January 29th, 2019

Kylo Ren

Vintage Book Reviews: Jedi Apprentice 13-18 + Jedi Apprentice: Special Edition 1&2

Jedi Apprentice 13: The Dangerous Rescue
Obi-Wan, Adi Gallia and the intensely annoying Siri work together to save Qui-Gon, stop Ona Nobis and expose an evil conspiracy involving Van Arbor and Senator S'orn. During the course of the adventure Siri and Obi-Wan get buried alive by Ona Nobis, sadly Siri lives. Qui-Gon never bothers to thank Obi-Wan for saving him nor is he the least bit concerned that Ona Nobis wants to horribly kill the 14 year old Obi-Wan. @@. Obi-Wan, Adi and Siri fight Ona and what happens? Ona Nobis feared assassin of the known universe falls to her death by slipping off of the roof. In 'The Phantom Menace' Obi-Wan and later the scary Aryan little bastard Anakin have a single braid over one ear to signify their rank as Jedi apprentices. So why has this braid never been mentioned in the books? The cover art has never depicted Obi-Wan as having one.

Jedi Apprentice 14: The Ties That Bind
Qui-Gon suddenly decides he is love with fellow Jedi Knight Tahl only for her to be abducted by murderers in the cliffhanger ending. As for Obi-Wan, he is neglected, ignored and nearly killed on several occasions but all Qui-Gon can think about is defying the Council and saving Tahl. Jedi can't love, look what happened to Anakin and Padme and Kylo Ren and whatshername.

Jedi Apprentice 15 - The Death Of Hope
Qui-Gon drags his ill-used apprentice Obi-Wan along in a frantic search for the kidnapped Tahl. Qui-Gon and Tahl have just declared their love for each other. Tahl is a pretty useless Jedi getting carried off by Balog - a petty villain. The author focuses all her attention on Qui-Gon and his torment over Tahl. Qui-Gon is unconcerned with people being slaughtered and a rock slide landing on his apprentice. The author has a serious Qui-Gon fetish. Obi-Wan is slightly unnerved when his Master takes a sharp turn to the Dark Side when Tahl dies. Qui-Gon is a moron whose hubris lead to his ill-equipped apprentice being emotionally blackmailed into training that psycho little brat Anakin.

Jedi Apprentice 16 - The Call To Vengeance
Qui-Gon is a Jedi on the edge after the death of drippy-hippy Jedi Tahl, so he dumps his long-suffering apprentice Obi-Wan and heads out to find her killer however bodies start stacking up and Obi-Wan, Bant and Mace Windu fear Qui-Gon has given in to the Dark Side. This takes place nine years before 'The Phantom Menace' and the Jedi are blissfully unaware that they and all they stand for will very soon be purged from the galaxy. The true villains of the piece are not whom the Jedi suspected and this inability to sense the enemy nearby will sadly come back to bite them in a big way.

Jedi Apprentice 17 - The Only Witness
Qui-Gon is still brooding and obsessing over Tahl and neglecting his much-maligned padawan. Then he and Obi-Wan are sent to a world to help a woman, whose testimony could bring down the ruling crime family.

Star Wars Jedi Apprentice 18: The Threat Within
Another year has passed since Qui-Gon's severe anger management problems. Incredibly Qui-Gon spends the entire book moping about Obi-Wan growing up and leaving him. Yet in 'The Phantom Menace' Qui-Gon tossed Obi-Wan aside like week old trash in his hurry to grab Anakin. This whole saga has been without merit.

Jedi Apprentice: Special Edition: Deceptions
The 1st part of the book deals with Obi-Wan and his master Qui-Gon as Obi-Wan is investigated by the council for the death of Bruck Chun. Now Bruck's father Vox and his only surviving son Kad show up accusing Obi-Wan of murder. Well they took their sweet time about arriving didn't they?

Obi-Wan, now he is no longer beating himself up over the Melida/Daan thing is now beating himself up over Bruck's death. Why? Bruck was a lout with serious impulse control problems who allied himself with a genocidal headcase. So what if he fell off a waterfall and broke his neck? Anyway Obi-Wan is exonerated of blame so what do you think happens? Well dear old Kad Chun tries to beat Obi-Wan into steak tartar in the Inquiry Room. And the next part of the book begins. Taking place 12 years later, Obi-Wan and his apprentice Anakin investigate a mystery ship and learn that the Chun family are involved in something bad and that the long dead Xanatos is still stirring the pot even from his grave. Obi-wan shows off his flashy fighting moves, Anakin has long interior monologues on how no-one understands him and Obi-Wan realises he may be in over his head with the snotty little Aryan bastard. There is heavy duty ominous foreshadowing of the day Anakin will murder Obi-Wan and of the whole Vader/Luke relationship. There is also ominous chatter about how the galaxy is changing, in less then a generation the Jedi will be all but wiped out.

Jedi Apprentice Special Edition 2: The Followers
This is the last ever Jedi Apprentice book. In the first half of the book, Qui-Gon and the now 18 year old Obi-Wan follow Professor Lundi to a sea world where an ancient and dangerous Sith artefact is about to be uncovered. The second part of the book takes place ten years later as Obi-Wan and his apprentice Anakin are caught up in the ongoing saga of the mad Lundi and the dangerous Sith artefact. This part of the story is filled with anvils of foreshadowing about Anakin's fate especially in the bit where the baddie tells Obi-Wan that Anakin will make a great Sith. You think Obi-Wan would heed all these warning and just kill the little bastard but no such luck.
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Let Them Eat Cake (1999) Reviewed

This is French and Saunders take on pre-revolutionary France. The setting is Versailles, 1782 where the Comtesse de Vache (Jennifer Saunders) schemes for she has little else to do other than avoid her elderly pox ridden husband. Despite the fact she is the wealthiest woman at court, she only has two servants maid Lisette (Dawn French) and jack of all trades Bouffant. Her arch rival is Madame la Plonge and her daughter Eveline.

The Pox
The Comtesse's pox riddled husband arrives for a visit and she must avoid a plot by la Plonge to have her disinherited. But far more importantly she must have a really big model ship in her hair for an upcoming party. It's loud, broad comedy with an annoying laugh track but it is funny. The galleon hair ornament with working cannons is hilarious as is the leeches stress ball sight gag. It is way too nitpicky to note that this sitcom shows people knocking on doors in Versailles. Nobody of rank knocked on a door, they scratched with their little finger on their left hand. This was goodish.

Just to note, the opening credits are good. The Comtesse has lost her fortune in a wager with the Marquise de Foufou. But the Marquise has been killed by an axe murderer. The Comtesse ends up in a dungeon encased in a iron mask being fed fish paste through a tube. It's up to her loyal servants to frame someone else for the crime. This was good.

The Portrait
The Comtesse is to have her portrait painted but a debauched nobleman, possibly the Marquis de Sade (Richard E. Grant) keeps climbing in her window and doing debauched things to her with fruit. This was good.

Making Voopee
The Comtesse fears she is pregnant by the King. What will Marie Antoinette think? Luckily it turns out to be gas caused by eating Austrian food so all is well. This was good.

A Marriage of Convenience
The Comtesse's destitute sister shows up looking for alms. The Comtesse schemes to marry her off to a Duke who needs to take a wife after being caught in an escapade in the royal stables. But first Lisette needs to give the Comtesse her first bath in nearly a decade. This was ok.

The Royal Command Performance
Marie Antoinette intends to prove her love for her husband by having public rumpo with him. The Comtesse manages to use this to get La Plonge and Eveline banished from court. But as she is enjoying her victory she accidentally triggers the French Revolution. This was good.
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