December 28th, 2018

Scary Books

Book Reviews: Vampire Detectives, part 1 + The Light Between Worlds

Vampire Detectives edited by Martin H. Greenberg, part 1

This 1995 anthology does exactly what it says on the tin.



Vampire Dollars

A tale of Hollywood sleaze which has a bare miniumn of the vampire theme. What it does have is vile sexual politics.

Best Lines:

“He looked like a leftover cliche from the 50s.”

This Town Ain't Big Enough

I've read this goodish Tanya Huff tale before.


The Light Between Worlds by Laura Weymouth

This 'Narnia' knockoff is tiresome. During WW2, two London sisters and their ignored brother were transported to a mgical land. The bitch sister, Philippa, dragged them back. This act plunged Evelyn into depression and self harm. Why? The magical land doesn't seem that magical or interesting.

Now Evelyn is missing (eventually) and Philippa is still a massive stuck up bitch who made her sister and her introversion alienated from real life. Philippa purposefully denied logic and dictated the terms of the conclusion of their stay in the magic land. Now Evelyn is heartbreaking in her certainty she's in the wrong world and heads out to find her fated fulfilment. Evelyn was treated as unduly burdensome as she became of ever more melancholy disposition.

This was a tale of continual insecurity, a sister sly in her perfidy and plaintive hysteria. This book has no compelling reason to exist – it's so dull. Philippa is incapable of saying what she did was morally wrong.

Best Line:

“Everyone wants a glimpse of the old masters brought back from their wartime sojourn in a Welsh cave.”

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Kylo Ren

Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Z Nation' 5x13 promo

This show has been cancelled? Addy's a zombie? Warren's boyfriend shows up?

'Black Mirror: Bandersnatch' trailer

This looks weird.

'Attack Of The Giant Babies' promo

Hell no.

Peanut & salted caramel choc – good.

Gluten free white chocolate & cranberry cookies – okay.

Raspberry choc – okay.

Chocolate crumble choc – mmm.

Dark chocolate choc – okay.

There will be a 'Z Nation' spinoff called 'Black Summer'.

Who saw 'A Mighty Wind', 'Of Mice And Men', 'The Polar Express', 'Beowulf' or 'Gormenghast'?

'Aertel' Quote:

“Victim detection device.”

'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Decision-making appeared satisfactory.”

“Shut down informed debate.”

“Blinkered group-think.”

“Unheard of before.”

“Deer having twins.”

“Plead guilty to his latest offence,”

“Two with riot shields,”

“Challenging Behavior Unit.”

“Grim reading.”

“Personal protective-equipment.”

“Everything there is constructed to ensure it can't be turned into a weapon.”

“Tried to control his rage, with little success.”

“A five person team in full riot geat must be assembled.”

“No power to prevent him reading such books.”


“Fear of strangers coming into the community.”

“Final sign-off by all governments in the world.”

“Unnecessarily limiting.”

“Without any possibility of release.”

“Mass trend of active hostility.”

“High-profile drama.”

“Examinations of the past and an awareness of our of histories.”

“Actually meant to be creepy.”

“Dependence on these parcels at Christmas time in remote rural areas.”

“The joy of recipients and the disappointment for those left without.”

“Harmonically relentless.”

“Irritated by such criticism.”

“Condemnations were unnecessary.”

“General severity of tone.”

“Basic unwillingness to accept his judgment in these matters.”

“An ever more difficult figure.”

“More implacable, more certain in her convictions, more dismissive of any critical or querulous voices,”

“Get no credit for what we are doing.”

“Declinists, quietists and isolationists.”

'Eastenders' Quote:

“Rent a gob.”

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The Kenny Everett Video Show Disc 2+The ABC Murders (2018) 1x01+The Dead Room+ 3 others

The Kenny Everett Video Show Disc 2

There is no Cupid Stunt yet. The chicken jokes and stupid cartoon drive me mad. Sid Snot jokes and Hot Gossip does a risque dance rountine. There are no values and I didn't enjoy this as much as others imagine. There is an unfortunate Jimmy Saville mention and tiresome musical acts.

Best Lines:

“Lots of disgusting bits!”

“Mail your tv to me.”

“A punk person.”

“Getting over-filthy.”

“Fungus face.”

The ABC Murders (2018) 1x01

One of Agatha Christie's lesser novels is this year's adaptation. John Malkovich and the ever-untalented Rupert Grint star alongside Shirley Henderson and a load of no-names. The opening credits are weird. There are trains, grime, anti-foreigner posters and a vile landlady (Henderson) who seems to have a fog inside her hovel. Mr Cust moves into said hovel and seems to be a loony in this 1933 set tale.

The landlady has general domestic hopelessness. She's scathing about foreigners damaging society whilst pimping out her daughter. This is quite different from the art deco David Suchet take on the novel. Japp has retired and Poirot has had a sharp drop in popularity. Poirot (Malkovich) has a stalker and has not maintained his reputation. Where are Miss Lemon and Hastings? He dyes his goatee and is made to feel unwanted by a miserable cooper (Grint).

Time has damaged Poirot's standing as the snotty cooper sneers. The cooper ignores the immediate threat. Poirot has faded from common memory. He's not universally adored anymore. Cust does sinister dealings. A loon threatens chaos. Japp done fall down. The cooper has deliberate ingatitude. The loon has an adversarial realtionship with Poirot and causes a situation. This tries for urgency, heft and edge.

Various people gaze thoughtfully into the distance. The loon heads for an empty destiny. This was uncreative and had no boundless imagination. The baddie is an aimless void. Poirot broods on how he used to be a shared national memory. Japp dies. There is human despair and the cooper is idiotic and brings up murder parties and big houses and how Poirot is not much noticed now and how he has no prescribed role.

Time has soured Poirot's reputation. Transient social conditions mean on some level, somewhere he will never look or admit to, he lives in a special hell of his own making. Malkovich dials down his manic intensity. The baddie is not deliciously conniving. A Mrs Asher is murdered. Everything looks puke coloured. People have a confrontational response to Poirot. People are wretchedly selfish.

There is no ethical landscape. 1933 seems almost too horrible. Meanwhile obvious victim Betty is a scurrilious slut who is a vagina on legs and always showing off her stockings. TPTB have an implict reprimand for her. Poirot is made to feel like an outcast. No argument or entreaty of Poirot's can reach the coopers. Betty is to blame for the aggression she eventually receives. Betty is hated by all the world and ends up dead. She worked at the Ginger Cat Cafe where Poirot was in 1921. Are the crimes connected to him? Fat Megan is Betty's unloved sister.

Meanwhile a slutty secretary is hated by an angry wife who she plots to replace. A fat bastard lurks. The dying wife is mocked by the bitchy secretary. The cooper accuses Poirot of lying about his past. Poirot brings up WW1. This was okay.

Best Lines:

“Some mad bloke.”

“Like talking to a plate.”

“This bloke's off his crust.”

“Nasty cruel people.”

“I will be feared.”

“Roll back the time to when you were a famous detective.”

“When you were wanted.”

“Piss off froggy.”

“The front door is bolted at 10 o'clock sharp.”

“The privvy's in the yard.”

“Cavorting with the gentry.”

“A dog running off with some laundry.”

“Threw his dentures at her.”

“Shilling for ordinary.”


“Questions were asked about you.”

“I don't pay for things. Men give them to me.”

“You dozy bastard!”

“She can't wait for me to be dead!”

“Don't make any more day-trips to crime scenes.”

The Dead Room (2018)

Simon Callow stars in this BBC4 ghost story for Christmas. It is not imbued with horror or unpredictability. It has no legendary scariness or compelling reason to exist. Narrative expectations are not met. Callow bellows about a dead boy and an actor of infamous memory. Someone may be seeking an opportunity of vengeance from beyond the grave but you don't care. What is horrifying is the fact that the unspeaking cleaning lady is played by the lead actress from 'Bouquet Of Barbed Wire' who has aged very badly.

Best Lines:

“Everything has to be built on something.”

“The bad thing.”

War Of The Worlds 1x07-1x09

Goliath Is My Name

Aliens watch tv. People dress like the Blues Brothers. There is no awe-struck enthusiasm or poignancy. Idiot college students LARP. This was an irrelevance that treats sense with complete disregard. There is bad acting and no culture or thought or rational thought. Harrison has no compassion or respect.

Harrison is in an almost constant rage. There are no ominious feelings. Aliens are impatient and aggressive. Suzanne babbles about toxins. This was really bad. I just don't care. Nobody cares about morality or consequences. This show has significant problems. There is no collaborative action plan. Ironhorse blasts aliens with an uzi. There was no moral courage in this disllusioning ep.

Best Lines:


“What's the problem?”

“You are.”

To Heal The Leper

Ann Robinson and Kim Coates guest star. The alien need brains. This was illogical.

Best Lines:

“A most prophetic observation.”


“Why not a satanic cult?”

“Had to take her crayons away.”

The Good Samaritan

Alex Cord guest stars and this ep climaxes with the alien (Cord) or rather a dummy pretending to be Cord plunging off a roof whilst screeching: "To Life Immortal!". This had no social relevancy and was stupendously awful. Suzanne is unpleasantly shrill and aliens work in a diner and poison people. Cord overacts and plots to kill people with poisoned grain. The gang steadfastly resist the aliens with unearned comradery. This has no grace or resonance.

Z Nation 5x12

At All Costs

Piss off George, TPTB's obsession with her has made this season deeply awful. Remember how Murphy was reconceived as a threat? Neither do TPTB. No wonder this show was axed. Where did everyone vanish to in season 4? Was that ever explained? This was tediously slow. People lead talkers to attack humans. Pandora was shown early on to be in charge, but now she's not? FFS! What is TPTB's obsession with George and Dante?

There is disapproving muttering and latent violence and Pandora (Lydia Hearst) tantrums. 10k and Doc get no attemtion. The US is endlessly cursed. This was not genuinely impressive and it had no curdled dread. It was not heartbreaking or increasingly interesting. There is no dark suprise and there is bitterness and violence and a zombie gimp. There is bad acting and poor Sun Mei is made into a zombie and dies. Cipher characters are moved into place by an all-knowing hand. Sun Mei found a cure. Sigh.

Best Line:

“He wasn't a person.”

The Invaders 2x16&2x17

Task Force

A media empire calls in David Vincent. This was genuinely awful and has no relatable or compelling characters. Potentially nasty ideas are not explored. This had no authenticity, weight or legitmacy. DV's only solace is to yell. There is no emotional punch as all dark implications are ignored.

DV is a patently insane annoying jackass. This ep is a complete disaster. It was unimaginative and ineffective. Aliens do wrathful actions. There is no emotional intent. The aliens don't command fear. The aliens try for meance and homicidal rage. This was not done with tremendous conviction or genuine purpose. A woman with badly applied lip-liner is seen in extreme close-up. At no point is there actual competency. There is no intensity or drama in this utter ineptitude.

Best Line:

“Are you being masterful Bob?”

The Possessed

David Vincent's stark warning is ignored and there is hubris and greed and tumult and short-term selfish thinking. There is no meaningful improvement with this ep which is a shambles. There is not much to please viewers here. A woman is patronised and there is no intense excitment. This does not brilliantly invoke a creeping sense of foreboding.

This was horrible and tonally misconceived. DV insists on the non-negotibility of his objective truth. DV spews sentimental guff about questionable behaviour. This ep was a waste of time and effort. This was not not fantastically dark. Aliens have misanthrophy and cruelty. There are perverse conventions and lunatic strictures.

DV has no effective influence. This ep was malodorous and DV is petulant and distainful. This was inadequate and there are no bitter tensions. Men are bellicose and there is no solemn bearing. There are no lamentations and no sancity of alliances. There is just hypocrisy and opportunism. This was not a stalwart effort.

There is bad acting and this fails in its central purpose. Aliens do continued harm. DV is irksome Aliens control a man's mind with what looks like a fan. Suspicions are exacerbated. Alien victory seems inevitable. DV urges a woman to stay with a man who nearly killed her. There is deep gloom as DV tries to counteract the aliens who target opinion formers. This was tedious. Aliens cause disarray. This ep was quite unnecessary. Aliens are a disorderly rabble. This was irritating, incompetent and incomprenhensible

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: This Is Spinal Tap+Marilyn: The Last Sessions+The Simone Biles Story+ 2 others

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

This alleged 'classic' has sterility and is sluggish. It is gruelling and portentous and it has unearned seriousness and it is witless. This was absurd and it was heavy with self importance and it is so so dismal. This was incredibly generic and yet Ozzy Osbourne said this was a worryingly accurate portrayal. This was sublimely stupid and woefully weak.

Best Lines:

“Died in a bizarre gardening accident.”

“Can't prove who's vomit it was.”

“Get out of the 60s.”

Marilyn: The Last Sessions (2008)

This documentary about the alcholic junkie who couldn't sing or act continues the bizarre obsession with the 'icon'. This was pretentious and talky and showcases only how Norma Jean loved to play the victim.

Best Lines:

“I'd like him to love me.”

“Actress of sex.”

“Sold what she could to whoever wanted it.”

“Provokved people to mistreat her.”

The Simone Biles Story: Courage To Soar (2018)

This bio-pic is so worthy and dull.

Best Lines:

“The chicken police.”

“It almost never happened.”

“She shouldn't be able to do that.”

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2010)

There is mumbling and a snotty kid in this terrible unwanted sequel to a terrible remake of a Spanish horror film. One is not massively enthusiastic about this sequel. A plane with sick people lands at a quarantined airport. There are rats, bad acting, blood and a cat. The baddie is awful and people try to shoot the poor cat because they claim it is infected. In the best part of the movie: the cat lives and got out of the airport. YAY!

Best Line:

“Earth could use a good plague.”

Night Of The Living Dead (1990)

Tony Todd waves a crowbar and Patricia Tallman of 'Babylon 5' proves she is a better stuntwoman than actress in this remake. Barbara (Tallman) says they should just walk right past the shuffling zombies. No one ever uses the term zombie. They yell and make noise and attract more zombies. They could have just WALKED out and been rescued like Babs was. This was okay.

Best Lines:

“A way out is a way in!”

“Organisms from space.”

“Behavioural disorders.”

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