October 4th, 2018


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Gladiators’ (1995) clip
Wolf gets a yellow card!

‘Gladiators’ clip
Wolf eats the yellow card and spits it out.

Best Line:
“That nasty man!”

‘Titans’ trailer
I will review this. Who hasn't been seen for over a year? Batman or Robin? What happened between Batman and Robin? Dick Grayson is a detective. Robin’s alone and in Detroit. Why isn’t he Nightwing? Raven shows up. Who is the white haired woman? There are flashbacks and Beast and Starfire. Who is the evil woman? Nuns lurk and Robin waves a stick. This looks interesting.

Best Lines:
“I feel danger.”

“The feeling you got left behind.”

‘Halloween’ TV spot

‘Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome’ clip
The ending is sad stuff.

‘Netflix & Chills’ trailer

‘Halloween’ TV spot

‘Blood’ promo

‘The Walking Dead’ promo

Gluten free chicken & bacon Caesar wrap - okay.

Who saw ‘Shark Tale’, ‘Prince Of Egypt’, ‘Flushed Away’, ‘First Daughter’ (2004), ‘Boiler Room’ (2000), ‘Pale Rider’ (1985), ‘Goodbye Mister Tom’ (1998), ‘The Producers’ (2005), ‘The Last Samurai’ (2003), ‘Lethal Weapon’ (1989), ‘Down And Out In Beverly Hills’ (1986), ‘Enough’ (2002), ‘Paint Your Wagon’ (1969), ‘She’s All That’ (1999), ‘Where In The World’, ‘Everybody’s All American’ (1988), ‘Just Visiting’, ‘Kate And Leopald’, ‘Love At First Bite’, ‘Awakenings’, ‘Tough Guys’, ‘Black Knight’, ‘Sleeper’, ‘Iceman‘ (1984), ‘Clan Of The Cave Bear‘ (1986), ‘Bernard And The Genie’, ‘Weird Science’, ‘The Munsters Today’, ‘976-Evil 2’, Delirious’, ‘Cocktail’ (1988), ‘Lost In Austen’, ‘Little Nicky’ (2000), ’Rescue 911’, ’Tek War’, ’Cthulhu Mansion’ (1992) or ‘National Treasure: Book Of Secrets’ (2007)?

I don’t think I’ll read ‘Burnt Offerings’.

I don’t plan to watch ‘The Expanse’.

‘Steve’s Austin Broken Skull Challenge’ is terrible.

‘DenOfGeek’ Quote:
“Not that anyone knew what recycling was in 1992.”

‘Murphy Brown’ Quote:
“How long do your eggs live?”

‘TVNow’ Quotes:
“Still a few faces around the village that remember Kim Tate and not all of them fondly,”

“She left with James after hitting her stepson Chris over the head with a billiard ball and escaping in a helicopter. As you do.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Here’s my currency. It’s attention.”

“Co-occurring disorders.”

“Have my lizard.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Hurried culture.”

“Bad-tempered exchanges.”

“Good intentions of being calm and capable go completely out the window.”

“Children love attention.”

“Giving choices.”

“Positive about my choices.”

“Boyfriend was a work-shy layabout, who was living off my earnings.”

“Her chosen path.”

“More conscious of their own well-being than that of their friends.”

“Unnecessarily point out your flaws.”

“Overly critical for no good reason.”


“Don’t support your life goals.”

“Megathrust earthquake.”

“Removed to places of safety.”

“Inordinate and inexcusable delays.”

“Finger sweep.”

“Conferred immediate and unique knowledge.”

“His problem is entirely self-made.”

“Pitiless pack taunting.”

“Smug privilege.”

“Ground liquefaction.”

“Conveyed a biker image.”

“Muddled marriages.”

“Purposefully socialised.”

“Bellowed, aggrieved, repeated lies.”

“Significance drives memory.”

“Shouty, prissy liberals.”

“Clearly told lies,”

“Sword of justice.”

‘Aertel’ Quote:
“Complete as a man.”

‘RTE News’ Quotes:
“May not be overly concerned about their welfare.”

“Comfort items.”

‘House Of Cards’ Quotes:
“The false deference!”

“Push up bra and v-neck t.”

“I’m better than what they me doing.”

‘Upstart Crow’ Quotes:
“Gooby over-entitled tarting slap.”

“Snotsome teenage grotling.”

“Oikish milking-slap.”

‘The Outcast Comic’ Quote:
“Agents of mischief.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Requiem For A Dream + The Hills Have Eyes + Veronica + Haunter + Piranha Part Two

Requiem For A Dream (2000)
Ellen Burysten and Jared Leto star in this tale of drug addiction. The future Joker (Leto) is a junkie who steals his mother’s TV on a regular basis. Even though she’s chained it to the radiator. His mother (Burystyn) is socially challenged and he has lunatic tendencies and is grimfaced and full of nefarious stupid plans. He is a dreadful failure of a human being.

This is an utterly despairing film full of heartbreaking poignancy. He has a girlfriend Marion (Jennifer Connelly) and a friend (Marlon Wayans). They all do drugs together. The mother is unsupported. What era is this set in? The four people have no calm consistency in their lives. The girlfriend wears blue nail polish and hates her rich family and has deluded dreams.

There is spiralling negativity and negative friendships. The inevitable consequences of their life choices unfold and there is no redemption except possibly for one of them. They have no moral imperative as drugs manipulate their emotions and actions. The girlfriend has feigned vulnerability which soon becomes real. This is bitterly moral and their apparent objectives are delusional. Their bad choices impact upon them significantly.

The mother is addicted to watching a monstrously sleazy infomercial. Gruelling adversity unfolds with macabre fascination as the mother takes diet pills and develops amphetamine psychosis. This has a brutal effect on her. There are destructive social circles all round. This film pulses with negative fever. The girlfriend is sucked into prostitution to get drugs. The heroin addict ignores his mother, his health and his girlfriend. Nobody has good judgement or strength of character.

The son is a complete bastard. There is no deep consideration of mortality. The girlfriend (and her chokers) has been cut off by her parents and they won’t even answer the phone to her so she has no way out of her situation. A drug dealer in a fur coat lurks. The son is defiant and argumentative and has meltdowns. The girlfriend is under the control of her pimp. The son’s arm gets infected and his mother is in a hospital of horrors.

The girlfriend curls up on her sofa with a huge wodge of drugs which are now her only solace. Her dreams literally lie in bits around her. Christopher McDonald, Keith David and Dylan Baker also featured in this film in which nobody has moral obligations and people are worn down by routine.

Best Lines:
“What do they stick in red meat?”

“This is not Madonna.”

“It’s from Macys!”

“I don’t know what I’m going to have to do to get it.”

“I didn’t take it out for air.”

“Can you hear me? Can you see me?”
“Okay for work.”

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
In this cult classic, the lucky ones died first. This was written and directed by Wes Craven. A vicious, visceral rivalry breaks out between a regular city family on holiday and a pack of cannibals who live in the desert. The desert isn’t an idyll. Warning prophecies are uttered and this got a near shot by shot remake. This was gloriously unhinged with flinch inducing scenes.

The cannibal clan are excessively aggressive and aggrieved. One of them is played by Michael Berryman. Two male members of the city family wear short shorts. One of them has a porntache. Hideous 70s clothes are worn. The city family are unobservant and their situation is escalated when they ‘crash’ aka drive into a bush. Mom jeans are worn, even by a ‘teenager’. There are flares. The cannibal clan plan wilful and deliberate badness.

The city family laugh about their vicious dog. Then they get assailed on all sides. The youngest daughter is stupid. Her brother is stupider. The cannibals are reflexively hostile. People shrug off violence and abuse. The city family went on holiday with their birds? They didn’t think to keep watch while stranded in a desert at night? How dumb are this family? Why is the night so bright?

Mama cannibal has a dead raccoon on her back. Why don’t people discuss things? The couple ignore their baby. The family are incuriously twits defiantly untouched by logic. They’re so unobservant and stupid they annoy. The cannibals have 70s perms and one has pointy teeth.

The city family have no adaptive strategies. The father dies horribly. Ew. There is no thoughtful nuance. The mother hits a cannibal with a broom. Two people end up shot. The cannibals steal the baby. All this distress was unnecessary. All possibility of compromise has been exhausted.

Women are treated as an irritant. People talk down walkie talkies. Why does Ruby of the cannibal clan have shaved legs? Ruby runs off with the baby. Bones are used as jewellery and interior decoration. Cannibal mom is forgotten about. The baby’s mother Lynne was played by Dee Wallace. It ends on a fade to red as Lynne’s husband kills the last male cannibal. This was good but what’ll happen now?

Best Lines:
“With the regular folks.”

“Marching the National Guard through. See what they find.”

“The silver’s been gone for 40 years.”

“I come back for you later girly!”

“Nobody lives back there?”
“Nobody you’d want to meet.”

“There’ll be hell to pay no.”

“Human French fries!”

“We’re not goddam lost!”

“25 years I’m a cop in the worst god dam precinct in Cleveland.”

“Janitor of the desert.”

“Runaway slut.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“Long enough for him to steal a whore that nobody’s miss, long enough to raise a passel of wild kids, long enough for a devil kid to grow up to be a devil man.”

“Stick your face in my life!”

“You don’t like dog anymore?”

“I like fixing people good.”

Veronica (2017)
This Spanish horror is set in 1991 Madrid. 4 children fend for themselves - their mother is always at work and doesn’t care for them in any sense. The kids are idiots and their mother doesn’t do anything. There is an eclipse and the heroine and two idiot girls use a Ouija board. Where did they get a Ouija board in 1991 Madrid? Things go awry.

Is Veronica possessed? There is a toy snake and weirdness. Veronica’s friends ditch her. There is overblown music and no scares. The heroine’s checked out mother doesn’t care even as weird stuff happens. The heroine could not hit water if she fell out of a boat. This was stupid. Veronica’s utterly useless and her mother has a moral deficiency. There is no undertone of menace.

Best Line:
“The towel smells like chicken.”

Haunter (2013)
In this ‘horror’ a dead girl (Abigail Breslin) and her dead family are stuck in a time loop afterlife tormented by a creepy man. There is inevitably a Ouija board and a dollhouse. The girl and her stupid parents and her brother bore. Her father went mental and murdered them all. This is shrugged off. She can’t leave the house. There are unanticipated occurrences and she communicates with a living girl now living in their house. She faces conscientious obstruction from all.

The creepy man (Stephen McHattie) relentlessly pursues his victims even after death. He’s a serial killer who lived in the house. He’s convinced many fathers to commit violent murderous acts. There is wholesale non-compliance with sense and show-killer David Hewlett shows up in this pathetic attempt at ‘horror’.

Best Lines:
“Your father gets upset sometimes.”

“Contact the living.”

Piranha Part Two - The Spawning (1981)
Lance Henrikesen stars in this James Cameron film. There are perms and 80s fashion and this is utter nonsense and it has no creative whimsy. This was sublimely silly. A diver is bothered by her jackass ex. There is sexism and I’ve never seen part 1 and I don’t plan to. There is sexual harassment and stalking, all of which is tolerated.

Flying piranha plumb greater depths of transgression to the bemusement of untalented actors with 80s hair. This does not allow Cameron’s talents to flourish conspicuously. The angry abusive jerk ex is angry and abusive. This is full of recognisable tropes and character types. This is an era when tolerance of abuse of normalised. This is not a moral universe.

The crazy ex wants to compel his ex to obey him. This is not a venerated film or an esteemed one. The exs have ferocious arguments. This did not make a lasting difference by existing. There are misconceptions and no reckless desperation in this utterly terrible mess.

Best Lines:
“Developed a sort of killer fish.”

“Drowning lessons.”

“Found a leader.”

“Oh Jesus Loretta!”

“Experimental strain of fish.”
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To Light The Way To Bed

Trust 1x04 + Strangers 1x01 + Star Trek 1x10&1x11 + The Magicians 3x03-3x07 Reviewed

That’s All Folks
Italian is babbled as the inept kidnappers try to get someone, anyone to listen to their ransom demands. But no one listens. Paul Sr is awful. Paul hangs out with his kidnappers. The butler and gardener bond. Paul Sr won’t listen. Paul III’s idiot girlfriend could care less. There is trouble. This bored.

Best Lines:
“This is becoming bothersome.”

“Don’t you care?”

Strangers (2018) 1x01
John Simm stars in this ITV drama. An annoying woman dies. Her husband Jonah (Simm) looks sad and then he learns his wife was a lying bigamist and he’s the bit on the side. Her husband of 20 years is oddly accepting of her adultery and death. Jonah doesn’t yet know his wife had a child with her real husband. Jonah bumbles and this bores.

Best Line:
“Do nations exist?”

The Corbomite Manoeuvre
Kirk is shirtless for no good reason. The Enterprise is bothered by an alien ship. Kirk strolls around and yaps about starmaps. McCoy says Kirk needs to eat dietary salad. Rand serves Kirk his salad. Uhura wears yellow. The gang encounter the First Federation. Some navigator throws a strop on the bridge and has a screaming fit. People keep talking about tapes. McCoy aggravates. Kirk is aggrieved. This has no strength or conviction.

This was okay but not searing brilliance. In this ep, McCoy is not a long standing opponent of almost everything Spock stands for. The First Federation tries blunt coercion. Rand makes coffee with a hand phaser off screen. The navigator fell prey to corrosive fear. The First Federation’s searing hostility bored as did the navigator’s emotional issues. Kirk is invincible.

This was trivial and repetitive. The tantrum thrower ends up back at navigation - this tantrum didn’t cost him. Kirk brokers a compromise. Why is Scotty operating the transporter? The ending twist is dumb. The navigator is off-loaded.

Best Lines:
“Entering lethal zone.”

“This is the United Earth Ship Enterprise.”

“Some such beliefs which comfort you.”

“Warn other Earth ships.”

“We grow annoyed at your foolishness.”

“Earth People.”

“Very fortunate Earth Woman.”

“Life sustaining system.”

“By our standards alien life.”

“High sounding words.”

“Phaser weapon.”

The Menagerie Part 1
This is a clip show that reuses footage from the original pilot ‘The Cage’. Captain Pike (played by a new actor who does nothing but stare into the middle distance with his mouth open) has suffered a terrible accident. He’s lost all life-enjoying attributes. Oddly UFP medicine can’t fix him. What is a class j starship? Pike was disabled by Delta Radiation. Why is he called Captain if he was promoted to Admiral?

Spock feels it is morally right to commit an insurrection and give people a very grave reason to be displeased with him. People talk about record tapes. Kirk shouts. Spock violates belief and behavioural systems for Pike for whom happy days would never come again, unless Spock brings him to Talos IV.

Kirk forgave Spock’s career ending betrayal and gross deception. This ep was not suitably melancholy. Just boring. The Pike traumatising event was caused by a ruptured baffle plate. Spock mutinied for nobler intentions. Uhura has on white nail polish. Kirk overacts. There is talk of Talos IV and General Order 7. It’s 13 years since ‘The Cage’? A Starfleet officer and log describes Spock as a "half-Vulcan science officer”.

Spock stole the Enterprise. There is a mention of green animal women and apparently at one point Pike spoke of becoming an Orion trader aka a slaver. How did this show become a cultural icon?

Best Lines:
“The one forbidden world in all the galaxy.”

“Court of space law.”

“Our timewarp factor 7.”

“United Space Ship.”

“No alien problem.”

“The only Earth ship that’s even visited the planet.”

“No one will ever visit Talos IV.”

“Past point of safe return.”

“Spock is finished.”

The Losses Of Magic
Alice returns home with a new kitten. Margo cracks and pirates attack and seagulls report. Penny’s suddenly dying in a hospital. Wasn’t he working in a library? Alice heads home to her dreadful parents and is rampantly paranoid. Julia gets a message. Is Quentin possessed? Not now. Margo is dumb and meets a pirate ‘king’. Kady plans to summon a demon cos she’s a twit. A boat is in peril. This was notoriously awful.

Best Line:
“She used to be dead.”

Be The Penny
Penny’s dead. There is a lot of talking. Penny’s stupid. This ep was stupid.

Best Line:

“Chalky twat.”

“Lots of screaming on both sides.”

A Life In The Day
Kady’s locked up in a nut ward. I could care less. Margo is told to marry. The clock gateway to Fillory is at magic school. Eliot and Quentin end up together. There is timey wimey stuff. Jane Chatwin shows up twice. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“You had a choice back then.”

“Hello there little plot development.”

“We can do hard things.”

“Didn’t you die?”

Do You Like Teeth?
Penny whines. The irritating Felicia Day guest stars. Quentin faces his self-hate. This was devoid of charm, meaning or purpose. The fae are terraforming Fillory. Margo steals Fae embryos. Alice foams at the mouth. Penny is useless and selfish. This was a turd of an ep.

Poached Eggs
Felicia Day hangs around like a stale fart. Penny is just the worst. The poors in Fillory are angry. Oh screw this show.

Best Line:
“Did you enjoy anything at all?”
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