December 24th, 2018


Trailers, Quotes & Stuff

'Gotham' season 5 promo
Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Bane and this looks okay.

Best Line:
"Shut up and die."

'Doom Patrol' teaser


'The Crimson Rivers' promo

This French tv show has sects, cults and murders. Looks good.

Caramel & Cornish Sea Salt Butter Fudge – yum.

Apricot, Gin & Ginger chutney – tastes like marmalade.

Hot 'n spicey cheddar – okay.

What is seam allowance?

What is meat mousse?

Who saw 'Jumpin' Jack Flash', 'Renaissance Man', 'The Preacher's Wife', 'The Black Stallion', 'Days Of Heaven', 'Fiddler On The Roof', 'Friends With Money', 'Full Metal Jacket', 'Hellboy', 'Milk', 'Misery', 'The Secret Garden', 'Cannonball Run II', 'Babylon AD', 'Aladdin', 'Watership Down', 'Nashville', 'Superbad', 'It's A Knockout' or 'Network'?

I won't read 'Sweetheart, Sweetheart'.

'Hard Sun' axed. Yay!

'The Irish Times' Quotes:

“Static guarding service.”

“Stop being so useless.”



“She correctly feared might kill her.”

“Lived on my willpower.”

“You need to prove that Australia needs you.”

“If there is a system and everyone abides by that system.”

“The rules of the game have changed over the years to make it faster and look better on television.”

“Evokes precious memories.”

“Cannot sing in the first place.”


“No interest in blending in with the culture.”

“Consciously and effortfully instill values in their childrern.”

“Want a church that is not accommodationist.”

“Must make some kind of self-created masterpiece of their lives.”

“Omitting the less desirable parts of those times.”

“Mean and common.”

“On-set conflict.”

“Threats from their own families.”

“From watching or being near the home.”

“Threatening me on a regular basis.”

“Constant state of fear around him.”

“Introduced to them only in death.”

“Memorable vulgarity.”

“Bullying and regrets that goes on for years.”

“Darkness lurking at the doorstep.”

“Exceptional cultural reputation.”

“Cultural education.”

“Fan culture.”

“The mentality of the 1980s is no longer part of our consciousness.”

“Impose the structure of one culture upon another.”

'Dr Phil' Quotes:

“Support her lingere modelling career.”

“Guilt induction.”

'TheCut' Quotes:

“What are you willing to risk?”

“Mall goths.”

'The Innocent Man' Quote:

“Distraughted me.”

'RTE News' Quotes:

High risk driving group.”

“The known history.”

'FTWeekend' Quotes:

“I was convinced her father was actually planning to shoot me.”


“View newcomers as stealing a share of their riches.”

“Unpaid labour.”

“Overdriven working culture.”

“Epic mastery.”

“A yeanring for a state of rest.”

“Provide them with the pride and pleasure they couldn't find.”

“Remorse and apology.”


“Glisten with butter.”

“Public anger exploded.”

“Ladies skip and shreek.”

“Invites society's biggest winners to tell the rest what they are doing wrong.”

“Stripping them of independence.”

“Hearty masculine bonhomie indigenous to steakhouses.”

“Storm of outrage.”


“Hurt that his work was not blacklisted.”

“Collateral damage to a great man's rise and fall.”

“Promotion of traditonal values.”

“His 10 cats would follow him to the service, where he excommunicated one of them for catching a mouse on a sunday.”

“This is very clearly bat urine.”

“Started licking the floor,”

“Homage paying.”

“Of their past, they are silent.”

“Cliche of working-class drama.”

“A cosy cardigan in human form.”

'Victoria & Albert: The Royal Wedding' Quotes:

“Boned out.”

“That's illegal in modern Britian.”

'Father Ted' Quotes:



'Susan Powell: An ID Murder Mystery' Quotes:

“Who needs thousands of pounds of wheat?”

“Whose pancake remnant that was.”

“Beyond repair.”

“Use the enmity to their advantage.”

“Honk and wave.”


'Sky News' Quote:

“Scabrous whores.”

'Cats And Dogs' Quote:

“Stealth poo.”

'The Sunday Times' Quotes:

“Courts of last resort.”

“Big-ticket shows.”

“Hair rock.”

“The stuff I get is FBI agent, CIA agent, period stuff or women who commit suicide.”

“Unfeasible dreams.”

“Regarded locally as an offence in itself and punishable by reprisals.”

“Never discussed the matter again.”

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Scary Books

I Miss You

September 2009-14 December 2018

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To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: Bird Box + The Arrival + A Christmas Horror Story + Spiders 3D + Dad's Army

Bird Box (2018)

Sandra Bullock stars in this adaptation of the Josh Malerman novel. Split between the past and the present this tells of how in the now Malorie (Bullock) yells at her kids and calls them Boy and Girl and takes them out of a very clean house along with some parakeets in a box to a very convienient boat. She plans to row this rowboat down a river, blindfolded, to some vague place of safety. There are skeletons around the house and flashbacks to 5 years ago explain how they all got into this sitch.

Malorie and her sister Jessica (Sarah Paulson) are driving around in Jessica's wood-panelled car when mass madness breaks out. Some unknown meancing threat destroys civilization and Malorie has to supress emotion and sympathy to surivie. This (mostly) has glowing notices. What did the people who went mad and killed themselves see? Why is Jessica dressed like it is the 1970s Mass panic breaks out and Malorie ends up in a house with John Malkowich and others.

A woman dies, Malkovich waves a big gun and how did they all get into the house? Malorie is sad over a poor horse. There is a mention of mythology. What is out there? Where did all the other panicked people on the street go? How do they pee while travelling down the river for hours? Why do they sleep without blindfolds? Where did Malorie get the dead mice the parakeets are eating? Dead bodies suddenly appear outside the house. Malorie waves a gun, fellow pregnant survivor Olympia acts like an idiot. How is the toilet wokring in the house? What is the loo roll situation?

Douglas (Malkovich) acts like an ass, Malorie likes Tom and some dude sees something on CCTV and goes nuts. There is a jab at 'The Maze Runner'. What casts shadows ominiously agaisnt covered windows? There is increasing concern and they manage their interaction, at first. Do the things causing all this know the huge repercussions they have unleashed? Olympia is assiduously pleasant. Malorie has unresolved trauma.

The degree of not right grows as something sinisterly stalks out there. Douglas has seething anger. The factive members try to live in a functional, ethical, positive way. Malorie somehow got the parakeets in a supermarket during a foodrun. There is a Trump joke. You see the creatures to your detriment. Is it Douglas' house? It isn't really clear, he dislikes strangers being given the run of his house. Where did Malorie get the handgun she wields on the river as well as her endless supply of ammo? Who is the nutter who Malorie encounters on the river?

Why do the parakeets freak out if the things are near? They managed with one looting run? Where are the kids whilst Malorie is being attacked? Where did she get a machete? Poor conspriracy nut Charlie sacrificed himself. Pregnancy is imposed vulnerability. Douglas advocates survival. The gang don't build closeness. Why did Tom drive Douglas' car on the looting run? What did the GPS detect outside the car? What set off the proximity sensors?

How did they get all the stuff into the car on the looting run? Felix (the Machine Gun kelly lookalike) and Lucy stole the car and ran off. What became of them? How did they paper the windows of the house? Why did Felix and Lucy steal the car? Doesn't Malorie get tried from hours of rowing after living in a house for 5 years with no exercise? Where did she get the guideline dispenser? Was that a ruined hospital Malorie explored on the river? Her kids are stupid.

Malorie looks botoxed. There are bodies and reckless gun usage. How did Malorie run past Girl unnoticed? Malorie screeches hysterically. This was VERY different to the book but it was good and desolate if not scary. Why was this dumped to Netflix along with 'Annihilation'?

Best Lines:

“I will hurt you.”

“Exhibiting psychotic behaviour.”

“Nothing more that we need from it.”

“Unexplained mass suicides.”

“Soccer moms fighting over bottled water.”

“Why should I leave? I have you to get me groceries.”

“No judgments here.”

“Until whatever this is, isn't.”

“Open the door!”


“Classic bio-warfare signature.”

“Not a chance.”

“We're never getting out of here!”

“No one's coming for us.”

“To call me a creep would be an affront to creeps.”

“The assholes and the dead.”

"I've seen one! I've seen the truth!"

"Everyone must look!"

"No help coming."

"An interesting childhood."

"It's just the curb."

"What's behind there?"


"And after all this, we're supposed to get out?"


The Arrival (1996)

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Crouse star in this inept tale of a radio astronomer (Sheen!) who picks up signals proving the existence of extraterrestrial life. Ron Silver and Teri Polo and Richard Schiff co-star in this mess. Sheen has a beard and wears a sweater vest to convince people he went to college. He has a nagging woman who he is controling of and/or ignores. He also has severe anger issues.

There is mumbling and people don't listen. Sheen gets his shirt off, has passive aggressive rage and overacts and shouts. There is an unsettling development and Sheen's anger escalates. The whole concept of the beguiling siren call of aliens is ignored in this woeful film. Sheen hooks up HUGE satellite dishes. He goes from radio astronomer to cable installer. A smartass kid just shows up and becomes his sidekick.

Global warming is a plot point in this loud and incoherent film that has bad VFX. Aliens pretend to be humans. This was decidely dodgy and Sheen has no concept of dark self-doubt. Sheen has an awful burden. This film was a dreadful mistake. The kid is an alien, like duh. This was dire and truly terrible.

Best Lines:


“Non-random, non-Earth based.”

“Possibility of extra-solar life.”

“Beings from beyond the solar system.”

“None of you deserve to live here.”

“One little guy with a big conspiracy theory.”


A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

William Shatner stars in this festive horror movie. This tale of a murdeorus Santa and a ghost and a Krampus and a fairy child is unrelenting frivolity and narcissim which is just a cretinous whinge-fest.

Best Line:

“Hunter of the wicked.”


Spiders 3D (2013)

Patrick Muldoon stars in this dreck which is not gripping or susupenseful and lacks emotional impact. Muldoon is fat and old and this is not atmospheric and nobody has vigilance. An 80s satellite crashes into a subway and this does not leave you completely transfixed. There is no ethical approach. Some woman has bad lip fillers. This is not invigorating as pivots of fortune take place.

There is no moral condition as killer spiders attack. Muldoon has a bitchy ex-wife. There is no mounting horror and no commendable fierceness. This was not compelling just frenzied and disordered. There is no memorable realisitc detail just inane plotting and bad acting in this bilious mess. This was pretty miserabale and lacked pervasive and insidious bleakness. This was meandering and had phones from the 90s. A huge spider alien wanders around the city.

There are evil intentions in this eternal mediocrity. Muldoon is resistant to authority. Muldoon hates any infringement of his personal dignity. A giant spider attacks and it's as much fun as it sounds until it definietly isn't. Scientists, the military and Russians are negatively sterotyped, was this done deliberetly badly? How did a giant spider get into a toy store? Muldoon has no capacity for self-regulation or acting. There is scant respone to a giant spider.

Best Lines:

“What's that crap inside of his body?”

“Step away.”


Dad's Army (2016)

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Bill Nighy star in this take on the 'classic' sitcom which has homages to the original. It is 1944 and the Home Guard are infiltrated by a Nazi spy (Zeta-Jones). Stupid men drool over the spy. This was not needed.

Best Line:

“The jackboot will not tread upon this hallowed land.”

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Book Review: Cthulhu 2000, part 3

Cthulhu 2000, edited by Jim Turner, part 3

The Last Feast Of Harlequin

By Thomas Ligotti. This dour tale of clowns has no creative will or escalating sense of unease.

The Shadow On The Doorstep

This purple-prosed tale is about a man with emotional dysregulation. This has no brutal moments and it does not affect you profoundly.

Lord Of The Land

By Gene Wolf. This inessential tale is about Egyptian horrors lurking in hayseed country, or soemthing. One reacts with disbelief that this was considered necessary.

The Face At Pine Dunes

By Ramsey Campbell. This is a not very good tale of Lovecratian horrors in a derelict seaside resort town.

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Kylo Ren

The X Files 11x02-11x04+The Invaders 2x13+Law & Order SVU 20x05+War Of The Worlds 1x06 Reviewed


One of The Lone Gunmen makes contact with Mulder and Scully depsite being you know dead. There is a murder attempt on the duo. The Lone Gunmen met their rubbish demise 16 years ago. They were buried in Arlington? Skinner refuses to help Mulder and Scully because he is an ass. I've no idea what is going on. Mulder visits Deep Throat's grave. There is fear and recrimination. This ep was not critically adored.

Why are Mulder and Scully suddenly wanted for arrest by a private security contractor? There are adverse events and internet cafes still exist. There is mumbling, a Mueller mention and the duo are shocked that the X Files were digitised. Mulder and Scully have crisis surivival skills. Skinner must flip a coin daily to decide if Mulder and Scully are deemed worthy of his patronage. 2 people die and what do Mulder and Scully do? Nothing. Sandrine Holt of 'The Crossing' guest stars.

I've no idea what is going on. Mulder has dogged determinaiton to annoy. Why was that Lone Gunman chosen to be preserved? He's aged and looks like the guy who was fired from 'Transparent'. The cabal claim organisation and a sense of unified beliefs and objectives where none probably exist. There is coiled resentment and this was sluggish. Mulder ignores the nagging family tensions of his crazy bio-dad and unwanted half-brother.

There is resentful obligation. Evil asserts itself implacably. This was objectively useful. There is an unremitting flow of noise. Mulder has passionate dedication and resentful distain. The cabal/company wants to upload humanity into AI. There is no positive commitment. Quality cannot be obtained. This was creepy aimlessness. Mulder hints he and Scully do BDSM. Mulder carries on his inexorable, inexplicable, compulsive, unstoppbale desire. The discourse is not reframed. There are questions about the present and intentions. Mulder and Scully have no concept of a backup.

Best Lines:

“I didn't know his real name til right now.”

“Everything we feared came to pass. How the hell did that happen?”

“A graveyard he didn't even know he was going to be buried in.”

“Skanky bar.”

“Hannibal Lecter level psycho.”

Plus One

People are haunted by evil doppelgangers. Didn't they already do this plot? Mulder and Scully are back at work. There are civil disturbances and no shared morals. There is mainipulative behaviour and people have creepy experiences and a malign force is loose. This is not a profound masterpiece or defiantly weird or impressively serious. There is no bleak reality.

This is not fraught with emotions or dramatic values. I wish TPTB would bring Jim Rose back. This ep was maddeningly dumb. A dude acts reprehensibly. There is no oceanic ambition. Mulder has benign sternness. This was catastophically wrong and ferociously catastrophic. The irrefutable truth is this show is done. A dude has incompetence and vindictiveness. This is a non-compelling calamity. Baddies bristle with intent and pettiness. This was indefensibly awful.

Best Lines:


“Some evil in the air.”

“Dark influence.”

“My sister's a miserable slut.”

“Too stupid to make it up.”

“Tell it to the hand G-Man!”

The Lost Art Of Forehead Sweat

This was funny if not stark or bleak as TPTB quesion the relevance of a 90s show in today's political climate. This has no eerie relevance. Someone revives Mulder's old window signal. Mulder dresses in camo. There are no universal norms of civil, moral, tolerant, rule-following.This was not slapdash. Mulder has earnestness in this nonsense which was good.

This has comedy and ingenuity. A man goes on about a tv show ep and we get a flashback to little Mulder. Scully talks about cherry Goop-o. Mulder goes through his videotape collection. They are told they have forgotten things. Where are Lauren Ambrose and Robbie Amell? There are Trump jokes and did reality really change? There is bluster and gusto and Mulder talks about a forgotten movie.

There is relentless cynicism and simmering urgency. Fox Mulder has no dignity or respect. A dude has personal unease. People are chillingly informed that maybe their memories and reality have been changed.

Best Lines:

“Do you even know me?”

“Nerd boy.”

“Forms into 3 different layers with 2 different textures all from the same mix?”

“There's no they there!”

“Has a memory of something that isn't shared by the majority or the factual record.”

“Secret rendevouz signal.”

“Poltical shame section.”

“This omnipresent mysterious they to give intentionalality to random events.”

The Captive

David Vincent continues his moral protestations, there is a fake gunshot wound and a lack of real accountability and consequences for the aliens. There is a bleak reality as an alien ends up in the hands of an Eastern Bloc UN delegation. Fritz Weaver guest stars. DV is at work. HOW? Why isn't he an unemployable bum? DV smokes. Aliens have no blood and this has no regality and is a morass of medicore.

The alien disdainfully appraise DV. A communist mentions god and talks about a collective farm. DV has stinging frustration and stinging reprimands as Cold War realities unfold. People outline their dissatisfaction. Pure oxygen is fatal to the aliens? There is a lack of any practicular consequences. There is interference with DV's efforts to get on with his life. DV attacks another woman. The unravelling of DV's reputation goes on. This was terrible, absolutely terrible.

The imminence of the threat isn't. No one lamented this show's passing. DV is an idiot who lives a dissolute life. DV urges a woman to defect, she won't – she wants to warn her poeple. Something that didn't even occur to DV. Sigh.

Best Lines;

“Who's us?”

“What are you?”

“We've been briefed on you people.”

“Regardless of any consequnces.”

“Outer space people.”

“Yawned in my face.”

“Not from this Earth.”

“What is he then?”


Sebastain Roche stars as a cult leader who pretends to run a women's empowerment group whilst controlling and brainwashing its members. This was based on a true story. This was sleazy.

Best Lines:

“Which bar?”

“A lot of them.”

The Second Seal

The team try to find the records of the 1953 invasion. Greg Morris guest stars. Harrison acts like an ass and orders Ironhorse to get him a pizza. Suzanne whines and there is sexual harrassement and guns and Ironhorse being injured. This was Just Say No dreck.

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