November 7th, 2017

To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Family Plot + Tales From A Talking Board, part 2

The Family Plot by Cherie Priest
Dahlia and her salvage crew are hired to clear out a decayed southern manse that once had considerable grandeur. It is a job that will have fateful consequences as the owner of the house left a lot of things out about the place. This was an excellent tale of a haunted house, a notoriously vengeful unquiet ghost and inadvisable acts.

Dahlia learns of the creepy ancillary characters of dubious reputation who once lived in the house and the morally dubious things that went on there. This was excellent and unimprovable right down to the bleak ending.

Best Line:
“Be careful with the vows you make
And who you make them to.”

Tales From A Talking Board edited by Ross E. Lockhart, part 2

The Devil And The Bugle Boys
At band camp, boys play with an Ouija board. This was terribly dour with no malevolent smoulder.

Best Line:
“He did not have aisle privileges.”

Weegee Weegee, Tell Me Do
A tale of unrealised dreams. This was deadly serious trash.
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Kylo Ren

Movie Reviews: What We Do In The Shadows + My Scientology Movie + 2 others

What We Do In The Shadows (2014)
Some interviews with some vampires who share a flat in New Zealand. They’re all seedy roués. The obligatory creepy vampires have no strength of purpose and are bilious and have general disenchantment with life. This was not endlessly enjoyable. They are zealous enthusiasts for vampirism and don’t have even a slightly menacing manner. This is about as spooky as a wet sock.

They’re not fearsome just morally inappropriate. If they have no reflections how can they be photographed or filmed? One vampire has a human servant. This was unadventurous. How the vampires see themselves and how they come across is very different. I felt absolute derision for this.

This was all false drama and it was not propulsive. Werewolves show up. This had no sense of direction or purpose. Nobody has moral values. There is no funereal tone and this was not deliciously nasty. There is no knowing kookiness. I wish I was watching the original ‘The Fog’ instead. These characters have no kindness or redeeming qualities whatsoever. None. There is irrational rage and dark conflicted vampires. There is an absence of forward thinking and no respect or care or gravity or melancholy.

This was crude, stupid, thoughtless and off putting. This was completely unlikeable and not ultra bleak or mesmerisingly creepy. There is no terrifying realism as the perennial losers do muddled and deathly dull stuff. This was just plain bad, dreadful crap, lifeless and half cooked.

Best Lines:
“I do my flat chores.”

“Being attacked by ducks.”

“You have not done the dishes for 5 years.”

“Vampires don’t do dishes.”

“This old creepy castle.”

“We are vampires, we don’t put down towels.”

“Flatting situation.”

“We stole that idea from ‘The Lost Boys’.”

“You want to draw attention to this house, umh?”
“You got a whole documentary crew following you around.”

“Homoerotic dick biting club.”

“A rather large amount of shrieking.”

“Bad vampire!”

“Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet.”

“I can smell a virgin.”

My Scientology Movie (2015)
Louis Theroux looks into scientology. This was not disquieting or devastatingly honest. This was all aimlessness and manic grins. This doesn’t really cover the malign influence of the poisonous rhetoric. There is no understated menace and this was not intricately wrought. What is with the naval theme?

Best Lines:
“Anything recognisably spiritual.”

“Saving Earth from ruin.”

“Do I look embittered?”

“Facilitate his existence.”

“Do I look like I’m brainwashed to you?”

“Fifty thousand dollars?”

Stand By Me (1986)

League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
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Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Arrow’ 6x05 promo
Slade is back.

Best Lines:
“Not so nice guys.”

“Don’t make this man angry.”

‘Three Fugitives’ promo

‘The Manchurian Candidate’ (2004) promo

‘Acquitted’ promo
We’ll see.

‘Strange Days’ (1995) promo

‘Safe House’ promo

Kale - okay.
Garlic stuffed olives - okay.
Pate’ di asparagi - yum.

I may review ‘Terminator: Genisys’.

Who saw ‘Whistle Down The Wind’ (1961) or ‘Dick Tracy’ (1990) or ‘The Edge’ (1997) or ‘Just Like Heaven’ (2005) or ‘Under Suspicion’ (1991)?

I tided up LJ photos.

Recall ‘Talk’ magazine?

I listened to a podcast that dealt with ‘Deadly Lessons’ (1983) and the 3 people talking found it hilariously dreadful. They did raise some good points: who cut Lauren’s bridle? Why was Stefanie’s dress so ugly? Where were the cops? Why did Stefanie get a taxi to the school? Why did the killer confess whilst talking in the third person? Why did Althea wear a wig? What was with the posters on the dorm walls?

WTF are albino carrots?

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Artful book choices.”

“Grim, obvious question.”

“Social interactions.”


“Cultural objections.”

“Long ceased to attract critical acclaim.”

“A donkey sanctuary. Useless animals - I’d shoot the lot.”

“Harlot of the parish.”

“His personality remains frustratingly elusive.”


‘The Sunday independent’ Quotes:

“A name for women who congregate around musicians.”

“Will notice and have sex with them.”

“Their status is conferred by the grade of musco they can score.”


“Continuation novels.”

‘FTWeekened’ Quotes:
“You forgot to feed us again.”

“You look like a homeless person.”

‘The War At Sea’ Quotes:
“The British grand fleet.”

“Mighty dreadnoughts.”

“Like none before.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“A good steward of that trust.”

“Mommy quit calling the prison.”

“Entitled to that anger.”

‘SFX’ Quote:
“Trapped inside their histories.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“It contrasted with the harsh, manic face of Adolf Hitler sitting beside his fearsome-looking Alsatian.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Non-sentient birth machines.”

“Basic decency didn’t exist.”

“Responsible for everything that happens to them.”

“Moralistic counterpoint.”


“Very serious thoughts.”

“Fearlessly incorrect common sense.”

“Least developed countries on Earth.”
Scary Books

The Family 1x07 + Unspeakable + Westworld (2016 - ?) Season 1: The Maze 1x01 Reviewed

All The Livelong Day
Willa set up fake Adam, mommy has hysterics and nothing is logical or rational. Nothing seems within the scope or range of normal human behaviour. This is not a hysterical delight and isn’t even a glorious failure just an excruciating failure. There are endless flashbacks to Adam and Ben. The creeper’s mother made excuses for him and the pervert had no shame. Yet more flashbacks show how Ben escaped and how all this fake Adam stuff happened.

John wanted a divorce. Willa had a deep yearning to fix things. Lies are well-entrenched. Ben is menacing. Mommy goes drinking and decides to stick with the lies that Ben is Adam. Many regrettable incidents happened in this ep which was a headwreck.

Best Lines:
“What happens down here?”

“They killed Saddam Hussein.”

Unspeakable (2017)
This Channel 4 one-off drama sees a woman (the ‘Torchwood’ baddie) get a text saying her new boyfriend is abusing her daughter. She ignores this moral transgression with cultivated ignorance. But the paranoia builds up and then explodes. This had bad acting and lacked diabolical brilliance. Her boyfriend stands around looking sinister but she should really beware the overlooked nebbish one.

The Original
This much hyped drama has impressive opening credits. Wouldn’t the park be all VR in the future instead of a glorified LARP? This was based on the film written by Michael Crichton. Why are flies crawling on Dolores? Maeve (Thandie Newton) runs a brothel, Teddy (James Marsden) is milquetoast and they are both robots aka hosts. The man in black (Ed Harris) brothers professional whiner Dolores, who is a host whilst the man in black is human.

Park worker Elsie (Shannon Woodward of ‘Raising Hope’) is weird. The hosts memories are purged at the end of every narrative loop, allegedly but the hosts are acting out. Why does the park need 83 sublevels? The man in black is not threatening or frightening - it’s just Harris showing off his ACTINGS. What was the critical failure 30 years ago? The man in black is intent on disruption and park workers have petulant hauteur.

There is terrible behaviour in the park by guests. The boss Dr Ford (Anthony Hopkins) preens and plots. This is a self-regarding show. The park workers have a lack of humility. Why has the man in black been coming to the park for 30 years? Doesn’t the park get boringly familiar?  There is an irrevocable shift in the hosts. Nobody has a problem with the unjust ethos of the park? There is a lot of swearing in this purposely edgy show. There is nudity and it all seems wildly impractical.

There are cold standoffs and I cannot ascertain what the point of all this is. A photo is found by a host. Why was the photo there? Why does the man in black regularly accost Dolores? This was okay but doesn’t live up to the weight of expectations. What is the cooperation? Who are management? What is their real interest in the park? You develop AI and use it for a theme park?!? The songs Black Hole Sun and Paint It Black feature on the soundtrack.

Lowe (Jeffrey Wright) annoys. What is he up to? What is Ford up to? The host outlaw Hector Escaton (Rodrigo Santoro of ‘Lost’ and ‘300’) is much admired. There is foreshadowing. The man in black ‘kills’ a host named Kissy for unclear reasons. What deeper level to the game is the man in black on about? Dolores’ dad breaks down so she gets a new one.

Hector is good looking and wears black leather and has a nice hat. He and his gang rob the saloon/brothel. Maeve’s dress is short even for a Wild West whore. Hector is shot and so doesn’t get to deliver a big speech a park worker wrote for him. Blood flies. Hosts bleed red so how do you know who is human? Is anyone human? Park worker Cullen and her sleeveless outfits lurks and plots. I would like to see more.

Best Lines:
“You, and everyone you know, were built to gratify the desires of the people who pay to visit your world.”

“A dozen active storylines.”

“We sell complete immersion in 100 interconnected narratives.”

“The overall story adjusts.”

“These violent delights have violent ends.”

“He was leader of a group of cultists out in the desert who turned cannibal.”

“Homicidal thing.”

“Stay within their loops.”

“You’re livestock.”

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

“No emotional affect.”

“A prison of your own sins.”