October 26th, 2017

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Happy Birthday To Me + Candyman

Happy Birthday To Me (1981)
This has disco music, Mary Jane shoes and a throttling in a car. A killer wears black leather gloves, orange lipstick is sported and a switchblade is used to slash a throat. This is not a work of increasing seriousness. Matt Craven is in this sporting a bad perm. He is one of a group of popular jerks with bad hair. There is an Adam Driver lookalike in the group. This creates no persistent interest.

This is ‘V.I Warshawski’ bad. There is ramp jumping and a well lit graveyard and bad line delivery. Virginia is the vile heroine. There is no operatic brilliance or simple charms. Virginia shows obvious irritation with everyone. This was not creatively nasty or lingeringly sad or earnest.

Candyman (1992)
Dare you say his name 5 times?
Helen Lyle (Virginia Madsen of ‘Designated Survivor’) looks into the urban legend of Candyman (Tony Todd). Candyman appears when you say his name 5 times into a mirror. This was based on the iffy short story ‘The Forbidden’ by Clive Barker. Helen has a useless husband named Trevor (Xander Berkley of ‘Salem’) and a doomed BFF Bernadette (Kasi Lemmons). This was written and directed by Bernard Rose.

Helen and her BFF work on their thesis. Can 2 people do a thesis together? Helen and Bernadette visit Cabrini Green housing project. Helen has bloody mindedness and has a lack of recognition of the gravity of the situation. Trevor has a black heart. Is Helen mentally healthy? She faces the slow dawning certainty that Candyman is real.

The OST is all gothic choirs. Trevor has an unrelentingly haughty mistress. Gang bangers in neon lurk. Helen and Bernadette aren’t hypercautious. They wield dated tech. Candyman is a stately presence. Helen’s gritty determination leads to a bad reaction and tragic and unnecessary events. Candyman unleashes wildly brutality and Helen faces her desperate last days.

Helen is obsessed with personal ambition. People are perpetually scared of Candyman due to a legacy of hatred. Things come to a logical conclusion. Helen makes choices and she’s going to be so sorry she made them. Helen looks for provable facts and her dreams come true and they don’t look the way she imagined. This has no emotional driver. Helen sees graffiti and offerings in a very well lit abandoned apartment. This was followed by a crap sequel and a 3rd film I never bothered with. Bernadette and Helen smoke as do everyone else.

Trevor and his mistress are all know nothing vapidity. People in exalted positions sneer. Nobody has a moral and social responsibility. Trevor doesn’t seem to care for Helen or the demands she endlessly made on his time. He does little that is useful and much that is harmful. Helen invokes harm by disbelief and faces vitriolic condemnation.

As she is not an agent of her own experience Helen’s life goes down the crapper due to her unadvisedly not believing in Candyman. This has shattering consequences for her. People die around Helen with depressing regularity. Trevor is a stupid blowhard who is spiteful and petty. Helen loses all relevance to him. Helen does suspect behaviour. Candyman is a narrative made flesh. This has no breadth, depth or originality. Candyman has ill-intentions and causes nightmarish despair.

Helen is not self-willed and she attracts unpleasantness. Helen does an improbable loony bin escape. Trevor’s mistress is spectacularly irritating. One has inherent interest in Helen’s fate and seeing the mistress get what’s coming to her. This film isn’t scary but has the flinch factor. This promised so much and delivered so little. Helen becomes a monstrous villain as belated recompense.

Best Lines:
“An entire community starts attributing the daily horrors of their lives to a mythical figure.”

“A woman died in there! Leave it!”

“Look like 5-0 to me.”

“Hook man.”

“Candyman country.”

“It ain’t safe around here.”

“Scared of something?”
Sergio Balleseros

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘A Bad Mom’s Christmas’ TV spot

‘Prevenge’ promo

‘Anguish’ (1988) promo
What the HELL?!?

‘Electric Dreams’ promo

‘Mr Frosty’ ad
This is still around?

‘Chocolate Bar Maker’ ad

‘K’nex’ ad

Rose Lemonade - nice.

What’s become of Jay Mohr?

Recall ‘Action’ or ‘Ultimate Force’ or ‘Commander In Chief’ or ‘Stacked’ or ‘Grovvin Goolies’?

Anyone see ‘The Beautician and The Beast’ or ‘Ghosts Can’t Do It’ or ‘Exit To Eden’ or ‘Staying Alive’ or ‘Serving Sara’ or ‘Because I Said So’ or ‘Body Of Evidence’ or ‘Flight of the Intruder’ or ‘Creepshow‘ or ‘The Real Blonde‘?

RIP Robert Guillaume.

Who steals a pie? Drinks constantly and whines? An annoyance.

A Spar I liked has closed.

‘Star Trek: Discovery’ renewed.

‘Neighbours’ Quotes:
“Stupid meathead.”

“January’s good. Nice and warm.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Self limiting.”

“Inappropriate empathy.”

“Active management of exhaustion-”

“Has become its annual threat.”

“There is no way out of the village.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:

“Resident village idiots.”


“Finally been listened to.”

“Were grateful that they were being chucked Third Wench.”

“Vegan mash.”

“Ancient VHS videotapes.”

“Cannibal squid.”

“Tusked with full force.”

“You could certainly smell them.”


“Their skin is actually made up of teeth,”

“The public lack sympathy.”

“Strength of my story.”

“Not interested in offering comfort.”

“Spontaneous resilient.”


“Big scary letters.”

“Deny her space.”

‘Candyman’ commentary Quote:
“Bee vacuum.”

‘The Marriage Pact’ Quotes:
“Their naïve belief in the originality of their thoughts.”


“Riding a well worn path that never leads anywhere good.”

“Doing what’s best for me, no matter whom I hurt.”

“Primacy of focus.”

“Gave up someone else to be with them.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quote:
“Turn the mattresses cold side up.”

Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Don’t cause any more harm.”

“Endorse that kind of rhetoric.”

“Grief work.”

“Win an argument point.”

‘Knock Knock’ Quote:
“I’m from Oakland ho! I know two ghetto ass hos when I see em!”

Inhumans (2017) 1x01 + The End Of The F---ing World (2017) 1x01 Reviewed

Behold...The Inhumans
Inhumans live in a city on the moon! The Inhumans sabotage NASA probes. The royal family are smug. How is there oxygen and gravity on the moon? The ‘hero’ can only communicate via sign language. A Felicity lookalike prances and annoys. There is silly make up and costumes. So where were the Inhumans during the alien invasion or Inhuman crisis? They collect a pile of NASA probes. Why are there NASA probes on the moon instead of Mars?

The King has an angry brother who is mocked for being an Inhuman with no powers. So the Inhumans are racist, classist bastards. The Queen, Medusa, is ugly with a bad wig and CGI hair and a lavender dress. There is a huge CGI dog. How does the Inhuman city have an atmosphere? The King wears a dumb leather strap around his head. There are blue crystals.

The Inhumans change is very different than as shown on ‘Agents of Shield’. Where is SHIELD anyway? Haven’t they noticed the Inhumans? This has bad acting and how is there wood on the moon? People with unimpressive powers are sent to the mines. There is mumbling. Why are the royal family so happy with the caste system?

The scruffy powerless brother is billy no mates. Medusa was his friend but isn’t now and is a smug arrogant bitch. The royal city looks like a warehouse. Scruffy dude stages a coup. He is in the right despite TPTB trying to make him bad. Medusa has her head shaved, oh boo hoo. Black Bolt killed his and scruffy dude’s parents and was going to kill his brother. The royal family are on Earth. Black Bolt pulls faces and this was silly. Mmmmmmm.

Best Lines:
“They didn’t with you.”

“Descendants of those left behind when we made the move to the moon.”

“He has the ear of the people.”

The End Of The F---ing World (2017) 1x01
This new Channel 4 comedy is neither funny nor good. James is a wannbe psychopath teenager who stares at new girl Alyssa. Both do boring contemplative voiceovers. Neither have a veneer of affability. This is not scythingly honest and it is full of self-importance. There are no profound witticisms. There is no moral sensitivity or moral worth or moral persuasion. I hate James and his incomprehensible spitefulness. This is not a product of a fervid imagination. What does Alyssa see in the dismissive and disrespectful jackass James?

James’ impaired reality and Alyssa’s feigned antagonism are meritless. Neither can defuse conflict and are intent on committing a nuisance. Nobody notices their obvious socialization issues. Are we supposed to be amused that the shadowy duplicitous James astutely befriended Alyssa? Neither faces chastisement. This is not an authentic glimpse at people’s lives. This is not zany or lunatic. Alyssa has a dreadful stepfather and an uncaring mother. This has no peace and simplicity or objective tone. Alyssa stares despairingly. This was not spectacularly gruesome. They run away and advocate violence. This was crap.

Best Lines:
“I’d always wanted to punch my dad in the face.”

“Threw a chicken Kiev at his head.”

“I don’t trust people who fit in.”

“I pretended to fall in love with her.”
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