September 16th, 2019

Scary Books

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Issue 8 Reviewed 🙊🙉🙈😦🥜

This is a 'Hellmouth' prelude. This serves no purpose. It's Halloween. The art is ugly. Jenny Calender serves no purpose. Drusilla shrieks. This is full of apocalyptic warnings and seems designed to deliberately irritate as Sunnydale falls into chaos. Did Drusilla kill Spike? There is no dramatic potential or emotional edge. This exists for no especially good reason.


Best Lines:

“Activate a hell portal.”


“Wherever she is, bad things follow.”


“Looks a bit like a serial killer.”

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Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Are You Afraid Of The Dark' promo

A reboot.


Best Line:

“Tone it down.”


'City On A Hill' promo

“Run by had men.”


'Limetown' trailer

A mass vanishing, screaming and pillow punching. No.


'Frayed' promo

What?


'The Farewell' tv spot

No.


'Supernatural' final season trailer

The woman in white. Hell. No.


My ex has deliberate disregard. He stopped being in our relationship without telling me. He has no feelings left for me anymore.


What are cow fingers?


I'd try charred apricots and carmelised yoghurt chards.


I'll review 'The Testaments' and 'The Second Sleep'.


Who saw 'Bananas' or 'Cinema Paradiso'?


What are seaweed potatoes?


Who read the 'Smallville' fanfic series 'A New Destiny'?


'Dr Phil' Quotes:

“Dark and malignant.”


“Orchestrate some retaliation.”


“Asked him the wrong question.”


“Creating issues.”


“Police shot open the door.”


'Sky News' Quotes:

“All Ireland food zone.”


“Solid gold toilet stolen.”


“Shout at him in the street.”


“Shouting at the television.”


“Danger to society.”


'Virgin Media News' Quotes:

“Alibi warning.”


“Gangs of youths hassling drivers.”


“Outright thuggery.”


“Days of action.”


'Hollyoaks' Quote:

“I AM PAST GIVING YOU CHANCES!”


'Paperbacks From Hell' Quotes:

“Callous summer vactioners pretty much get what's coming to them.”


“Amniotic rage juice.”


“Jack Russell terriers rampage through the countryside leaving half-eaten tramps in their wake.”


'The Kids Are Alright' Quotes:

“The other option is death.”


“Drooling chimps.”


“Pancakes of doom.”


“None of those are places I care about.”


'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Fancies himself an intellectual.”


“Illiberal.”


“Life of fear, control.”


“Weakened trust.”


“External foe.”


“Societal change.”


“Lacks dignity.”


“Social isolation.”


“Lack of will.”


“Beset by evasion.”


“Nothing discloses real character like the use of power.”


“What are you talking about? Not that I care.”


“Ranting and raving like some kind of mad man.”

“He was like that most days when I was growing up.”


“How could anyone live this close to the Luas and not own a gun?”


“One of those imaginary conversations he likes to have when he's in the jacks.”


“She wrote of nothing but Ireland, a country in which she had no readership.”


“Legally precluded.”


“Disturbing signs of modernity.”


“Societal damage.”


“Have the slightest interest in anything that any human has ever thought, felt or done.”


“Demonstrably negative.”


“Serious effects on a person's lifetime prospects.”


“Bitterly dividing.”


“Such people tend to oppose European integration, Travellers, wind farms and carbon tax.”


“Committing acts so repugnantly vicious they put him beyond any hope of redemption.”


"Murderously uninhabitable.”


“A city where none should be,”


“We don't have the Molton Brown in the men's. There would be no point. They'd only try drinking it.”


“Lifestyle pub.”


'The Testaments' Quotes:

“Every women is supposed to have the same set of motives, or else to be a monster.”


“Too much of wrong in it,”


“Paced around a lot and sat down at the end of the dining table, and the Marthas brought him things on trays, and then he would go into his study and close the door.”


“Raised by the depraved.”


“I made choices, and then, having made them, I had fewer choices.”


“Mercy was a quality that did not operate in that place.”


“It's a skill, not reacting.”


“You have experienced the consequences of no, or some of them.”


“Selfish choices.”


“Decadent and corrupt society.”


“Better to hurl rocks than to have them hurled at you.”


“Vanished past.”


'The Sunday Times' Quotes:

“Dominant cultural product.”


“Crazy-ass hillbilly.”


“Careful that the hoi polli don't feel threatened by you.”


“What's a badger?”


“Obsolete concept.”


“Treated as prophetic texts.”


'Lands Of Monsoon' Quote:

“Never to travel on the ground.”


'Sunday Independent' Quotes:

“Passed out cold in the bushes.”


“Dive bar vibe,”


“One guy threw up in my agent's closet, another crapped..."


“A superior person with all the right opinions.”


“Harbour penetration.”


'Teen Mom OG' Quotes:

“Negative self talk.”


“Push away happiness.”


'Everybody In The House' Quote:

“Youth bar.”

Kylo Ren

Movie Reviews: Mike And Dave Need Waiting Dates + Bite + Wish For Christmas + The Monkey's Paw 🐰

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick star in this good comedy. The Stan Lee cosplay looking dude from 'GLOW' has a cameo. This is based on a true story. Sorta. 2 dude bros, Mike and Dave, are losers who ruin parties. They are told to bring nice girls as dates to their sister's wedding. 2 cocktail waitresses are no innocents and they see Mike and Dave's craigslist ad for wedding dates. There is stupid behaviour all round.


Sense has all but vanished from the earth. Mike and Dave's ad has a disastrous effect. This is a film designed to goad critics. Mike and Dave are mortifying idiots who engage in abusive and insulting and threatening behaviour.


A 'Jurassic Park' ATV tour goes horribly awry. Mike and Dave's father has appearing and disappearing facial hair. Mike and Dave are irrefutably dumb. Their father's expectations for them are less. Things get contentious. This not decent, intelligent or tasteful. There is ill concealed annoyance and the brothers are casually disparaging. There is a 'sexy' massage and a fight. This was bad taste comedy.


Best Lines:

“Epic tracking shots.”


“Won that wet t-shirt contest in Mexico.”


“I read most of the 'Goosebumps' series.”


“We don't look like nice girls.”


“That Jesus rag.”


“Your underwear needs more underwear.”


“Who would forget about an ultimantum?”


“Floozy ass bimbo.”


“Dolphin excursion.”


“She has chalymdia!”

“Everybody does.”


“Dick flicks.”


“Made even more enemies.”


“Stupid dumb idea.”


“Not like you asked or anything. But you're here.”


“Mexican bed bugs.”


“Gaping mouth of yours. Shut it! Shut it!”


“All you need load bearing rivets and a reinforced cecling.”


“Really old song for old people.”


“Why are you laughing at me?”


“Bowels of the internet.”


“You look like Don Johnson fu**ed Zack Morris.”


“Just like the movie 'Wedding Crashers'.”


“Just perch.”


“Don't you cry.”


“I hate us too!”


“Barely functioning.”


“Those are not good qualities.”


“Drinking puddle water.”


“Read the back of a shampoo bottle for 13 hours.”


“Didn't touch my lavender juice box.”


“By the power invested in me by the website wwwdotbeyourdowndeacondotcom.”


~
Bite (2015)

A bride to be is bitten and transforms in this deeply dispiriting and utterly absurd 'horror'. This film has a solid commitment to mediocrity and is utterly inadequate. There is bad acting and the bride to be pukes, sprays pus and undergoes body horror and drools. Her groom to be is a cheater. There is aggressive and violent behaviour and no concept of hazmat. There is a sequel hook. NO.


~
Wish For Christmas (2016)

A girl wishes away her parents faith. This was terrible.


~
The Monkey's Paw (2013)

Stephen Lang stars in this dreck.

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Traveler

TheSpanishPrincess (2019-2020) 1x01&1x02+Temple 1x01+Confess 1x05-1x07+The I-Land 1x03+The Rook 1x01

The New World

This good soapy show is based on the novels 'The King's Curse' and 'The Constant Princess' by Philippa Gregory. This follows on from 'The White Queen' and 'The White Princess', I never saw 'Princess'. This has nice opening credits. I don't think the word Catholic existed in 1501. There is exposition and Catherine of Aragon's name was Catalina and she was a teenager when sent to England to marry the Prince Of Wales. She was also a blue eyed blonde not a readhead grown woman.


The word steel is used. Did steel exist in 1501? Catherine of Aragon's mother is Queen Isabella, a warrior queen who ends up drenched in blood fighting moors in Spain. Catherine arrives in England to marry the gorked out Prince Arthur and his terrible if period accurate haircut. The illfated Pole family hang out disliking the Tudors.


Catherine is a snot. Women have Miley Cyrus hair in 1501. Prince Henry and Charles Brandon hang out being good looking. Catherine's ladies in waiting are Lina and Rosa. Catherine remembers meeting Christopher Colombus. Catherine has a good leg wax for 1501. Why did Henry take her shoes off as she prepared to walk down the aisle? The Tudor court is politically tumultuous and sexually charged. Catherine has no sheer elation at marrying gorked out Arthur.


Best Lines:

“God-given destiny.”


“Siesta? Is this a food?”


“Is parrot.”


“Beset with enemies.”


The Fever Dream

Catherine shows the depth of her convictions. This show is suprisingly compelling. Catherine can't bestir her useless thick husband. Henry makes himself adorable. Catherine doesn't get the exact response she expected. Wasn't Henry just 10 years old at this time? Henry is a icon of cultural and political history. Arthur is forgotten.


The future Cardinal Wolsey lurks. It is too risky to assume that people are good and decent and mean no harm. Arthur has anguished resentment of Henry. Catherine wears a silly skirt. Arthur is not so stoic and saintly. Scots show up to make a marriage alliance for Princess Margaret. There are many impeding factors to joy.


Arthur has self seriousness. Lina gets the Sweat and lies in a barn. Arthur gets the Sweat. Arthur who has been a lifelong disappointment to his kin dies of the Sweating Sickness. Catherine views the consort's crown as an irremovable destiny. Arthur's heart is buried in a tree for some reason. Catherine wears a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. The Poles invite scorn and Catherine irrefutably annoys.


Best Lines:

“Celebrate our bloodline.”


“Last night I was in Spain.”


“Pray god you are.”


~
Temple (2019) 1x01

This Sky1 show stars Mark Strong, Daniel Mays and Carice Van Houten. It is a remake of a Norwegian show of which I only saw 1 ep. This has bad opening credits and the doom laden prepper drama of the original show is ditched for comedy and overacting. The doctor's wife is sick, he and she have a really ugly kid and people are fiercely unahppy. The doctor is completely despicable. People are irreparably damaging and make irreversible choices in this fantastically terrible ep.


Best Lines:

“I need to remove his spleen.”

“Why?”

“Because there's a bullet in it.”


~
Secrets Revealed

People portentously observe goings on. Auburn has slutty eyes and whore levels of make up and a controlling new man. There is no one I'd wish her life on.


Best Line:

“You smell like a Macy's beauty counter.”


Everytime He Touches Me

This hyped up pyschodrama is bizarre (because it is). Auburn is self pitying and makes no wise choices. This show causes disinterest. This was an unnecessary story. People have a lack of foresight. One has livid dislike for this banality. This was really terrible. The custody issue goes on. Things get abusive for Auburn. This was listless, lacklustre and bafflingly slight.


Best Line:

“You don't tell me what to do.”


Some Secrets Aren't Ours To Tell

Auburn is abused by a crazy man and her loss of custody was down to PPD. Things go badly for her. How did Auburn afford a lawyer? This was hilariously unconvincing.


~
The Insubstantial Pageant

Ruinous stupidity inevitably escalates tensions. This show fails consistently. Shrieky wakes up in a lab. This show is a persistent failure. There is death, maybe. Where did the gun come from? Why didn't shrieky mention the first aid kit seeing as the shark attack victim has an infected wound? Who killed rapey? Why is there a gun in a lock box on the island? Why is there a deserted hotel on the island? Why are the gang of fools so stupid?


~
Chapter 1

This 2019 miniseries is based on a good book. A woman with amnesia wakes up surrounded by bodies. She finds a letter written by her. This London set urban fantasy is not as good as the book. There is exposition. Common sense is not a prized commodity. This ep offers no character explanations or backstory. This disappointed. Olivia Munn is caked in make up as the token Yank.


Best Line:

“Protected by lies and someone has to think of them.”

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