July 6th, 2017

Dollanganger

Whispers From The Abyss 2 edited by Kat Rocha, Part 2 Reviewed

Lucky Chuck Takes The Sunshine Express
Profound silliness.

Five Minutes Or Less
A tale of a baleful man who loathes his wife and children with a passion. Faltering.

Best Lines:
“Inescapable normalness.”

“Inevitable shouting.”

“Mutual frustration with life.”

The Baby Downstairs
Does a malevolent baby lurk? This was very short and not ebullient.

Gifts
This was sexist and panders to the lowest human urges.

Now We Are Nine
A hostile force invades a couple’s home. This was lamentable.

The Thing In The Fridge
This is like a Kenny Everett skit as a policeman is called out to deal with a vile and odious fridge. This was hilarious.

Best Lines:
“The fridge was staring back?”

“Worshipping a fridge?”

God Does Damn The Mind
A plague of insanity causes disconcerting poor decision making. This was an okay tale of a legacy of defeat.

I Saw The Light
A group of friends get high together, a deeply regrettable bit of self-defeating behaviour that leads them to see something. This leads to a draconian choice. This was good and creepy.

Kickstarter
This is a hilarious and very good Cthulhu inspired take on crowd-funding.

The Vindication Of Y’Ha-Nthle
Never piss off an Innsmouth resident. It won’t leads to a thoughtful response. It’ll only evoke resentment and vengeance. This was mediocre.

Echoes In Porcelain
A woman has monsters in her toilet; luckily she cajoles another monster into helping her. This was okay.

Shadows Of The Darkest Jade
I’ve read this before. It is a tale of monks and something disconcerting.

The Dreadful Machine
A man is reasonably content with his horrible job. Weird.
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Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Perfect Bride + Night Warning + Kedi + Fun+ 2 others

The Perfect Bride (1991)
A young woman (Kelly Preston of ‘Spacecamp’, ‘Spellbinder’, ‘Twins’, ‘Addicted To Love’, ’Battlefield Earth’, ’View From The Top’ and 'Sky High’) suspects that her brother (Linden Ashby) is going to marry an insane lunatic serial killer (Sammi Davis). This has bad acting, an idiot plot and a terrible fight scene between Stephanie (Davis) and an unfortunate caterer.

Laura (Preston) has 80s hair, 80s clothes are worn and Allison Mack of ‘Smallville’ pops up as young Stephanie with a bad accent in endless flashbacks. Stephanie murders grooms who disappoint her as well as anyone who stands between her and her latest disposable man. She carries needles full of potassium around with her. She acts like a crazy jealous loon and Laura notes her dark intent and how she gets cross to the point of being homicidal.

Whenever Laura tries to warn her family who hate her about Stephanie she comes across as a snot who is overtly polemic with her personal animus. She rants at a reverend. There is outdated tech and Stephanie freaks out every other scene. Laura is disliked. The reverenced gets got when he doesn’t realise that Stephanie’s psychosis hangs grimly over her. The family are stupid and the senile grandfather is ridiculous. This was bad.

Stephanie kills many stupid victims. There is a chase scene. The husband to be, Ted, is an easily manipulated airhead. Ted’s cop friend yells at Laura. Things finally come to the bitter conclusion. Stephanie sees Ted with a stripper who doesn’t strip. There is a dream sequence and people mock the senile. Stephanie and Laura bitch at each other. Laura visits a Pan Am desk. There are jokes about yoyos. Stephanie stares menacingly and plans to kill Ted. Laura makes a threat to murder Stephanie and Stephanie is driven to kill by memories of her crazy big haired dead mother.

Laura is hysterical and has a fight with Stephanie who is wearing an 80s wedding dress. Stephanie shows her crazy and whips out a butcher knife. Laura smacks Stephanie with a baseball bat giving her a Disney villain death in the architectural death trap house. Oddly Laura and her mom jeans isn’t arrested despite making a direct threat to murder her unwanted sister in law. This was horribly bad with a music box of weirdness.

Best Lines:
“I’ve waited so long to find the right man; I couldn’t let you ruin it.”

“Is there something wrong with your heart?”

“I can’t understand you people.”

“See that bitch exposed.”

“Couldn’t love her enough.”

“She even ended up with my birthday present!”

“Such a pervert!”

“You’re actually serious?”

“A few bricks short of a load.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You don’t see her for what she really is!”

“What sick little game.”

“You even look like a mental case!”

“You dumb son of a bitch! Stephanie is murdering people!”

“Your mother’s really pissed.”

“He’s never been good enough.”

“Another deceitful bastard.”

“With her last fiancé!”

“What’s going on here?”

“You all lied to me.”

~
Night Warning aka Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1982)
This exploitation horror is based on the Oedipus myth. Susan Tyrrell, Julia Duffy and Bill Paxton star. This is a low budget morass of screaming and an aunt (Tyrrell) obsessed with her nephew. Eddie (Bill Paxton) is a classmate of the nephew and is a horrible bully. The nephew, Billy, has a girlfriend (Duffy). The aunt wants to sabotage Billy as she doesn’t want him leaving her. She kills a TV repairman when he turns down her advances kicking off a sleazy and sordid tale. The aunt heads for full throttle dementia. A crazy cop treats Billy like street meat and is satanic. This was trash.

Best Lines:
“Get that slut out of here!”

“This is a glass. We use this for drinking.”

“I gotta meet coach after I shower.”

“Some of us are better than others.”

“Thanks for the pickled tomatoes!”

“I’m wearing a skirt.”
“You could ride side-saddle.”

“College is for rich kids and people with brains. You wouldn’t fit in there.”

“Stay here and contribute something.”

“You’ve upset me.”

“No one’s going to stop me. Not even you!”

“I need a man.”
“Well it’s not going to be me.”

“If I know you, you’ll drop it.”

“You’re going to tell me again son.”

“You stupid bully!”

“You filthy pig!”

“Are you talking to me lady?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t.”

~
Kedi (2016)
A documentary about beloved street cats in the beautiful old city of Istanbul. This is in Turkish with subtitles. It shows various people caring for the much beloved moggies. There are various pretty shots of the city. This was a meaningful engagement and has a funny scene involving a man reminiscing about his father worrying he might be turning Christian. When he was a boy he cared for cats and when they died he buried them and made crosses out of twigs, after being inspired to do so by Clint Eastwood westerns. So his father freaked out. There is also a sad scene involving an injured kitten. This is a must for cat lovers.

~
Fun (1994)
This was a dull Alicia Witt issue movie.

~
Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th (2000)
Okay.

~
Wrong Turn (2003)
Walking and talking and inbred hillbilly cannibals. So dull.
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Hawkeye

Trailers, Quotes and musings on the Misty 1980 annual

‘Kedi’ trailer
A documentary about the street cats of Istanbul. They’re so cute and look well cared for. There are sleeping cats, staring cats, cats eating and so many cats. Cats sitting up high, cats fighting and sitting. Aawww.

‘47 Meters’ trailer
Mandy Moore and some other woman go cage diving. The cage falls to the bottom of the sea cue bad acting and a shark attack and flares and blood.

Best Lines:
“We’re sinking!”

“How deep are we?”

‘This Morning’ clip
A miniature guide pony craps on the carpet. Ha!

‘Pain and Gain’ clips
The victim nobody likes and the bbq. Ha!

Best Line:
“Was this a sex thing?”

‘Sanctuary’ trailer
Okay.

Gluten free dough balls - yum.
Cucumber and mint presse - yum.

I may review ‘Salem’ and ‘Into The Badlands’.

The ‘Angel 4’ poster looks naff.

Cast issues on ‘Hawaii 5-0’?

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Godless tyranny.”

“Historical substance.”

“Biologically rich.”

“He was in another world, one I couldn’t reach.”

“Territorial sea limit.”

“Bleating Europism.”

“Losing out all the time.”

“Water-dense foods.”

“Gets used to the cleanliness of the food.”

‘Eastenders’ Quote:
“Your feral kids run havoc.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“No contemporaneous written record.”

“Designed to be rejected.”

“Social origins.”

RTE News’ Quotes:
“Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?”

“Any form of organised co-ordination.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Duly expressed their approval.”

“What can he even do about it?”

“Treated with deep suspicion.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Want to be belligerent about it.”

"Putting me in a choke hold until I calm down."

"He can't even buy you food."

"Performing sex acts on the internet."

"She has to do sex tapes."

"Detained me."

"I'm ashamed of you."

“I can’t stand drama.”

“Causing chaos in the family.”

~
Read the ‘Misty’ 1980 annual. ‘Home For Tea’ sees teen potholers sent to the future. It was dumb. ‘The Haunting of Form 2B’ was a ridic tale of a hunted class. ‘A Little Night Music’ sees sailors killed by wreckers return for vengeance. It was bad. ‘A New Leaf For Nancy’ was a mad and silly tale of a magic tree. ‘Hand Of Vengeance’ is a daft tale. ‘String Of Seven Stones’ was daft. ‘The Chair That Chilled’ was a daft tale about a cursed chair. ‘Last Dance At The Disco’ was stupid.

Best Lines:
“You go to work then?”
“Think I’m a mug? I can make more at the bingo and National Assistance can’t I?”

“That stuck up lot next door!”
Cat

Colony 2x01 + Fearless 1x04 + Reign 4x04 Reviewed

Eleven, Thirteen
This is a flashback to the day of the Arrival. There is muttering about the Institute For Global Advancement. Sherman Augustus and Ally Walker guest star. What are the aliens? An alien was on Earth before the ships showed up. We see the Bowman clan before the aliens negatively impacted the family and caused Katie’s drastic personality overhaul, duplicity and conflicting ideology with Will.

This was all sentimentalism. Will annoyed his original partner. Nobody noticed the alien ships approaching Earth. GPS, TV and power went out. Was it an EMP? Snyder was an embezzler who was recruited to serve the aliens. He looked like he reeked of Brut. Will made moral decisions and bad choices. What happened to the VIPS? Snyder saved his daughter and left his ex behind because she was a shrew.

What happened to Will’s co-workers? People knew this was coming. Military types were wiped out. What happened to Maddie’s husband? Aliens attack. Will cycles along on his mountain bike and sees the wall come down. In the present: what was Charlie up to? Why was he hanging out with sketchy types? Bram is locked up and he is stupid. Will meets his former partner. This was dull and not powerfully conveyed. Nobody has moral responsibility. This was all negative factors with no active discussion about obvious weirdness. The aliens caused serious ramifications.

Best Lines:
“What’s happening was inevitable.”

“Good morning smaller Bowmans.”

“Don’t get mad at me. This is what your lawyer mandated.”

"This house is mine now."

“What kind of engineer needs a panic room?”

“Unranked secondary educational institution.”

“If society ends, we are the ones who are responsible for rebuilding it.”

~
Fearless 1x04
Kevin falls apart on the stand when it becomes clear that he may have murdered Linda. Emma communicates with a terrorist. Wild makes a speech. Heather sneers. Emma is awful. The terrorist wife shrieks and makes demands. Kevin is offered a plea deal. Emma lies and sneers and is awful. Annie tries to force Jason to love Kevin and rants. Kevin walks under a lorry. Heather menaces Wild. Emma is confronted by her terrorist client. Emma and her thug menace Tony. She threatens to slut shame Linda some more. Emma goes to America to find Linda’s American boyfriend. How did she get a visa? Who is Emma’s American friend? Emma menaces a military man. She gets locked up. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Attention seeking activist lawyers.”

“What did I achieve?”

“The girl’s back in the ground and no-one’s going to have the energy to dig her up again.”

“Who’s us?”

~
Playing With Fire
Bianca is in the woods hiding form the insane Charles. Catherine worries. Mary is a slack jawed idiot with Greer. This had no meaningful engagement. Mary doesn’t even have moderate decisiveness. Greer bad-mouths her husband and ignores her stepchildren. Mary is an instrument of calamity. Mary runs through the fields with her dog. Did TPTB know this was the last season? The plot is glacial and nothing suggests too much urgency.

Darnley prances. Queen Leeza is shrill. James fawns over Knox’s wife and Claude is shamed. Queen Leeza and Claude’s relationship is rewritten. Claude is to be locked up in a nunnery. There is talk of the late Henry VIII and the future Spanish Armada. Gideon annoys. There is a fire. Narcisse wants Claude to marry his son instead of heading to the nunnery. Nobody in France acts like they are catholic. Catherine promises to make Claude a widow. Mary and Darnley discuss the crown matrimonial. Claude marries in a modern day dress. Leith is alive. There is bad acting and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“The King is strange and cruel!”

“Who have I agreed to marry?”

“Not feeling up to being King again today?”

“The Valois are not beloved.”

“What kind of hunting are you doing? When Bianca fled, were you giving chase?”

“May matrimony set you on a more honourable path.”

“Poisoned seeds of discontent.”