January 2nd, 2019


Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Mary, Queen Of Scots' tv spot

In an era of Kings, Mary is a snot.

'Honest Trailers: Venom'

Science talk, weird noises and close encounters of the turd kind. Ha.

'BBC Drama 2019'


'The Orville' promo

Uh, no.

Lir chocolates – okay.

Gin passionberry choc – good.

Pink Gin slice & share fudge – too sweet.

Who saw 'Class Of Nuke 'Em High Part II: Subhumanoid Meltdown', 'Flesh Gordon 2', 'The Forbidden Dance', 'Spaced Invaders', 'The Werewolf Of Washington', 'Wing Commander', 'The Wraith', 'The Incredible Hulk', 'Meridian' or 'Cthulhu Mansion'?

'Dr Phil' Quotes:

“The house is so full of drama.”

“Has a mental problem.”

'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Concerned looks from walkers.”

“Generational moment.”

“Incredibly celebratory tones.”

“Symbol of safety.”

“Any outcome would be rejected.”

“Men are coming to get me.”

“Nobody wants to know.”

“Less happy.”

“Refuse this help.”

“No longer take being scolded or sanctioned.”

“Squidged its soft form.”

“Long overdue critcal deference.”

“Citizens protest movement-”

“Hateful crowd.”

“Acknowledged the anger.”

“Implying he did not accept the blame.”

“Calming the protests.”

“Impact craters.”

'RTE News' Quotes:

“Sneak tax.”

“Black market hair-dressing.”

'The Cable Guy' Quote:

“I hate you! Get out of my life!”

'Sherlock Holmes and The Sussex Sea-Devils' Quotes:

“Once let slip a reference to non-Euclidean geometry.”

“Anyone can don robes and light torches and chant a bit of mumbo-jumbo around a makeshift altar and think they have contacted gods,”

'Glass Empires' Quote:

“All we have are unsubstantiated rumors about whoever or whatever is there.”

'Sherlock' Quote:

“All emotion is abhorrent to me.”

'The Stand' (book) Quote:

“The time of choices had long since passed.”

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Johnny Guitar+Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie+Motel Hell+ 4 others

Johnny Guitar (1954)

This Joan Crawford western sees her live a life of which people disapprove. Some awful woman is Joan's arch enemy in this horrendous film. The awful woman is entirely unreasonable. There are guns and no societal cohesion. A stuntman in a wig rolls down a hill. This has no vitality. Joan is problematically unbiddable and the ugly awful woman is unhelpfully snide and has a grievance to an irrational degree.

To Joan is ascribed all sin. The awful woman is combative and unjust and has no regard for the consequnces. This leaves you riled but not attentive. There is overly mannered acting. A climactic confrontation reveals a tale of thwarted affection or soemthing. What do the local opponents have against Joan?

Best Lines:

“The only trouble we have is what you brought in.”

“Gonna be closed territory.”

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016)

This was unneeded. I thought Saffron and her daughter had disowned Edina after Edina slapped Saffron's then toddler daughter. But now Saffron and her daughter are back with Edina acting like it never happened. The late June Whitfield pops up. Edina has had her house extended. Christopher Ryan pops up. There are tired jokes, bad jokes and cameos. This stopped being funny in 1995. This was an over-extended skit.

Best Lines:

“If you want things you have to pay for them.”

“Since when?”

“You need to be using fetus blood.”

“Go outside! Into the air!”

“You lit it, it's a cigarette.”

“No eaty.”

“Exercise. Exercise. Done.”

“Hand money.”

“I don't do traffic!”

Motel Hell (1980)

This alleged classic horror is actively stupid. It had lurid VHS covers back in the day and a lurid plot. But it is not tremendously good. A brother and sister bury people neck deep in a field, fatten them up and then turn them into meat pastries. There is bad acting, psychotic smirking, sheer evilness and horrifcally unstable baddies who've been doing this for 30 years unnoticed. This eneds with a chainsaw duel in which one guy wears a pigmask. This was BORING.

Best Lines:

“His peeker don't work!”

“Biggest cannibal in the whole country.”

Sgt Kabukiman N.Y.P.D (1996)


Hocus Pocus (1993)


Three-Headed Shark Attack (2015)

A calamity.

The Craft (1996) Rewatch

Fairuza Balk, Robin Tunney of 'Prison Break', Neve Campbell of 'Scream' and 'House of Cards', Christine Tayloer, Skeet Ulrich of 'Scream', 'Riverdale' and 'Jericho', Cliff De Young and Helen Shaver star in this tale of teen witches. Tunney wears a wig and one wonders where the reboot is. How does the trailer trash Nancy afford to attend the fancy Catholic school? Nancy has a noose in her locker? Nobody has an objection to this? There is open sexism in classrooms and Ulrich slutshames female classmates and nobody does anything? Taylor's open racism goes unpunished. The teen witches become increasingly deranged and turn on each other. Sadly it was dull and dated.

Best Lines:

“Scary bitch alert.”

“Bitches of Eastwick.”

“Watch out for the weirdoes.”

We are the weirdoes mister.”

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    Eye Of The Tiger – Survivor/Old Town – Phil Lynott/Lose Yourself – Eminen/Fairy Tale Of New York – The Pogues and Kirsty McColl
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Book Reviews: Vampire Detectives, part 3 +My Name Is Mary Sutherland+ These Our Actors

Vampire Detectives edited by Martin H. Greenberg, part 3

You'll Catch Your Death

I've no idea what this was about.

Shell Game

It's not unreasonable to ask how this got published.

The Secret

A stupid tale of unspeakable cruelty and frighteningly thoughtless people.

Blind Pig On North Halsted

Wretched sexual politics in this wretched dreck.

Phil The Vampire

Sexist muck.


I failed to admire this.

My Name Is Mary Sutherland by Kate Farrell

This good novella sees a newsteam visit an unspecified institution to speak to teenager Mary Sutherland who has been there for 3 years. Mary tells of a contented life, ruined when her mother died and her father with indecent haste married his calculating mistress. Mary was marginalized, neglected and abused by her useless father and evil stepmother.

When her half-sister Rosie was born, things became immeasurably worse. As Mary relates the prefiguring events that lead to her institutionalisation and abandonment by her family, it becomes clear that her self-pitying narrative is self-serving. She plays the victim, heaps judgemental distain on her hated stepmother, picks and chooses the narrative she tells, avoids all culpability and reveals how she had previous furious reactions to being taken out of her emotional rut.

Was Mary's father really not to be relied upon to fulfil his paternal commitments? Did nobody ever notice that Mary is probably autistic? Did the mother of who Mary speaks so fondly never notice her only child's furtive violence? Was Rosie really smothered in attention to Mary's detriment? Was Mary's stepmother really someone who exploded over the most trivial issues? Did Mary's father have such capitulation to his new wife? Was there an emotional preference for his new family? Was Mary really subject to oppression and made to feel like the problem by everyone? Was she really treated so badly by teachers, schoolmates and family?

After reading this, one can have no valid objection to the stepmother's alleged scathing assessment of Mary. The self-pitying Mary has totally discredited herself through the uncontested details of her own words. Mary says she has no remorse. Just how often has the morally compromised Mary lashed out and gone absolutely beserk? The final reveal of what Mary did and how she's shrugged off the exceptionally serious negative impact and her absolute lack of responsibilty has the gravest implications. This is an unsettling read. The change in Mary's appearence and the undelivered letters to her father raise even more moral quesitons.

Best Lines:

“Everybody laughed. Not in a nice way neither.”

“They all looked dead mental.”

“She was good at leaving rooms after I'd upset her, and Dad was good at following her.”

“The receptionist that you'd married.”

“He fished out a couple of tenners from his wallet, at which point his wife came in. She must have smelt the money.”


Bad Buffy The Vampire Slayer novel

These Our Actors.


Seaquest DSV (1993-1996) 1x19+The Kenny Everett Video Show Disc 4+Star Trek Enterprise 4x18+3 others

The Last Lap Of Luxury

In the future, the supersub Seaquest is the pride of the UEO. The Seaquest capatain likes U2. Evil people plot as a UEO confrence is being held. The opening credits claims that for beneath the surface lies the future. The late Jonathan Brandis plays a smart teen who hangs out on a military sub for no clear reason and there is a dolphin in the opening credits.

Carl Lumbly guest stars and this was brroadcast in 4:3. Kreig is hot. Lucas is obnoxious and annoying. There is a fanfic out there that shows a dark mirror universe of the Seaquest in which MU Lucas is kept on board as a sexslave. So eww. Darwin the dolphin talks. Lucas is the centre of attention. A room full of bigwigs vanish. A female UEO bigwig is naturally evil. Lucas is 16 – do child labour laws not apply on the Seaquest? The day is saved by Lucas' chewing gum and the teen genius building stuff out of scraps. UEO leaders stand around gaping at Lucas in awe.

The baddies plan to kill the hostages. Ted Raimi lurks. Piss off Joxer. Why is there climbing gear on submarine? How were the hostages rescued from the flooding room? It's amazing how Lucas' 90s hair is unaffected by oceanwater. This was okay.

Best Lines:

“Man's struggle for cultural identity.”

“Misplaced world leadership.”

“Ensure world order.”

The Kenny Everett Video Show Disc 4

This tries for fabulously bizarre. Marcel Wave prances. The Tinsel Man skit is borderline offensive. There is no character depth. There is still no compelling reason to watch. Kenny is deeply strange. This was not breathtakingly original. Was Kenny deservedly adored? Or was it mistaken nostalgia? This show seems arbitrary.

Why is he a celebrated creative? People talk of Kenny with breathless reverence and call him breathtakingly orginal. Tina Turner performed. David Bowie looked high. Bryan Ferry looks greasy. In a skit Kenny accidently kills his camera crew. In another he does an incoherent Scottish accent. The stupid cartoon is still around and there is a big finale full of fake snow.

Best Lines:

“I fought for people like you but I never got one!”

“Lily-livered mincer!”

“How can an idiot be so attractive?”

“Beast-fiend incarnate.”

“I feel like a new man. I must go out and get one.”

“Cosmic awareness.”

“Agony spray.”

“That dude's got his own river!”

In A Mirror Darkly Part 1

This is set in the Mirror Universe. MU T'Pol and MU Hoshi are dressed and styled like hookers. Why are MU T'Pol and MU Pholox on the Enterprise in the alien hating Terran Empire? It is shown that when Earth and the Vulcans made First Contact it led to the Vulcans being killed and the Terrans storming the ship. The Terrans show no signs of the light sensitivity that they did on 'Star Trek: Discovery' note MU Reed doing a psychotic smirk whilst watching his own ship being blown up.

MU Archer overacts. A Tholian is blown up by the Terrans. The opening credits are changed to show the Terrans violent history. This was okay if not a riveting tale of corrupt activity. The pestilential MU crew do things for no other purpose than to antagonise. The find the USS Defiant from the regular universe which has tumbled through time and a dimensional barrier to arrive in the MU. MU Tucker looks bored (the actor hated the ep). MU Tucker was exposed to Delta Radiation so why isn't he dead? MU Tucker and MU T'Pol have a thing. MU Reed invented the Agony Booth – of course he did. MU Reed enjoys putting MU Tucker in it. MU Tucker vows revenge. A line which lead to fanfics. MU T'Pol mindscrews MU Tucker. MU Tucker's makeup job is obvious. MU Reed is so much more interesting than his real counterpart.

Best Lines:

“Very badly.”

“Answer my questions or you will be harmed!”

“Reed, I'll kill you when I get out of this.”

“I'd like to see you try.”

The Invaders 2x19

The Pit

David Vincent visits a friend who is in the nut ward. DV is increasingly glum. A dream machine is discussed. The friend in the nut ward has a wife who is played by the actress who was the famous Romulan Commander on 'TOS'! DV is in peril. An alien uses a pacemaker to fake having a heartbeat. Nobody dwells on the hostile cosmic forces whose existence alone gives the lie to the notion that humanity is in any way a superior specises and has a meaningful place in the order of things. This was rubbish.

Best Lines:

“Emotioanlly tired.”

“Think factory.”

“Risked a hideous painful death by injecting himself with rabies.”

“Planetary intruders.”

“Insanity is not herititary!”

“We were just discussing going to other planets.”

War Of The Worlds 1x12&1x13

Choirs Of Angels

The aliens put subliminal messages in music (that sound like Jan Hammer) and wreak havoc. This ep was a terrible thing. This was intellectually hapless. Harrison is pathologicallyself-righteous and thinks he's intellectually rigorous. Harrison and Ironhorse have ideological divisions. The 'heroes' have no broadly unifying ideology. There is a negation of sense. Harrison is unacceptable and staid and claims the aliens attacked due to fear of the a-bomb. The aliens want ideological submission. Harrison has no grace or dignity. There is bitterness and rancour as there are the greatest personal consequnces. There are no people of good intent, bar Ironhorse. People need to reflect on their behaviour.

Best Lines:

“Provke the aliens?”

“Live as friends.”

“The sea is rotting!”

“The sound of the future.”

“Lies and distortations.”

Dust To Dust

The aliens mock watching tv. Ironhorse rants. The aliens look for a warship which is a reservation. The term Indian is used a lot. Ironhorse talks about being Cherokee and gets to kiss a woman. Ironhorse went to West Point. Native Americans save the day. Harrison is dim. This was okay.

Best Lines:

“Garbage heap of a planet.”

“Shouldn't we call the police?”

“Yeah, annoymously.”


The Stand (1994) Part 3

The Betrayal

Stu tells Fran to wipe his forehead off as he takes out a guy's appendix and kills the guy in the process. Harold wears a leather jacket. People accept the weird dreams. Fran and Stu throws themselves at each other. Harold acts like he is fine about this. People clean up Las Vegas at gunpoint. The Rat Man yaps. Why does anyone follow Flagg the Levi model looking creeper? Who promised Nadine to Flagg? Stephen King has a cameo dressed like a biker. Who cleared the road to Mother Abigail's compound? Glenn complains. Mother Abigail has issues. Why is Stu a leader? Fran sings the national anthem. The power is back on. You can tell Nadine is evil – she doesn't sing. Why wasn't Harold on the Free Zone Committe? Screw you Stu and Fran. There is terrible acting and spies are sent into Las Vegas. This was pretty disastrous. Larry calls Lucy his wife. WTF?

The Free Zone act like a cult and send Tom as a spy. Nadine shags Harold who turns into a jerkass who plans to plant a bomb. Nick makes moron faces and dies. More crazy cult like demands are made of the Free Zone. Flagg is called The Devil's Imp. This has grandiose pretensions. The acting is horrendous and so much happens off screen.

Best Lines:

“Dude's crazy.”

“Like we're not.”

“Work for you in the desert Trash.”

“Don't screw with my disco Nadine.”

“We're damned.”

“Yes. I know.”