August 29th, 2017

Dollanganger

Book Review: The Chalk Pit

The Chalk Pit by Elly Griffiths
This badly written chicklit book promised us cannibals in Norwich. This book lied. An annoying hypocrite named Ruth looks into boiled bones and mysterious disappearances whilst chasing after a married man. The whole cannibal plot is dropped and the disappearances plot is resolved in ridiculous fashion. This is full of author tracts and the plot makes no sense. This has no descriptive density or pleasing sense of purpose. I felt only withering scorn for this.

Best Lines:
“She does sometimes worry whether life as a childcarer, spiritual counsellor and dispenser of soup is exciting enough for Cathbad, the druid rebel who once stood on the henge timbers and shouted his defiance to the sea,”

“She’s pretty sure that they aren’t looking for a nutter.”

“Do you know who did it?”
“Someone with a knife,”

“Her loudly voiced opinions and general lack of tact.”

“Ruth isn’t going to be bossed about by a woman in tight trousers who thinks she’s Helen Mirren playing Jane Tennison.”
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Scary Books

Strike - The Cuckoo’s Calling (2017) 1x01 + Gotham 3x21 Reviewed

Strike - The Cuckoo’s Calling (2017) 1x01
Tom Burke and Martin Shaw star in this adaptation of JK Rowling’s crime novel. Cormoran Strike (Burke of ‘The Musketeers’) looks into the death of a model. This was not dramatic or entertaining. The model (who has no audible dialogue) lies dead in the show in an artistically and contextually justified way I’m sure. The opening credits are very 1970s.

Strike is a PI and his yelling ex views him with near total opprobrium. A blonde becomes his secretary. Strike over-estimates the distinctiveness of his insights. This loudly insists on its contemporary relevance and it is hard to register interest. Strike looks like an angry sex machine into aggressive domination and coercive acts. This is far less exciting than it should be.

Strike tries for smiling menace and has trouble expressing any emotion except anger and sexual creepery. This was un-repentant stupidity. Strike has no limitless personal potential. Strike has the air of an ex-convict and verges on scary. Blondie has an unexciting existence as his secretary. Strike has anger and grievance. Strike is attention seeking. Was the model, Lula, a suicide or a murder?

Via exposition we find out that Strike is the estranged lovechild of a rock star and is former Royal Military Police. He also lost a leg. A berating sarcastic doorman lurks. Strike is offered favours by a grubby hooker. Strike’s contemptuous ex Charlotte annoys. Lula was in a nut house and there is more death.

Best Lines:
“Let him tag along.”

“Please don’t say no.”

“Horrible.”

“Must have been a nice quiet wedding.”

“Not that kind of favour.”

“Welcome to London.”

~
Destiny Calling
Fish is back, again. Lee has put on evil eye make-up cos she’s evil now. The Tetch virus is a thing. Gotham is in peril, again. There are mutual animosities all round. Alfred dresses like Prince Charles. The bad guys head toward a seemingly irreversible victory. There is an antidote to the Tetch virus. This is okay but it is not strangely memorable.

Will Lee face any consequences for being morally evil? Riddler bores. Violent pathology rages in Gotham. Where is Harley Quinn? Barbara is slutty and annoying. I’m tired of Lee and her ingratitude. Barbara has evident disgust and fastidious distain for Riddler. Mr Freeze (Nathan Darrow) shows up. Why does Bruce always get away with his crap? No wonder this show faces audience indifference. Mr Freeze sneers.

The Tetch virus unleashes thought processes people often have but wisely keep secret. Penguin judges Strange harshly. Villains consort. Riddler is not lethally hostile. There are no obvious consequences to anything. Alfred has no fear, distress or alarm. Does everyone forget that Bruce is Alfred’s legal guardian? Alfred makes a sappy and unwise speech.

Butch and Tabitha lurk. Nobody reacts rationally. Alfred says Bruce is brainwashed. How can anyone notice the difference? Ninjas attack. A crazed Gordon kills Fish, Penguin is sad, the antidote spills and Mad Hatter shows up again. Bad guys annoy. There is an evil lair and in it is The Demon’s Head (Alexander Siddig). He rattles as he walks and wants Bruce to be his heir. Siddig is an intense presence which more or less overcomes the sap in the scene as Bruce kills Alfred. There is no irreversible reality in this show so I’m sure Alfred will get over it soon.

Best Lines:
“Buy our cookies!”

“The one who is to come.”

“None of your business errand boy.”

“Seen and done things.”
Illya K

Trailers, Quotes and a 2004 Tape Tale

‘Victor Crowley’ trailer
Aka ‘Hatchet 4’. I’ve never seen ‘3’ and do not care to do so. How is Parry Shen in this?

Best Line:
“Death itself.”

‘The English Patient’ (1996) promo
What?

Why could that poor woman in Texas only take 1 of her 4 cats on the rescue boat?

I will review ‘Whitney - Can I Be Me’ and ‘The Farther’.

‘Vantage Point’ (2008) was okay. ‘Stardust’ (2007) and ‘Just Cause’ (1995) were not good.

Anyone see the 1992 ‘The Bachelor’? Or the 1999 ‘Instinct’? Or ‘One Fine Day’ (1996) or ‘Little Voice’ (1998)?

Saw some of ‘Zoo’ 3x08. Mitch is Mr Duncan. WTF is the unifying plotline of this show? There is an irretrievable breakdown of sense.

Best Lines:
“We need to reboot the plane.”

“I made him mine.”

RIP Tobe Hooper.

Sky News’ Quotes:
“Disaster assistance.”

“Wait on the line until it’s answered.”

“We know you love fighting. We know you love money.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“She’s a devil. She’ll come for you.”

“A fake problem.”

“Who she met at the opening of his squirrel sanctuary.”

“Distain for pleasure.”

“War helmet.”

“Assimilated themselves out of existence.”

“Believes this will show the casting team he’s feral enough to be chosen.”

“Feeding the narrative beast.”

“Like coloured eye Vaseline.”

“There’s no insurance for vegetables.”

“Sat outside in a cloud of their exhalations.”

“Your very existence is an embarrassment.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“Organic finds.”

‘3 News’ Quote:
“Rescue dogs are at their limit.”

‘Modern Family’ Quote:
“You’ve murdered joy.”

‘Diana - 7 Days’ Quotes:
“View her in that way.”

“Sense of solemnity.”

“You’re horrible.”

“You’re the scum.”

“Showing the right response in public.”

“Don’t seem to care.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“5 page apology letter.”

“I swear I wrote it.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Lying bitch.”

‘Eastenders’ Quote:
Things get said.”

‘Royal Recipes’ Quotes:
“Edible red things.”

“Poisonous red things.”

“Slug in there.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quote:
“Chippy tea.”

~
Cleared out a 2004 tape. On it was the 2004 movie ‘Foolproof’ which starred Ryan Reynolds and David Suchet. 3 idiot friends plan robberies as a stupid game whilst treating each other with unadulterated disgust. Reynolds is self-deprecating. They have no meaningful connections or social engagement. This was not even passably amusing.

This movie looks 90s. A bad guy (Suchet) blackmails the trio into doing an actual crime. This leads to a paranoid denouement. This doesn’t enjoy anything like what you would call success. Get in, get out, get even - indeed. There is swearing, overacting and bad acting. The twists are stupid beyond words.

Best Line:
“It’s very Canadian.”

Then there was an ‘SG1’ ep ‘Absolute Power’ in which a bad child actor gives Daniel a vision of himself going super-villain. Evil Daniel is as sick of Carter as everyone else. This was not disconcerting and people feel social distaste and moral distain for Daniel. But it was all a dream. Shrug.

Then there was the infamous ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘A Friend In Need part 1’. Xena and Gabrielle head to Japa. There are flashbacks set after the Chin flashbacks. Borias and Xena were in Japa and annoyed. There was fighting, death, darkness and this was murky and pointless. Xena has to take historical responsibility and make a corrective to a historical injustice. People are prone to philosophise, boringly.

Best Line:
“Her daddy’s rich.”
Cat

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina #8 Reviewed

I haven’t read 6&7. Sabrina makes irreversible decisions and has to live with the brutal consequences. Salem snarks. Jughead has a cameo. Harvey’s body has been resurrected but Sabrina’s father Edward is inside it and he has dark ruminations on his new relationship with Sabrina. People are excruciatingly unkind with heedless egos.

The insidious Hilda and Zelda lurk. Sabrina has wistfulness and gazes adoringly at what she thinks is Harvey overlooking how he is in thoroughly sinister mode. This was good and dark and Sabrina’s imagined future is going to end up being purgatorial unreason I’m sure.

Best Lines:
“This concerto of the damned.”

“A murdering place.”