February 24th, 2019

Sergio Balleseros

Movie Review: Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea (1961)

Irwin Allen directed this movie which became a TV show. Joan Fontaine, Barbara Eden, Peter Lorre, Michael Ansara and Frankie Avalon star. There is a silly theme song. There is a super-sub that looks like a bathtoy. This was not rewarding or challenging. People perfomatively don’t like things. This was low grade and it has many enraging tendencies. This was not startlingly good and was in fact essentially meaningless.

The sub has a window and this was tragic and awful. The Earth starts to melt or something in this meagre and unbeloved movie. There is weary anger and no melancholy or self-awareness. This was done with grim determination but no enthusiasm and there is no sense of menace. This was pointless and purgatorial. This was airless and uninteresting. The sub’s nutty leader plans to stop the Earth melting by firing an atomic missile. This was grim and one-dimensional.

This sucks out all joy and love. This was full of comically ignorant people who are fatally complacent and wilfully deluded. This was terribly unconvincing and dignity-shredding. Big talking words are used and nobody is concerned in the slightest about quality.

Best Lines:

“Thermal conditions.”

“A baby that’s new in the family.”

“The world will burn with it.”

“No world at all.

“Imminent death.”

“Riots and pestilence sweep the land.”
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Quotes & Stuff

Made fondue - I think I put too much cornflower in it. It was still good.
Dark chocolate with chilli and pink peppercorn - yum.

I’d try black garlic vinegar.

I want a silk skirt.

There is a folding smartphone?

I have a swan bowl.

Presque ne compete pas.

Who saw ‘Swing Vote’, ‘Super Size Me’, ’Wishcraft’, ’The Tall Guy’ or ‘The Deal’?

‘Arrow’ and ‘Legends of Tomorrow’ to end! YAY!

There’s maple vinegar?

Dr Phil’ Quote:
“Even passed out in the bathroom sink.”

“Get out of the sink and go to bed.”

“Got in an Uber and disappeared.”

“I’m banned from CostCo.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Build-up of anger at their nonchalant response.”

“Very villainous cactus.”

“Retreat from public life.”

“I burnt the potatoes, and the kids said I’d ruined dinner, and then I was crying and they said I’d ruined Christmas. It does get me down.”

“I don’t know what my hopes and dreams were when I left school, but I didn’t expect this.”

“In full knowledge of what that meant.”

“Don’t want to be ingratiated upon.”

“Less than wholly penitent-”

“Cocktail of Lynx and expectation.”

“Storage media.”

“Bikes were hurled at delivery workers.”

“Toad racing and crab harpooning.”

“His mullet straight from Neighbours circa 1986.”

“They know how to do cold.”

“Their image is a commodity to be measured, and found wanting and improved upon,”

“Hideous comments.”


“Shaped her self-worth.”

“He who shapes the story (and it is so often a he).”

“France of the forgotten.”

“Takes chaos everywhere he goes.”

“Greeted with the most disbelief, harshest judgement.”

“Somehow difficult, dysfunctional and aberrant.”

“Breathless reporting.”

“A long-defunct brand few knew then, and almost nobody knows now.”

“Felt isolated and ignored.”

“Anti-nostalgic and unsentimental.”

“Talks one of his step kids into getting a job at the local garden centre, just so he can get a discount on pond liner.”

“Self-generated gossip.”

“Italian hustler,”

“Ethos of the nation.”

“Local dodgy characters.”

“Wasn’t as welcome.”

“Leftover conflicts.”

“Unlikely to seek a negotiated solution.”

“Record of rejecting any type of co-operation.”

“Treat me as a liar, turn their backs.”

“Cede control and than his will was mine.”

“Cast shame.”

“Infinite hate, a spitefulness.”

Sanity-bending implications.”

“Adversarial destiny.”

“Complete rupture with the family.”

“A complete disintegration of family relations.”

“Years of banishment by his local community following a reckless choice he made in anger.”

‘Great British Railway Journeys’ Quote:
“Hum of little lives unseen.”

‘Nationwide’ Quote:
“Literally cut their way in.”

‘RT’ Quotes:
“Interesting admission.”

“Not liked.”

“Parallel government structures.”

‘Channel 4 News’ Quotes:
“Lack of emotional care.”

“Special Action Force.”

“Reputation as killers.”

“Victims whose families dare not claim them.”

“Show their dissatisfaction.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quote:
“Unsuspecting outsiders.”

‘Seaquest 2032’ Quotes:
“Dare not move in on them.”

“Spectre demon.”

“Free zone.”

“Semblance of commerce.”

“Make your point.”

“These people represent a horror you can’t even begin to understand.”

“We’ll take them with us.”

‘Murder She Wrote’ Quotes:
“Knew the right people.”

“He was my asset!”

‘Aertel’ Quote:
“Deliberately not complied with.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Present neither realistic bodies not realistic lives-”

“Class or lack thereof.”

“Fond of bondage sex YouTube tutorials.”

“Martyr syndrome.”
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Scary Books

Santa Clarita Diet (2017-?) 1x01&1x02+Star Trek Discovery 2x06+Batman 1x02-1x04+ 3 others

So Then A Bat Or Monkey
Drew Barrymore vomits a lot. Nathan Fillion is in this. Navel gazing Americans whine. Drew turns into a zombie and things are very wrong. Drew has sex with her husband and somehow doesn’t infect him. A bratty daughter declares the incompetence of her parents. This has no rare burst of competence. Nobody makes apt or regretful utterances. Drew eats the sex perv Fillion. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“I may have thrown up an organ.”

“Sex lunatic.”

We Can’t Kill People!
The couple, their brat and the cop’s stepson cover up the zombie attack. The wife can only eat people now. There are petty jealousies and bitterly unhappy people. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“Didn’t listen to my words.”

“Buried half eaten in the desert.”

“Live your new truth.”

“Lives in shame.”

“He has a Masters in Art History and lives with his mom.”

The Sound Of Thunder
Saru’s threat ganglia fell out and spikes grow in their place. Hugh whines and Saru makes a speech. Ash is back in a Discovery uniform. Hugh’s damaged irreparably - oh boo hoo. I’ve a paucity of interest. The Red Angel is someone in a suit. Saru’s homeworld is in peril.

The predator species on Saru’s world are finally seen and are hostile and isolationist. Ash is a brooding presence. Pike likes to seem like the most reasonable man in the room when that is required. Saru whines about fear and lies. Inflammatory comments are made. Michael is a xeno-anthropologist? SINCE WHEN?

This show has changed irredeemably. Saru whines like a paranoiac. There is no real concern for the prey species or contentment. I don’t care about Saru’s transformative circumstances. Saru goes home. Hugh stares. This ep is flagrantly failing. Saru’s sister whines about her viscerally held beliefs. There is intransigence. Saru triggers offence. Saru’s sister seems to be wearing lipstick. Saru disappeared from his family’s life but existed elsewhere. A scary voice talks.

This was not intensely watchable. This is a grim reality. Big ass sentry ships menace. The Sphere data is suddenly important. There is a reveal about Saru’s species. Saru has attack spikes. A black oil creature shows up and then leaves again. This was morbid and downbeat and there is calculated cruelty. Saru is fractious and this was not gleefully maniac. There is no benign activity. Pike stupidly interferes with a pre-warp society with no idea of the consequences.

There are no societal concerns and this was NOT deeply satisfying. They didn’t detect the structure in the lake? Pike tries to radiate sincerity. Who is the Red Angel? Why is the Red Angel manipulating the fates of entire species? Pike seems unaware that Ash is a Klingon.

Best Lines:
“Losing the very thing that defines me.”

“Time incursions.”

“Proved hostile.”

“The price of knowledge.”

“Interstellar service.”

“Live in awe.”

“Remove yourself from the bridge.”

“Sustain that belief.”

“Rarely venture out in the dark.”

“Places of crisis.”

“Return to the stars Saru. There is no place for you here!”

“Questions you should not have asked.”

“Let it begin.”

“Choose wisely.”

“Brought that hope back with you.”

“You do not even know what you are.”

“Primal feral responses.”

“I am what we used to become.”

“Lock the Kelpians into subservience.”

“Your species does not deserve a second chance!”

Smack In The Middle
Riddler is devious and manipulative. Robin sticks loyally by his guardian despite being placed in mortal threat twice a week. Bruce has an uncle? The long promised and much hoped for DVD is shoddily constructed. Is the batmobile roadworthy and taxed? Riddler’s moll Molly dresses up as Robin and wears a Robin face mask.

Riddler defies public morality. Batman can’t pronounce laser. Molly falls into the bat cave’s atomic pile. I won’t even ask how there is an atomic pile in Bruce Wayne’s basement and how no one has noticed. Batman has radio ‘wifi’ in 1966. This was okay. How did Batman and Robin get in the stuffed mammoth? Riddler punches Robin in the face and you can see the crotch of Robin’s tights. Unlovely.

Best Lines:
“Robin got it!”

“Turn it on boy.”

“It appears to be a vulgar low comedian.”

“You venal viper!”

Fine Feathered Finks
Why is Dick the ward of Bruce if thicko Aunt Harriet is his aunt? The Penguin lurks. Burgess Meredith overacts hilariously. The Penguin has a lackey called Hawkeye and is surrounded by carrier pigeons and toy penguins that squawk. Penguin clenches his teeth around his cigarette holder. Don’t his teeth ache from perpetually holding it in place? Robin jumps out of the batmobile without opening his door. Penguin plots. Robin seems destined for an ulcer. Bruce is in peril. This was okay.

Best Line:
“Mr K.G Bird.”

The Penguin’s A Jinx
Penguin’s fake nose is really obvious. This is a lesser ep. Robin relishes combat and punching things. Gordon is scarily tanned as he explains why Batman dresses like a bat. This was not tense.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine 2x14

O’Brien narrates this tale about how he is a pariah now and how it seems set to stay that way. Or does it? Blatant untruths are told and a race never seen or mentioned before or since is in peril. O’Brien is ANGRY and this ep is not an absolute delight. O’Brien has no patience for, well anything. He’s contrary and has no gravitas. He’s sneeringly hostile and nobody is wise or contemplative.

O’Brien is tormented by his co-workers. This was not nuanced. Who is his formidable opponent he wonders. O’Brien thinks he is of the highest integrity. Why is Jake in a onesie? In fact, throughout this show - Jake only ever wears onesies. There is pressure and threats to O’Brien and damaging information is hidden, or is it? There is no real anxiety and no tireless creativity. O’Brien is always too much. This ep is unremarkable.

There are grave concerns and where is Dax?!? The dead-eyed O’Brien whines. There is no spine-tingling dread. There is knowing intent and this is not a tense situation. The twist explains everything, sorta.

Covert Affairs 5x02

False Skorpion
People whine about the CIA not being popular in South America. Auggie is a fascist tool and Annie has become seriously unlikeable. Amy Jo Johnson the onetime Pink Ranger pops up. Annie’s in Venezuela! And she has a HEART CONDITION? Auggie shags the Pink Ranger. Annie's new love interest bores as does this ep.

Sliders 3x12

Season’s Greedings
Quinn is casually racist and awful. It’s Christmas on Mall world. Chase Masterson guest stars as Wade’s sister’s double. She runs a mall in the clouds on Mall world. How the mall floats is never explained. Wade sees her sister’s double and her father’s double. The malign consequences of Quinn’s sliding would lead to his death, the death of the professor and Wade. Great move Quinn!

Elf outfits are worn. Quinn flirts with Wade’s sisters double. FFS. The mall enslaves indebted people. This was utterly stupid awfulness. Quinn isn’t world weary and is anguish free. This was an absolute farce and it is deeply unsatisfactory. It’s full of sap and 90’s attire and bad hair. And Maggie hasn’t even shown up yet.

Best Line:
“Welfare people.”