April 3rd, 2018

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Z For Zachariah + To Brave Alaska + 2 others

Z For Zachariah (2015)
The last woman on Earth is not alone. Based on the teen post-apoc novel this stars Margot Robbie and Chris Pine. John, an angry gun toting man shows up and gets sick from bathing in contaminated water. Ann (Robbie) has to care for him in the valley which protected her family farm from the apocalypse. Ann is alone. Her family went to look for other survivors and never came back.

John helps her but he also plays with guns. Ann fishes and swims and shows off her shaved legs. He plans to make a water wheel. There are chickens, a looted store and the man gets drunk and angry and wants to repopulate with Ann. He manipulates her. Then another survivor Caleb (Pine) shows up.

Did John kill Ann’s brother who left the valley never to return? Caleb (Pine) talks of another town with survivors. People discuss fallout but was there a war? If so who attacked? There are wild turkeys. Both men want Ann. What happened to the dog? This is very different to the book. What happened to Caleb? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Your wagon thing.”

“Burn my clothes, my body too if I die.”

“That was our duty.”

“They died out.”

~
To Brave Alaska (1996)
A couple (Alyssa Milano and some dude) struggle to survive in the Alaskan wilderness after some ill-conceived life choices. This was okay.

~
The Chase (1994)
Okay.

~
Idle Hands (1999)
Poo.
Kylo Ren

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Ordeal By Innocence’ 1x02 promo
Violence! Sex! Mmmm!

‘In The Long Run’ promo
No.

Made fondue - okay.

Who saw ‘Jesus Of Nazareth’ (1977) or ‘Shooter’ (2007) or ‘1941’ (1979) or ‘The Basketball Diaries’ or ‘Quigley Down Under’ or ‘Nightbreed’?

Statement slides are a thing?

What is cocoa-powder mousse? What is quiet food? What is wild-garlic emulsion? What are cured eggs?

The flic-flac spider is freaky.

The Raw Vegan diet sounds awful.

I won’t read ‘Strange The Dreamer’, ‘The Treatment’, ‘The Town That Forgot How To Breathe’, ‘House Of Secrets’, ‘Shell Game’, ‘The Best And The Brightest’, ‘Boy Heaven’, ‘The Sinner’, ‘Confessions Of The Very First Zombie Slayer’, ‘Night Things’, ’The Last Harvest’, ’Cradle Lake’ or ‘The Little Woods’.

They’ve turned the 2013 short film ‘Cargo into a Martin Freeman movie? No thanks.

I’d try jalapeno ketchup and cactus margaritas.

‘The New Yorker’ Quotes:
“Fitness fascist.”

“His Gaze obscure and empty.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Was there ever going to be another genetic outcome.”

“Flavour boosters.”

“A hate crime against food.”

“Low nasal impact.”

“Her feet sore from cheap high heels.”

“Unenviable reputation as an angry drunk with poor judgement.”

“Grim, unhappy confrontation.”

“No children have been born here for over 1,000 years.”

“The last living remnant of the Byzantine empire, which collapsed more than 500 years ago.”

“He is in a grim mood after being assigned potato-peeling duties.”

“Unbothered by public notice.”

“Too old to fix.”

‘Roseanne’ Quotes:
“What’s up deplorable?”

“Straight to the violence.”

‘Countdown To Calvary’ Quotes:
“Reinforcements were weeks away.”

“Premier responsibility.”

“God’s plan for history.”

“National repentance.”

“Alive with messianic expectation.”

“Turned him mad.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Changing borders by force.”

“Global order.”

‘Blackadder The Third’ Quotes:
“Fat flatulent git.”

“A lodge meeting of the guild of village idiots.”

“Solar sojourn.”

“Post Norman tongue.”

‘Autopsy’ Quotes:
“Camden chancer.”

“Gopher on a Lily Allen video.”

‘Eastenders’ Quotes:
“Go home with anyone who’d buy you a bag of crisps.”

“A drunken mouthy tart!”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Cleo is bulimic and shagging Joel but Sienna isn’t having that. The deranged vendetta against James goes on. Grace is abused by Glen. Is Kim dead?

Best Lines:
“He thinks even less of you than I do!”

“Demented little hobgoblin!”

Illya K

Batman White Knight 3&5 Reviewed

Batman White Knight 3
Fake Harley puts on actual clothes and becomes the Neo-Joker. There is incoherent action as baddies rampage. The library Jack Napier donated to Backport is destroyed in a Batman villain fight. Batgirl yells Batman’s real name in public. Jack refers to Joker as an alternate personality.

Jack organised the attack on his library to uncover a secret. Alfred is conveniently not comatose at an important moment. How big is the Batcave? How many toys does Batman have? Alfred dies. Dick says Jason Todd was Robin before him. Why doesn’t Batgirl know about Jason Todd? Why are Bruce and Dick so estranged? Nobody has moral bearings. Muggers try to mug Jack and Harley.

Batman and his macho dramatics is unrelentingly awful. Nobody has faith, integrity or resolve. Jack shrugs off his prior bad acts and may have dark motives. Batgirl acts against all reason. Dick is despondent. Is Clayface dead? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He was awful at it.”

“There’s nothing protecting Gotham city from Batman.”

“Aikido and boxing. I used to teach a course at Arkham. Sometimes to the guards. Against their will.”

“You were super-criminals up till a month ago.”

“Are you questioning my methods?”
“As a cop, no. But as a taxpayer, yes!”

~
Batman White Knight 5
Jack shows off his 8 pack and the pills he’s taking have side-effects. When did Harley learn to fight? Bruce and Dick yell and Bruce nearly punches Dick. Charming man. Much of Bruce’s discontent seems of his own making. He’s frequently terrible and into negative lifestyle behaviours and monstering Jack.

He is also irritating, infuriating, increasingly dissatisfied and full of emotional overreactions. His limiting expectations of Jack make him deeply unappealing. How can Batman arrest people? What happened to Jason Todd? Why is Batgirl always incessantly scolding? Batman heads towards ruination due to his avoidance of reality and other people.

Bruce ignores sustained criticism. Neo-Joker ignores the obvious hints of Bruce’s secret life when she storms Wayne Manor. Poison Ivy lurks and how did Wayne hide the blueprints of hidden tunnels throughout Gotham? Bruce confronts Poison Ivy, Neo-Joker and Mad Hatter in lingerie. Whose? How did he hide his batsuit under it?

How did he not know about the secret room in stately Wayne Manor? For the world’s greatest detective he is a bit dumb. Dick goes around in his mask and GTO outfit. This is good even if it untethered from past and current continuity. Baddies attack. Firefly looks different from her depiction in the ‘Gotham’ TV show. Batman interferes in a police chase and causes the destruction of a bridge. Mr Freeze has secrets and Bruce has rage issues.

Best Lines:
“Only you and I knew how bad he wanted to be.”

“Even after you put him in the hospital dozens of times,”

“I’ll see a doctor later.”
“I am a doctor!”

“Gotham’s losing patience with you!”

“Can’t you all see that violent, psychotic maniac for who he really is?”

“A secret room that hasn’t been opened for a while must have very stale, old air.”

“That was like a bad impression of a rich guy?”

“Nice robe.”
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Sergio Balleseros

Book Reviews: The Night Parade + Blood And Salt + Z For Zachariah

The Night Parade by Ronald Malfi
Humanity is being wiped out by a plague but a little girl is immune and her selfish berk father goes on the run. He is uncaring if humanity dies. This is a terrible boring novel. I hated it.

~
Blood And Salt by Kim Liggett
Ash sees visions that are connected to her mother’s crazed muttering about the cult she fled. Instead of seeing a shrink, Ash and her brother run away to the cult which is located in a cornfield. Cue instalove, death, bizarre rituals, death, lies, stupidity, magic, plotting and morons.

This is a tale of highly idealised love and cold-blooded intentions. One cannot once claim to have been remotely impressed by it. It fails to excite and the characters are devoid of all character and intelligence. This was all obvious duplicity, idiot decisions, idiot plotting, acceptance of random weirdness and cruel banality. This was weirdly insubstantial.

Best Lines:
“Stroller Nazis.”

“Our mom ran off to be a vessel for a cult. Oh, and by the way, she has a secret lab full of demonic crows?”

“An activity involving bacon grease, burlap sacks, and watermelons that I didn’t even want to contemplate.”

“For the briefest of moments, he almost looked like he wasn’t a total serial killer, but then he ruined it by trying to smile.”

~
Z For Zachariah by Robert C. O’Brien
This 1974 tells of a teenage girl who is alone after nuclear war and then a creepy stranger arrives to harasses her. The author died before finishing it but it was completed by his wife. This was okay.
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To Light The Way To Bed

Ordeal By Innocence (2018) 1x01 + Supergirl 3x11 Reviewed

Ordeal By Innocence (2018) 1x01
Finally BBC1 airs this reshot Agatha Christie 3-part adaptation. Christian Cooke of ‘Demons’ and ‘Trinity’ replaced Ed Westiwck. Rachel, a matriarch and heiress, is killed. There is blood and screaming. Her adopted son Jack is arrested and claims an alibi but no-one listens. Did he kill his mother? He spits and does Joker laughs which don’t help his case. He dies in jail and his adoptive sisters wear black veils. Rachel (Anna Chancellor of ’Suburban Shootout’) kept adopting children and was a 1950s version of Mia Farrow.

18 months pass and her widower Leo (Bill Nighy) is to remarry. This has nice opening credits. Leo’s bimbo secretary turned fiancée (Alice Eve) is not liked due to being shrill and hateful. Leo’s son in law (Matthew Goode of ‘Watchmen’) is in a wheelchair and is abusive to his wife and works out with his shirt off.

Mickey (Cooke) shows up, he’s into self harm. No one explains how Goode gets around the house which is not wheelchair accessible. Mickey is not liked, he ran off to the Korean War to get away from his family. A man claming to be Jack’s alibi shows up. He has a convoluted story for where he has been since 1954.

No-one believes him or thanks him for the alibi. Alcohol is hidden in toilet cisterns. Flashbacks reveal that Rachel was abusive and caused social stressors. The adoptive siblings have issues and no mutual regard. What sort of person was Jack that his guilt was an unquestioned assumption? This is a bleak melodrama in which people creep menacingly. The new wife to be is a brasser. Rachel was emotionally gruelling and emotionally sparse. There are no prettified, old world trimmings here.

One watches with appalled fascination. Mickey bothers alibi man and acts like a Very Cool Indie Type. People have mournful attitudes. The wife to be wears whore clothes, there are moral lapses and no nostalgia triggers. The family have persecution fantasies and vitriolic opposition to alibi man. Matthew Goode’s character is a money grubbing morphine addict who is fawned over by his wife Mary. He’s grossly disquieting. The wife to be wears an obvious wig. There is jealousy inspired scorn.

Flashbacks show how Rachel was awful to her adoptive daughter Mary on her wedding day. There is angry smoking. Rachel had rages that happened when her children didn’t follow the script she had for them in her own mind. Was she or her husband barren? Matthew Goode’s character is voraciously terrible and is paralysed due to a drunk driving accident. A pervy cop lurks. A put-upon servant is put upon. Albert the alibi man has secrets.

Matthew Goode pot-stirs and Gwenda the wife to be smirks. Is Arthur really who he says he is? Flashbacks show bloodstains where there shouldn’t have been.  This was good and intriguing.

Best Lines:
“It’s my house now.”

“She’s a tart.”

“Catches me up his fiancée.”

“Gold-digging slut.”

“This is your new daddy.”

“A tweed suit and winter brogues. In July?”

“Did you lose it? In the arctic?”

“My face is at crotch level.”

“I don’t want to be your friend.”

“No one hated her more than you.”

“Don’t come back.”

“Little unwanteds. Landed with their bums in the butter.”

“How typically charming of him.”

“Nasty little bastard.”

“So deliciously squalid.”

~
Fort Rozz
Kara harasses Livewire to go with her on a mission to Fort Rozz, which is in space now. People blather about a blue star. Kara recruits some baddie named Psi and Mon-El’s bint wife Saturn Girl to her team. Kara can’t see who Reign is. Saturn Girl annoys. Where is James? Winn is thick. Who is Psi? Why is Mon-El on this show? He’s useless. The extremely volatile individuals hang out with the pathologically vindictive Kara.

Mon-El is an insurmountable problem. Alex is in domestic purgatory as she baby-sits Ruby. Mon-El causes tangible annoyance. Saturn Girl and her stupid accent exudes malice. Lena has one scene. Sarah Douglas has a brief guest role. Baddies refuse to repent.

This was okay even if there is no evident reason for this ep to exist. Kara has forced jollity even as she is made cowed and weak by the blue star. Reign is criticised relentlessly by her Fortress. Reign has a ship? Mon-El is ineradicable. Nobody has cogent conversation. Alex has boring romantic despair over Maggie. There is no implicit trust and Psi is a Jeri Ryan wannabe.

The show is good humoured without actually making you laugh. There is no fandom ingration. The gang aren’t principled or consistent despite complicating matters. Brainiac 5 doesn’t want what Winn’s offering. Kara thinks Reign needs a correction.

Alex bullies a teenager who bullied Ruby. Winn blathers about Voyager 2. Kara meets a priestess (Douglas). Reign freaks out thanks to Psi. Livewire sadly dies. Nobody cares. Sam wails about losing time and nobody connects this to her being Reign. I enjoyed this.

Best Lines:
“The Power, the Pestilence, the Purity.”

“The dark fog.”

“Lowley came.”

“And yet you ask.”

“My toast is wet!”

“I LOATHE YOU!”

“That GLOW reject.”

“Bring anguish upon our enemies.”

“Nice tiara.”