August 15th, 2017

Scary Books

Movie Review: Ouija (2014)

Keep telling yourself it’s just a game. Has there been an Ouija board movie since the ‘Witchboard’ movies? Bad child actors play with a Ouija board with predictably disastrous results. Then suddenly a blame giving teen hurls a Ouija board into a fireplace. So an inanimate object is the chief villain for this film? This had a sequel I now have no interest in.

There are no eerie displacements of mood or discomfiture. This doesn’t over-awe or even awe. It is slow moving and boring and was rightly mocked in an episode of season 1 ‘Scream Queens’. One has quite low expectations of the characters as people. There is bad acting, wooden dialogue and everyone is a moron. Absent parents are not especially reluctant to leave their children alone. Fools impressively undeserving of life die, very slowly.

There is no sense of utter sadness, just stupidity. This was so slow and boring and full of shouting by irresponsible tools. This was non-threatening and the characters have deference to a bit of wood. There is no coming cataclysm. Lin Shaye shows up and tricks condescending fools. Nothing in this film makes any sense. What did they do about the body in the basement? Robyn Lively was in this morass of flat effect acting and people who have no horrific realisation about what lies beyond.

Best Lines:
“Don’t care so much.”

“Do not go seeking answers from the dead.”

“She’s not alive anymore.”

“Chasing the dead.”

“You made a connection. With what?”
Sergio Balleseros

Book Reviews: death du jour + Black Death + The Nightmares On Elm Street + A Kiss Before Dying

death du jour by Kathy Reichs
This 2000 novel is dated and has no theme of doom. The ‘Temperance Brennan’ books inspired ‘Bones’ but they are nothing like the show. This was badly written and tells of a cult, murder and pompously miserable girls. Loons are self-excusing and have an aggressive demeanour while waylaying victims.

They bring ruin in this tale that has zero room for nuance or complexity. Ill-intentioned dolts menace our heroine in whom conviviality is not always to the fore. Villains are tritely obvious and there are no tragic jolts. Aggressive wild-eyed loons lurk causing undeniable misery. This laughable ‘novel’ should be met with universal indifference. This doesn’t even have delusions of adequacy as nutters kick off opportunistically with no grim determination or ruthless calculation. This was appalling.

Best Lines:
“His eyes were the shade of blue on the Windows 95 screen.”

“The evil social order that’s out to get them.”

Black Death by R. Karl Largent
This 1988 Leisure Horror sees the town of Half Moon wiped out by flesh eating bacteria. Not good but the ending is nice and bleak.

The Nightmares On Elm Street by Jeffrey Cooper
Okay novelisations of movies 1-3.

The Nightmares On Elm Street by Joseph Locke
Dumb novelisations of movies 4-5.

A Kiss Before Dying by Ira Levin
In this ‘thriller’ full of twists someone without taste for hard work wants money. This was done utterly seriously but without merit.
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Plague’ (2014) trailer
Australian zombies! People who look like ‘Home And Away’ rejects have bad posture and overact. This is shudderingly bloody.

Best Lines:
“The generation that gets to witness the end of mankind.”

“Maybe one day help will come.”

‘The State’ promo

‘Riverdale’ season 2 first look
Jughead narrates, Archie panics and has a bad hairdo. Jughead whines and there is faux philosophy. Cheryl is nuts. I don’t care.

Best Line:
“People have grudges.”

‘The Barn’ trailer
80s homage. This looks faded and good.

‘The Barn’ trailer
This looks cool and ungodly.

‘The Barn’ video game commercial
So 80s try hard.

Best Line:
Button smash!”

‘HSOT’ commercial
No thanks.

Custard doughnut - okay.

I won’t review ‘Gotham’ 3x19 ‘All Will Be Judged’.

Anyone see the 1998 ‘Antz’?

There is to be another ‘Munsters’ reboot?

Anyone see the 2001 ‘The Killing Yard’?

Anyone see the 1973 ‘The Magician’ TV show? Or the 1994 ‘In The Best Of Families’?

The ‘All Hallow’s Eve’ short film was not good.

‘A Knight’s Tale’ (2001) wasn’t good.

Will ‘The Last Jedi’ deal with the fact that the First Order is basically a cult? Cults are totalistic, authoritarian and the leader is supreme (Snoke) and delegates power to very few (Hux, Ren and Phasma). Snoke’s morality is the only acceptable theology and the only acceptable behaviour. Did Snoke use social persuasion to produce extreme attitudinal changes in Ren? Why did Kylo Ren reject the value of his upbringing and toss out everything he believed in for a new morality and system of logic and the world according to Snoke? Why does Kylo Ren listen docilely to Snoke? Why did he break all contact with his family and break all affiliations? Was Poe his friend?

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:
“The Booker sneers at genre fiction and popular fiction - and does so openly.”

“Popularity? Disgusting!”

“The whole idea of story is embarrassing.”

‘Riverdale’ deleted scenes Quotes:
Have you ever, no offence, worked before?”

“Delight in my fall from grace.”

“Every day is a chance to do better.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Do the thing to be what an actress is.”

“Squeeze yourself into a box of acceptability.”

“A level he can’t come back from.”

“Felt disjointed from his generation.”

“Started a fight club by the railway tracks.”

“Once, he slept on a roof to prepare to play someone who was isolated.”

“Since people still bought CDs by the bucket-load.”

“Hang a dead mole around a child’s neck to ward off teething pains.”

“And when people like that insist...”

“Stealth famous.”

“Putting his predecessor’s cadaver on trial.”

“Social smiling.”

‘3 News’ Quote:
“You are not wanted.”

Frank O’Connor - Idir Dha Shruth’ Quote:
“Afraid of opinions.”

‘American Heire$$’ Quotes:
“He had an almost quaint conception that rich people kept their money at home in safes.”

“Hearsts were not expelled-”

“The grandeur of his pretensions existed in inverse proportion to the shabby realities of his actual existence.”

“Always know where your Molotov cocktails are.”

“Almost the opposite of a master criminal, he was most inventive in finding ways to get caught.”

“He never again saw the outside of prison walls.”

“Overstated his backwoods origins for effect.”

“Could scarcely be accused of moderation.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Telling lies on her.”

“I have to have in her name.”

“Followed or monitored.”

“Call and sabotage it.”

“His family were watching you from the trees.”

“Innocent victim crap.”

“CPS on direct dial.”

“A prison stint.”

“Wearing camouflage and spying on her from the trees.”

‘This World’ Quotes:
“Bring in scaffolding ton dust the lights.”

“By official marriage.”

“A social escort.”

“Talents and favours of ladies of the night.”

“Saying negative words against it.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quote:
“Right of survivorship.”

‘Home and Away’ Quote:
“You’re a disgrace.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Stop pimps trying to get their girls into the club.”

“Showed you a hustle.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quotes:
“Just the right side of tarty.”

“Spiteful cows like you.”

Valkyrien (2017 - ?) 1x01 + Riverdale 1x02-1x05 Reviewed

Valkyrien (2017 - ?) 1x01
This sour spirited Norwegian drama is being remade in English and will star Mark Strong. Ravn teams up with a corrupt civil defence man Leif to open an illegal clinic. There are staring thieves and weird opening credits. Ravn is a doctor who has a dead wife and a miserable stepdaughter. He ends up having to care for an injured robber who stole 62 million. Who were the robbers and what were they robbing? What went wrong? How was Ravn’s non-friend Leif involved?

Ravn acts shifty and has blood bags in his illegal clinic located in an old bomb shelter under a railway station. Ravn has no genuine regard or concern. Nobody is held accountable for anything. Norway is full of bomb shelters apparently. People have self-gratification. Leif is a prepper who has no cultural acceptance from his family. There are a lot of preppers out there.

Leif rants about a fireplace. No one is chastened by anything. Ravn is billy no mates at his old job. He is also a raving hypocrite as he is keeping his not dead wife in his secret clinic to treat her with illegal treatments. This was okay if not an overwhelmingly enjoyable experience.

Best Lines:
“She was refused help.”

“In the lab, by the rat cages.”

“You said he wasn’t wanted.”
“Now he is.”

“They’ll cut the power and wait outside to kill us?”

A Touch Of Evil
Archie jogs shirtless. Miss Grundy has contrarianism. Betty’s mom is perennially dissatisfied. WTF is a magnolia cupcake? Cheryl is hideous. Jughead annoys. Betty annoys. Martin Cummins, Robin Givens and Lochlyn Munro guest star. Betty is morally outraged about Veronica. Betty’s sister Polly is of some disrepute. Jughead is behoven to annoy and he won’t moderate his words. The narration isn’t an ark of testimony. Cheryl is steadfastly annoying and why are her bitchy actions not actionable? Jughead is nicknamed Donnie Darko. There is a fight. Josie’s mom is the mayor. Josie and the Pussycats sing Sugar Sugar. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Undeniable irrevocable fact.”

“No, you ghoul.”

“Shallow toxic rich bitch.”

“That family is pure evil.”

“Some dark pagan god that they worship in that insane mansion of theirs.”

Body Double
What happened to Jason? Cheryl’s parents are vile. Betty’s parents run the Riverdale newspaper so Betty revives the school paper. Archie’s dad lays down the law. Is Pop’s the only hangout in town? Veronica is slut shamed. Josie and Cheryl are friends? How are Veronica and her mom paying rent on their fancy apartment? Archie has little prospect of ever living a meaningful life. There is soap boxing.

Archie and his music bores. Why is Jughead excluded? This was not avidly appreciated. Cheryl isn’t worth forgiving. Archie has tenaciousness at being annoying. There is bad acting. Betty’s mom, Alice, gets punched in the face. Does Betty have issues? This was ugh.

Best Lines:
“What the hell is a sticky maple?”

“Sluts get shamed.”

“Reeks of suburban legend.”

“Terrible consequences in the weeks to come.”

The Last Picture Show
Archie looks 30. Archie’s dad fancies Miss Grundy. Jughead rants about the Drive-In closing. The Southside Serpents are a local biker gang. Skeet Ulrich of ‘Jericho’ is one of them and he’s Jughead’s dad. A gun and Grundy’s vagenda cause commotion. Where are the rest of Jughead’s clan? There is corruption and hatchet faced over-botoxed women. Miss Grundy is a sicko.

Alice walks over her husband and engages in unreasonable persecution of Archie. Why isn’t Alice subjected to punitive measures? Someone robs Kevin’s dad’s murder wall. Kevin gets some rough. Miss Grundy leaves, things are uncertain and Ulrich doesn’t have a slight edge of menace. This wasn’t good.

Best Lines:
“Who even goes there?”
“People who want to buy crack.”

“Southside trash!”

Heart Of Darkness
The Blossom clan live in a big creepy mansion. Why haven’t the Lodge women given up their jewellery, designer handbags and designer clothes? I don’t care about Archie and his damn music. A snake is used as a menacing tool. Betty’s dad cries. What was wrong with Jason? Where is Polly? Is she pregnant? Veronica is not welcome at the home of the crazy abusive Blossom clan.

Does Jughead never take that hat off? The Blossom parents are emotionally abusive tools. Cheryl attention seeks at her twin brother’s funeral. A creepy old woman lurks who tells a very different account of Jason and Polly’s relationship. Betty’s dad rants on about a feud his family have with the Blossoms. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He and his filthy clan.”

“Why does a rich kid sell drugs?”

“Deserved a better family then what he got.”