July 13th, 2017

Scary Books

The Final Destination novels

In 2005, a series of ‘Final Destination’ novels were published.

Dead Reckoning by Natasha Rhodes
A singer has a premonition, dull.

Destination Zero by David McIntee
A terrorist bomb plot and flashbacks to 1888 which feature Sherlock Holmes and Jack The Ripper. No, just no.

End Of The Line by Rebecca Levene
Students hang out. This features a gross scene involving a bathtub. Daft.

Dead Man’s Hand by Steven A. Roman
This has an AIDS joke. No.

Looks Could Kill by Nancy A. Collins
A model does bad things. No.

There were 2 more novels ‘Death Of The Senses’ and ‘Wipeout’ which were cancelled. Sadly the novels weren’t good.
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Movie Reviews: Tales From The Darkside +Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story+Saw II

Tales From The Darkside (1990)
This was a bad movie. The only good segment ‘Lot 249’ featured Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore and Christian Slater as hateful, ghastly gits full of peevishness and petulance. People read nefariously from ancient scrolls and Slater goes psychotic with an electric meat carver. The rest of the film is woefully underpowered but ‘Lot 249’ has wonderful horridness.

Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story (1992)
Starring Lindsay Frost, this TV movie tells the true story of Lawrencia Bembenek and her conviction for murder. Was it a miscarriage of justice? Besides this TV movie there was also ‘Woman On The Run’ starring Tatum O’Neal. Both are okay and show moral turpitude and a lack of basic social decency.

Saw II (2005)
This was inept; the only good part is the stomach churning needle pit scene.
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Trailers, Quotes and musings on the Misty 1978 Holiday Special

‘Almost Human’ (2013) promo
It’s 2048 and a robot abandoned 2 police officers at a crime scene. Now preening Karl Urban is brooding. A synthetic is his partner. This looks crap. The synthetic aka robots have bug eyes. The synthetic is a walking lab. This has no scrupulous naturalism. Karl Urban goads and agitates. This does not look rich, serious, deep or involving.

Best Lines:
“Return to service: never.”

“Psychological rejection.”

“Designed to feel nothing.”

‘For Your Eyes Only’ (1981) opening
Blofeld (not named, but it is obviously him) with a foreign accent decides to kill Bond with a remotely controlled helicopter. Roger Moore faces obvious VFX. Blofeld has a white cat that runs off at the scent of peril. Blofeld also has a neck brace and wheelchair. Bad 70s music plays. Bond hooks Blofeld’s wheelchair onto the helicopter strut. Blofeld is begging for his life and Bond has complete disregard for him on any human level after Blofeld’s ill-advised deliberately enraging behaviour. Blofeld is dropped down a smokestack as a demonstration of hate. You can hear the crash. This was better than ‘Spectre’.

Best Lines:
“We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen! In stainless steel!”

“Put me down!”

The Deuce’ promo
Sleazy 1970s NY. This has 2 James Franco’s and nudity, porn, violence and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Mmmm.

Best Lines:
“What about community standards?”
“Apparently New York has none.”

‘Dunkirk’ TV spot
Concerned murmurs.

‘Chicago Fire’ promo

‘In The Dark’ promo

‘Murdered For Being Different’ promo

‘Against The Law’ promo

‘In The Dark’ 1x02 promo

‘Teen Mom UK’ promo

Best Line:

Made gluten free brownies - they’re lovely.

A weird new ‘Star Trek’ cover.

Recall ‘The Wonder Years’?

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Say bad things about me.”

“Were you glad?”
“Not then.”

“Test that sentence against reality.”

“You don’t know how to be nice.”

“Raving lunatic bitch.”

“Hostile bitch.”

“Please take away my evil daddy.”

“Won’t stop the nagging.”

‘The Initiation’ Quotes:
“I told you we couldn’t trust that bitch.”

“Let’s split up.”

“I’ll help you find it.”
“I hope you’re referring to the bathroom.”

“Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

‘The New Yorker’ Quotes:
“A deeply unpopular man.”

“Widespread conviction.”

“With no apparent fear of giving offence to their readership.”

“Horribly mislead about the extent of his own talents.”

“Decidedly not wife material.”

“Seem perfectly calibrated to annoy everyone.”

“Shown no sign of repentance.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Thunderous Redemptorist - like response.”


“Not turned into good little girls who please with neat work.”

“Decorative for males.”

‘3News’ Quote:
“Threatening home environment.”

‘RTE News’ Quotes:
“Replete with self-justification.”

“Can we have order?”

“No apology to make.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Dynastic alliance.”

“Unnecessary over-reaction.”

‘Nationwide’ Quote:
“Fairy trail.”

‘Wimbledon’ Quote:
“Believe in my own ability.”

I read the ‘Misty’ 1978 Summer Special. It cost 35p. ‘Black Sunday’ is an odd tale of flies. ‘The Ice Tomb’ is a tale of 2 idiot cavers. ‘Friends and Neighbours’ sees a ghastly shallow family move to a tip of a house. It is silly. ‘Somewhere...Forever’ is a mad tale of yobs and aliens and unicorns. This was the end of my reading of ‘Misty’ and I enjoyed it.
Sergio Balleseros

5 TV Reviews

Colony 2x02

Somewhere Out There
Adrian Pasdar lurks, coated in hair wax. In 1969, TPTB found an alien beacon on the moon. There is little evidence of Katie having remorse over the dreadful events she set in motion. Katie has an implacable nature and she is indignant. She’s still failed to demonstrate the necessary competence. Maddie lives in luxury with Nolan. Victory over the aliens is unachievable. Will kills warlords to bring Charlie home. Katie is being watched by Jennifer. The new boss shows up.

WTF is The Circle? Jennifer has her house searched. Bram lies, perhaps unwisely. He ends up in a labour camp. Will bores. Charlie is found. Nolan has no concern for his wife. Katie is ungrateful. Charlie is a dumb brat. Snyder runs the work camp. Maddie calls Katie out on her crap. Maddie faces a weird ceremony. What did she see? Jennifer bothers Katie. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I will hurt you.”

“I’m trying to keep my family together!”
“How’s that working out for you? This! This is why you‘re alone!”

“It’s like ‘Black Hawk Down’ out there.”

Fearless 1x05
Emma is a moron. She learns stuff about VIPS and Linda's uncle. Emma is arrested, a lot. Wild wins the leadership. Secrets come out about Linda and the base. Where is Linda’s friend Rachel? Linda’s death seems to be tied into people lying about Iraqi WMDs. Heather snots. Emma shrugs off the fact she had a terrorist in her house. Emma rants about illicit meetings. Heather is ignored. Emma won’t stop annoying people. Emma is vile to her boyfriend and calls him lazy and tries to throw him out. She is obviously cheating with the ex-cop sidekick. Emma yells about wanting a child. Emma has ruined Olivia’s career. Rachel has vanished. Kevin is dead. This bored.

Best Lines:
“She’s been arrested?”

“She told a big fat lie.”

“A war that no-one noticed.”

“Even The Guardian will laugh at you.”

In The Dark (2017) 1x01
A pregnant cop, Helen, stomps around in this crap drama. There are no good moral forces. Two girls have gone missing in Polesford and a man has been arrested. He is the husband of Helen’s former BFF Linda. Helen doesn’t show consideration. This leaves one disinterested. Helen is insufferable and she is full of pomposity. The plot is something about the inescapability of the past.

Linda is sullen and totally useless. This ep was a wilful failure. Linda doesn’t seem to grasp the enormity of what’s going on. Helen’s man knows the police investigating the abductions. His name is Paul but he can’t see that Helen is cheating on him and the baby isn’t his. Helen’s dad is gay. Helen has insouciance. Is Linda in romantic thrall to a killer? This was not captivating. Linda shrugs off the shattering force of what is happening.

I fundamentally dislike Helen and her enduring inscrutability. Linda snots and tantrums being shrieky as she incurs opprobrium. Linda has surly brats. There is an inexorable feeling that Linda is lying. I won’t bother watching any more. Why is Helen doing Paul such a disservice? Helen has a fearsome reaction to being called a school bully. Helen has secrets.

There are no difficult choices from which there is no return. A strange car is seen. Is a missing pig important? Paul is a cop too. This ep is increasingly futile. Helen and Paul’s aptitude to annoy proves to be their undoing. Helen and Paul aren’t insightful. There are over-reactions to things. I just don’t care.

Best Lines:
“Bad mouth them on TripAdvisor.”

“Say what you think you should?”

“Local sex god.”

“All a bit insect-y.”

“Pretty stinky.”

“Not like some of them.”


“Barking at clouds.”

“More yourself away from it.”

Salem 1x10-1x13

The House Of Pain
Increase is diligent in his awfulness. This was badly lit. Mary tries to reassert control over Mercy. Anne sneaks. Bad things perforce happen again. Mary wears a big hat and has a heightened state of rage which she shows via lip gloss and waxed eyebrows. Hale looks botoxed. Increase has requisitioned the brothel into a centre for enhanced interrogation. I had some interest in this but all that’s gone now. Mary babbles about immense consequences.

Best Lines:
“I imply nothing.”

“Worthy of nothing.”

“Get you home.”

“Under whose tender care he has mysteriously withered into an invalid.”

“I take no truth to be self-evident.”

“The devils you pretend to command.”

“Whatever it is you hold holy.”

“Take care wife.”

Cat And Mouse
John is adored by the commoners? Since when? Anne is onto Hale. Mary is dysfunctional and destructive. This ep could do better. Increase is invigoratingly dismissive of Cotton. Mary has a parasol. Where is Tituba? How has she not died from what Increase did to her? John is considered to have a distinguished character?!?! George spits. Increase is intrusive to the town’s functioning. Mary makes mis-statements. Mercy’s followers are questioned. Mary has tea and a china tea set in puritan Salem? Isaac shows up. There is a failed attempt to kill Increase. This was okay, though the 1990-1994 ‘Let The Blood Run Free’ was better. Anne learns she is a witch.

Best Lines:
“More questions I can answer to your dissatisfaction.”

“My friend, perhaps my only one.”

“Dignify their madness.”

Ashes, Ashes
Hags in the wood blather. Increase goes on about the tenants of rational thinking. Mary does evil by choice. John is tried. Mercy’s coven is executed. This bored.

Best Lines:
“Malignant manifestation of malice.”

“Angry eldritch gods.”

All Fall Down
John learns Mary is a witch. Mary and Increase are belligerent and pugnacious. Increase knew John was innocent; the entire trial was a trap for Mary. Cotton doubted John. Mary meets her baby who isn’t dead. Nobody has spiritual or intellectual growth. There is no emotional torment just unbearable egotism. Mary likes people to pay attention to her.

WTF is the red death? Mary and Increase fight and she tricks stupid Cotton into killing his father. This does not resonate. This was infantile. Mary is not keen on restraint. Anne kills her parents in a ‘Carrie’ like tantrum. Increase is eaten by pigs. Mercy plots. Is John dead? This was inconsequential. There are no social issues and this was ideologically toxic.

Best Line:
“Unchoose me.”

Reign 4x05

Highland Games
Charles is an unloved king. Mary is stupid. Narcisse is the worst. Mary lays claim to England and calls Elizabeth a bastard. There is a boxing match and a mention of the Rough Wooing. James bothers Knox’s wife. Claude is vile to her husband, she would have been locked up in a nunnery for that. Catherine shrieks. Greer’s husband wants to marry another. Leith is a snot. Mary falls for Darnley and Charles is crazy. This was okay.

Best Lines:
A defining decision.”