August 24th, 2017

Raffles&Bunny

Book Reviews: Caesar’s Women + Caesar

Caesar’s Women by Colleen McCullough
The 4th in the ‘Masters Of Rome’ saga sees Caesar continue his rise. He is lamentably popular and has an international mission to conquer. Pompey and Crassus work together and events move toward the prescribed future. There are loads and loads and loads of characters who plot, screw, die and are wilful and utterly unfit to live.

Caesar has a career long fondness for intensity and is intimidating to the various women in his life. Brutus and his mother are pugnacious. Women simper over Caesar who uses them and casts them aside with shocking expediency. People have guilty intent and no consideration. This 1996 novel was ponderous, full of bad drawings and exposition. McCullough is reverent towards Caesar and this causes the book to be boring, over-written and sexist. Why is the whole issue of slavery ignored? What do the slaves make of their lords and masters?

Best Lines:
“Has everyone forgotten how our Gaius Caesar lost his virginity? Face down on a couch in the palace of King Nicomedes,”

“Respectable men lift their tunics and squat to defecate in the street when a public latrine is in full sight!”

“Cato the censor would weep. Then he would go home and hang himself. Oh, how often I have to resist the temptation to do the same!”
“Don’t, Cato, don’t resist it a moment longer!”

“Yield unmentionable orifices to unmentionable acts.”

“Putting decency back as our highest priority!”

“How can a state be strong, how can it contemplate ruling the world, when the men who ruin it are degenerate, decadent, filthy,”

“Women bear and mother children, they have no other use!”

“The height of a man’s glory!”

~
Caesar by Colleen McCullough
This 1998 novel in the ‘Masters Of Rome’ saga is wretchedly poor. Caesar rampages in Gaul, marches on Rome, becomes a ranting dictator and his 2 non-BFFs Crassus and Pompey die in badly written fashion. Meanwhile in Egypt, Cleopatra fights to keep her crown safe from malign influences. Caesar is a self-reliant tool who is a dreadful person.

People rant and rave and events are heading toward their bitter conclusion. This was absolute rubbish. Everyone is terrible, there is exposition and people fail to grasp the enormity of their responsibilities. Caesar’s reputation is waning and there is more sexism, war, death and bad writing.

Best Lines:
“They’ve taught her to despise clothes, manners, good food and good conversation.”

“You’ll all walk in my triumph.”

“Non-belligerents-”

“Throw her out on the streets where she belongs!”

“We walk to Alexandria,”

“I can’t tell what’s him and what’s wood.”

“Rid me of this Caesar!”
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Scary Books

5 TV Reviews

Reign 4x11

Dead Of Night
Catherine uses magic to keep Charles safe from Henri. Bothwell and Mary flirt. Greer is a dumb slut who’d be whipped as a harlot for the way she acts. Mary and Darnley plot to take England. Gideon is pathetic. Elizabeth learns Mary planned to invade. And Mary wonders why Elizabeth hates her. Narcisse bores. Where is Lola’s bastard?

Darnley bullies and abuses Mary. Kenna’s fate is unknown, nobody cares. Henri prances and looks older than Charles. Belly dancers show up. Henri discusses magic at an infamously catholic court. Mary is stupid. As was this ep. Bed, made, lie Mary!

Best Lines:
“He was born first, that’s all he has to do.”

“Aren’t you going to bow to your new king?”
“No.”

“I don’t like English people.”

~
Dramarama (1983-1989) In A Dark, Dark Box
A granny tells her bad child actor grandson a scary story. This was crap and annoying and ponderous. There is a sailor doll, ‘evil’ laughing, a 2nd sepia toned bad child actor and no to this.

Best Lines:
“Horrible house.”

“Am I in a story?”

~
The State 1x03
One would be ‘lioness’ communicates with her husband via a translation app on her smartphone. He doesn’t put his charm on. The collective psychotic episode goes on. Dr Shakira gets a marriage proposal from someone with no recommendation as to character.
Slaves are discussed with no social stigma. Shakira’s son is not overwhelmed by despair. Nice is not the first word that comes to mind as a description of the place but the city looks far too clean and functional to be in a war zone. Nobody has contrition. There is faux-terror and no graciousness. There is no maximum desperation. This is not exactly a damming prototypal.

The characters are not damaged or complicated. The nice doctor is gay. Shakira has no issue with this or with people being thrown off tall buildings. How is she wandering around at night with no issue? The fat German barely speaks. Why did the former UK solider convert? One pretends to care for the uncared for. The spoilt girl slaps her slave. Another girl celebrates her husband’s martyrdom. There is overacting and organ harvesting. This was not good.

Shakira is shocked at her son being trained to kill. The spoilt girl becomes a widow and a fanatic. This was melodramatic with unclear combat scenes.

Best Lines:
“The shouting man.”

“He’s very committed.”

“It’s 3000 miles.”

“He’s bought her for you.”

“You seem nice.”

“No one cries today.”

“We will intervene.”

“Cast out.”

“Hunted like food.”

The State 1x04
There is pregnancy, death, escape, capture and the few nice characters die. A guy’s father shows up to denounce his stupid son. He is ignored. Shakira and her son suddenly decide to leave and escape to an uncertain fate in the UK. Vindictive jerks kill, there is weary acceptance of misery and wilful refusal of sense.

Best Line:
“Shame on you.”

~
Into The Badlands 2x03-2x06

Red Sun, Silver Moon
Fat idiot Nick Frost annoys and quips. Stephen Lang and Sherman Augustus guest star. What do all these people eat? Where do they get their food? MK bores. Quinn mumbles. There is fighting and this was senseless.

Best Lines:
“Kill tats.”

“Stop your thinking.”

Palm Of The Iron Fox
There is a meeting of the Barons. Where does the Widow get lipstick and her pleather gloves? Who mows the laws? Where does Waldo’s wheelchair come from? MK bores and there is bad acting. Stephen Lang emotes. There is a failed escape, the Widow loses her Baron title, Quinn returns and the Widow is vile. There is fighting and Quinn kills Ryder. No to this.

Best Lines:
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”

“No forgiveness.”

Monkey Leaps Through Mist
The Barons flee. Jade is the Baron now. Nick Frost yaps. Stephen Lang’s advice is ignored. There is a well maintained road. Jade (and her mourning veil) unites with Ryder’s mother. Where did the roses and Jade’s veil come from? There is fighting. Quinn is crazy. This bored.

Best Lines:
Thinks it gives him gravitas.”

“Tickle your worm.”

Leopard Stalks In Snow
There is no long simmering resentment or imperious attitudes. One feels growing dissatisfaction with this. The characters are hapless dummies and plodding misfits. MK whines. There are intimidation tactics and low moral characters. The Widow is awful. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“They’ll never love you.”

“I’m sorry.”
“You will be.”

~
Colony 2x08

Good Intentions
How inept are TPTB? A suicide pill went unnoticed in 2x07. There is a proxy meeting. Ally Walker looks worried. The Greatest Day is BS. Will is inept. Katie whines. An ‘ER’ cast member shows up. Bram is thick. WTF is Focused Restoration? Charlie’s dim. Is Katie’s bar still open? An example is made of the work camp. What happened to all the bartering and insulin made from dogs? There is an attack and a betrayal. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“They have blamed us for less.”

“Let a crisis go to waste.”

“Toxic ideology.”

“Threatens order.”

“You survived, don’t forget why.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

'The Sound’ trailer
Rose McGowan is a paranormal investigator who looks into an abounded subway station. She doesn’t believe in ghosts and has had really bad cosmetic surgery.

‘It Stains The Sands Red’ trailer
People are stranded and there are zombies. There is a faux fur coat, blood and a survival quest. There is a sand storm, heat and urban ruin. I want to see this.

‘Game Of Death’ trailer
This has bad acting, an electronic board game and stupid hipsters bleeding and dying. This looks stupid and moronic.

‘Ruin Me’ trailer
Slasher Sleepout is the ultimate horror movie experience. They wander in the woods and a creepy guy lurks. There is bad acting and I am interested.

Best Lines:
“A deranged killer who just happened to wander into our campsite.”

“Slasher trope.”

‘Spatz’ (1990) opening credits
So dated. I loved this show.

‘Star’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘Monster House’ (2006) promo
No.

‘Falcon Crest’ promos
So 80s.

‘Smyths’ ad
WWE types run rampant.

‘Game Of Thrones’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ promo
No.

Made gluten free peanut brownie - dry.

Anyone see the 1986 ‘Dream Demon’ or ‘The Abduction of Kari Swenson’ Or ‘Bituiful‘ or ‘Wild, Wild West‘ or ‘Ibiza Undead‘ or ‘First Kid‘?

‘The Firm’ (1993) was not good.

Katee Sackhoff has joined ‘The Flash’. I’m glad I quit watching.

I recall the 1999 eclipse.

No ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ reboot? Boo!

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“I owe nobody nothing.”

“Might attempt to appropriate my house in any fashion.”

“Reasonable-sounding terminology.”

“Sexually owned.”

“No parent talks to us because of him.”

“Contra-indicated.”

“Negative interaction.”

‘Planet Earth’ Quote:
“Nothing can live permanently.”

‘Royal Recipes’ Quote:
“Knocking it.”

“Bath buns.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quote:
“If you come for me watch out! Because I’ll be tooled up!”

‘Channel 4 News’ Quotes:
“Very questionable moral record.”

“Fight or die.”

‘Just Shoot Me’ Quotes:
“What does pigeon blood taste like?”

“Did she ever finish that book she was reading?”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Gave no emotional response.”

“An iota of remorse.”