July 19th, 2018


Movie Reviews: The Colony + Bermuda Tentacles + Wish Upon + Solarbabies

The Colony (2015)
In 1973 Chile, a dumb couple (Emma Watson and Daniel Bruhl) get involved in the coup and then a cult. There is babbling and exposition and bad acting and mumbling and a cult leader with an authoritarian grip. This was idiocy.

Best Line:
“Get up and live.”

Bermuda Tentacles (2014)
This is what Linda Hamilton is reduced to? There is bad vfx as Air Force One crashes into the Bermuda Triangle. Rescuers find an underground cave and there are monsters and aliens that provoke concerns. This is like a bad ‘Seaquest DSV’ ep.

Best Lines:
“Air assets.”

“An airplane graveyard.”


“Non-terrestrial life.”

“People will die, including us.”

Wish Upon (2017)
This opens with an Orion logo, didn’t they go bust? This terrible film is full of awful people. The vile heroine Claire has a dumpster diving crazed hoarder father (a slumming Ryan Phillippe). Bad dad finds a magic Chinese wishing box in a bin. Elisabeth Rohm and Sherilyn Fenn flit in and out of this movie.

Claire learns that whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein when she wishes on the wishing box which turns out to have a demon in it. Claire catfights with the school mean girl Darcie. Claire wishes Darcie would rot, which she does via bad make up. There is a price which starts with Claire’s dog dying. For her next wish, an old dude dies.

Claire shrieks at her hoarding dad. She becomes rich. Fenn is killed by a garbage disposal. Her father randomly plays the sax. There is a silly backstory to the wishing box. Claire shrugs off people dying for her blood price wishes. Her friends point out her awfulness. This slow and inefficient film was inspired by ‘The Monkey’s Paw’. People are adversely affected. There is no searing insight. Be careful what you wish for.

There is indisputable evidence that a demon is loose but Claire could care less. There is an elevator crash and OTT acting and no way to resolve disputes. There is a cameo by Jerry O’Connell and Claire finally decides to act when she learns the ultimate price for being granted 7 wishes. Illogic abounds: why didn’t they get a security system? Nobody noticed the tax issue sooner? How did someone fall down the stairs? Why does Claire have any friends with the way she treats them? Her father and his friend chainsaw a brand while standing on a chair which leads to death. There is a crazy wish and even more illogic. There is a twist moralistic ending to cap off this terrible film.

Best Lines:
“Had to amputate her toes.”

“Psycho bitch.”

“If there’s a will, trust me, we’re not in it.”

“We live in a fricking mansion! What else do you need?”

“It’s messed up.”

“You’re not that special.”

“Swore a music box had destroyed her family.”

“How is there a but?”

Solarbabies (1986)
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
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  • Tags
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Black Helicopters + Marlena

Black Helicopters by Caitlin R. Kiernan
This weird fiction novella is incoherent and unreadable. It doesn’t leave you dumbstruck with fear. It’s a morally inverted mess best avoided. There are spiritual forces of evil and an undesirable ending. This is not breathtakingly audacious.

Best Lines:
“She says the names of Not Gods and all their not-holy retinues in turn.”

“All our work and insight left unacknowledged.”

“A fit of laughter that not a man among her watchers does not find disconcerting,”

“A thousand other well-meaning fools who reached for the stars and liked to wish they’d not been half so ambitious, half so curious, half so clever and willing to trespass on the domain of a thousand different deities,”

“Unless the Xers have mastered necromancy, you may rest assured she’s out of the picture.”

“Ain’t you ever seen Cloverfield?”

Marlena by Julie Buntin
This tonally misconceived novel tells of a doomed teenage friendship and the contentious tragic life path of the girls dismissed as trashy bad girls. This was boring and a dismal litany of misery and teen girls perplexingly determined to destroy themselves.

Best Lines:
“Back when we were still the kind of family who went on camping trips,”

“One of those time traveler books about sex in Scotland.”

“The person you’ll never have a chance to be.”

“You’ve finally begun your downward spiral into a futureless hick who eats pot three meals a day.”

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Kylo Ren

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Brand New Drama Coming Soon - BBC’ trailer
‘The ABC Murders’, ‘War Of The Worlds’, ‘Killing Eve’ and ‘The Cry’. Mmmm.

‘A Simple Favor’ trailer
Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively bond over their sons. French music plays, Lively wears nice gloves, there is a blog and a favour. A woman goes missing, there are shoes, secrets, mind games and I want to see this.

Best Lines:
“Feel so high tone.”

“You do not want to be friends with me. Trust me.”

“She was not a normal person.”

‘Unfriended: Dark Web’ trailer
People watch snuff videos on a stolen lap. There is over-acting and gurning.

Best Line:

‘Bridge Of Spies’ promo

‘The Glades’ promo

Iced tea Apple&Matcha - tastes like old grass clippings.

‘Elementary’ killed off Mycroft - oh ffs.

My ‘Smallville’ clex fanfic lost with PC: The ‘Destiny’ series where the duo endure much during their relationship, the series where Lex is replaced by an evil clone, the series where Lex replaces himself with a clone, the one where Lex is secretly bad, the one where they’re happy in the future and the crossover with ‘Firefly’.

I may watch ‘The First’.

Adam Driver is to do a zombie movie?

The new ‘She-Ra’ looks ugly.

Who saw ‘The Bunker’ or ‘Brighton Beach Memoirs’ or ‘Miranda’ (1948) or ‘Christmas In Connecticut’ or ‘Serendipity’?

‘Katie Price: My Crazy Life’ Quotes:
Who names their daughter Katrina Amy Alexandra Alexis?”

“And then I found out all along, he was sleeping with the nanny!”

“Sprint like Bolt out the front door.”

‘Carrie’ (2002) Quote:
“What happened wasn’t natural.”

‘Sex With The Queen’ Quotes:
“She didn’t fear hell she replied. She was already living it.”

“Sex police.”

‘Sex With Kings’ Quote:
“Called one of the two dullest queens in Europe by her own father, the other dull queen being his wife.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Shared responsibility.”

“Assisted decision-making system.”

“Geographical footprint.”

“Failure to explain where they got the cash to buy four swanky London pads-”

“Emphasise their secondary status.”

“Dishonours truth,”

“Latent discontent.”

“Electoral law.”

“Need some extra appreciation.”

“The diminishing group of Irish patients who has a long-standing relationship with a doctor.”

“Very challenging to manage.”

“When he thinks about it, which is often.”

“Thinking negative thoughts over and over and over.”

“The debilitating power of victimhood.”

“Birth reflections midwife.”




“Mad bitch.”

“Useful consciousness.”

“Sleep and rapid descent.”

“The largest enclosed public park in any capital city in Europe.”

“Megalithic find.”

‘RTE News’ Quotes:
“Meaning government.”

“Lava tourism.”

‘The Krays’ Quotes:
“I dare ya!”

“Do you see me laughing?”

“A lot of screaming in them days.”

“Go to bed you revolting man!”

‘Return Of The Black Death’ Quote:
“Places unseemly.”

“The city’s dying families.”

“Removing them from human concerns.”

“Two Horsemen of the Apocalypse were riding on London.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Sapping the joy out of life.”

‘BBC News’ Quotes:
“Judge made law.”

“They were defiant.”

“Public interest journalism.”

‘Tales Of The Unexpected’ Quotes:
“He seemed so convincing.”
“Conmen always are.”

“My potential.”
“Your what?”

“Horrid horrid money.”

Testament Of Youth’ Quote:
“Inspirational stories for the damned.”

‘The Times’ Quotes:

“Stealing from horse boxes.”

“Menace to all things equestrian.”

“Feeling undermined in their abilities.”

“Inferior biological qualities.”

“Incapable of being disproven.”

“Seems disinclined to accept the restraints on power.”

“Rejection of objective truth.”

“Cultural preference.”

“Productivity killers.”

“Venerated sound.”

“Street qualities.”
Pretty Smart

6 TV Reviews

Designated Survivor 2x21&2x22

Trey bangs the White House counsel - it’s not emotionally intimate. Moss utters sinister refrains. This is fatalistic melodrama. Twitchy West is unceremoniously annoying. There is logical absurdism. Hannah’s nuts. It’s 20 months since 1x01. Kirkman is told to stop being an Independent.

The counsel is called Kendra. Trey is compromising. West annoys and is appointed as a Special Prosecutor to take on Moss. Someone bothers Kendra for unclear reasons. Chuck annoys. Season 2 is oddly addictive trash. Lyor rants about Kirkman running for re-election. Aaron annoys. West spits venom. Hannah has an on-going sense of revenge.

Moss blowhards. I’ve no idea what is going on. Hannah misses Damien and sees a video message he left for her about his daughter. Moss runs for POTUS. Hannah’s crap causes blowback on Kirkman. West causes issues.

Best Lines:
“Did that just happen?”

“Nearly Patty Hearst’s my ass!”

West tries to get Kirkman charged. Kirkman is told not to run for election. Lyor annoys. There is a Brexit dig. Hannah’s in England facing off with Damien’s brat Amy. Leo gets into college. How? He has the brain of an under achieving ape. There is another made up landia crisis. Jessica Tuck and Bruce Davison guest star. Amy needs to shut up and go away. Damien put marmalade in his tea? Seth goes missing. There is no wrap up to anything.

Nobody asked if the FLOTUS was killed by a remnant of the conspiracy from season 1. What is the point of Amy? Where is Rob Morrow? Emily’s a tool. Moss slimes. Kirkman deals with foul politics. I don’t care about Leo. This crap ep never seems to end. It is not fascinatingly unpredictable. Kirkman tries to appeal to reason and judgement. The plot is ludicrously complicated.

Emily resigns because of her ineptness. But it turns out her unintended consequences weren’t so unintended. There are no displays of cordiality. There is mean spiritedness and nobody acts constructively just disruptively. Hannah’s wrathful. There’s no ingenuity. If this show had got a season 3, I wouldn’t have watched due to the annoying West and his untrammelled ambition.

Moss and Kirkman are mutually hostile. West causes trouble and takes mighty umbrage. There is no ingenuity. Kirkman does bitter outbursts. There is no ingenuity or menacing revelations or any obvious reasons for anything. This is not emotionally powerful. Amy is insanely cheerful. ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ is ripped off. No-one hears Hannah firing a gun in the UK? Kirkman has no capacity to make people feel safe and reassured. People are sick of Kirkman’s fancy ways and he is regarded with keenest suspicion. He can’t adjudicate disputes.

People are moral failures. Kirkman’s presidency has barely entered public consciousness. Seth and Lyor are not stand up men, despite TPTB telling is they are over and over. Seth saved people. So nobody will suspect Hannah in the murder of the woman she very badly wanted dead? How will Amy get to the USA without a visa? Where is her mother? Kirkman says he will run for POTUS. Hannah learns Emily is a traitor. Kirkman learns if he will be charged. This ep finally ends on all these unresolved plot threads.

Best Line:
“Do not answer it no matter what.”

GLOW 2x07-2x09

Nothing Shattered
Debbie is unapologetic. Bash is all bluster. Ruth’s in pain as the girls take her to the hospital. There are serious ramifications and Debbie is clearly unconcerned. They’re all in the ER in full make up and costume bar Debbie, who is downplaying events. Debbie regards Ruth’s injury as the opposite of a problem. Debbie is maintaining hatred, fear and anger. Debbie and Sam are the worst. There is calculated chaos.

Sam smokes in the hospital. Cherry Bang comes up with a new character, Black Magic, a voodoo queen. Bash didn’t get the girls insurance or health care. People give selfish awful Debbie the stink eye. Beirut failed out of med school. It is typical of Debbie to have no decorum and cause a scene and get attention.

Ruth has a long-held shame. Debbie doesn’t apologise for causing an injury. Ruth’s sick of Debbie’s studied pose and calm, controlled tones. Debbie and Ruth fight. Nobody else seems to share Debbie’s sense of her own importance. Debbie is selfish and Ruth has catalysing envy. Ruth has heartbreaking loneliness. This was okay. The unsayable is said. Ruth’s on the bench for 8 weeks. Bash pays Ruth’s bill. Did Ruth not need to use the bathroom whilst in hospital? Ruth gets the Viking rehired. Debbie still won’t apologise.

Best Lines:
“It’s like that movie ‘Ice Castles’.”

“Debbie almost murdering Ruth.”

“Elaborate revenge fantasy.”

“Sexy voodoo vixen.”

"Don’t feel bad about that at all.”

“You’re the success and I’m the disaster.”

“Set the weirdoes free.”

“Stole these from your neighbour. He’s dead anyway.”

The Good Twin
This is an episode of the show within the show as it airs on KDTV, the premier cable channel of the San Fernando Valley. There are Russian dolls, 80s style opening credits, comedy skits and Britannica plans to give life to a mannequin. Black Magic prances in her knickers. Britannica backs up her brain on a floppy disk. Bash plays the living mannequin.

There is a music video featuring the Madonna wannabe Melrose. There is hideous 80s fashions and it is so low budget. There is a bizarre gag involving the floppy disk. There is only the 1 ref. Black Magic does the Xena war cry. Bash’s hair is red at one point. There is an ad for a show called ‘Quilting B Easy’. Welfare Queen advertises her action figure.

Carmen and co sing on a benefit song/psa which is taste free and features bad singing about kidnapping. Bash and Sam play dirty old men in raincoats. Shelia romances and eats a goat. Fortune Cookie and Beirut are sidekicks. There is a dance number and a ‘safe’. This was very good and in the end, it turns out Justine’s mother was watching the show.

Best Lines:
“My poor missing baby!”

“Sweat the sorrows away!”

“Of course nyet. I am frigid and barren like Siberian tundra.”

“Board the next goat for America.”

“It worked on the rubber chicken!”

“They cancelled ‘Charles In Charge’.”

“Evil fortress.”

“Go to there.”


“Black Magic fights because she’s horrible and mean.”

“More o less no.”

“Pioneer wedding quilt.”

“The ones you’ve got, let them get away.”

“The horn of war.”

“Find able bodied lover.”

Carmen comes up with a plot. Ruth gets a man. Bash learns Florian is dead. Sam wants to hook up with Ruth. There is faux wood panelling and a rubber plant and gumball machines. Welfare Queen wants to be the next Whoopi Goldberg. Melrose wears underwear as clothes. Tiny shorts are worn and Britannica has a fan.

Justine’s awful mother shows up to berate. Debbie wears a silly hat. Bash and Debbie try to sell GLOW to buyers. Britannica turns out to be in the US illegally and faces deportation. Bash dresses like a leprechaun. Justine’s mother is unsavoury and she is left with little regard for Sam. There are hideous 1980s prom dresses and sap and an ugly perm and a huge phone. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Getting drunk in Anaheim.”

“Sends her chest hair clippings.”

“Going ironically.”

“Being murdered by a trash compactor.”

“At least give up cups.”

“Why don’t I have a stalker?”

Gotham 4x15

The Sinking Ship The Grand Applause
Bullock shrugs off his collective responsibility for everything. Bruce is an ass to Selina. Sofia tantrums. Penguin is no longer fearsome. This ep is not a joyous success. Bullock is opinionated. Lee has no morals and this was not extremely distinctive. One feels a discontinuance of interest in this show.

Butch is back. Lee is trash. Will the useless Riddler go away? Barbara and her latest wig annoys. Mr Freeze walks around with no shirt on. There is unconvincing looking ice. Where does Mr Freeze keep his wallet in his super-villain outfit? Gordon’s shot, a lot. Lee shoots Sofia, but she isn’t dead. Ra’s Al Ghul shows up dressed like a disco pimp.

Best Lines:
“That’s his yes face.”

“Mommy complex.”

“Do it the fun way.”

“Grundy smell like old dentures.”

“So that didn’t happen.”

Shades Of Blue 3x03

That Way Madness Lies
The bullet is lodged in Woz’s spine and he needs surgery. Woz’s son, Nate, questions events. Harlee’s mandcandy is buried. Nobody does self assessment. Woz has no respect at the funeral. Nobody does a critical reappraisal of themselves. Woz menaces a child.
Harlee is impaired by grief and PTSD. Woz treats every question like an accusation. There is a salutary reminder of people’s awfulness. Harlee regrets her fateful meeting with Woz and how he’s been a profound influence on her life. Stahl lurks. The FBI don’t listen. A drug mule is in peril. Christina tantrums. Nate suspects Woz. Pomp is mentioned. Woz is his own worst enemy. The Pomp storyline has gone quiet. The hooker is creepy. Loman intimidates people. Woz cruises and gets violent.

Best Lines:
“You should have run.”

“I’ll hold down the florist. You grab a phone book.”

“Your gut is your best warning system.”

“I failed at a few promises.”

“I’m very twitchy!”

“Empty the clip?”
“Until he goes down.”

“Funny how you’re not surprised about this.”

White Collar 3x05

Veiled Threat
This was boring, stupid, illogical and terrible. The FBI looks into a Black Widow (Madchen Amick). Peter wants to enforce social norms. Season 3 is inglorious. Peter’s wife is incredibly tolerant of him. The town house Neal lives in is like something from ‘Scooby-Doo’. There is no dramatic crescendo. Neal tries to be smooth but is just annoying. Nobody is ethically grounded. One gets the feeling Tim DeKay demanded this ep be written. This was not compelling or coherent. There is an instant marriage proposal. This was sappy.

Best Lines:
“Piece of meat number 2.”

“Like I pay taxes.”

“Looking for Phil. Phil Landerer.”

Killed By My Debt (2018)
This BBCIII drama is based on a true story. A young man gets a job as a courier only to get into unplayable debt. His bike breaks down and he doesn’t ask for help. He is given a loan for a new bike. On screen graphics show how little take home pay he has due to expenses and debts and traffic fines he doesn't pay. Did he read his handbook? A bailiff shows up to seize his assets. He doesn’t deal with his issues or his health. It ends in tragedy. This bored.

Best Lines:
“Career handbook.”

“Controlled goods.”

“Dead mileage.”