer (2018)

Nicole Kidman stars in this depressing film. People are aghast at her. This was misconceived and nobody lives a blameless life. This was far below Kidman's best. There is shocking callousness and past bad choices had a life changing impact on her. There are a range of harms. This was woeful. Something very bad happened in the past and it was all for nothing.

People are rigid, testy and ill-informed. There are flashbacks and Sebastian Stan. This was grimly predictable. A past undercover job went wrong. There is no sense of purpose or control. This was terrible and horrible and full of vile and wrong people. There is infliction of emotional suffering. Erin (Kidman) has a brat teenage daughter. She ignores her. There is deep adversity in Erin's past.

There is evidence free whimsy. One has little regard for this. There are ruinous consequences for everything. People are in less than ideal circumstances. Things get rather grim. Erin is anxious and maudlin and conducts her life without help or support. Unrest is formented. Silas is the big bad. There is serious decline and harsh tragedy and bank robberies. There is intolerable behaviour and a twisty ending.

Best Lines:

“How did you think this was going to go?”

“What you failed to prevent.”

“Know your whole sad story.”

“Playing out some little vendetta.”

“Ghost gun.”

“I left it alone. He started it again.”

“I see who you are.”

“She chose to live with you.”

“Mistaken impression.”

Ashby (2015)

I cannot stress how aggressively I do not care about anything Mickey Rourke does ever again.

Locke (2013)

Tom Hardy acts and his accent seems to change every 2 minutes. He talks on the phone to various people. His whining whore is having his baby. He's fired and wrecked his marriage for a woman he doesn't even like. Locke is a vile tool who treats his wife terribly. This was okay.

To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'The Walking Dead: Worlds Beyond' season 1 teaser

It's about kids raised in the apoc? This looks like YA crap. This actually looks like a spoof. No.

Best Line:

“Last light of the world.”

'Fear The Walking Dead' season 2 trailer

WTF? Why is Madison so obsessed with her loser druggie son? Mmmm. There are the rantings of a lunatic and hostile forces.

Best Line:

“The worst of men.”

'Hollyoaks' promo

John Paul's back. Sid is fostered by Leela. Darren's sorry he cheated on Nancy and ditched his family. Liberty is dumb. Mercedes wakes up from her coma unrepentant. Warren returns. People are out-woed.

'Gold Digger' 1x04 promo

Ted is self obsessed.

Dark chocolate whole nut – nice.

Who saw 'Brothers', 'Town And Country', 'Cutthroat Island', 'Nixon', 'The Fan', 'Bugsy' or 'Field Of Dreams'?

I'll review 'Maynard's House' and 'Usher's Passing'.

'Murder In The Bush' was WTF?!?

'TVNow' Quote:

“Day never dawns.”

'Virgin Media News' Quotes:

“Do down.”

“Cultural value.”

'RTE News' Quotes:

“This is my town and this is my chip van.”

“Jumping the queue at a chip van.”

“Exercise good judgement.”

“Different intentions.”

“Appalled by the consequences of his actions.”

'Total Divas' Quote:

“Super pathogen.”

'Sky News' Quote:

“Much too careless with his words and company and some of his deeds.”

'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“I don't believe I can have what I want in this life.”

“I've tried gratitude.”

“Lose interest in foods I usually like.”

“Bound by loyalty or blood.”

“Destiny they are entitled to control.”


“A printer that couldn't fit into the building.”

“The ruins of a considerably older structure.”

“An evil that has no historical precedent;”

“Struggling to stop.”

“Illegal aggressive wars.”

“I'm sure I would yearn for those days if I could remember them.”

“Excluded from the national conversation?”

'Channel 4 News' Quote:

“Refused to engage.”

'Sleuths, Spies & Sorcerers' Quote:

“Indoor business.”


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Book Reviews: The Influence + Sherlock Holmes In Orbit, part 1

The Influence by Ramsey Campbell

This 1988 horror has an evil witch (?) old woman, a supernatural proof father and a little girl who is the target of her witchy great-aunt who wants to defy death. The family are sick of great aunt Queenie so when she's dead; they're glad. But Queenie was terrified of what's on the other side and there is cumulative disturbance and a slow build up of dread as she tries to return and take over Rowan's life.

Rowan's parents are useless. Her mother stands by a husband she'd be better off leaving. Her husband has outbreaks of rage and rising discontent. In life Queenie had callous brutality and utter indifference for her kin, this icy loathing only grows after her death. Queenie makes difficulties and is beyond being placated. This was good as young Rowan is in extremity.

Best Lines:

“What kind of eternity was deserved.”

“Expression of malice.”

“Socially interact.”

“Chucked himself under a train. Reckon that's normal do you?”

“Drive out the imposter.”

“Didn't feel welcome enough to go in.”

“I did love you, however hard you made it for us to.”

“A vast darkness that led somewhere Alison rather not see.”

Sherlock Holmes In Orbit edited by Mike Resnick and Martin H. Greenberg, part 1

This 1995 DAW antholgoy was authorized by Dame Jean Conan Doyle. Who?


“A nostalgic country of the mind, where it is always 1895.”

The Musgrave Version

By George Alec Effinger. Someone claims Watson was an unreliable narator. This is a story of a young Holmes v Fu Manchu. The narrator is a snob and claims to ahve been quietly influential on Holmes on an undescribed fantastical adventure. This was a nothing sequence.

Best Line:

“Attract unpleasant attention.”

The Case Of The Detective's Smile

Holmes encounters Alice In Wonderland. Watson is reverential of Holmes and still belives himself Holmes' favourite friend even when Holmes challenges that belief by hurting him. This was not affecting and causes discontentment.

The Adventure Of The Russian Grave

Holmes and Watson in Russia! Unwittingly they've headed into a trap set by the long dead Moriarty: Tunguska. This was ill-advised.

The Adventure Of The Field Theorems

By Vonda N. McIntyre. I've read this before. Arthur Conan Doyle encounters Martians. This was okay.

The Adventure Of The Missing Coffin

By Laura Resnick. Holmes encounters vampyres! This was unfunny comedy.

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Supergirl 5x06 + The Name Of The Rose 1x05&1x06 + Gold Digger 1x03 Reviewed

Confidence Women

The best (and only good ep of this season so far). Andrea works for Leviathan. This season has been atrocious and disastrous. Lena has had a challenging and traumatic life. Andrea tries to 'rescue' someone. Flashbacks show Andrea and Lena's friendship. Lena has a resentment that seems very dangerous.

People have dark purposes. Alex wears a spy catsuit and is a twit. Andrea stole Lena's boyfriend and was a liar and a bad friend. There are unpleasant events. Andrea connives at cruelty. Lena has sinister intentions and lingering ill feeling. Andrea and Lena bonded as teens at boarding school over 'Titanic'. Where was Roulette in the flashbacks?

There is a Lord industry mention. Andrea and Leviathan ruined it. Argentinas speak English. Lex and Lena had a falling out over Superman. An uncredited Jon Cryer makes a cameo. Steven Bauer is caked in fake tan as Andrea's depressive loser dad. Superman only emerged 5 years ago.

Lena wanted to save Lex and Andrea ruined that with her selfishness. Andrea's selfishness caused her to be trapped by Leviathan. Andrea lied to Lena and Andrea wore a stolen magic medallion in front of Lena. Andrea kills someone at Leviathan's behest. Andrea's awful. The magic medallion serves no purpose. Lena avenges herself on Andrea,

Rip Roar is a stupid bad guy name. Rip Roar dies. Andrea learns her super-powers came from her being inherently evil. This was good. Now that he's gone bust – where is Maxwell Lord?

Best Lines:

“I refuse to ruin you.”

“We're not friends.”

“We used to be.”

“If I don't help you murder Superman you're firing me?”

“Ancient alien element.”

“In desperate need of a worthy adversary.”

“You are who we say you are.”

“Our friendship was the curse.”

Image result for supergirl and lena tremors

The Name Of The Rose 1x05&1x06

Monks eat well. Adso is suspected. There is mumbling. Adso shags a woman. There are menacing people and people debate. WTF is going on? Monks fist fight. There is glowering, self harm and weirdness. Abuse is overlooked. This is so bad.

Best Lines:

“Stink of the devil.”

“Idiots and malefactors.”

Gold Digger 1x03

Julia's slutty ex-bff lurks. Julia berates her for never saying sorry for stealing her husband. The horrible ex-bff does not say sorry. Julia's wretched children try to blow up her and Ben's relationship. Ben smugs. Ben gets money out of older women. Julia and Ben fight near a bonfire and later a cliff. Julia's snotty youngest son cosies up to his bastard father to get revenge on Julia. Ted is an ass to his mistress. Ted poisons everything. Julia is angry at her loser youngest son. Ben moves in and is showered with gifts.This was tiresome.

Best Lines:

“My bastard.”

“They're exceptionally protective of their mother.”

“With good reason in your case.”

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