April 12th, 2018


6 TV Reviews

Gotham 4x01

Pax Penguin
Bruce dresses up like a gimp and beats people up. A tacky wedding (money in bowls, cutting the cake with a chainsaw and a bad 80s cover band) is robbed. Alexander Siddig is in the cast despite Ra‘s Al Ghul talking a walk. Penguin receives cautious approval for licensing crime. Bruce wants Selina’s womanly place.

3 months have passed since season 3. Batbrat Bruce has formidable self belief. Scarecrow is bothered by crooks, which is a bad idea so he acts out and Cillian Murphy’s take on the role is copiously ripped off. Gordon whines about social consequences and frightening new developments in social norms.

There is gas, negative behaviours and Gordon constantly admonishes Bullock. Baddies have hostile intent and there are fist fights. Bruce and Selina act like they are 50. Gordon thinks he’s wise and revered. Tabitha and Selina beat people up. Penguin is in highest favour, again. But not for long. Crime unnervingly coils through the city or something. Ivy lurks. Riddler is frozen in ice in Penguin’s club which once upon a time was Fish’s club.

Best Lines:
“Next time you can get punched in the face.”

“We mustn’t call them loonies.”

“That’s not a denial.”

“Go to the cinema like normal teenagers.”

“He’s dead remember? Not that that matters much in this town anymore.”

“Described as cowards and pond scum.”

“Ivy? Go somewhere else.”

Shadowhunters 2x01-2x03

This Guilty Blood
Jace is battered by the crazy abusive Valentine. The opening credits are naff. Alec monotones and can’t act. Jocelyn monotones as does the unhelpful gurning Bane. This tries for jarringly serious. The Clave show up. Valentine wears a bad wig in a flashback. Bane is a jackass. The Clave turns on Jace. There is an eerie absence of quality and some fatally ill-advised choices are made. People sport bad hairdos. Simon bores. Alec’s mother turns on Jace. Alec is manipulated by the creepy Bane. Jocelyn has moral terror of Jace. There are shirtless scenes and hand flapping. Vampires show up. Jocelyn tries to murder Jace with a crossbow which is a capper to this terrible ep.

Best Lines:
“One of our own has joined him.”

“Get off my docks!”

“Your stick all ready to go.”

A Door Into The Dark
Jocelyn shrieks and justifies herself. Will Simon get lost? Jocelyn wails that she is a victim. The Clave order enforcer bores. Jocelyn claims her baby son wilted some flowers by looking at them, ooh scary. Lydia sneers. The show loses more credibility. Alec is into castigation. Clary is unpopular.

There are unfriendly werewolves and no concept of emotional comprehension or detail morality. Bane tells Simon to man up. Clary goes back to art school, briefly. Jocelyn is the worst. The acting is really really bad. Simon quips and whines. Aspersions are cast. There is hot anger. This was blithering nonsense. Simon is an idiot. Bane is awful. Dot whines. There are no heightened tensions. Jocelyn’s absence of sentiment goes on. Clary ignores an imperilled werewolf.

Best Lines:
“Evil flower killing monster.”

“There’s no place for you here.”

“Nobody told me.”
“That wasn’t an accident.”

Parabatai Lost
So far season 2 causes a paucity of interest and this ep doesn’t change that. There are flashbacks to Alec and Jace and their bond. Kid Jace isn’t blonde. The worst is readily believed of Jace. Simon ignores his mother. Jace and Clary got separated after finding each other in 2x02.

This is not a deeply harrowing emotionally taxing experience. There are fateful misunderstandings and Bane whines. Jace is wildly unstable and faces damning moments. This ep is not even pleasantly forgettable or exquisite tedium. There is romantic ennui and this is all polished blandness.

The unfriendly werewolves lurk. Luke’s an idiot. This was not haunting or vivid or fiercely inventive. This was an abject failure. Jace faces manner correction by the Clave. Luke and Jocelyn are jerks. Jace faces forced isolation. Poor Jace.

The Assassination Of Gianni Versace 2x07

This ep is nigh unwatchable. Bold defiance is not what Andrew has. Donatella heaves her chest. Ugly 90s shirts are worn by Ricky Martin. Once upon a time Andrew had an actual job. There is snobbery about ice cream. Andrew applies to be a rent boy and has to whip it out at the interview and show off his arms and teeth. He’s turned down for being Asian and becomes self-employed. Donatella wears a sexy dress. There are lies and threats of violence. Gianni attention seeks. No.

Best Lines:
“All of this will rest on you.”

“Make it yours.”

“A lot of men have bought me nice things.”

“He bought me nice things.”

“How big?”

“I am the dinner table conversation.”

“Being what people want.”

Timeless 2x02

The Darlington 500
People run around in 1955. Wyatt talks excessively. Flynn’s locked up and bitter. People babble about NASCAR. The new baddie babbles and is boring. A sleeper agent lurks in 1955 and has a wife and unborn child. He was sent on a suicide mission Emma snots. Mason is useless and is berated.

Rittenhouse is not in the mood for improving relations. The heroes meet a lovable rogue. Emma has predatory precision. Rittenhouse has no procedural morality. Wyatt pulls a backstory out of his ass. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Creepy cult manifesto.”

“You guys really are coastal elites.”

“What are they doing here?”

“Communist? In South Carolina?”

“Run Detroit. Which you know in 55, was still a big deal.”

“Become a global joke.”

“I used to pray my dad would run off.”

The Americans 5x05

Lotus 1-2-3
Wheat is obsessed over. Nobody asks what about those who can’t eat wheat. Philip remembers his childhood as he bangs his mark. She keeps her slip on. Henry is revealed to be a gifted student. Philip and Elizabeth are stunned. Stan and his woman go to see ’Romancing The Stone’ and they drive a station wagon. Philip thinks Stan’s woman is a Russian plant. Is she? Misha does not get to meet Philip but is sent back. Joyless porn sex is had. Paige got Matthew and isn’t happy. Oleg is offered vag. Wigs and fake beards are sported. This was dull, even as Philip and Elizabeth learn they got something wrong.

Best Lines:
“Busy and irritated.”

“No Russian! Not here!”

“Meat soup.”

“He mentioned it vaguely.”

Doubt 1x05

Not A Word
Sadie defies the court as her co-workers defend a child killer. Sadie wears white to show her moral purity. Nick bothers a woman. The lawyers won’t tell a woman where her dead son is and sneer about their morality. Sadie humps the creepy Billy. A rape victim is shamed. Sadie sneers and mocks an eyewitness, who is Billy’s sister. This show sucks.
Illya K

Movie Review: Those Glory Glory Days (1983)

This TV movie originally aired as part of Channel 4’s ‘First Love’ series. It begins as the sole female football pundit faces sexism and then she is given a lift to Fleet Street by her childhood hero. She recalls how she and her 3 childhood friends were big Spurs fans back in 1961. This tries but has no emotional pathos.

This was grim and there are unflinching chav accents. This was not shocking, harrowing or hard to watch. There is talk of HP sauce and the girls are woefully underprepared for life. This was futile. The heroine’s parents have a cold war never fully or coherently explained. The friends babble about The Double.

There is class snobbery and no naturalistic portrayals of ordinary British life. There is no naturalistic, realistic portraiture. Acting is so understated as to be non-existent. This was unremittingly dull as the gawky looking heroine causes social embarrassment by being tragic and faintly ludicrous.

Nobody has common decency. Adults have shifty eyed silence. The heroine is unbound by social convention causing chaos and embarrassment by her love of football. She causes chaos in Home Ec class by starting a fight. The heroine and her friends are genuinely deranged with rampant hatred of Arsenal. This provokes no awe and wonder.

The heroine is stupid and oblivious to her parents. Logic and reason are soundly ignored. This TV movie is bereft of purpose. The heroine, Julia, and her pals Toni, Jailbird and Tub plot to get Cup tickets. Julia is selfish and her parents are banally loathsome but she does get a lift from Danny Blanchflower in the end.

Best Lines:
“A Shilling’s a lot of money.”

“Do we live on the docks?”

“Pedestrian crossing lobby.”

“I’ve got important people to see.”

“Ballet’s yuch!”
“No it’s not! No it’s not!”

“Footballer’s blow their noses and look at it!”

“God kicking a football.”

“Pink brushed nylon.”

“Wear the name of your favourite Spurs player on your bra. If applicable.”

“Don’t know what I had to go through last night at the Women’s Guild!”

“Not the respectable married women’s vote!”

“Pen-friends programme.”

“What’s man’s going to want that?”
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Sergio Balleseros

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

The Meg’ trailer
Jason Statham v shark! A huge shark bothers an undersea research lab. A living fossil shark believed to have been extinct for 2 million years swims around. A giant octopus shows up and a yorkie with a bow in its pelt goes swimming. Chomp on this! I think I’ll see this.

Best Lines:
“How big is that?”

“Did you guys ever watch ‘Shark Week‘?”

‘Let’s Get Physical’ promo

‘Humans’ season 3 promo

‘The Guernsey Literary And Potato Peel Society’ TV spot

‘Trainwreck’ promo
“Puerto Rican Gollum.”

Crousti’Pause cacao Noisettes - yum.

Who read ‘Sole Survivor’ by Dean Koontz?

Who saw ‘Evil Toons’ (1991) or ‘The Return Of Swamp Thing’ (1989)?

What is a tea latte?

Read casting info for ‘Arrow’ and ‘Star Trek: Discovery’.

There will be a ‘Worzel Gummidge’ reboot and a remake of ‘Jagged Edge’? WHY?

‘DenOfGeek’ Quote:
“Only middle class houses have halls,”

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“Lazy stealing unemployed violent moocher.”

‘Rugby’s Funniest Moments’ Quotes:
“Is, we think, a politician.”

“Mop headed loon.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“An escalation of the event.”

“Perceived consequences.”

“Had the interpersonal understanding of a toad.”

“You aren’t entitled to their presence and their faithfulness and their love.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Boundary disputes.”

‘3 News’ Quotes:
“Related to him as fact.”

“Less accidental.”

“Not to be believed or trusted.”

‘RTE News’ Quotes:
“Without a single bond of friendship.”

“Regime termination.”

‘The Times’ Quotes:
“A form of disgrace.”

“Bear me beyond yonder moat.”

“The entire nation having to wait on tenterhooks for the final instalment of an Agatha Christie drama screened weekly on BBC rather than immediately disgorged on to iplayer.”

“Received wisdom.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: it is the all Ste, all the time show. Peri is still missing, Ryan fakes being crazy and Harry is out of jail and fawning over Ste. Ryan boasts to Farrah that he killed Kim. Farrah is horrified and Ryan is smug. Kyle shows off his chav tattoos and Ryan has a burning desire for notoriety. Ste’s back on drugs and yet still has custody of his kids. Farrah’s angry. Kim’s not dead yet, she seems to be eating flies.

Best Lines:
He hurt mummy!”

“Partner? Are we in a western?”

Book Reviews: Meddling Kids + The Queens Of Innis Lear

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero
This is an excellent spoof of ‘Scooby Doo’ and various Enid Blyton tropes. In 1977 4 kids and their dog unmasked another low life fortune hunter masquerading as a monster. And he would have got away with it too if not for those meddling kids.

In 1990 the grown up ex kid detectives are haunted by their last case and events that cannot be explained by a man in a mask. Andy is prone to violence, Kerri threw away her career, Nate is in an asylum and their former leader Peter is dead. The surviving ex kid detectives and Tim (the great grandson of the original canine member of their club) return to the small town where is seems malign activities never ceased.

With a narrative penchant for comedy and an existentially threatening problem lurking, this is an endearing read full of dry nonchalance, idiotic over-confidence, imminent threat, inexplicable events and a terrifying reality. This is a savagely funny and ingenious book.

Best Lines:
“No theatrical soul had etched an agonizing KEEP OUT on an ineptly crafted wooden sign; no vultures or forgotten human skulls livened the place.”

“Resurrection is impossible.”

“The kids who spent their childhood running from losers in costumes.”

“He was still growling threats at the door. And the worse part was something was threatening back from the other side.”

“A star beyond the explored universe.”

“A story that seemed not to have caught them completely by surprise.”

The Queens Of Innis Lear by Tessa Gratton
This fat fantasy novel inspired by ‘King Lear’ is a suffocatingly dour, badly written, boring piece of dreck that is full of love withdrawn, lurid predictions, lingering resentment, emotional blankness and people murdering their way to infamy. I felt abhorrence for this shattering disappointment.

Best Line:
“The king is not so noble as he pretends.”
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