March 29th, 2018

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Kolobos + 3 others

Kolobos (1999)
In the days of VHS, this sat on the shelf, waiting always waiting to be rented. It was not worth the wait. This has nice music which is a total rip-off of Goblin’s ‘Suspira’ OST. This looks low budget and is full of bad acting. 5 people are invited to a house to be filmed on VHS for an experimental film. The characters are all idiotic dirty little hamsters who pursue a bad course of action and make everybody not like them.

The terrifically jolly housemates hang out in this monumental fiasco which makes no sense and has no honesty, rawness, fervour or mild whiff of danger. The gang go ape over a 90s big screen TV which isn’t very big at all. There is bad music, Prozac jokes and a mentally ill housemate is bullied. This film came from satan’s black, hell-besmeared, farting hole.

This is not fearsome and the mentally ill girl is heroically solemn and full of ignored emotional pain. Another girl starred in a series of slasher movies which she brought with her (on VHS) for the housemates to watch. They are laboured guff, much like this film. They watch her operatic and overblown slashers and there is death and the gang realise they’ve been recruited for a snuff film or something. There are twists. The doors and windows are sealed and a metal plate lines the roof. So how is there air?

There is irritating yelling. This was murky and badly lit as the housemates collectively lose all sanity. Who or what is the killer and why are they doing this? It is never clear. This has no efficiency and was made with limited vision. Only one person survives and nobody really looks into or listens to their story. Police and medics are so apathetic it is unbelievable. I suppose this could be worse, I could be watching ‘Solo’.

Anyway the final person walks out of a hospital and nobody cares and there are more twists and we are left to wonder if anything actually happened. Was this a ‘Usual Suspects’ rip-off? Is the final person a nutter? Do they lack all basic social decency? Bad wound makeup is seen and a newspaper ad is written up on a typewriter and an old fashioned phone is seen. Linnea Quigley of ‘The Barn’ is in this somewhere. This was not good and made no sense.

Best Lines:
“Contaminated fork or something.”

I’m paid entertainment. Just like you.”

“Whacky shack.”


“Shrine to testosterone.”

“Freaks and psychos live.”

“Make a great Springer episode.”

“Land him a woman of the non blow-up variety.”

“What are we watching again?”
“The Slaughterhouse Factor.”

“The Slaughterhouse Factor Part 6: The Final Slaughter.”

“She’s got a fork in her neck!”

“Which one are we on?”
“The Slaughterhouse Factor Part 3: Death Strikes Thrice.”

“Avoiding panic by maintaining rational thought.”

“Oh that’s convenient.”

“The lasers are off.”

“Distilled into 90s lingo.”

Meet The Applegates (1990)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Dreck with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

The Borrowers (1997)
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Sergio Balleseros

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Come Home’ 1x02 promo

Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark’ (1990) Video Game ad
Want to play around?

‘Indian Summer School’ promo

‘Rampage’ TV spot
Hell no.

Baileys chocolate - ugh.
Watermelon Jolly Rancher Chews - ugh.

I’ll review ‘Warrior Enchantresses’, ‘Tragedy Girls’, ‘The Rift’ and ‘Gotham’ season 4.

So ‘New Mutants’ and ‘X-Men: Dark Phoenix’ have been delayed. Mmmm.

‘Supernatural’ has been renewed again, why?

Who saw ‘Spookies’ (1986) or ‘Scalpel’ or ‘The Apple Dumpling Gang’ or ‘The Emperor’s New Groove’ (2000)?

What is pistachio cream?

‘Gotham’ is doing the 1999 comic storyline ‘No Man’s Land’?

Who read ‘Bonjour Tristesse’ or ‘The Slipper’?

Recall the ‘She Ra: Princess Of Power’ comic?

‘Vulture’ Quotes:
“Compel the desired performance.”

“Not a bad actor - just not good enough.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Negation of that function.”

“Kinship care.”

“Rapid extraction of casualties.”

“Big yellow medical waste bin which was an object of fascination for our neighbours.”

“Scripted dialogue and mimicry of social manners.”

“Present a palatable, manageable version of themselves.”

“Preparing for such a revelation.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Relationship with you was bad for her.”

“Hushed by the threat of prison.”

“Money socks.”

“An alleged thug.”

“Tell the truth, tell all of it, tell it straight away.”

“The tone plummets.”

“Demands loyalty above rationality.”

“Trapped in his own irony.”

“Clearly going places, though he hadn’t gone there yet.”

‘Dave Allen At Peace’ Quote:
“Cheeking me with a look.”

‘RTE News’ Quote:
“Uncontested revelations.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“These mistakes keep happening.”

‘Mountain: Life at The Extreme’ Quote:
“A prison they can never leave.”

‘Kitty And The Midnight Hour’ Quotes:
“How do I get a werewolf to attack me?”
“Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face,”

‘Primal’ Quote:
“Destined never to leave the island.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: TPTB can’t do nunaced portrayals pf psychosis. Adam is now a gangster throwing away his affable demeanour by threatening GBH and burning down the McQueen house. The morally repugnant Ryan is a sexually deviant pervert with malicious intent.

Illya K

5 TV Reviews

Century City 1x04

Sweet Child Of Mine
A couple sue a fertility doctor because their unborn child may be gay. The firm defends the doctor from the couple‘s demand for 20 million dollars. This is a big deal in 2030? This ep is so aggressively sexist and homophobic; one wonders why none of the cast or crew objected. The sexist makes homophobic comments and the VP is gay apparently. There are voice activated computers and a guest appearance by a pre ‘Person Of Interest’ Sarah Shahi.

The sexist wants to hire an assistant and gets a hologram assistant. He has no friends. The sexist complains about whining women and is manifestly unfit to be employed. The future causes manifest social problems and TPTB have no integrity or wisdom. The couple are viperous and have vicious hostility to their potentially gay baby. Again: this is 2030. Nothing in this ep is roughly plausible.

Meanwhile in the other case of the week, the firm defends a man who burgled his ex and is now suing her. Enrico Colantoni plays a homophobe lawyer representing the anti-gay couple. There are smart apartments, hair generators, nanopants and smart pillows. The burglar ex claims he wants his personhood back. This ep and this show are full of rampant sexism but the homophobia is really dialed up. No wonder this was universally unloved because it is a hard hideous grind to watch.

TPTB made really bad decisions. Viola Davis’ character is told the gay population is declining due to people genetically modifying their babies. The fertility doctor (Richard Thomas of ‘The Waltons’ and ‘The Americans’) wants to save the gay population. Viola Davis acts in foaming at the mouth style. I’m not investing my sympathy and belief in this.

Nestor wears a yellow jewel tone shirt and a cornflower blue tie. There is no logic or rationality. There is bad acting. The homophobe lawyer spews pointedly mean slights and homophobia. This ep was dismal. The burglar’s ex wants him back which is an excuse for him to attack her for how awful a person SHE is. FFS!

The homophobe tool yells that parents shouldn’t be coerced into having a gay baby and says it is their right to have pure personal bias if they want. I sense an author tract. The homophobes get damages of 1 dollar. This show deserves grotesque infamy. It is the product of PC hating tools. Lucas (Ioan) wants to attract sexual attention from the genetically modified lawyer. He is married. 4 eps in and at last we learn his name and that he is a cheater.

There are glass storage systems like in ‘Minority Report’. Viola Davis’ character tried for kids? Wanted kids? It isn’t clear. She has a cry. No wonder this was axed, it did not deal with troubling moral and social phenomenon, it was one.

Best Lines:
“Lipid profile.”

“Spend every waking second plotting your demise.”

“You took the front door?”

“How many innocent mistakes have there been?”

“He stole my 6 year old’s teddy bear!”

“Dating losers.”

“Give me back my nanopants!”

“Nobody wanted them.”

“Shut her up!”

Come Home (2018) 1x01
This BBC1 drama centres on Greg (Christopher Eccleston) who is trying to cope after his wife Marie walked out on him and their 3 kids after 19 years for no reason. This has okay opening credits. Marie feels morally right about leaving and is cold and uncaring. She won’t talk to Greg or see her children. Why is she so awful? Flashbacks make things no clearer.

This was dull and not unflinchingly honest. I scarcely tolerated this. Greg shows his emotional upset by going out on cringe-making internet dates and hooking up with some loudmouth random. He stalks Marie and there is a hilarious police encounter and Marie is just the worst.

Best Lines:
“Did intimate things to each other.”

“Where ya going?”

“If you pay me.”
“I already pay you. Food and light and heating.”

“Jesus not Mel and Kim.”

“Why should she need space?”

“No reason that’s anywhere close to good enough.”

“The three children you no longer see.”

The Assassination Of Gianni Versace 1x05

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Ricky Martin can’t act as he plays Versace’s grasping slampiece who is value neutral. Donatella has matchstick legs and wears an ugly loud jacket. Andrew is a negative influence and has unreasonable social expectations and is incapable of being calm and considered. We see Andrew in his knickers shooting up. There is no serious reflection and little consideration is given to entertainment.

People have moral objections to Andrew and his presumption and untruths. This is not emotionally raw and has no quiet yearning. Andrew lies with chilling frequency. This is not a good tale of wrenching despair and loss. Andrew makes irrevocable decisions. He is pretentious and wildly over ambitious with unrealized aspirations and assailed pride. This was uninformative.

The disreputable Andrew is emotionally abusive. This was not dark and austere. Andrew thinks he’s splendidly provocative. He is reviled and he has gothic secrecy and does manipulation of human desires. He is inherently violent and has fierce commitment to lying. Can TPTB remind us what excitement feels like?

There are flashbacks to 1995 and Andrew’s future victim Jeff faces gay-bashing in the navy. He slices a tattoo off and loses his career. He would be murdered by Andrew in 1997. Poor Jeff.

Best Lines:
“I know my place. Unlike you.”

“Surrounded by beauty and kindness.”

“He’s got no-one, he’s got nothing.”

“Do you even like him?”

“He’s lonely.”
“For a reason.”

“Who cares about that?”

“They don’t want you.”

“No one wants your love!”

“I’m done with you!”

Doubt 1x03

Poison Prize
A psychic is tried for conning a man out of thousands and Sadie is unethical whilst defending the case of a hacker. The ideologically fixed lawyers are instinctively hostile to sense. There is bad acting. Sadie has an obsessive tendency to annoy. The plots make no sense. Sadie is not amenable and is a fight instigator. Sadie tries for moral revenge and ruins the DA’s career. The firm sets free criminals. The accused murderer treats Sadie with callous contempt. No wonder this was axed.

Best Lines:
“Find your anger.”

“Deferred dream.”

The Americans 5x03

The Midges
Philip and Elizabeth continue to look into a possible bio-weapon. They and their fake son go bowling with the defector family. Philip and Elizabeth are obsessed with wheat and feel they have moral reasons for what they do. Paige bores. Why are the scenes in the USSR so grey? Philip has flashbacks to his past. People talk and talk and talk. Martha is seen in Russia in a barely stocked shop.

Compassion is rejected. Stan and co bother a guy. People are sturdily watchful. There is no measured caution. Where is Pastor Tim? Everything is a life shattering problem. More wigs, hats, contacts and fake moustaches are worn. Philip’s son sneaks. This was unpleasant. There are no measured arguments. Philip and Elizabeth put the hurt on a dude due to salacious curiosity. This ep was not a showpiece.

Best Lines:
“We’re not a rich country.”

“Wheat eater.”

“You should have asked.”

“I ate garbage off the street.”
Sergio Balleseros

Pinko Heavy Metal Weirdoes

‘Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark’ (1988) is a cult classic.

Best Lines:
“Now we’ve dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement.”

“I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

“I just have to find another sleazeball!”

“I’m a volcano that’s ready to blow.”

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