January 28th, 2018

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Dundee’ teaser trailer
Danny McBride. Ha. The knife. Ha!

‘Dundee’ official trailer 2
Chris Hemsworth. The son of a legend returns home. Ha ha ha.

‘Star Trek: Discovery’ clip
Ah Lorca, you are a man of many secrets. How is it that the mirror universe uniforms are less tacky looking then the ‘real’ universe uniforms? Lorca has no contrition. The boundaries between fantasy and realism are transcended. Lorca shrugs off his armour of secrecy and Burnham has a strange look of interest while the mirror universe empress has intensity, pose and control. Violence is a worryingly prevalent attitude.

Best Lines:
“He’s suffering.”
“Let him.”

“Cross time and space itself to take what was rightfully his.”

“Don’t die on me you depraved bastard.”

“I need you to live.”

“None of this was an accident.”

‘Star Trek: Discovery’ clip
Burnham with a bad haircut, Sarek with naff eyebrows and a 70s collar and Michelle Yeoh trying for dignity. Mmmmm. No graciousness. This is meant to be a world both like and unlike ours where people survive by wit, cooperation and sacrifice and dream into existence new ways for people to live. TPTB try to be crafters of fierce focused fertile dreams. Burnham can’t speak responsibly.

‘Nowhere Boys’ promo

‘Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation’ opening credits
Alas poor Mozart.

‘Whoops Apocalypse’ (1986) promo

Milk chocolate Florentines - okay.
Tangy apple juice - okay.

I won’t read ‘Faking Friends’ or ‘Woman In The Window’.

I will review ‘The Fandom’ and ‘How To Hang A Witch’ and ‘The Enterprise Of Death’.

I’d try 34 day aged Black Angus beef fillet and a McNutella.

Who saw the 2004 ‘Earthsea’?

What was ‘Ben Casey’?

Anyone see ‘Hamburger: The Motion Picture’ (1986) or ‘Big Man On Campus’ (1989) or ‘Bunny O’Hare’ (1972)? Anyone see ’Vera Drake’ (2004) or ‘Cherry 2000’ or ‘Crawlspace’ (1986) or ‘Laserblast’ or ‘Dark Angel’ or ‘Crack House‘ (1989) or ‘The Chocolate War‘ (1988) or ‘About Schmidt‘ (2002) or ‘Cellar Dweller‘ (1988) or ‘The Video Dead‘ or ’Elephant’ (2003) or ‘Meet The Hollowheads‘ or ‘The Midnight Meat Train‘ (2008)?

The new ‘Cloverfield’ film is to go to Netflix? Boo!

There is vegan haggis?

Recall patterned brown carpets?

What is do-nothing farming?

Mala fides.

Who read ‘White Teeth’ or ‘Russian Language and People’?

Chocolate covered lichen is a thing? As is stilton ice-cream and bacon and egg ice-cream and marmalade on toast ice-cream?

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Vaguely insolent.”

“The assumption of first name terms.”


“Find safety without judgement,”

“Nutella riots.”

“An inflammatory effect.”


“External validation.”

“The misguided rulers of a damaged society speak very slowly while gazing through windows set in off-the-peg brutalist architecture.”

“Do not deserve to walk outside of a prison ever again.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Health conscious.”

“Watched the beautiful rewards go to the so called realists.”

“So self-contentedly, exclusively male,”

“You got away with princes and wizards in the 1960s and 70s.”

“Their achievements and influence acknowledged by the literary establishment, albeit belatedly.”

“Refused help.”

“The inevitable historic tweets surfaced.”

“Deep intersectional thinking.”

“Sitting next to the word “BROKE” spelled out in piles of $100 bills,”

“Unsustainable paroxysm of hyperinflation.”



“Bad people being bad.”


“Passive pursuit.”

“Destination: Someone Else’s Problem.”

“Struck in time.”

“Strong engagement.”

“Rarely allows himself to be seen or heard in public.”

“Linguistic awkwardness.”

“I’ve got the Twitter.”

“She took to be menacing.”

“An enigmatic cult figure with a fearsome reputation.”

“Recruit from the streets.”

“They all smoke dope and imagine women with no clothes on.”

“People still cross the road from me; I’ve still got that. I can clear a pub when I want to.”

“Biological understanding.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“I didn’t feel threatened to say no.”


‘Derry Girls’ Quotes:
“I do not know this person.”
“Ah, maybe just as well.”

“Big Russian ride.”

‘Meerkat Manor’ Quote:
“Alarm bark.”

‘Neighbours’ Quotes:
“My dodgy father.”

“Ah, bum.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“This is the only college acceptance letter I’ll ever hold.”

“You poor bastard.”

“Time for an unpleasant confrontation.”

‘Highlander: The Raven’ Quotes:
“Gorgeous, angry, Amanda likes him. Just my type.”

“She robs poor boxes!”

“He wants you dead.”
“A lot of people do.”

‘Wild Things’ Quote:
“Where’d she get those shoes? Whores-4-less?”

‘RTE News’ Quote:
“Heat rule.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“This war isn’t working.”


“Poor world-building.”

“Social condemnation.”

“Who does not want their work authenticated.”

“Casual social cruelty.”

The Fandom’ Quotes:
“The hottest guy ever to exist in a dystopian future.”

“”It’s one of the unwritten rules of all dystopian novels - love interests must have stupid names.”

“Everything starts with a capital letter, even it’s just a normal word, just to make it sound scary.”


Book Reviews:Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2017 part 5+ Haunting Of Torre Abbey+Last Mrs Parrish

The Year’s Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2017 edited by Paula Guran, part 5

Whose Drowned Face Sleeps
A poor response about susceptibility to cataclysm. No to this in which nothing so obvious as motivation is offered.

Best Line:
“Wall of rage.”

When The Stitches Come Undone
I’ve read this before; it’s a tale of a long ago day, a secret in the woods and a man who is not paranoiac. This is good. Horror is hyper local and there is an institutionalised acceptance of frenzied chaos and a grim question.

The Red Forest
A tale of Baba Yaga. A girl has a stealthy but seismic change as she vigorously desires to live. This is an okay tale of devilment, told with weary bitterness, restraint, pathos and monstrosity.

The Further Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes: The Haunting Of Torre Abbey by Carole Bugge
This 2000 novel has been reprinted; sadly it is just as bad as the author’s other Holmes novel ‘The Star Of India’. Holmes and Watson prance around the Devon countryside looking into a ghost. Nobody speaks or acts like a Victorian and there are innumerable Americanisms in this uninspired novel which reads like bad fanfic.

This defies conventions of narrative, language, character and genre by not having any. It is unflaggingly boring and un-nuanced. Characters are banal and this is of poor intellectual capacity. Era appropriate social codes and terms of address are in abeyance. This has sexism, racism and a resoundingly stupid ending.

Best Lines:
“Did not harbour good will toward me.”

“Has it finally come to this, then - Mr. Holmes investigating ghosts at country houses?”

The Last Mrs Parrish by Liv Constantine
Extremely obvious golddigger Amber decides to steal trophy wife Daphne’s husband Jackson. After all she deserves the good life and Daphne doesn’t. This ‘Gone Girl’ knock-off is written with no narrative skills and has no pacy denouement and the twist is obvious. Amber has no moral limits just psychotic mood swings.

This isn’t even gloriously embarrassing as Daphne and her ill-considered decisions is seemingly swept aside by the artful designing Amber. They head for a fateful, gloating battle over the ardent domestic affections of the cardboard cut-out Jackson. This is a tale of people whose external persona is an act and whose diverging futures are as murky as their morals.

Best Lines:
“First, she had to convince Jackson to leave them.”

“Back when he was kind - or pretended to be.”

“How do you like him now,”
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Sergio Balleseros

Movie Reviews: Broken Promise + Earthbound + The Terry Fox Story + 4 others

Broken Promise (1981)
In this wearingly generic TV movie, the Clawson family children are ditched at a gas station by their ghastly parents. They’re split up and beat up. Confrontational Patty wants to reunite her family. Chris Sarandon is in this unoriginal bore which tries for moral arcs, emotion and sober reflection. Sadly it is just laboured and dull.

Earthbound (1981)
A family of aliens who look like humans crash on Earth. This failed pilot sees the aliens meet a grandfather and his son and dodge
government agents. This was made by the same people who made ‘Hanger 18’. The aliens are left stranded on Earth and have a pet that looks like a monkey painted green. There is talk about a space window, their ship is stuck in a lake, the aliens have psychic powers and no wonder this sat on the shelf since 1979. There are non-strident conflicts and a dumb bully plot. This was not delirious silliness.

The Terry Fox Story (1983)
True story about a cancer sufferer who ran across Canada to raise money. Okay and Robert Duvall is in this.

Dream Lover (1994)
James Spader marries Madchen Amick and regrets it. This is neither smart nor diabolical and tries for a demented final twist.

Lockout (2012)
Not deeply harrowing and nobody has moral strength.

Clownhouse (1989)
Drab horror infamous for behind the scenes horror and abuse.

Chopping Mall (1986)
Terrible, tacky and cheap Barbra Crampton movie, stop her before she acts again.

Best Line:

What Fools These Mortals Be

Missing ‘Trinity’. I can’t believe this show is 10 years old. Where did Charlotte’s Christian friends from 1x01 go? People talk down out-dated phones. What was Richard Arc up to? There are dark rumours on campus and this was intensely enjoyable inspired silliness. Burberry is worn. Dorian does not marinate in moral dilemma, he’s salacious and unscrutinised. Why were we meant to tolerate useless characters like Maddy, Angus and Raj?

What was the bad guy’s shared intention? What was done to Jonty? Nobody cared about Charlotte and her sad life. Dorian and Jonty’s racism went unaddressed. Dorian was cold and calculated. Maltravers (Charles Dance) can sound friendly or threateningly and sometimes both together. The show never reached a clarity high point. Maltravers says everything menacingly. Why did the Dandelion Club get their own table in the dining room? Why was Richard Arc billy no mates? Dialogue offensive to taste was uttered. Damn you ITV2 for cancelling it.

Best Lines:
“The film movie?”

“Hippies and lesbians pounding at the gates.”

“Weird people.”

“Those who have it and those who earn it.”

“Interesting but ultimately demoralising.”

“Keep your sperm in the bag.”

Trinity MaltraversTrinity sad JontyTrinity sad Jonty2Trinity sad Jonty3
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Illya K

The Man From U.N.C.L.E 4x08 Reviewed

The Deadly Quest Affair
The baddie (Darren McGavin) acts so conspicuously that he cannot be trying to avoid attention. The show continues unabashedly chronicling the duo who have no seriousness of purpose. Solo is a perv and makes frequent craven pronouncements. Illya is kidnapped, again. This ep does not sully itself with logic. Another bad guy with a silly accent is without mercy. The dude kills his henchmen and holds Illya hostage to hunt Solo as part of a revenge quest.

Waverly looks bored. What is M.I.P net? Solo and Illya are entwined. A message is sent via a myna bird. The reprehensible baddie has perdurable indifference to sense. This ep has no rigour or clarity. Illya stoically sits radiating blistering scorn. The reunion movie never explained the wilderness years. But at least season 4 is look-forwardable-to after the nagging discontent of season 3.

A smirk inducing innocent wears a pricey necklace and tries for cosy charm. Why is she there? Season 3 was relentlessly wacky and universally derided. The nuisance innocent is LOUD and goes on about Solo’s primal thrust to his bemusement and annoyance. The baddie had dread-reek and a grating sneer and jadedness. Illya is quiet and stoical and all wise sadness.

Why is there an extremely bleak 10 block condemned area of NY? Well actually it is the burnt down MGM backlot but still. What happened to the duo’s cheery rapport? Illya bites a glass. After Solo’s condescending comments and gurning, no wonder Illya left UNCLE. The baddie isn’t monstrous or impressive and does not intimidate or threaten. The baddie’s one non-murdered henchman is called Stefan which was the name of the lumbering butler in Robert Vaughn’s movie ‘Transylvania Twist’.

This was okay entertainment. People sound like they are reading lines off cue cards. Doesn’t Solo get cold in the freezer? Why doesn’t he get freezer burn from touching the pipes? Why are there air raid sirens? The innocent has no curiosity, awe or fear. The baddie has a poor leopard. This was not brilliant or charismatic. Solo does no self-criticism. Sometimes you wonder why and how this show was much loved and admired. Vaughn goes for it with absolute conviction. The baddie dies a dumb ass death.

Best Lines:
“Something less pleasant than death.”

“What was left of Karmak was staked out in a jungle clearing for the scavenger ants.”

“You see, in existential-art, we don’t use any of the classical methods.”

“Her father bough her a gallery.”

“Nasty people.”

no titleno title
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