November 25th, 2019

Pretty Smart

Movie Reviews: Chernobyl Diaries +dream/killer +I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus + 2 more 🦞🦞

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Idiots abroad decide to do some disaster tourism and visit Chernobyl. Leaving that offensive premise aside, this was dumb and particularly awful. The idiots die as they experience the fallout of being ugly Americans. The final scene as the final girl thinks she has found safety but learns otherwise in a deeply creepy moment is good but it's not enough to save the movie.

Best Lines:

“Sketchy van situation.”

“Is not baby!”

“I don't want you to come with me!”

dream/killer (2015)

A father works to free his 'wrongfully convicted' son Ryan from jail. A journalist was killed in 2001, the gruesome crime scene video is shown. Ryan is a swearing unrepentant thug at 17. He is not sympathetic and smirks in court whilst on trial for murder. There is endless trial footage and of course he was convicted.

The victim doesn't matter to the family of the convicted man. Ryan whines and is in jail for good reason. There is no logical reason for this documentary. Witnesses are harassed by Ryan's family. Ryan's demanding in jail and his father disturbs the social order. Ryan is the way he is because his father allowed trouble. This is not a chilling insight into the US justice system. Ryan is freed. In 2017, he got 11 million dollars. Huh.

Best Lines:

“Light that will never go off.”

“Prison pizza.”

“Food visit.”

“I did the wrong thing.”

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (2001)

Cole and Dylan Sprouse, Corbin Bernsen and Connie Sellecca star in this corny Christmas movie. Kids shout all their lines and there is bad child acting. Parents start and stop fighting. There is a wacky misunderstanding.

There is uninformed prattling and general hostility. Justin shouts and has wrong thinking and undesirable behaviour. This was appalling. Justin (the Sprouse twins) becomes naughty and objectionable. He also strings up an inflatable Santa with christmas lights which you think would should ensure he gets mental health care. But rationality, sense and logic don't matter in this.

This was frustrating. Justin is distinctly unapologetic. Adults range from the completely useless to the almost completely useless. This was totally incompetent. This was almost comically stupid. There is a unanimous sense of disappointment in this tedious film. Dad gets Home Aloned and hit by rakes. There is brand mismangement and product inconsistency.

Best Lines

“I'll say it! Grace! Let's eat!”

“I got parental guilt on my side.”

“Stay away fatso!”

The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

A mer-man lurks in this okay Universal Horror.

Paris Is Burning (1990)

An okay documentary about the ball scene in NY. One person interviewed was murdered during filming, a case unsolved to this day. There is voguing pre-Madonna. Gwen Verdon and Eileen Ford cameo. One of the people interviewed was after their death revealed to be a murderer. This was better than 'Pose'.

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Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Titans' promo

Dick gets his Nightwing on (FINALLY) to save the useless 'friends' who ditched him. Donna dies? Her lasso is next to the coffin.

'Our Guy In Japan' promo


'Responsible Child' promo

A child murders someone. Sigh.

'Antebellum' trailer


'Knives Out' tv spot


'Charmed' 2x08 promo

Parker. Mmmm.

'The War Of The Worlds' 1x03 promo


'Crisis On Infinite Earths' promo


'V Wars' trailer


5 baies pepper – okay.

Cali Cali guilt free Tijuana hot sauce – okay.

I missed 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' issue 9.

Recall the Fosters beer ads?

I'd try blackberry wine and apple ice wine and elderflower sugar.

Marian Keyes is writing a sequel to 'Rachel's Holiday'!

Poor Lewis the koala.

There is a cheese advent calender!

Who saw 'Keeping The Faith', 'Wittgenstein' or 'Orlando'?

'Channel 4 News' Quote:

“Won't face justice for their alleged crimes.”

'Miss Sloane' Quotes:

“I'm a resource?”

“Professionally yes. I understand you have feelings and a life. But I have no duty to them.”

“Sleeps with strangers for money.”

“Normal is over-rated.”

“Whose idea were the glass walls? Seriously?”

'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Being accused of unwanted interference in a private life.”

“Show of masculinity.”

“Provoke abuse against themselves.”

“Ideological transformation.”

“To blame for her rage.”

“Ideological consideration.”

“Literary success is not what you write as much as what's written about you.”

“Doors I knock on are cautiously opened.”

“Lack of appeal to thieves.”

“1990s analogue hell.”

“I know they're only four years old, but it's pretty obvious that none of them are college material – on account of them being as thick as an embassy wall.”

“Rich-people fetish food.”

“Features the requiste number of soaring key changes.”

“Ideological brainwashing.”

“Abandon compassion, context and cop-on.”

“Framed as people not to be taken seriously, and depicted as oddballs and obsession.”


“Enforce loyalty.”

“Her contempt for Dylan's so-called genius drips from every line because she knew perfectly well she could drink him under the table and write him off the page. And look at poor Elisabeth Pepys – Samuel tore up her honest, revelatory letters in a fit of rage and ensured that none of her writing survived as presumably it would have rivalled his own.”

'The Kids Are Alright' Quotes:

“School nurse coming to do a home check again?”

“Turnip truck rube.”

“The guy in the goldfish booth told me he gets to eat the ones that die.”

'Total Divas' Quote:

“She starts chasing around my chickens.”

'The Influence' Quotes:

“As if he ought to show her more concern,”

“I'm never going to die. Never, so don't waste your time looking forward to the day you'll be rid of me.”

“Turned everything you'd said to me into lies.”

“You couldn't have believed any of them would be glad to see you.”

“We're nice people round here, we don't have rows in the street.”

'Sunday Independent' Quotes:

“Won over critics but few others.”

“Moneyed nostalgia market.”

“Altered what might have been her expected future.”

“Boyfriends were becoming husbands-”

“A phenomenon of the Noughties.”

“Sorry, we're bored with you. Next one.”

“Gone in a blink.”

“Never really made an effort to thank me.”

“Isn't horrible being me.”

“False praise.”

“Quest to alienate every human person and cleanse the world of goodwill.”

“Future ruin.”

“Unsustainable expectations.”

“Lodged in the collective memory.”

'BBC News' Quotes:

“I am going to get you to like horror movies.”

“Contain the incident.”

“Failing to disperse.”

'Sunday Business Post' Quotes:

“Somewhat ominious prediction.”

“Reasoning error.”

'Fair City' quotes:

“The man you pretend him to be.”

“You're afraid of him.”


The War Of The Worlds 1x02 Reviewed 👾👽👾👽👾👽

This BBC mistake trundles on. The HMS Thunderchild scene takes place off screen. There is bad old age make up. Amy the whore and her man whore are selfish and stupid. In the future, the Earth is a terraformed hellhole. Nobody knows that the invaders were defeated by bacteria. Wonder Amy the whore and her moppet are know it alls.

The man-whore (aka George) is a useless coward. Amy screams. Nobody seems too concerned with the fate of the man-whore's wife and children. George the man-whore only cares about Amy and her whoredropped bastard. Are you meant to feel sorry for the whore and her man-whore?

The tripods ramapge around like bad VFX from 1998. Seriously the invaders in the 1950s movie were scarier! Even the invaders in the 1980s tv show were scarier than this! Amy screams and is hysterical. The man-whore keeps calling Amy his wife, she's not his wife! She is his WHORE! George the man-whore is made to get a proper job and is drafted into the army.

George the manwhore leaves a baby and an injured man and a woman he promised to help to die. Lord I hate him. He's a chillingly mediocre man. The black smoke is seen. Lots of invaders arrive and a man spews crap the BBC thinks baddies utter. People want to evacuate to Dunkirk.

Amy jumps into the sea and risks drowning to be with her man-whore. The man-whore does not care about his brother, his wife or his children. Another moppet is found. Someone fears that more invaders will come and that the black smoke has terraformed Earth. This was utter utter CRAP.

Best Lines:

“What was the Great Victory like?”

“It was hard. A lot was lost.”

“Do your duty like an Englishman.”

“It's rubbish! All of it!”

“Can you really call this victory? This very much looks like a red planet to me.”

“This will not be our planet any more.”

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Scary Books

Book Review: D.O.G.S.

D.O.G.S. By M.A. Bennett

The sequel to the excellent 'S.T.A.G.S.' isn't as good as the 1st book. It sets up yet another sequel. This was however not as bad as the author's other novel 'The Island'. There are so many movie references in this they become OTT. The heroine Greer seems oddly stupid for someone who won a scholarship to a top boarding school.

Greer is mysteriously gifted the only surviving copy of Ben Jonson's banned play 'The Isle Of Dogs'. She's also mysteriously left in charge of such a priceless fragile relic that is the only surviving copy of a play banned under Elizabeth I. She decides to stage a performance of the play to get into Oxford.

Greer then discovers a connection to the human hunting death cult she uncovered in 'S.T.A.G.S.' - opps! Greer still loves Henry a dead murderous cultist. Or is he dead? There are flawed options, contentious topics, serious implications and a wider confrontation looms. Greer returns to an isolating unsafe place. This is not a disturbing insight into the life of the haves, it's fairly mad really.

People don't meaningfully respond to danger. Greer keeps assuming with benevolent contentment that people are on her side. The haves would never choose to embrace Greer and co and her sinister visit to a stately home does not fill her with pervasive fear of the abhorrent haves. She can't conceive of the evil that lies in waiting for her and that they can do anything to her as a coercive tool.

This was exceptionally unrealistic but it is good. Greer never considers the consequences of her dark knowledge. The grave cannot stop the horror. Evil is attendant. Sense remains unheeded. Strange and unpleasant activities unfold.

Greer presists. This has no emotional nuance. There is nefarious behaviour but no nuanced character arcs. Greer's infantile and she has an overly optimistic view of her future. She has no means of escape. But she's overly confident and unendearingly charmless. Something darker is manifesting and she doesn't notice because she is reckless and irresponsible.

The human hunts aren't taken as seriously as they should be. People have evil intent and the ultimate consequences have yet to be felt. People have very dark purpose and dark associations grow. This was goodish.

Best Lines:


“Turkey was considered too newfangled and , even worse, American.”

“A-hunting we will go.”

“Something really grim.”

“Suppressed so completely that nobody's ever worked out what it was about.”

“He might have been a kid killer, but he was a helluva teacher.”

“I knew what he was, what his heritage was,”

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