January 25th, 2019

Hawkeye

Archie Meets Batman '66 Issue 5 Reviewed

I didn't find issue 4. Robin and Batgirl are in a foreboding dreadful situation. The baddies mindcontrol the adults in Riverdale. Somehow Batman escapes said mind control. The baddies evil plan is revealed. Robin gets to drive the Batboat. Batman faces considerable personal difficulty and an ideological challenge. This was okay, baddies refuse to comply with morals and oversee their new domain of Riverdale.


Best Lines:

“Do we even live in a moral universe anymore?”


“I'm a mixture of rage and pride right now!”


“Let me guess, you set a deathtrap for the boy wonder and Batgirl and then left without getting closure.”


“The fiends! Subjecting them to monkey cymbal torture!”


“A model of their imperfect society, based upon their colossal egos.”

Illya K

Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Star Trek Discovery' 2x02 trailer

Space clouds, kicking, Section 31, snake noises and flipping.


Best Line:

“There is a purpose.”


'The Flash' 5x12 promo

Go away Nora.


'Knightfall' season 2 promo

Mark Hamill!


'Shazam!' trailer

LEDs, fighting, beer and Mark Strong.


'Home For Life' ad

The RSPCA will rehome your pet after you die. Poor Molly.


Mature cheddar & red onion hand cooked crisps – nah.


'The Magicians' has been renewed!


'New Mutants' has been delayed again.


I'd try steak and fondue at Grizzly House.


What's a brittlestar? What are snowberries?


There will be a 'Katy Keene' tv show? I recall those comics!


Nic Cage is to star in a 'Colour Out Of Space' film!


Who's been in the Banff Springs hotel? Or the Banff Hot Springs? I have.


'All Star Batman And Robin' Quotes:

“You kidnapped Dick Grayson.”


“You kidnap a twelve-year-old boy in flagrant violation of the law and dressed him up as a teen sidekick! You're out of your mind!”


“I'm the goddam Batman and I can call my goddam car whatever the hell I want to call it.”


“Not that he's got a prayer of escaping my grip.”


“You poor little bastard.”


“Stop bleeding all over yourself.”


'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Alienating the public.”


“Widely held public views.”


“Reclaiming masculinity.”


“Oust arrogant political elites.”


“Nobody ever communicates with their neighbours except to beat on their walls when the music is too loud.”


“Presumed it was someone fully intent on murdering us.”


“Shouting her grievances about the darkness rather pointlessly into that darkness.”


“Did not bring out the best in us.”


“Ate himself to mountainous size.”


“Developed writing and laws.”


“Existent danger to civilization.”


“Have no elected role and are largely unknown to the public.”


“Economic ruin.”


“Broke back in to reclaim his home.”


“Hang out like they're in the Scooby Gang.”


“Geriatric meltdown.”


“Confiscation hearing.”


“Want the will condemned.”


'The Sunday Business Post' Quote:

“Monopolise court time.”


'All The Plagues Of Hell' Quotes:

“She was not welcome among them.”


“Satanically empowered.”


“Justinian Plague reborn.”


'BBC News' Quote:

“Climactic shift.”


'RTE News' Quotes:

“Engaged properly.”


“City region.”


'Dr Phil' Quote:

“Doesn't beleive in working.”

Scary Books

Vintage Book Reviews: Harriet Said... +Jedi Apprentice 9, 10, 12 + City + The School

Harriet Said...by Beryl Bainbridge

This 1972 novel has been reprinted. But it is not immensely readable or agreeably odd. 2 teen girls prey on creepy older men. Nobody has moral integrity in this complete disaster.


Best Lines:

“Most people refuse to walk down the street with her.”


“Harriet who was fond of assuming the character expected of her in certain different houses.”

~

Jedi Apprentice 9: The Search For Truth
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are sent off on another mission but this time they have company, Adi Gallia and her apprentice Siri. The Jedi arrive on an isolated, remote, unfriendly world. Qui-Gon and Adi Gallia go in search of a stolen child with force potential while Siri and Obi are abducted and dumped in a school for juvenile delinquents. Anyway Obi and Siri clash and fight. The book is very rushed at the end and you have to wonder about Obi-Wan, he keeps getting abducted. What sort of Jedi is he?

~
Jedi Apprentice 10: The Shattered Peace
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan head off to the worlds Rutan and Senali to prevent a war. Of course nothing goes as planned as they are soon stuck with two spoilt whining princlings and a stuck-up hippie chick. It all leads to a race against time to stop the Royal hunting dogs being blown up as part of a cunning plant to start an inter-planet war. The characters are fun and the planets are vastly different: Rutan are bloodline obsessed and love hunting and Senali are holier than thou hippies.

The villain gets off scott-free for a change as his behaviour is expected of someone in his position and there is even a quick love story thrown in. Also Obi-Wan is still obsessing about events on Melida/Daan.

~
Jedi Apprentice 12: The Evil Experiment
At the end of book 11 Qui-Gon was carried off by an evil bounty hunter and now he is the prisoner of the evil and utterly insane Jenna Zan Arbor who wishes to drain his fluids so she can study The Force. No comment. Qui-Gon is dangled upside down in a gas filled chamber and experimented on. Meanwhile the Jedi let Obi-Wan and Astri wander the galaxy looking for him. Amazingly Obi-Wan demonstrates skills. He does Jedi stuff and not once does he get kidnapped, lose his lightsaber, get beaten up or used as a hostage.

Jenna and her single digit IQ bodyguard are  evil. Obi-Wan gets to do cool stuff and he and Qui-Gon have a truly sweet bonding moment. Which was never repeated.

~
Smallville: City by Devin Grayson
A forgettable bittersweet tale that centres on the Clark/Lex friendship. Lex takes Clark on a trip to Metropolis only to get embroiled in a plot where Lionel has arranged for his son to be kidnapped unaware an insane would-be-alien hunter is already stalking the duo. This captures the essence of the Clark/Lex relationship and delves into the toll Clark's lies is taking on them both. It is tinged with sadness. but does have Clark and Lex sharing a rooftop hot-tub overlooking the Metropolis skyline.

~
The School by Ed Kelleher and Harriet Vidal
Where evil is taught...

Vanessa Forbes arrives at boarding school. Everyone acts like it is the 1970s when it is the 80s. Also a triple murder was commited by a student against the perv headmaster and 2 students in the 1930s which was shrugged off. People laugh about it! The murdered headmaster's great grandnephew Matthew is now principal and yep he is a perv too. Drama teacher Karin is deciding which play her students should perform this year and Vanessa's new classmates Laura, Marie, Ingrid and Rickie do nothing but obsess about drink, drugs and the boys from the school across the lake. Two of those boys are Bobby and Dennis; it is obvious from the get-go that Dennis is bad. Bobby just has some weird dreams about dinosaur bones. Also lurking around is Walter, the perverted handyman as well as Mr and Mrs Trousdale, the satan worshipping caretakers.

Vanessa is soon hearing odd noises and bedevilled by hallucinations of death and decay. Whilst in the basement Karin finds a play written by the 1930s murderess. She and Matthew decide the play will be staged. Bad idea. The school is a genius loci or something and the events of the 1930s have been set in motion again. Because, reasons. Something demonic and unseen seduces Karin and drives her into insanity. Meanwhile production of the play begins, nobody ever goes to class, Rickie kills herself, Walter comes to a nasty end and Bobby has an accident.

Vanessa can't leave the school even when Rickie returns from the grave to plead with her to flee. Then one dark night Laura and Ingrid head to Matthew's house for some fun, Karin takes a fall and a conspiracy of evil leads Vanessa to a fate she has been destined for since the 1930s. After the fact cops and reporters descend on the school but can find no answers. Bobby and Marie transfer to schools in New York and vow to find answers unaware the evil has followed them there. This was pulp 80s horror apparently adapted into an extremely rare  film called 'Voodoo Dolls'.
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PromNight2

Slasher Guilty Party2x01+Black Lightning (2018-?)1x01-1x03+Babylon 5 3x05+DS9 1x08+Animatrix (2003)

Six Feet Under

5 years ago, workers at a summer camp bullied a co-worker in a hellish scene and put her on trial for “being a nasty bitch”. Then they murdered her. They're racist and this action provokes a reaction. Time passes and someone is revengeful. They are awful people. Leslie Hope and Ty Olsson star.


The former camp counsellors go back to the scene of their crime which is now a yoga cult comune. The summer camp is isolated in the winter. Dawn a bitchy blonde is perpetually in a foul mood. The brats lied without compunction. Why are they still friends? This is not a searching exploration of vengefulness and shame. They don't have splendid awfulness and deserve their ghastly fates.


They have no remorse for murdering someone. This was not lurid just mundane. They've returned to the scene of their crime because someone is to build a resort on the old summer camp and they want to find and destory their murder victim's remains before developers find it. Nobody has found the body in 5 years. The smug jerks have no issue with corpse desecration, denying their victim's family closure and mocking the yoga cult as a Manson family like group.


The jerks also framed a man named Owen for the woman's disappearance. He's dead. They don't care. A man gets chainsawed in a sauna. No-one notices. The body has been moved. Peter says they should go to the police. They should have done that 5 years ago. A married ho is a whiny selfish ho who cheats on her husband. Peter sees the ho for what she is. The ho set the whole murder in motion and has no regrets. Noah is a creepy nerd. I don't care about their emotional upset.


An ex-con does philosphic mumbling. Nobody takes responsibility for their personal choices. The dead girl's bones are strung up. The ho is hit with a 2 by 4 and bled out. The gang are acrimonious. Why did the ho go out jeeping? The ho dererved to be staked out. There is such remoteness. This was all drably familiar. The gang deserve to inexorably head toward disaster. Peter cries. Susan shrieks. Dawn is a bitch. They are not willing to hear counsel, have a lack of concern, they don't care how they've adversely impacted people and shriek vitriolic comments.


Why did they treat their victim so brutally? They scream denunciations of character at each other. They deserve to die. Discord is sown. This was wholly implausible, flat and joyless.


Best Lines:

“I hear someone playing the banjo and I'm out of here.”


“Time we faced justice.”


“No-one's found her yet.”


“Trips over a skull.”


“You're a victim, that's how you define yourself.”


~
The Resurrection

A retured superhero (Cress Willaims) stares at the tv as the 100 gang rampage. The superhero disappeared from action 9 years ago. Platitudes are spewed, his bimbo daughter plays with her phone and this is SJW material. The city is in a precarious state. There is cultural chaos. The title card is okay. The former superhero is now a high school principle. He is also an Olympic gold medalist. James Remar is in this. The former superhero's eldest daughter is a med student.


The 100 gang have a dark reputation. The bimbo daughter goes to a 100 club and yet she is supposed to be a top student/athlete. There is a nightclub fight and this is polemical. This was unnecessarily unenjoyable. This was long and loud. There are many disincentives to care. The hero's ex-wife doesn't seem especially supportive. The hero wants to give his ex-wife re-entry to his life.


The hero is seen as a vigilante and is not socially approved. His ex wife looks anorexic. This leaves one pretty unethusiastic. The youngest daughter being threatened by gangbangers doens't create wariness. She shrugs it off. A big bad who tosses a guy into a piranaha tank lurks. The hero's family has a stalker. The principle is endlessly positive. Angry men wave guns. People are increasingly desperate. There is no civility. There is an attack on the shcool. This tries for unearned emotion. How does the hero have powers? He has a sidekick (who looks like Gary Oldman) and a lair.


The city is a cesspool of nastiness. The hero puts on a new costume which has LEDs in it. Why does he wear shades at night? Why don't his shades come off? Why don't the cops arrest the vigilante who is posing on the roof of the motel? The eldest daughter inherited powers from her father. There are bitter tensions and deadly consequences.


Best Lines:

“Some guy in a weird parliament-funkadelic get up.”


“Something to fear.”


“High class ass kissing.”


“Just stand there and be cute.”


“Set a good exmaple for other girls.”


“Talk real.”


“Their father's like black Jesus!”


LaWanda: The Book Of Hope

Jefferson takes on Lala. Jefferson's ex has wilful ignorance and is not thoughtful or reflective. Jefferson is stricken. The 100 cause consternation. There is a pretence of dignity. This was banality. It tries for cultural weight and smart considered commentary. There are garganutuan consequencs to messing with the 100. Things get a bit more volatile. There are combative encounters. There is wild idealism and subtlety counts for little. The ex whines and this is a grim business. The evil albino lurks and sneers. There is a dire situation. Lala exits the show.


Best Lines:

“Start taking girls out of church?”


“War for the streets.”


“I didn't know.”

“Clearly.”


“There is no damn addiction!”


“Looking for her daddy in all the wrong men.”


“Yes you can. You just won't!”


“I'm not normal!”


“You drinking now? At school?!?”


“I live the life that rappers talk about.”


LaWanda: The Book Of Burial

Who is Gambi? Tobias is the big bad. Arissa the eldest daughter does little of note. Who is Lady Eve? Clifton Powell guest stars. Why does Tobias' sidekick never speak? This fails rather spectacularly. There are less than competent people. Jefferson acts creepily to a teen boy. The city is riven by violence. This does not matter significantly. Henderson whines. A Reverend whines. People get shot in the pesthole city. The teen boy sustains a consequence. Nice going Jefferson.


Best Lines:

“Live with your misery.”


“You look like an Instagram ho!”


~
Voices Of Authority

Sheridan and co lie. Zack whines about his jacket not fitting. Delenn babytalks about the First Ones. Marcus lurks with his 90s hair. Draal overacts like a mad person. The opening credits are boring. Poor Marcus likes Susan but she treats him badly. Julia a fascist from Earth shows up and she vows to root out immoral conduct. This was pretty silly. G'Kar wants to be told the truth, people lie to him for no clear reason. People lie more. Ivanova is awful to Marcus. She steps into the Great Machine and pulls incriminating footage of President Clark out of her ass. Garibaldi is an ass to Zack, who is justifably suspicious of his bosses. Zack is sick of their crap. Julia leaves never to be seen or heard of again. This was not impactful.


Best Lines:

“Rides up back there.”


“Earth doesn't have homeless.”


“Filter them out at an early age.”


“Never return from Io.”


“No response can be too extreme.”


“I don't read Narn.”

“LEARN!”


~
Dax

Jadzia Dax is on trial for something Curzon Dax did, allegedly. Where is the JAG? Gregory Itzin and Fionnula Flanagan guest star. Dax is very calm and silent. Sisko rages. Kira wears a tacky plastic belt. This was okay. A dead beloved war hero turns out to be nothing of the sort.


Best Lines:

“Assume there is and then find it.”


“Then that answer is wrong!”


“Decades after his death they still mourn him.”

“But you don't.”

~

Animatrix (2003)
This collection of nine animated short films fills in bits of information before and during 'The Matrix' movies and digs deep in the history of the world of the Matrix. Now 'The Matrix' was good, 'The Matrix Reloaded' was incomprehensible and these animated shorts which are both prelude and companion to the movies are insufferably pretentious junk.

FINAL FLIGHT OF THE OSIRIS
This computer-animated tale deals with the doomed ship that accidentally stumbled upon the thousands of Sentinels drilling towards Zion. One of the crewmembers has to plug in and drop off a package in the Matrix as a message to Zion. A prelude to 'TM:R' it looks good but what is with the animators and their fascination for half-naked woman wandering around in thongs? This was short and fairly okay except for the striptease swordfight.

THE SECOND RENAISSANCE 1 AND 2
This deals with how humans created androids, turned on them and how the androids fought back. This is unbelievably nasty in its depictions of the human/machine war and the grotesque aftermath when the humans lost. This was ugly nasty stuff.

KID'S STORY
Remember that kid who followed Neo around in 'TM:R'? Well this is his boring origin story. He was an alienated teen until he got a message and had to escape The Matrix. His way of escaping is to throw himself off the roof of his school, die and awaken in the real world. This was really problematic.

PROGRAM
A man and a woman duel in a simulation of ancient Japan. This was dull and exists solely to show off its pretty pretty animation. Plus also features the woman walking around with her ass falling out of her thong.

WORLD RECORD
A sprinter runs so hard he wills himself out of The Matrix. This was crap.

BEYOND
A woman (who is first seen with her ass hanging out of her thong) loses her cat and with the help of some kids tracks him to a haunted house. The house is actually a glitch in the Matrix programming and offers the kids who hang out there a chance to bend the laws of reality and generally have fun diving at the concrete and hanging objects in mid-air. Eventually The Matrix corrects itself. This was way too long.

A DETECTIVE STORY
This was pretentious and boring, drawn in overly arty style. This is about a PI who is asked to find Trinity. Makes no sense the more you think about the plot.

MATRICULATED
A group of people capture a Sentinel and plugs it into The Matrix. They want to turn it to their side. This is full of 'Yellow Submarine' like colour schemes and visuals and the ending rips off 'Bride of Frankenstein'. This was far too long and far too up its own ass. And speaking of ass, a woman walks around in a thong. This was a dull, boring, pretentious, boring piece of crap.
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Traveler

Movie Reviews: Evidence+Unrest+He's Out There+The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane+ 8 others

Evidence (2013)

Stephen Moyer of 'Ultraviolet' and 'True Blood' stars alongside Radha Mitchell. The cops look at recovered camera footage to see what happened after a massacre at an old abandoned truck stop. People disappeared from their own lives. This is from the director of 'The Fourth Kind'. Harry Lennix and Caitlin Stasey co-star. A bus crashed and vengeful and malicious killers were excited by their own sadism.


This was absurdly bad faux-noir. Who inflicted horrible pain on the whiners? Who stews in poisonous rage? Emotionless and grim people face excessive violence and there is a twist. This was bad.


~
Unrest (2017)

This is a ridiclious documentary about ME. It is out of focus mainipulation by the 'director' Jennifer. Why is she lying on the floor? This is deeply questionable. Why are the phd student and her husband filming this? She lies on the steps and talks about her 'health issues'. She cries but there are no tears. Is she on drugs? Does she have mental health issues? Why doesn't her husband help her when she's crawling up the steps and around on the floor on her hands and knees whilst grinning like a loon?


Who is paying for her treatment and boxes of pills? She dismisses being diagnoised with conversion disorder and is not getting any therapy. If she's bedridden, where are her bedsores? She claims to have ME/CFS. There is chilling distain and ignorance of sense. Jennifer seems to have learned helplessness and has weaponised said helplessness. Jennifer is filled with fantasies of her own persecution. She talks about killing herself, but that would necessitate getting off her ass.


This was flat and ineffectual. People moan about their dark path to ruin, but are strangely alienated from audience sympathy. Their claims aren't persuasive. Jennifer talks (online) to Jessica in the UK. Jessica wears sunglasses and earmuffs and has to be carried around in a stretcher and has the bones of a 100 year old. Jessica looks anorexic and if she lies in bed for years, how does she go to the bathroom? Jennifer annoys.


People babble about strange viruses and the CDC. Patients seem intent on self-sabotage and find life insurmountably difficult. Jennifer and fellow ME 'sufferers' love ascribing bad faith to medical professionals. Is ME even a real disease? Jennifer gets 'medicine' and then lies on the ground and then fake cries on the ground. Jennifer and her ME clan claim to be a marginalised community. Who is paying for their wifi? They are contrarions. Jennifer's husband sprays stuff on her head. Jennifer's husband Omar used to be on tv and hang out with Oprah.


Now he tends to the wailing whining Jennifer. Why doesn't the faker have a shower? A man waves a gun near children. People are going wrong. A mother and daughter claim to have ME. Jennifer claims 80% of autoimmune disease sufferers are women. In Denmark, an ME 'sufferer' was taken from her enabling parents. Random unrelated images pop up.


Jennifer takes massive amounts of pills, juices, injections and she eats bonemarrow. She huffs gas and people babble about mould. Omar starts cracking up. Jennifer starts living in a tent in the garden and draws a huge list on a wall. We see a man named Whitney who is fed via IV and who does not speak or allow people to speak to him. He wears ear muffs and keeps his eyes cleod all the time. He has his family fawning all over him and waiting on him hand and foot. There is a massive hole in his bedroom wall and this is not explained. Nor is his obvious mental illness or eating disorder explained.


In Denmark, a man named Per Fink is mocked. There is a cat, Jessica has hydrothearpy and life goes on and this does not make you reflective.


Best Lines:

“Yuppie flu.”


“Plateau of funciton.”


“Lost so much.”


“Remained in hospital for four years. Constantly.”


“Frustrated at me.”


“Homebound.”


“This is normal for us.”


“Don't have any friends now. They're gone.”


“As old as written history.”


“No discoverable basis.”


“Crash point.”


“Telling you no for the stupidest reasons.”


“Made choices that I regret.”


“Dinosaur food.”


“Self administered hookworm.”


“That's scary to me.”


“It's a little maddening.”


“Mould avoidance.”


“Watching my life disappear.”


“Watching the world just pass.”


~
He's Out There (2018)

Annoying kids ruin this movie. A mother (Yvonne Strahovski of 'Chuck' and 'The Handmaid's Tale') drives her SUV at 2mph to a summer house. There is way over the top delivery. A handyman lurks. When this slump comes, it comes fast and hard. The husband and father is elsewhere. Why does she leave her phone in the car? Why does she not impose discpline on her brats? A stupid baddie lurks and can the woman and her awful kids dodge the inevitable? There is a sequel hook. This was a disastrous dire failure.


~
The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (1976)

Jodie Foster and Martin Sheen star in this inept dull film. A perv (Sheen) and his mother bully and bother a girl (Foster). The girl, Rynn, has a grim existence. This was dumb.


Best Lines:

“Don't care for your tone any better today.”


“Creep son.”


~
Root Cause (2018)

This is a documentary about the evils of root canals. There are bad re-enactments as a man blames his 'health issues' on root canals. He did ridiclious alternative therapies and refused in any manner to use sense. I just hated this.


Best Line:

“Parasite cleanse.”


~
Assumed Killer (2013)

Casper Van Dien, Armand Assante and Eric Roberts star in this serial killer drama. A rich family have drama, a reporter has a car crash leading to a coma and amnesia and bad acting. The reporter becomes convinced Van Dien is a serial killer. This was overly serious and hopelessly muddled and uncomplicated by nuance or sound creative decisions.


Best Lines:

“Anxiety provoking.”


“Are we famous or just rich?”


“Verbal contact.”


~
Flirting With Danger (2006)

Charisma Carpenter stars alongside showkiller Karen Cliche. A man obsesses over a femme fatale and faxes and shrieks accusations at women. This is a crap 'Black Widow' ripoff.


Best Line:

“Stop by unannounced at midnight.”


~
Shark Lake (2015)

Dolph Lundgren stars. A cop has stolen his kid and there is a shark in a lake. The cop acts so far beyond legality it is a joke. This was overdramatised.


~
The Nun's Story (1959)

Overwrought.


~
The Eighteenth Angel (1997)

The crow flies, the clock strikes and the devil is due.

This TV movie penned by the author of 'The Omen' is another ripoff of that tale. It centres on American teenager, Lucy (played by the angelic looking Rachel Leigh Cook) who after losing her mother and being told her cat has to be put down is sent off to Rome to become a model. Of course, nefarious deeds are at work. A group of Satanists (including a very cute stable boy) lead by a deranged priest are gathering 18 angels for some Byzantine plot involving faceless rats, human blanks and a gorgeous but ominous medieval clock.

In medieval times a man designed a clock that will foretell the return of Satan to Earth. He then died after an ominous wind blew open a window (a staple demonstration of nefarious satanic deeds in this type of movie) Anyway the deranged priest has also enlisted a genetic expert who was denounced for wanting to clone humans. Apparently it has been foretold that when humans get the ability to recreate themselves they will no longer need God. And there is a prophecy that Satan will walk the Earth wearing a beautiful face. This is all very complicated.

Satan cannot just walk the Earth, so he must choose one of the 18 angels to possess and then he will be able to walk the Earth wearing a beautiful face and create his demonic kingdom. Lucy, her horrible control-freak uptight father (Christopher McDonald) and their poor doomed cat Mozzie are in Italy. The film has a very stylish look, with black and white interludes, the lovely Italian scenery and nice music. The style and the plot mixing science and the supernatural imply a nice sense of impending menace. However there is one, gaping, horrible flaw in this film and that is Christopher McDonald. His acting is bottom-of-the-barrel bad.

Very strange things happen: the weird maid comes to a bad end, stable-boy kills someone just by walking toward them in a menacing fashion and Lucy has a nasty accident. Crazy Dad battles satanic stable-boy one on one and wins. There is a huge fire and Lucy is saved. There is lots of running around and screaming. Crazy Dad hugs his beloved Lucy (that name!) as she stares and smirks. This was silly.

~
Battle Royale (2000)
A bizarre and dark Japanese film set in a futuristic dystopia. With rising crime and unruly youth on the rampage, the government has passed the BR act. A random lottery selects a school class who are then transported to a 10 mile deserted island, given weapons and given three days to play a survival game in which they must kill each other until only one of them is left alive. Then that one person will be allowed to return to society.

This is a bleak film, 'Lord of the Flies' has nothing on this lot. Some students won't take part in the game and kill themselves, others turn on their classmates with savagery and others give into paranoia and attack each other. So we get a crazed girl stabbing a classmate to death with a switchblade in a frenzy after he threatens her with a crossbow, five girls who banded together to live give into paranoia and gun each other down in rivers of blood and another student stalking around coldly with a scythe.

Meanwhile two boys and a girl stick together hoping to somehow cheat the game unaware that while their classmates are now a threat that a bigger threat lies in their former teacher. He is overseeing their game and lovingly reads out casualty lists over loudspeakers every four hours and chides them for slacking off when the death rate is low.

This is bleak, dark stuff and definitely not for all tastes - in fact some people may feel they'll go to hell for just watching it but once you start watching it, you just can't stop.

~
The Cover Girl Murders (1993)
There are bad movies, there are inept movies and then there are movies like this. This is a truly horrendous TV movie starring the really embarrassed Lee Majors, Beverly Johnson, Adrian Paul and Vanessa Angel. A group of models (including Angel and Johnson), their photographer (Paul), the sleazoid magazine owner (Majors), his sidekick, the art director and a perverted janitor are on a tiny remote island shooting swimsuit pictures.

Anyway after a nasty dream sequence, a lot of expositionary dialogue, a hell of a lot of travelling footage and lots of slow-motion scenes of the models bounding around in the surf, the action finally begins.

A model drives her Jet Ski into some rocks causing a really pathetic explosion while all the untalented actors try to look sad. Later another model jumps off a cliff. Then comes the classic cast suspicion on the perverted janitor scene. Then Majors manages to persuade everyone to stay and keep taking pictures of scantily clad models even as the cast list continues to be trimmed.

Paul doesn't even try to act. Johnson (a real-life model) looks ashamed to even be in this film, Angel (best known for loosing the role of Xena: Warrior Princess after catching the flu) displays no talent whatsoever.

The radio gets smashed, another model blows up, another model falls into a lagoon, Majors acts sleazily, the photographer blows up, the boat is destroyed, the janitor vanishes and finally there are only 4, no 3, no 2 people left. Even 'Baywatch' wouldn't use this plot. It's too bad, even for them.

This film has what has to be the most stupid, illogical, pathetic, implausible and impossible twist endings ever. In fact don't even call it a twist call it desperation as the writers obviously had no idea how to end this piece of trash.