September 27th, 2018


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Creed 2’ trailer
Drago Jnr! Ivan Drago has aged badly. Is Drago’s wife in this?

‘The Bailout’ promo
This looks like a parody.

I hope the Beluga whale in the Thames estuary will be okay.


Who saw ‘Sink The Bismark!’ (1960) or ‘The Girl Next Door’ (2004) or ‘Regarding Henry’ (1991) or ‘I Give It A Year’ or ‘Last Holiday’ or ‘Meridian’ or ‘The Tin Drum’?

Who saw ‘Why Don’t You (Just Switch Off Your Television Set And Go Out And Do Something Less Boring Instead?)’

I won’t read ‘Children of ‘Gla-aki’, ‘I Invited Her In’, ‘Blue World’ or ‘The Dead Of Night’.

‘Upstart Crow’ Quotes:
“Lives Of The Noble Romans.”

“While awaiting the appearance of that shy turtle.”

“Amusingly confused cross-dressers.”

“Front of house prostitutes.”

“Man who wobbles the thunder sheet.”

“Strutty shouty boys.”

“Trouser trumpet.”

“Groaning ditches.”

“Non-sex defined.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“As far from help as you can possibly be.”

“Participants must circumnavigate the globe without GPS, relying solely on sextants, paper maps and the stars.”

“Sanitary checks.”

“Ethical tensions.”

“Smell of eviction in the air.”

“As motivated only by obtaining money through compensation claims.”

“Decline of respect for authority figures.”

“Changes in social mores.”

“No prospect of recovery.”

“Unwanted vowels.”

“Cultural reckoning.”

Dubious sources of money.”

“Never interrupt the enemy when he is making a mistake,”

“Continually misrepresented.”

“Needs to be accountable in some way for the content they produce.”

“Cultural affinity.”

“Insultingly portrayed.”

“Not seen as leadership material because of the way she speaks.”

“Soaps in which men sleep with their brothers’ wives on crack,”

“Went from screechy lower middle class to throatier sub-royal.”

“Relationship escalators.”

“Shouldn’t have to justify their sex lives to judgemental strangers.”

“Resistant to invaders.”

“Hide from view even the soil on which Hitler once trod.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Lost his power though his own egregious sexual conduct.”

“Lamp keeper.”

“Bemoaning Irish diction.”

“True, deep experiential understanding.”

“Illegitimate takeover of the rightful transmission of power.”

“Cultural specialisms.”

“Essentially traditional society.”

“So far failed to convince his peers.”

“Abounds in important unsolved problems.”

“Had not been made welcome.”

‘BBC News’ Quote:
“Product dumping.”

‘RTE News’ Quote:
“Voting intentions.”

‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’ Quotes:
“Done goofed up.”

“I’m a drug lookout and a process server.”

“Scream you drunk mess, scream!”

“You see no dolphin!”

“Darkest chapter of my life.”

“Leaving Christmas lights up way too long.”

“What are you wearing?”
“Kathy Ireland for Family Dollar.”

“What’s chasing them?”

“The answer to that has never been yes.”

“Gives worse change than Obama.”

“Baby weight disasters.”

“I’m proud to be brainwashed.”

“On the Youtube!”

“My mind beach.”

“Spirit biking.”

“Like ‘Days Of Our Lives’ replaces Roman Brady!”

“Birthday cake flavoured water.”

“Getting a room with a roof!”

“Mother of whores!”

“The Jewish thing with the chair.”

“You dumbass bitches!”

“You busted Morpheus.”

“Driver talky box.”

“Subway masturbators.”

“You people are garbage.”

‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ Quotes:
“I’m a producer, I don’t feel anything.”

“Relationships are for the weak.”

“Captain happy.”

“I’ve seen better actors in a puppet show!”

“Just like ‘The Wonder Years’! But with giant snakes!”
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Pretty Smart

4 TV Reviews

Shadowhunters 3x04&3x05

Thy Soul Instructed
Jace is under a demon’s mind control. Valentine’s sins live on after him. Neither Jace nor Clary are reflective as they’re deceptive. An actress fails to enunciate. Luke is disrespected by a monotone actress. Who cares about Simon? He doesn’t have embattled isolation - no matter what people say.

There is ridiculous dialogue and pitiless cruelty. Simon isn’t a despised outsider, just a burdensome bore. Jace and Clary have no erotic tension. Alec thinks Jace is mentally ill. Isn’t Izzy cold walking around NY in a denim bra and a coat made of holes? Jace has passionate language. How do all the vampires know martial arts?

An obviously plastic stake is wielded. A vampire wears a crushed velvet dress. Bane sleazes. People underestimate danger. A vampire is in peril in his pants. There is bad green screen. Vampires are socially dangerous and not intellectually assured. There is dysfunction. The plot is frustratingly unclear. People are deranged. This leaves you dissatisfied.

There is no looming possibility of improvement. Disillusion is stoked. Crimes are covered up. No wonder this show wasn’t hugely popular. It’s full of negative stereotypes. Who is Simon’s dodgy roommate? Jace is frightened and vulnerable. This was not gripping, it was tepid.

Best Lines:
“I’m fine!”
“No you’re not!”

“The worst offence possible.”

“Bleeder den.”

“Shadowhunters don’t date mundane.”

“Delinquent bloodsucker.”

“Who is the owl demon?”

“The cells are no longer mundane.”

“I rose from the dead, I can find an apartment.”

Stronger Than Heaven
Kyle the dodgy roommate does nothing of interest. People are irrationally angry. Bane is stupid. Werewolves are culturally difficult. Jace is increasingly unstable. Bane has noxious hauteur. Demon woman wants a spell to erase Jace’s love for Clary. There are no noble interior motives.

There is tactical alignment. Demon woman is brutal and cynical. There are no moral statements. Alec wants to move in with Bane but Bane rejects the idea. There is no truth-questing, learning, debate or critique. This was gloomy and misleading things are said. This needs to be livelier.

Clary tells Luke what happened with the angel but not Alec. This was not powerfully dramatic with focus and intensity. Nobody has endearing qualities. I feel no profound affection for this. Kyle has darker motives. Clary has deep disquiet. This was not subtle or thoughtful. Things are dark, unpleasant and uncertain. This was inauspicious. There is no raw emotion. This not joyful or uplifting. Luke’s sister lives in the woods and faces a loss of association.

I wish Simon would shut up. Jace no longer loves Clary now due to the potion. They all live chaotic lives. Simon’s a tool. There are emotional consequences and pernicious insinuations. There is no decency or respect. An angel shows up and is killed by a demon thing. This whole show is a frownathon. One feels scornful about this ep.

Emotional damage is ignored. There is no ethical effort. There is no moral particularism. This was not mirthful. The idiots face a threat to fundamental civilisational heritage. There is will and desperation. Will Luke shut up? Alec goes through Bane’s box and Bane manipulates Alec come more. Bane is all deliberately inflammatory unreasonableness. Simon has bitter entitlement. This ep was paltriness. Bane really got around.

Best Lines:
“Some deranged cult.”

“Face a greater evil than you realise.”

Trust 1x03

La Dolce Vita
Paul III is in peril. There are boring flashbacks to his reckless partying, drugging and drinking. Paul III was bad friend. He then realised his ‘friends’ only hung out with him for the Getty fortune he doesn’t have and rides off on his vespa. Paul III was a jerk. Did Gail live in Italy? I’m confused. Paul III came up with the idea for his own kidnapping? Paul III got people killed and was too lazy to get a damn job.

Paul III had cold turkey and so escaped from his ‘captors’ to party and now he’s in the hands of really bad people. He’s so stupid, workshy and lazy you don’t care.

Best Line:
“You think cocaine is free?”

The Crossing 1x10&1x11

The Androcles Option
Who built the time machine and why? The doctor wants to use Reece to her advantage. Jude overlooks that no matter what he wants in the future, humanity will be wiped out by the Apex. I’ve no incentive to care about this. I’ve a negative assessment of this ep. The mystery woman works with 200 year old technology aka Jude’s laptop.

Why don’t they let the first arrivals kill Reece? She’s a genocidal criminal! She deserves the vindictive treatment! This ep isn’t impossibly heartbreaking. This ep was not distinctive or intelligent or gritty or soulful or bleakly beautiful or chilling or satisfying or beautifully written. Jude yells. The yobbo is unusually passionate about Hannah. He gets shocked.

Noah plots murder. Reece does not court pity. Jude needs to shut his mouth. He roundly insults everyone. How desperate were people in the future that their last dread alternative was time travel? Where is Jude’s son? There is no searing honesty. Eve is divorced? Jude ignores the huge implications of Apex. Reece is all malice and venom. This was peculiarly unrewarding.

Eve reveals she had Paul’s child. Doesn’t Jude have a job to be doing? I wish Reece would shut up about Leah, she’s not her daughter. Reece is a murderer. The violent loser yobbo mumbles. People are stupid. Reece is ungrateful. The doctor wants to live.

Best Lines:
“I can’t let you become like me. The beginning of Apex is the end of the human race. And I cannot let you bring that into this time.”

“Time ninja.”

“Shaped the future.”

“You betrayed all of us.”

These Are The Names
Jude has a vision of the Apex taking his son. Jude is unjustly hostile. This show was not pretty enduring for a reason. There is no reasoned opinion. I feel abhorrence for Jude. Where did mystery woman go? Jude helps the detainees run off to somewhere. Suddenly there is snow. Jude knows how to provoke. Noah’s hard work and dedication come to naught. This was not staggeringly prescient.

Jude has no moral grounds to do anything. The milieu bores. Jude doesn't find the coming of Apex to be deeply concerning. There are no high emotional IQs. There are traumatic outcomes. Why is everyone such a tool? There is no creeping dread. There is violence and Reece doesn’t have a real good relationship with the law. The yobbo whines and this ep was futile.

How did the camp burn down? Nobody bothered to get the predictions of the future translated? I feel an abhorrence for Jude and Reece. Jude has a distain for rules. Reece has a murderous rage and neither of them give a second thought to the doctor. She could be dead for all they care. In fact the doctor has cured herself at a haunting cost - she is patient zero for Apex. The nightmare history will unfold again.

What are the escapees up to? Eve plots. Jude gives purposeful encouragement to a generically modified genocidal war criminal. Reece is convinced she’s right, which means she no moral limits and everything she does is rationalised as necessary. Reece has a gooby attitude and no gracious appreciation. She’s unburdened by her past actions. This ep leaves you dispirited. I wish Jude would drop dead. He gets away with his crap and I hate him.

Jude does not have the moralistic high ground. Sense is ruthlessly abandoned. Reece reacts with fury to everything and parades her achievements. Why did Noah and co want the detainees dead? Season 2 is set up. Of course, this was axed so that never happened. How did Noah have Rachel? Jude does calculated gestures of distain. Why isn’t he arrested? Hannah doesn’t pay for her sins and neither does yobbo.

This whole situation was avoidable. Leah can read Apex? She read Jude’s name in the history? I hate this ep and this show with a vehement passion. What about Eve’s plan to kill people with the Apex marker? Where did the locket with yobbo’s photo in it come from? Sadly Hannah does not die after being electrocuted. FFS. Why is Jude important? Why was this show so bad?

Best Lines:
“You don’t make any real decisions.”

“Share a distain for my front gate.”

“Doesn’t use good judgement.”

“The evil is you.”

“About what’s coming.”

“You don’t know what the world will become.”

“She wrote the future on the wall.”

“This is not going to end well.”

American Vandal 2x01-2x03

The Brownout
A catholic school faces threats from the turd burglar. Chicken finger Monday went bad due to the school lemonade being doctored. The turd burglar taunts the students with more poo related ‘pranks’. The documentary makers from season 1 are famous now and look into how fingers were pointed as to the identity of the turd burglar. There is mumbling and a confession by Kevin, a bullied kid. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I wore tights. I really wish I hadn’t.”

“Serial pool pisser.”

“This school has secrets.”

“I grabbed a trashcan.”

“Wasn’t the work of spoiled fish sticks.”

“Who is the turd burglar?”

“Fruit ninja.”

“Old people die on the toilet all the time.”

“He had friends before that.”

Weird kid Kevin says his confession was forced. Kevin’s been expelled and placed on house arrest. The school threw Kevin under the bus. A poop piñata took place. The poo incidents affected morale. Is there a normalisation of dishonesty at the school? There are uneasy questions. Kevin is not pitiable and he has an image problem. This was all inconsequentiality. Was Kevin bullied? Is the purported truth only a semi-sound argument? Was Kevin susceptible to pressure?

The only brownout incident wasn’t caused by a laxative? There is a Juul mention. Who called the police on skip day? This was not as good as 2x01. A new suspect pops up.

Best Lines:
“Not so hard to believe now.”

“No one screams like that for candy!”

“Doesn’t care for me or my life choices.”

“Weird on purpose.”

“You can even get a detention for chewing gum.”

“How is that a legal confession of guilt?”

“Boiled down gummy bears and poured them into the lemonade dispenser.”

“Has to be sausage jalapeño.”

“Sri Lankan Cinnamon.”

Leaving A Mark
Is the school’s basketball star DeMarcus Tillman the turd burglar? As social analysis, this is the opposite of sensationally good.

Best Line:
“I look down at people with love.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Nightmare's Realm, part 3 + The Intrusions

Nightmare’s Realm: New Tales Of The Weird & Fantastic edited by S.T. Joshi, part 3

Purging Mom
This lacks any endearing qualities. I’ve no idea what this unfeasibly stupid and unsentimental tale was about. This was not truly innovative.

The Fifth Stone
A woman finds stones. Evil stones. This is an idiot tale of ambivalence and negative connotations. There are no striking notions here, let alone artisanal commitment.

In The City Of Sharp Edges
A man dreams, which has disastrous consequences and leads to a tailspin to the grave in this monstrously dull tale.

An Actor’s Nightmare
There is calculating interest in bullying in an acting troupe. A man is at a reputation disadvantage. This was full of fundamental contradictions and animosities and was stupid.

Best Lines:
“Began to be regarded with ridicule if not active dislike.”

“Desolate expectancy.”

“I still feel guilty about it. I doubt very much is anyone else does.”

This incoherent narrative is by Edgar Allan Poe.

The Intrusions by Stav Sherez
This ‘thriller’ is unfailingly terrible. Who wants to read about a violent predator cutting up women? This crime novel is inept and is about cops looking for a serial killer full of madness and depravity. This was boring and not unflinching.

Best Lines:
“Who says that kind of crap?”

“The eventual realisation that you were never going to make it followed by the slow withdrawal into disappointment and silence?”

“You wouldn’t have thought she’d be the kind to get herself murdered.”

“More dreams, more disappointments and sad retreats back home.”

“You can pretend you’re normal for a few hours but not for a lifetime.”

“It’ll prove you once existed.”

“You think the things I’ve done are bad, just wait and see what the next generation is capable of.”
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Go Go Power Rangers Issue 12 Reviewed

This was part of the ‘Shattered Grid’ storyline. This sees past and an AU future merge. We see Lord Drakkon turn his Kimberley Hart into his RangerSlayer. Meanwhile Jason (who is 15!) has issues with his dad. Lord Drakkon manipulates reality. Rita is guided by rapacious unfillable need. The 5 MMPR fight monsters. AU Kimberley runs around and some goob named Matt annoys.

Tommy Oliver has arrived in Angel Grove; he’s not a ranger yet. What happens to AU Kim? Rita plots something. Is it the creation of the green ranger? Goob Matt realises the identities of the MMPR and that they would never share them with him. He does a massive stroopy sulk. Who cares about the fraught goob Matt? Who is he anyway? This is a bit confusing but I enjoyed it. The gang are absolutely distraught about goob Matt. @@.

Best Lines:
“I lost my chance to save you a long time ago.”

“You so better be brainwashed.”

“She’s never boring.”


“An armadillo with a hammer and a lobster with a mace.”

“Why are you trying to kill me?!”

“I know I’m not special...and that the five of you are.”

“Stop lying! Just...stop! Every time! The whole time!”

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Sergio Balleseros

Movie Reviews: The Day Of The Triffids + Tale Of Tales

The Day Of The Triffids (1962)
This was wildly unfaithful to the novel. A meteor storm causes disaster and the alien traffic plants attack. The hero smokes in a hospital and a guy in a lighthouse is drunk and emotionally abusive. There is sexism. The hero meets Susan who is an idiot. There is really bad VFX. A plane crashes. The hero and Susan head to Paris. The acting, script and direction are all terrible. Convicts show up and make girls dance. People are left to die.

The abusive drunken man in the lighthouse fights off triffids with a firehose of seawater. The water pressure is just fine and it’s all ridiculous. People all go to church at the end to give thanks for sea water.

Best Lines:
“Man killing plants? I’m not drunk am I?”

“The pilot? Is he blind too?”

“No help out there.”

“They don’t usually pull themselves out of the ground and chase you!”

Tale Of Tales (2015)
A  dull fairy tale anthology.

Best Line:
“Be less mysterious!”
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