January 2nd, 2018

Kylo Ren

Trailers, Quotes and a 2005 Tape Tale

‘The Commuter’ trailer
Liam Neeson on a train and no believable logic.

Best Line:
“Don’t make me hurt someone you love.”

‘Freefire’ trailer
Threats of violence. No urban chic just full on conflict.

Best Line:
“We can’t all be nice girls.”

‘Hex’ 2x13 promo
The world ends.

‘Dr Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat’ (2003) promo

‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ TV spot
Awww, Kylo Ren.

Godiva Milk Chocolate hazelnut crisp - nice.
Manchego cheese - okay.
Wasabi mayonnaise - okay.
Caramel pecan fudge - mmmm.

Recall ‘Threesome’ or ‘Space Cadets’?

Anyone see ‘The Scarecrow Of Romney Marsh’?

Who saw ‘Mississippi Burning’ (1988) or ‘North Country’ (2005) or ‘About Schmidt’ or ‘An Education’ or ‘Death Race 2000’ or ‘Secretary’ (2002) or ‘Ed TV’?

I find some of the series 4 ‘Black Mirror’ episodes intriguing.

I won’t review ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ or ‘McMafia’ after all.

Insta-kerbing is a thing along with taxi shoes and Sloane hair?

Puddle foot is hee.

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:

“Using unlawful means of deposing you of that property.”


“Least plausible suspects.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Planning permission famous.”

“Sensationalised by other media.”

“Depredations of modernity.”

“Whose main dramatic function is to expire with maximum lachrymosity.”

“Subcultural happening.”

“Preternatural calm.”

“Resolutely declined to express contrition.”

“Celebrity intellectual.”

“Piled-high hairdo.”

“Not knowing the secret combination that would unlock a magical night-”

“Sat in my flat listening to a rat chew through the wall.”

“Cocaine whores.”

“Sketchy-looking strangers in the street.”

“The party, according to those who remember it, turned nasty.”

“People started peeing from the roof.”

“Began to pee out of the windows.”

“One of the bedrooms - the one without windows - became a pop-up crack den.”

“People do look at you as if you’re going to steal something when you walk in wearing a tracksuit.”

“How much money can we spend to look poor.”

“Herd management areas.”

“Public education.”

“No one like me goes there...”

‘Logan Lucky’ Quotes:
“You one of them Unabomber types?”

“Backwoods gossip.”

“Dr Phil stuff.”

“Furious fast movie.”

“Robbery to do list.”

“Do you hear the words comin out your mouth?”

“I looked it up on the Google.”

“Someone thought to do that.”

“There will be speeding.”

“Napkin of demands.”

“This woman needs containing.”

“That don’t make no sense.”

“The hot chick and her dragons.”

Cleared out a 2005 tape. It began with a ‘New Captain Scarlet’ ep ‘Dominion’ which is full of absurdities and plodding predictability. Black has no cold command and nobody has moral reason. This cancelled show is unmourned. Then came a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘Charmeggeddon’ in which the Avatars have taken over as the sisters are blank-eyed. Brody is malfeasant. This isn’t delightfully imperfect. Brody has ungraciousness and this ep is full of falsifying glosses. This plodding airless ep is entirely without flair. It has a total lack of structure and no moral battle. This was ill-judged.

Then came a ‘Hex’ ep ‘Hole’ in which the antichrist has taken over the school/college. There is no smirky charm just deadly serious bum-numbing lunacy. The writers do not track the psychology of the characters. This once-adored show is now disastrous.

Then finally there was another ‘Hex’ ep ‘Follow The Leader’ in which the posh nerd Leon has gone evil and has a grievance-fest. The ghost whines and Ella wears her slutwear. Why is St John’s Wart so dangerous to Ella? For a kickass slayer, Ella is useless with depressing regularity. Leon walks around the school wearing a t-shirt adverting a famous 1970s porno. In what world is that allowable? This was no cultural relevance. The antichrist bores. This is a poorly written pretence for sex and violence that blatantly disregards sense. The antichrist has pathologised Leon’s Nice Guy tendencies and he is glee-filled in this heartlessness. There is bad VFX and this show is all about the ghastly consequences of female sexuality. People are increasingly imperilled. No.

Best Line:
“Uber cow.”

Movie Reviews: Pitch Perfect 2 + L.A Confidential + 5 others

Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)
After a disastrous performance in front of POTUS Obama, the Barden Bellas need to resurrect their image. Cue more glorified karaoke. Fat Amy is publicly shamed for having an underwear free accident. The Bellas face sexism and a hiring freeze and slut shaming. The Bellas want to go to the World Championship. A new character shows up and takes over the movie and nobody cares. The Bellas bumbling ineptitude is mocked by evil Germans. One Bella gets a job making a Christmas album with a rapper.

Interest is impeded by the over-singing, sexism, weird plotting and useless characters. Nobody has a fierce moral sense and this wasn't indelibly etched on pop culture. This is not absolutely desirable. TPTB seem to have a persistent desire to annoy the viewer. This was burdensomeness. Nobody is a dispenser of compliments and this was not attractively presented. This was not change-making. Why do the Bellas all live in one house? The Bellas are all unoriginal thinkers addicted to singing covers. Nobody is aspirational. It is abundantly clear that the Bellas sometimes disappoint as they are virulently attached to covers.

The World Championships are full of stereotypes (the Canadians and the British) and sex jokes and racist jokes. The thing is the German team Das Sound Machine ARE better than the Bellas with far far better songs and performances. The Bellas sing an original song and somehow pay for plane tickets to fly out previous Bellas to perform with them. Groan. This was mediocre but still less embarrassing and naff than Celtic Women.

Best Lines:
“What an inspiration to girls all over the country who are too ugly to be cheerleaders.”

“I don’t speak loser.”

“The most significant conflict between America and Germany in history.”

“Running off stage to take a few more of our jobs.”

“An overweight girl dangling from the ceiling. Who hasn’t had that dream?”

“Go over to Hans Christian Anderson’s house.”
“That guy? He was pretty crap in the Star Wars prequels.”

“My brother tried to sell me for a chicken.”

“Which is a real thing apparently.”

“I’ve intentionally failed Russian Lit 3 times so I could be a Bella.”

“I had diarrhoea for 7 years.”


“Everyone has touched you.”

“Smelly and rainy.”

“Those aren’t words.”

“He’s got dreams for it.”


L.A Confidential (1997) Rewatch
Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce, James Cromwell, David Strathairn, Kim Basinger, Danny Devito, Simon Baker, Matt McCoy and Paul Guilfoyle star in this movie based on an alleged classic novel. Opportunistic people commit brutal behaviour in 1950s LA. People have hidden monstrous natures, no moral compass, there are hostile tactics by often hostile types and this is ferociously complicated.

Deeply resentful types prowl around the scandal-ridden city. There is a mass murder in a diner. There is corruption and hookers who look like movie stars. Devito is a sleazy reporter, there is death and sleaze and lies. Bud (Crowe) has understandable rage issues. A snotty cop (Pearce) is a strict authoritarian. There are drugs, a tossed drink, unacceptable disloyalty, deeply damaging events, blackmail violence, unexpected consequences, death, cons, betrayals, a fist fight, passionate convictions and shared purpose.

This was good with rackets, social manoeuvring, more death, hypocritical derision, scathing judgement, gunfights and long held distrust in this searing insight into a long gone era.

Best Lines:
“He kills a dozen people a year.”

“America isn’t ready for the real me.”

“Your adherence to violence as a necessary adjunct of the job.”

“Use all necessary force.”

“Came on a bus with dreams of Hollywood and this is how they turned out.”

“Righteous trash.”

“You ignorant bastard.”

“Paying the consequences.”

“Stain the department for years.”

“She is Lana Turner.”

Seven Brides For Seven Brothers (1954)

Blade (1998)

Universal Solider (1992)

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Jurassic Park III (2001)
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Pretty Smart

The Durrells 2x01 + Grandpa’s Great Escape Reviewed

The Durrells 2x01
Leslie shoots Roger the dog, not too badly. Gerry cries over a dead otter. The family laze about whining in this grievous disservice to the facts. The landlady threatens eviction as she is dastardly. The locals call Larry “Homer”. There are donkeys and the illusion of quality. This is vehemently awful.

Best Lines:
“We are poor!”

“Stop him speaking.”

“Bees are total bastards.”

“Albania’s just over there.”

Grandpa’s Great Escape (2018)
This BBC1 drama sees a boy encouraging his WWII veteran grandfather’s grotesque delusions. This 80s set comedy drama was okay but has no meaningful engagement. A grotesque vicar prances. Nobody challenges the vicar’s credibility or motivations until the end. The grandfather is packed off to Twilight Towers nursing home.

Is this supposed to be funny? The family and medical community have no proper care for a dementia sufferer who thinks Boy George is a woman. What is the obstacle to honesty? A teacher is disparaging of the old man who has fallen pretty low. He isn’t respected or revered. No one still cares or remembers his days in the RAF. There are repercussions. People are ungrateful. ‘The Dambusters’ theme plays at one point and there is mocking of Simon Le Bon. A spitfire is stolen, filled with Shell and flown away. There is child endangerment and this had naff VFX and bad acting.

Best Lines:
“Mrs Shelley’s mum.”

“Kindly bog off.”

“I’m too pretty for prison!”

“The sky he kept safe for us.”

“Yummy pills.”

“In charge of traffic cones.”

“Disneyland for coffin dodgers.”

“Somewhere you get put to die.”

“Diary of an Edwardian Country Land roll on deodorant.”

“Loves a bit of war.”

“Rubik cubes down. Eyes up! Looking!”
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Scary Books

Book Review: The Man From The Diogenes Club, part 2

The Man From The Diogenes Club by Kim Newman, part 2

Tomorrow Town
A utopian town of the future turns to be a failure full of homicidal menaces, deep despair, fractious types and deconstruction of 1950s ideals of the future. This was a good tale of people gone mad with good intentions.

Best Line:
“Never programs Wagner for eight straight hours and chortles over maps of the world?”

Egyptian Avenue
I’ve read this before. A family with an Egyptian obsession disvalue life. This was good though this has no escalation of unease.

Best Lines:
“All dynasties must fail.”

“The flood of people leaving the Horus Tower grew up to Exodus proportions.”

Soho Golem
Mysterious deaths and a barely-glimpsed maniac plague Soho in this okay tale.

Best Lines:
“The natural enemy of all things hippie.”

“People were still afraid of him for things he’d done, years ago.”

“Droppeth the penny?”

“We frown on killing people with the dark arts, no matter their character defects. There are often unhappy consequences.”

Serial Murder
A relentlessly strident soap opera is the setting for disgruntled types working out personal frustrations via magic. Behind the scenes is growing menace and a wonderful ferocity. Good.

Best Lines:
“A family who had practised obscene rites in the Sixteenth Century and degenerated into nastily toothy mole-folk.”

“Ambitiously malevolent.”

“Say not his name, lest he come to your house.”

“Major dark presence.”
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