December 4th, 2018

Pretty Smart

Vampironica 4 Reviewed

I missed issue 3. The art has changed and is ugly. Veronica is a vampire and Cheryl is accusatory and thinks it’s all an attempt at attention-seeking. Reggie lurks and Jughead is bothered by a vampire Moose. A vampire is pushed into a swimming pool full of holy water and then people get into said pool. Ick. There is no ready wit, just a giant spider. Reality is fractured, luckless teens are in peril and they are not particularly upset by vampires. They have no grief reactions; they remain indifferent and are not wrought with grief or panic. This doesn’t linger in the memory and is blithely unconcerned with logic. This was okay.
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Book Review: The Haunting Of Drearcliff Grange School

The Haunting Of Drearcliff Grange School by Kim Newman
This sequel to ‘The Secrets Of Drearcliff Grange School’ is an utterly appalling horror that is woefully wrong and not dazzlingly original or splendidly dramatic.

Best Lines:
“School wrong ‘un.”

“Terrible girls.”

“Persistent enough to come back time and again. Never quite defeated - even if shoved over a waterfall. If an arch-nemesis went to jail for a long time or died, their grudges were inherited by disciples or children or strangers who picked up their names and masks.”
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Kylo Ren

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Elseworlds’ promo

‘Captain Marvel’ trailer
She’s a Kree? A cat! Aww.

‘The Magicians’ season 4

‘Star Trek Discovery’ season 2 promo
Spock smiles?

I want an Assal X J Hunter pearls, a white gold, diamond and pearl necklace, John Lewis and Partners coupe glasses and a Gucci headband and an Esme crystal barrette, a crystal hairslide and a crystal bow comb.

What are waffle fries?

Amuse gueules.

Who saw ‘The Right Stuff’, ’Wyatt Earp’, ’Bad Taste’, ’Santa Claus: The Movie’, ‘The Big Easy’, ’Girls Don’t Cry’, ’Kids’, ’Anna And The King’, ’Chicago’, ’Falling Down’, ’Casino’, ’Krull’, ’Thoroughly Modern Millie’, ’The War At Home’, ’Prince Of Tides’, ’Body Of Evidence’, ’The Mod Squad’ or ‘Great Balls Of Fire’?

I’d try fried cheese, a ginger milk ice-cream, chocolate & Christmas pudding parfait, beer BBQ sauce, tomato gravy, Creole mustard, red chilli mayo, Italian chow mein and The Bone In The Stone.

There’s chocolate salami?

‘Man V Food’ Quotes:
“Doomsday meat parade.”

“Meat candy.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Street disorder.”

“Rather than a message he should heed.”

“Hold him responsible for the crisis.”

‘South Park’ Quote:
“Real guitars are for old people!”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Trustworthy/untrustworthy look.”

“The life they will never live.”

“The fate of whom no one knows-”

“Struggling smokestack industries.”

“Industrial blight.”

“Won this country’s wars.”

“You don’t go missing in Copenhagen.”

“Throwing hammers.”

“Completes a neighbourhood.”

“Bumpkin cousin.”

“Went to war with the state.”

“Nearr total reliance on family.”

“Initiated member.”

“Nothing to draw attention.”

“Clan feuds.”

“Any alternative authority that could not be corrupted.”

“Beaten just for stepping out of the house alone.”

“Willingly ate kale.”

“I have been erased from other people’s lives, just by not being present.”

“Cultural tenacity.”

“Every tree was an enemy.”

“Landscape of devastation.”

“Conservation concern.”

“Disables snare lines.”

“We don’t confront, we explain.”

“Wants us out of his life.”

“Celebrated the fact that I was reacting.”

“Feminocentric domesticity.”

“Seasoning the water properly.”

“Peel, chop and parboil anything peel able, choppable and parboilable.”

“Ovens often struggle when they’re rammed.”

“Christmas dinner is only a normal Sunday roast with delusions of grandeur.”

“Spoke never a word to each other.”

“Elaborate screen worlds that don’t exist.”

“War has destroyed most of civilisation (as they often do).”

“Men I’d known all my life ignored me on the street.”

“True love and preferred wife.”

“Erstwhile soulmate.”

“Pub persona.”

“Convinced of his own genius.”

“Car-park sport.”

“Happiness spells danger.”

“Fan-forward viewing experience.”


‘Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives’ Quote:
“Heaven on a stick.”

‘Man Finds Food’ Quotes:
“I would eat that on shoe!”

“Very ‘Jurassic Park’ vibe.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Still embedded in the functions and infrastructure of the state.”

“Does not leave them in a position to be trusted.”

“Shoved outside of society, away from family, banished from communities.”

“Seemed headed for history.”

“Misread the anger and frustration of voters.”

“Refuse to be discarded.”

“To be at the centre of the public scene and debate.”

“Unable to hold themselves accountable.”

“Pathological need to be relevant.”

“20 yellow vests sat in a circle to protect the flame of The Unknown Solider.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Tried pushing me into the oven.”

“Seed of satan.”

“Can’t bring him back into the house.”

“He’ll eat vomit.”

“Threw a rock at your head.”

“Attention black hole.”

“Impactful experiences.”

“Co-exist with him.”

“If you’re a golddigger, you’re not a very good one.”

“Marital dissolution.”

‘Tales From The Darkside’ Quote:
“You on drugs son?”

Scary Books

Castle Rock 1x04+Babylon 2x04&2x05+Doctor Who 11x09+The Invaders 1x15+Supergirl 4x07 Reviewed

The Box
This was not powerfully good as the kid is freaky. Castle Rock is thick with whispers and nobody has absolute morals. Henry plans to put his mother in elder care and he has chagrin and he does a campaign of harassment against Alan. Castle Rock is mournful, odd and unsettling. Menace is not imagined. Nobody has moral stability. Henry has self-centred recklessness and a strategy of threat. There are imponderables and no moral principles.

Nobody is resolutely moral. Henry is often confrontational and implacably opposed to Alan. There is no moral health. Henry has no abrasive charm. Things are disconcerting, heavy with portent and there’s a mood of darkening conspiracy. Henry is driven by anger and emotional turmoil. Decisions are not based around logic in this unsplendid ep. Molly is a bad person to a near pathological level.

Henry is deliberately difficult. There is inept arrogance and this ep is frequently unrewarding. People brand each other as liars and are joy destroying trolls. The kid is especially malevolent as he ruins the nice guard who was trying to help him. There is a melancholy tone, deep bitterness and people should be apprehensive around the kid but aren’t. To their cost. There is no complexity. Henry demeans Alan and inevitability casts judgement and feels morally justified in the choices he is making. The kid is mysterious, enigmatic and comfortless.

There are melodramatic devices but no quiet intensity. Sense goes out the window. Henry is ostracised as persona non grata. There is no compelling tension or sufficient verve just spite and stupidity. Henry has loudly voiced contempt. This ep is an endurance test as it feels histrionic and stagy with no disciplined storytelling. This is preposterous mordant melodrama.

Henry is gimlet-eyed and relentlessly self-satisfied. There is not psychologically intensity and tragic levels of self-involvement. There is
no masterful storytelling. Henry’s reputation is fatally tarnished and there is chicanery that is proudly daft. There is no gripping narrative arc. This is contrived and preposterous and tediously generic. Molly has a cloud of anxiety. The kid has evil purpose. Why does Henry act as Alan’s arch-nemesis?

Henry meets a weirdo. Molly lies, Alan’s grim gentility finally cracks, Henry stirs up resentment and there is death. Oh the poor nice guard.

Best Lines:
“Fed him his own teeth.”

“Bad people know they’re safe here.”

“My husband’s mother’s dead.”
“Thank god.”

“A lot of history in this town. Not all of it good.”

“A serial strangler died in my house.”

“Parking lot for halfwits.”

A Distant Star
Sheridan laughs as his explorer class ship commander friend (Russ Tamblyn of ‘Twin Peaks’) shows up. There is dated VFX. Delenn and her offensive change prances. Screw her and her selective imparting of facts. She annoys. There is bad acting and Franklin is boring. President Clark chose Sheridan to command B5. People talk about things living in hyperspace.

There is no fascinating level of discourse. Sheridan has smug certainty about his own virtue. Ivanova has demure compliance to Sheridan. Delenn faces grievances and takes righteous delight in herself. Where were Sheridan’s friend and the Cortez during the break with Earth? This ep has not much wider significance. Sheridan has no real ideology and his long-cherished dream was to command a starship not a station.

Powerful aggressors are out there. Ivanova sulks and makes fat jokes. FFS! Nobody is ferociously charismatic. The Cortez becomes lost in hyperspace. This was not engaging and Sheridan is not endearingly humble, just patronising and he stirs up resentment. This was not profoundly insightful. There are expositional monologues and this was twee. Delenn annoys with unseemly abandon.

Sheridan orders a dangerous search for the Cortez; his militant patriarchlisation would only increase later on. Sheridan and Ivanova are mean-spirited. TPTB are not weaving a plotline. This was dishearteningly stupid and not touchingly intense. A shadowship shows up. Keffer sees it, which would have far reaching consequences for him. Why didn’t the shadowship destroy Keffer’s ship or the Cortez? Why can’t the Cortez, which is an EXPLORER ship, make its own jump gate?!?

Ivanova has poufy hair. This ep was not deeply needed. Keffer wonders what malevolent gods lurk in hyperspace. How does Delenn brush and style her hair with her bone crest in the way? Sheridan is contentious. The acting has a performative quality in this wretchedness. Joshua Cox’s character still doesn’t have a name. Nobody on the Cortez or Keffer has a reaction to escaping the demonic torment of hyperspace.

Best Lines:
“See 2 ships like her in your lifetime.”

“Hated me immediately and unconditionally.”

The Long Dark
The Copernicus, an old human sleeper ship, tumbles into B5 space. Dwight Schultz SCREAMS all his dialogue as a nutter. Apparently there is no mental health care or help for veterans on B5. Sheridan knows everything and delivers all his dialogue smugly. Why do Garibaldi and Ivanova automatically trust him? There is foreshadowing and really dated VFX. There is really bad acting. The woman who was on the sleeper ship doesn’t ask what jumpgates are. Franklin fancies her. There is bad dialogue. The plot of this ep makes no sense. Sheridan is an ass. The characters are awful. Londo ignores all sense. Z’Ha’Dum is discussed. This sucked.

Best Lines:
“Pox upon this station!”

“Early deep range exploration.”

“The forces of darkness do not move openly.”

“When the darkness was defeated long ago, they scattered, hid themselves away in secret places and waited. Now, the dark hand is reaching out. Recalling them from their sleep.”

It Takes You Away
There is no fevered anticipation for this. The Doctor and her companions prance around Norway. The Doctor does joyful carousing. There’s alleged mortal danger and 3 complete non-entities are stripped of career and independence to prance after the Doctor. There is no joyful novelty only dullards and a useless father and attack aliens. This tries to out-weird ‘Blink’ and fails. The Doctor has howling mirth. A kid is annoying and shrieky. This was not well-received.

Best Lines:
“Woolly rebellion.”

“Total re-negotiation of the sheep/human relationship.”

“The thing my dad was defending the house from.”

“Should have just got wifi.”

“Worse things out there than people.”

“She’s furniture with a pulse!”

Wall Of Crystal
There is sexism as a newsman looks into David Vincent. And David Vincent has a brother who is in peril from the aliens. Women are useless and hysterical and David Vincent is awful. As is this ep. Burgess Meredith and Peggy Lipton co-star.

Best Line:
“That man is a psycho!”

Rather The Fallen Angel
Manchester Black is violent, murderous and unrepentant. Lena is stupid. Ben Lockwood plots. Alex and Kara know Manchester Black is a murderer and do nothing. Why is Kara so stupid? I don’t care about Manchester Black’s dead woman. There is moral harassment. Oddly the DEO does not go after the mass murderer Manchester Black thus proving Ben right. This was one big dreadful cliché.

Best Line:
Passed what? Gas?”

Movie Reviews: Hail, Caesar! + Day Of The Dead + 13 Sins + Children Of Men

Hail, Caesar! (2016)
Josh Brolin stars in this unrewardingly convoluted, generic and derivative film. Brolin slaps a woman and George Clooney is dim. There is crazy conniving and nefarious plots. Ralph Fiennes, Scarlett Johansson, Channing Tatum, Christopher Lambert, Clancy Brown, Robert Trebor, David Krumholtz, Robert Picardo, Wayne Knight and Agyness Deyn also star.

Best Lines:
“French postcard situation.”

“The dusty streets of Bethlehem.”

“Writhed under the Roman lash.”

“Divine presence to be shot.”

“Dust actor.”

“Recline with the lyre!”

“With extreme taste!”

“Do I look married?”

“How am I? wet!

“Fit in that fish ass.”

“Strap on a fish ass.”

“Aquatic movies.”

“Haunted by unspoken suspicions.”

“Mirthless chuckle.”

“Emotional climax”

Day Of The Dead (2008)
Mena Suvari, Ving Rhames and AnnaLynne McCord star in this terrible remake. Contentious people are under constant stress from zombies. This is not a sustained sinister remake. There is no long standing consequence as zombies attack. Quality is ultra elusive in this outlandishly ludicrous dispiriting mess.

13 Sins (2014)
A man is harassed by his awful boss (Richard Burgi), his idiot brother and dumbass father. He’s offered money but there is a catch. I DID NOT CARE

Children Of Men (2006)
Okay and has the world's shortest car chase.
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