September 9th, 2018

Scary Books

CoverStory1x01+ShadesOfBlue3x10+StarTrek3x16&3x17+ TheRiver(2011-2012)1x01&1x02+ AHS:Cult 7x05&06

The Girl In The Playground
This dull Icelandic drama sees a boy find a body. An annoying woman (who the subtitles inform us is named Laura) harangues her husband and an oil baron is suspected of the murder. It’s winter and the oily businessman won’t co-operate. The woman, Laura, is a journalist who needs to pay 800,000 kronas after losing a defamation case. A female cop is a source for the newspaper.

Laura has a baby she fawns over. She drives her husband away. All interactions with other are very poorly received. She has no contrition for her crap. Laura’s hired by the oil guy, to clear his name. Her paper won’t pay her fine. There is yelling about the fine and her endless maternity leave. Laura spies on her old colleagues. Laura won’t listen or talk to her husband. Enquiry and speculation bore.

Laura goes for coffee leaving her baby outside in a pram in winter in Iceland! Laura’s co-workers figure out what’s she’s up and she becomes a pariah. Laura exploits a friend. The oil man has a habit of abusing women. Not that Laura cares. Laura is fired and is to be reported to an ethics committee. She alienates her daughter and she has studious reluctance to be sensible. This was BAD.

Best Lines:
“We’re always the bad guys.”

“You’re not welcome here.”

By Virtue Fall
There is no deep moral purpose as this show ends. Woz is a fugitive and then he isn’t. People are in incredibly serious trouble. People look orange. Harlee does damage limitation. People are uniquely badly behaved. There is no reasonable debate. This was unimposing. Who will bear the brunt of the fallout? Harlee. She testifies. Isn’t everyone tired of the brooding guy withdrawing enigmatically whenever something goes down? Nobody has self-critical inner dialogue. People are foul. Tess makes a cold logical choice. There is ethical unease and rash decisions and damaged souls and a ‘fiendishly cunning’ bad guy.

This does not cause the right level of engagement. Harlee does not provoke heated debate. People are contemptuous and furtive. People are self-limiting. Tess gets a bag, full of money, but Woz drags her back in. The police commission hearing drags on. Woz gets away with everything he’s done. Harlee gets a stack of witness statements. The girlfriend abuser legs it. Woz’s crew get away with all they did? The dangling plot threads left behind by Donny Pomp are ignored. The bad dude is off to jail. Woz shows up on the bus.
What about Nate? Christina stays with Woz? How long will Harlee be locked up? Tess gets her detective shield back! HOW? This was not satisfying.

Best Lines:
“With your secrets.”

“Endangered people’s lives with my choices.”

“Disproportionate amount of fatalities.”

“Absolute lack of competence.”

“I let it all burn down.”

“Quite a provocative accusation.”

“Simple and horrific fact.”

The Mark Of Gideon
Kirk is on an empty Enterprise. How did this mess found a franchise whose complex backstory spans decades? Spock has sagacity. A diplomat is obstructive. McCoy rages and hurls unfounded accusations. A bimbo in purple lipstick prances. Eyelines are off. Just because this is Trek, it’s not as if that is any reason to watch. Protocol is debated vigorously with an annoying man with an inflated sense of his own perceived importance.

William Shatner has weird diction as he goes on about red priority. There is feverish speculation about the missing Kirk. There is a sustained barrage of brazen and reckless lies. This was utter disarray. Kirk is all brimming machismo. The Enterprise carries a shipload of food to feed 430 people for 5 years? There are contentious issues that elicit baffled dismay. The planet Gideon suffers from over-population for reasons left unsaid.

How did the population of the over-populated Gideon create a duplicate of the Enterprise? And where? They want to create an ultimately disastrous plague using Kirk’s blood. There are pernicious falsifications and the inhabitants of Gideon wish to inflict untold and possibly irreparable damage on themselves. There is rancour and diverseness. This ep is stagnant. Long suppressed fury seethes. Birth control is outlawed. There is mendacity. Kirk cynically mocks and there is cynical self-regard. No to this.

Best Lines:
“The Bureau of Planetary Treaties.”

“Beat this disaster.”

“Space terminology.”

“No hope for happiness.”

That Which Survives
Why is Sulu on an away team? A woman thing lurks imperilling an away team and the Enterprise. There are no fondish memories of this season. Spock has formidable forbearance. There is no chastening reality. There is foreshadowing of ‘Star Trek 2’. This is not a decent narrative undertaking. Kirk doesn’t seem to have a single likeable quality. This was not grimly arresting.

Best Lines:
“By all the laws that we know.”

“Restrain your leaps of logic.”


Bruce Greenwood, Leslie Hope, Paul Blackthorne and Thomas Kretschmann star in this disappointing mess. Beloved TV host Dr Emmet Cole (Greenwood) goes missing deep in the rainforest. His show ‘The Undiscovered Country’ began in 1988 and was a worldwide hit. Dr Cole’s wife Tess (Hope of ‘Doppelganger‘) and his son Lincoln were part of the show. They sailed around on his boat, Magnus. The show aired every Saturday for 22 years. He was Steve Irwin famous until he vanished in the Amazon.

Tapes of Dr Cole’s last mission are watched. This has some found footage elements. Tess looks for Dr Cole. ABC aired this. Lincoln is asked to help look for Dr Cole. He looks like a drug addict. Dr Cole’s beacon has been found in the Amazon 6 months after he vanished. Lincoln is apparently a PHD student?!?! The network rep Clark (Blackthorne of ‘Arrow’ and ‘The Dresden Files’, who uses his real accent) lurks being sleazy.

Kurt a private security guy lurks as part of the rag tag crew. Kurt throws some guy into the Amazon. Did they ever fish him out? Some screeching woman named Lena shows up. Warnings are ignored. The wreck of the Magnus is found. A door is welded shut from the outside. There are cameras everywhere on the Magnus. While not staggeringly daring, it is thrilling if not potent or persuasive. A shrine is found. The impetuous junkie Lincoln babbles.

This was pleasing nonsense. People don’t expediently handle things. Lena has secrets. There are no truth clues. The rafts are sabotaged and they’re stuck on the Magnus which is suddenly sea-worthy again. Lena swims around in the Amazon with a wound. Lincoln accuses Tess of cheating. People stomp around the very well lit Amazon. Nobody worries about infected wounds? Kurt knows something. What is the source? The VFX is bad. This is okay but no wonder it was cancelled.

Best Lines:
“Don’t throw up.”

“American education.”

“Something break out.”

“Tide patterns.”

“The ground wouldn’t take him.”

“Eat your peaches.”

“There’s magic out there!”

“Soul traps.”

“Nature’s just disgusting.”

“Looking for real magic.”

“There’s no river for the boat to be on.”

“Someone survived.”

“You made my life the whole world’s business.”

“Ghost friend be quiet.”

This was exquisitely pathetic as the mission focused fools do stupid things. They sleep without mosquito nets. Dr Cole possesses someone and people act like this is logical. This was frivolous and not fraught or immersive. Tess makes portentous ideological speeches. This has no psychological intensity. This is not a mesmerising unparallel achievement in TV. There are frank lies and negative relations. This is must miss TV. Tess is by no means the least virtuous person on board. There is no eerie sadness or inspiring awe. People do breathless and glowing endorsement of Dr Cole’ s supposed brilliance and intellectual prowess yet the man made ill-guided decisions and did questionable behaviour as he looked for real magic.

This was not complex or unsettling. This is no grim sense of inevitability or deep thought. Clark is crafty and evasive. Tess boffed Clark, I’m sure of it. Supposedly competent people are stupid. The junkie looking imbecile son is unspeakably awful. They stumble across a graveyard, dolls and a teddy bear. Reasonable fears are ignored so people can discuss ghosts. Lena has a mark.

They say the water is 6 inches deep yet another scene later and Kurt is in it up to his neck. There is grave desecration and a necklace. There are no historical resonances and idealised lost love Dr Cole causes ongoing torment. No wonder this did not win the respect of critics. The junkie looking son is of volatile temperament. This was no substantive, just inherently ephemeral and destined to fade from memory. The river is a genius Loci or something. 1x01 provoked some interest, this ep made me give up. I'm done. No more.

Best Lines:
“Insane quest to find magic.”

“Why would there are a graveyard out here?”

“Don’t take too well to company.”

“Spirit trees.”

“The doll tree!”

The largely terrible Kai stirs up trouble. Beverly’s boss Bob is jovially derisive. Kai stealthily plots and brings out people’s worst impulses. Bob threatens and fires Beverly. Bob is self-glorifying. Rules based order breaks out. Ivy is part of the cult. Kai makes impulsive, irrational and reckless decisions. He’s agenda setting and needs to sustain attention. Ally is fantastically tiresome. She lives in a divisive filter bubble.

Ally’s terrified and Ivy has been deliberately making her look terrible. Ally's own individual life choices see her overwhelmed by fear and paranoia. Everything is triggering or potentially upsetting to Ally. Has contentious Ally given Ivy the dignity of an apology for her crap? Ally is suspicious. The collective insanity of Kai’s cult goes on. Ally has only supervised visits with Oz. Ally whines about being unsnared by domesticity. She has agony and emotional economics.

Ivy is staying in a motel with Oz. Ivy hates Ally, which is understandable really. People are bothersome. Ally spies. Join us, Kai urges. Kai tells Beverly about his useless parents. Kai has a brother. Everyone really is out to get Ally! Kai, Winter and the shrink are a messed up family. What about the green gas? The most unbelievable part of this show is that Winter went to Vasser.

Best Lines:
“It was like she prepared.”

“It had to be that way.”

“People aren’t scared enough.”

“Throw in some satanic stuff like that movie ‘Paradise Lost’ I saw on HBO once.”

“I have a gimp in the attic!”

“Latin is inherently scary.”

“It’s a sick cult! And everyone’s in it! The police! My husband! Your babysitter! Your wife!”

Mid-Western Assassin
Meadow carries out a mass shooting on Kai’s orders. Is the opening credit music meant to sound like the ‘House Of Cards’ music? Ally is selfish. Kai has an unswerving desire to succeed. Kai and co poisoned bird feeders and the green gas was a feint to make people scared. Ally learns Ivy has cultish fanaticism. Meadow explains why she joined Kai‘s disturbingly violent cult: she hates Ally with relentless drive. Kai is called out for causing trouble by Mare Winningham. Ally boasts that she and Ivy import coffee beans from Italy, priorities woman! Kai and co carry out another murder. Ally is in trouble. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Beautiful idiots.”

“Facebook. You are old.”

“Crazy weird things.”

“No one will listen.”

“There’s a cult in this city.”

“Maybe she just hates you.”

“Trapped by feminist expectations.”

“Satanic murder.”

“Knowing stuff has no value.”

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Illya K

Trailers, Quotes and a MMPR Rewatch

‘She’s All That’ clip
How did the prom goers know the dance?

‘American Horror Story Cult’ promo
Clowns and honey.

‘American Horror Story Cult’ promo
Clowns and screaming.

‘American Horror Story Cult’ promo

‘American Horror Story Cult’ promo
A clown, bees and a balloon.

‘American Horror Story Cult’ promo
Green gas.

‘Power Rangers: Dino Thunder’ opening credits
Horrible show, horrible credits and Tommy Oliver has a goatee and gelled spiked hair.

Fondue - yum.
Gluten free sourdough loaf - crumbly.
Proseco - good.

Recall ‘Forty Coats’ or ‘Wanderly Wagon’?

What is edible sand?

A new ‘Heathers’ DVD is coming out with new extras.

Recall ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ or the ‘Twilight of the Gods’ ep of ‘Morse’ or ‘Three Rivers’?

Who saw ‘Meet The Applegates’ or ‘Margo’ or ‘A Serious Man’ or’ Barton Fink’ or ‘Le Mans’ (1971)?

I’d try Japanese soufflé pancakes.

Badgers eat hedgehogs?

What is a coppice?

I’d like to have seen the great Irish elk.

I’d like a copperstone pan.

I’d try chilled almond soup.

Rewatched the ‘Hercules The Legendary Journeys’ ep ‘Hero’s Heart’ which was bad as an amnesiac Iolaus bums pretentiously around Ancient Greece.

‘Company’ and ‘More’ magazines have gone out of print.

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Wellbeing literature,”

“Of a class and a type.”

“Last word that could ever be spoken on the subject.”

“There’s surprisingly little atmosphere considering how much trouble they’ve gone to create atmosphere.”

“Arctic amplification.”

“Beyond the reasonable limit.”

“You are not a group actor.”

“Relic of an analogue age.”

“Analogue-era curio.”

“How recognisable she would find the portrait painted of her.”

“Unwise attempt to step up in class.”


“The supreme court has demanded he explain his threat.”



“Refuse to compromise on what you want,”

“The adults in your life don’t have any real authority.”

“Why would you choose to make our lives more difficult?”

“Largest living generation.”

“Co-ordinated inauthentic behaviour.”

“Rejected by the family.”

“Grey panel shows featuring monochrome men smoking and talking about farming.”

‘Tales Of The Unexpected’ Quotes:
“United minerals.”

“This is a decent hotel!”

“A woman! Just what I need!”

‘Inspector Morse’ Quotes:
“For anything in trousers!”

“My enemies wouldn’t miss.”

“All very unsatisfactory.”

“Valued their material possessions, and would surrender them for nothing.”

“Give it to Oxfam.”

“We’re not gentry, thank god.”

“Worked at the same pit.”

“Man of conventional opinion.”

“Fronts about in hideous frocks.”

“Horrible shiny suit.”

“Books were a waste of good trees.”

“Stupid laws.”

“How very sad for you sir.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Pretentious and inaccessible menus.”

“Ditch the fancy food.”



“Good honest pub grub.”


“Culture of nastiness, bullying and intimidation.”

“Throwaway society.”

“Morality of bared bodies.”

“Germ-laden rag.”

“Vestiges of what they’ve deposited in the lavatory.”

“Identity seclusion and isolation from the social mainstream.”

“Counterfactual dystopia.”

“Immediately regretted.”

“Notoriously overlooked.”

“Paper stealer.”

“Their rights and safety are under threat.”

“Bitterly polarised.”


“Lost a fight with a 14-year-old’s laundry basket.”

“Look like a dude that sells you bad weed on the Venice boardwalk.”

“Labels inaccessible to most people.”

“Emphasising how much effort it takes.”


“Repetitive rants.”

“Generational catastrophe.”

“Honey is notorious for food fraud.”

‘The Martian’ Quotes:
“Countdown halt.”

“Unbalanced load.”

“Expressly rejected.”

“Consider the consequences.”

“You said yes to this?”

‘One Was Lost’ Quotes:
“He’s got enough gear in his pack to start a new society should we get lost.”

“He looks at the rest of us like we’re less.”

“Do I look like a girl who drugs people?”


‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Parenting education.”

“Court ordered into rehab.”

‘RTE News’ Quote:

‘Tales From The Darkside’ Quotes:
“You pulled a gun on mom!”
“I had to.”

‘Power Rangers: Dino Thunder’ Quotes:
“He doesn’t look convinced.”

“We are not intimidated by your teacher!”

“I checked my closet this morning and there’s a serious shortage of black in there.”

“A science teacher with the ruins of an ancient civilization under his house.”

“All totally fascinating.”

“Power losers!”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Rhetoric of victimisation.”

“Cultural integrity.”

“Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me.”

“Answer songs.”

“Isn’t a word readily available to them.”

“Slots herself into their habits and routines.”

“Unguided growth and flawed ambition.”


“Recognise new technological threats.”

"Historical curiosity.”

“Talent soaked.”

“Once-triumphant strategies.”

“They knew what the future looked like.”

“Private business of being.”

‘Mission Impossible’ Quote:
“Want me to finger him for you?”

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Green With Evil Part 1 Rewatch
From 1993 comes this ep that debuted Jason David Frank as Tommy Oliver. He’d go on to become the most popular power ranger ever. Also he and Amy Jo Johnson would be the only original line up actors to have a cameo in the reboot movie. They’re the only original actors not to have a falling out with TPTB.

MC Hammer pants and headbands and clown pants and shirts with no side seams are worn by characters. Even before he becomes the green ranger, Tommy wears green. There is a drastic onslaught of bad ADR and bad acting. Kimberley likes Tommy. Bulk and Skull do nothing but bully people. Tommy has a mullet. Kimberley wears a Britney Spears like belly shirt years before Britney.

The rangers all wear clothes tied into their ranger colour. Oddly no one notices this. Zordon mediates and never mentioned there was a 6th power coin. Rita makes Tommy her brainwashed green ranger. His outfit is pimped out. He attacks Zordon’s HQ and takes out Alpha 5 with a cd. How does Rita an evil witch who lives on the moon have a cd with a computer virus on it?!?

If Rita keeps throwing her wand down to Earth - how does she get it back? Jason doesn’t believe in sleeves. Billy drives a flying car. The green ranger is an ornery cuss. Billy wears dungarees. This is one of the occasions where ‘MMPR’ was entertaining. By 2005, when Tommy Oliver returned as a science teacher in ‘Dino Thunder’ - he had a PHD. HOW?

Anyone recall the ‘Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers’ fanfic parodies which parodied this ep (Green With Vomit, part 1) and others?

Best Lines:
“Fall of the power rangers.”

“My evil green ranger!”

“Green guy.”

Book Reviews: The Island + Halcyon

The Island by M.A. Bennett
Bullied Link crash-lands on a desert island with 6 of his tormentors. What could possibly go wrong? From the author of ‘S.T.A.G.S’ comes this not as good novel. Link has eloquent determination to best them but the dumb plot twists disincentives interest.

I’ve no compunction to care about these ghastly people and their social cues. Link’s rage is predictable and the bullies deserve to pay for the terrible experiences and public ridicule they inflicted. This has integrity or vision. This was Did Not Finish annoying. This was full of references to ‘Lost’ and attempted cultural critiques.

Halcyon by Rio Youers
This promised a tale of a cult. That was a lie. This was a tale of a family with 2 whiny brat daughters, one of whom is a psychic. Add in a cult, abuse of women, attacks and this vile and false and inexcusably terrible novel is chaotic and dysfunctional. This is disastrous, has a continued lack of action and is inscrediby boring and badly written. This was pretentious and incomprenhensible.

This was a total non-starter that was not credible or sensible. The author has no mastery of pace or character. This was completely unremarkable. This was vaporous and ill-judged. This crap deserves only ridicule and contempt. How did this crap get published? This novel embodies the demise of the publishing industry.

Best Lines:
“Slammed that door, burned that bridge.”

“Pretend we have a fulfilling life.”

“Imagine he was marooned on an island, hundreds of miles from civilization, with nothing but a mysterious smoke beast and countless plot holes for company.”

“Marched alone into infamy.”

“One of the most hated figures in American history?”

“That one man, with his own set of grievances, could have done this is terrifying.”

“A frenzy of hate and national disgrace.”

“Risky to recruit our own victims,”
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Movie Reviews: Deepstar Six+Covenant+Frankenhooker+Virgin Witch+MyBloodyValentine+100 Bloody Acres

Deepstar Six (1989)
I think ‘Leviathan’ was better than this crap. Miguel Ferrer and Matt McCoy and Nia Peeples star in this mess. Jerks work in an undersea base. There is no complexity or suspense. There is bad acting and this was not thoughtful, quiet or intelligent. Everyone looks like a scumbro. This causes irritation. This has moral compromise. Women are marginalised, insulted and dismissed as men cause finger-jabbing rows.

Miguel Ferrer is unrelentingly annoying. A sea monster attacks. Everyone is licentious and base. This is sexist and emotional vitriol is fuelled. Men have swagger and panic and bravado. This is cheap looking and is all mundanity. This is dismal. What’s down in the unimaginable darkness of the abyssal deep? Nothing interesting. This was all boredom and people aren’t emotionally devastated by what happens to them. This is notoriously bad and nobody has emotional range. The ‘monster’ looks like Mr Hanky. One feels dwindling interest from 1 minute in.

The Covenant (2006)
This sexist dire mess looks 90s. Women are meat and estrogen brigade bait men - Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch and Chance Crawford prance. There is a sequel set up. Also featuring are Stephen McHattie, Jessica Lucas of ‘Cult’ and ‘Gotham’ and apparently Neil Napier of ‘Helix’.

Frankenhooker (1990)
Nobody starts out disarmingly normal in this tale of sluts and bolts. This is a bizarre ‘comedy’ that has dated tech, fat shaming and weird clothes. A mad scientist’s stupid girlfriend dies in a freak remote controlled lawnmower accident. No names star in this mess which is remarkably unpleasant. This was not funny or endearing. It is full of gross discourtesy and a top loading VCR.

Poor Elizabeth Shelley is dead. But Jeffrey Franken wants to fix her. He keeps her severed head and other body parts. He decides to resurrect her using disposable sex workers. A sleazy pimp who looks like Freddie Mercury lurks. This was not oddly moving just implicitly horrible. This is all about the terrible consequences of stupid men. Jeffrey Franken invents super-crack and there is sexism and abuse of women and branded hookers and an unfortunate guinea pig.

Women are meat and this is full of sleaze. Hookers explode. Jeffrey Franken brings Elizabeth Shelley back to life as a hodgepodge of hooker parts. She lumbers around, fake slapping people and killing people in Times Square. There is bad acting and a pimp gets got. There is a ridiculous ending to this hugely misogynistic film.

Best Lines:
“Tossed human salad.”

“Death by lawnmower.”

Virgin Witch (1970)
Vicki Michelle stars in this UK ‘horror’ about sisters who want to be models. This is sleaze as the sisters decide to become Satanists. Then it just ends. It was basically sleaze and bad sleaze.

Best Lines:
“Back-street photographers.”

“You silly bitch.”

My Bloody Valentine (1981)
There is unnecessary antagonism and a sex scene in a mine as a bizarrely dressed killer stalks people and kills them with a pick axe. This was bad and the 3D remake was better. This is all about the bygone era of the 80s and mining sustaining a community. Irritating miners mumble and enunciate badly. Something went wrong in the town at a Valentine’s Dance in 1960. TJ (Paul Kelman) is berated for leaving town and failing and coming back.

People don’t know what happened to the bad guy from the 60s. There is bad acting and a woman is fought over like she’s a chocolate bar. Hollis (Keith Knight) a guy who has a moustache from the 18th century jokes. Knit sweaters are worn. There are stark reminders of the past. Relationships have come and gone. I don’t care about their romantic decisions. People try to protect the strength and purity of the small town.

There is furore over a girl’s’ favours. Disrespectful kids yell. Until godless reprisal cuts them down for their sins. I was sure the quiet unassuming TJ was the killer. There is no intensification of the action. Kids have brazen determination to party. There is no solemn delicacy. TJ is all crushed sadness. There is idiocy, a fist fight and a severed head in the freezer gag. The kids go down a mine and so you can’t see what is happening. Poor Hollis. TJ is not the killer. There is no narrative cohesion but there is a nice song over the end credits.

Best Lines:
“He’s my son and he’s working in the mine!”

“What’s going on over in Valentine’s Bluffs?

“First Valentine’s dance in 20 years.”

100 Bloody Acres (2012)
Obnoxious musical festival goers harass a guy into giving them a lift. Too bad for them, he and his brother make organic fertiliser. Which is made from people! Too late the festival goers realise they’re in a real life ‘Wolf Creek’. The brothers have a falling out and this was okay comedy horror.

Best Lines:
“Psycho hillbilly.”

“We’re not psychos alright! We’re small business operators!”

“I’ve seen your type on tv!”
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