July 9th, 2017


Movie Reviews: The Paperboy + Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The Paperboy (2012)
This hilariously inept lurid melodrama is set in 1960s Florida. It annoys without cessation. Zac Efron, Nicole Kidman, Matthew McConaughey, Macy Gray, John Cusack and Scott Glenn star. This has no dark heft or sly wit. This was unbearably trite.

Best Lines:
Loved her some dangerous men.”

“There’s a horse in the parking lot.”

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
A snot outsmarts adults with his comic shenanigans. This has outdated tech, 80s hair and the ‘hero’ gets away with outrageous provocations and inconveniences. This was entirely unwarranted with no seriousness of purpose. This was made into a TV show that no one remembers.
Scary Books

iZombie 2x06 + Salem (2014-2017) 1x01-1x03 Reviewed

Max Wager
The cop is at his most irritable and light is belatedly dawning on what exactly is taking place around him. Robert Knepper and Steven Williams guest star. A stupid lawyer is menaced by a bad actor. Blaine and his daddy are unvarying jerks. Major has generalised discomfort. Liv is socially inept. This raised interest and then rescinded it. Liv and Major have skype sex. Blaine kills his allegedly adored grandfather. Liv and Major can’t have sex. Major kills Blaine’s evil dad, well that was a downer.

Best Lines:
“Ungrateful parasite.”

“I’m discussing statuary.”

“Suffer bitch.”

“This wall thing.”

The Vow
1685: Salem is under stark authority. John Alden (Shane West) is not concerned with being liked and is sent off to war leaving his love Mary behind. Bad wigs are worn and Mary is pregnant with John’s child. George Sibley has animosity to John and is intimidatory. Tituba does dubious activity in the woods and 7 years pass. Salem in 1692 is apocalyptical.

Seth Gabel of ‘Fringe’, Tamzin Merchant of ‘The Tudors’ and Xander Berkeley of Nikita’ also star. There are beards and conniving people. There is impending lunacy in Salem. Cotton Mather (Gabel) rants and Giles Corey (Kevin Tighe of ‘Lost’) lurks. Mary married George Sibley and is now important. She doesn’t look like a puritan. Sibley is a drooling invalid. Cotton casts aspersions and sows discord. John Alden returns home with the wrong kind of personality for 1692.

There is sex and nudity. Mary is a witch and afflicts Mercy with suffering. Hale (Berkeley) is the father of Anne (Merchant). There is no resumption of Mary and John’s love. Mary doesn’t dress or act like a puritan. There are mirrors, fur collars and jewellery in puritan Salem. Giles Corey knows something about Mary. Cotton leads Mercy around on a lead like a dog to sniff out witches. He’s in a triumphal state. Nobody has detached dignity.

The hot witches wear Victoria’s Secret like underwear. Giles dies. This was okay. John learns witches are real. There is a twist. Mary plots and cannot act. People cackle suavely. Mary speaks with transparent indifference.

Best Lines:
“Ten hard ones.”

“Who said that?”
“Jesus. You might have heard of him.”

“Witch panic.”

“Who know not god.”

“There ain’t any Aldens left.”

“Stop your weeping woman.”

“I don’t want to do this.”
“Then don’t.”

The Stone Child
Cotton is having a crisis. He has no accountability for his supposed justifications. The deep logicality of the witch hunt goes on. John rages in hypocritical response. Hale arrests John. There is disparagement. Mary is undeniably coercive. The fornicator babbles. A seer lurks in the wood. A midwife speaks sense. Mercy is strung up in church like a decoration.

There is a mention of The Grand Rite, something big Mary and her fellow witches are carrying out. John is un-arrested. Mary damns the midwife who is her friend and whose compassion was a calamitous decision. There is blood vomiting. John makes a sound argument for sense but is ignored. There is bad acting and Mary does evil. John is like super annoyed. This was terrible with no ensorcelling strangeness.

Best Lines:
“A prettier pigeon.”

“The doom that’s come upon Salem.”


In Vain
Anne has visions. Mary’s malefic influence grows. The fornicator is bothered. Mary is unassailable and has no self restraint. She runs Salem and commits elder abuse on her bewitched husband. People contemplate their navels. Mary is self-protective and learns that John knows. She wants to keep him safe. Anne tantrums. There is bad over-acting. Mary torments Anne and this was mediocre eventlessness.

Best Lines:
“You was born neither.”

“Looked dead until they didn’t.”

“Hide your wives! Hide your sheep!”

“The pig man?”
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailer, Quotes and musings on the Misty 1980 Holiday Special

‘Polaroid’ trailer
Why don’t people turn on the light? An evil Polaroid menaces people. Where does she get the film? There is a slide show and Mitch Pileggi. A screen attacks and there is an evil photograph. There is CGI fire and this looks STUPID.

Blue Raspberry laffy taffy - okay.
Lemon butter sauce - no.
Sweet Tarts Chewy Sours - okay.
Chocolate & Hazelnut gelato - nice
Mango & Passionfruit low fat yogurt - okay.
Reese’s Fast Break - yum.
Egg sandwich - yum.

Recall ‘Grotbags’ or ‘Emu’s World’ or ‘Emu’s All Live Pink Windmill Show’? RIP Grotbags.

The BBC is doing ‘Ordeal By Innocence’.

What is Robert Powell up to these days?

Anyone see ‘Children Of A Lesser God’ or ‘I Am Sam’? Or the 2001 ‘Bones’?

Lobster was used as lawn fertilizer in the 19th century?!?

I wanna try ‘Nduja.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Where is your self worth?”

“Stop making asinine statements.”

“Did you light clothes on fire in front of your children?”

“On Christmas Eve you go to your boyfriend’s house and trash it?”

“Don’t want to be around her at all.”

‘The Goldbergs’ Quotes:
“Thank you, no.”

‘Irish Inpendent’ Quote:
“A rogue submarine of unidentified nationality is tearing around the Irish sea.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Hardly go across the world if he didn’t have to.”

“Weed his leeks.”

“Insistence on unity.”

“Tenuous housing situation.”

“Irritating ginger busker.”

“Bewilderingly hostile place.”

“The most far-reaching use of a hammer and nails since the crucifixion.”

“There are no grudges held around here,”

“Hard to put a reason to it,”

“Suggestive of Donald Pleasance in an emu suit.”

‘Vanity Fair’ Quotes:
“Though his approach to the line was, he swears, deliberate.”


“Loudly caloric.”

“Certain elements may try to stretch this beyond what it is.”

“At one point ran off with his mistress.”

“Guests who ran countries on a routine basis.”

“Assured that it had been harpooned rather than long-lined.”

“Makes life interesting and agreeable.”

“Hobo term.”

‘The Gloss Magazine’ Quotes:
“Terrified of being too scene-y.”

“Tender of the husband’s whims.”

“Thuggish plant.”

‘RTE News’ Quotes:
“Hostile regimes.”

“Key to the international order.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:

“Personal utility.”

“Crisis-hit Athens would be unliveable without the Greek family. Those who don’t have one can easily end up picking through rubbish bins.”

“Spoon food.”

“Full, unbridled force of what passes for the law.”

“A low bar for a presidential aspirant,”

“Satanic hybrid.”


“Renders him loveable.”

“Fading technology.”

“Life rituals.”

“Infrastructure of trust.”

“Conspicuously less charming.”

“Wrong course of action.”

“Yearning quality.”

“Utterly pitiable.”

‘The Guardian’ Quote:
“Once ate an entire salami string and all before she’d even reached the till.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quote:
“Failed nurse.”

‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ Quotes:
“Through art I shall serve my country.”

“Jodie Foster tried this and a skin-ripping serial killer answered the door!”

‘MTV Vidiots’ Quote:
“Pimpwear wolf.”

‘The Windsors’ Quotes:
“Britain in crisis.”
“Thanks to you.”

“Relentlessly sordid.”

‘CBS Weekend News’ Quotes:
Last free ranging primates in the whole of Europe.”

“Macaque management tem.”

‘Bring It On: All Or Nothing’ Quotes:
“What are digits?”

“Bitch from hell.”

“They’re my keys you perv!”

‘Marple’ Quotes:
“Not much liked by anyone was he?”

“Vengeance is mine. I will repay.”

“Scissory things.”

“Oh yes, London.”

“What I was leaving her to.”

Read the ‘Misty’ 1980 Holiday Special. It was 45p for 64 crap pages. ‘Night Train To Nowhere’ was dull. Did they change the artists and writers for the annuals and specials? Cos the art and stories in them suck. ‘The Green Children’ was a dull tale of the 12th century. ‘What A Catch’ was ridic. ‘In Black And White...’ was a silly tale of a camera. ‘The Call Through The Clouds’ was a terrible tale of a ghost plane. ‘Melody From The Past’ bored.

Best Line:
“All that waited for ‘em out there!”
Sergio Balleseros

Riverdale #4 + The Green Hornet ‘66 Meets The Spirit #1 Reviewed

Riverdale 4
Brooding Kevin, the only gay in Riverdale, is psychologically fraught and not a man for subtlety or nuance. This has no inherent tension. Small town, big secrets indeed. This was okay. But it has no rich narrative opportunities or enormous personal resonance.

Best Lines:
“Very, very single.”

“Please tell me you’re not going cruising at that truck stop you told me about. Or the Riverdale mall bath-room. Or that sketchy spot in the forest.”

“It’s either this or the truck stop.”

“Since do you need a reason to be shirtless?”

“And why on earth aren’t you mowing the lawn shirtless in the first place?”

“Remember, you are confident. You are hot. You are 21.”

The Green Hornet ‘66 Meets The Spirit 1
The only thing I know about ‘The Spirit’ is seeing the trailer for that wretched looking movie. Based on the TV show; Britt Reid is an un-grammatical idiot and Kato also seems to have had his IQ lowered. A dude with an octopus face lurks. A new Spirit lurks. This was not evocative. Why are so many unpredictable degenerates running around? People yell with spittle-faced relish and have unclear allegiances. Britt and Kato are cankerous and shouty. This has no levity and was truly terrible. This cannot be critiqued sufficiently. All I can say is, I’ve rescinded any plans to read any more issues.

Best Lines:
Hopefully its doesn’t fall when an ICBM hits it, eh?”

“You were looking loudly.”

Book Reviews: Mad + Nightmares, Part 1

Mad by Chloe Esposito
Alvina Knightly is train wreck full of boiling anger and screeching hysteria. Her life is going down the toilet when she is contacted by her estranged identical twin Beth. Alvina finds Beth perennially annoying and is haunted by Beth’s egregious betrayal. While visiting with Beth and her perfect family in her perfect house, Alvina makes an irrevocable choice.

Alvina soon learns that Beth didn’t have the perfect life, as she finds herself surrounded by sex, violence, betrayal and murder. This was very good. But one wonders, why did Alvina’s mother have such vituperation for her since birth? It was obviously highly detrimental to Alvina and where were social services during the years of emotional abuse and neglect? I’ll read the sequel

Best Line:
“What he have to expel me for, just because I set fire to his car?”

Nightmares: A New Decade Of Modern Horror edited by Ellen Datlow, part 1

This tale of a soap star is not emotionally potent. I’m not sure what was going on or what the motivational factor was.

Sob In The Silence
A horror writer has guests over. It’s too bad for them, he isn’t a nice man. This is a good cold, cruel tale.

Best Line:
“They’re going to be bothered.”

Our Turn Too Will One Day Come
A man gets a call in the middle of the night from his sister. Something terrible has happened and because of it, he learns the dark secret of his family. Good.

Dead Sea Fruit
A weird tale.

Closet Dreams
Something terrible happened to her when she was a little girl. This is a very good sad tale with a dark twist.

Spectral Evidence
By Gemma Files. This is an excellent tale of psychics and a haunting pieced together.

A man learns a monster lurks and takes an intractable position on the sinister and frightening thing. This was okay.

Very Low-Flying Aircraft
This was not horror just a dull tale of a plane accident.

The Goosle
This is a nightmarish retelling of ‘Hansel & Gretel’. It is darkity dark dark darkness.

The Clay Party
A Donner Party like tale. Okay.

A tale to an art exhibit leads to a critical state of distress. Okay.

Lonegan’s Luck
A snake oil salesman brings death and hell follows with him. This was good with a neat twist.

Mr Pigsny
A funeral reveals a grim legacy and the grim consequences of an irretrievably evil man’s deleterious last deal. This was good and creepy.

Best Lines:
“Extravagantly insincere.”

“Fooling himself that he was a man of consequence.”

At Night, When The Demons Come
After a demon-apocalypse there is malign behaviour and a new category of behaviour. The ‘hero’ has abdicated all moral responsibilities. This was good with an ominous ending.

Was She Wicked? Was She Good?
A girl torments fairies and is punished. This is an okay tale of blame and responsibility.
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