June 11th, 2017

To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: Live And Let Die + It's A Wonderful Life

Live And Let Die (1973)
This mess has bell-bottoms, voodoo, Roger Moore, Yaphet Kotto, Jane Seymour, Gloria Hendry, a crocodile bridge and few hints of danger. This was not chillingly plausible. Moore is all aggressive earnestness with a trouser-rubbing tone. There is no sense of the emotional solitude of a spy. This was unsatisfying and not well-intentioned.

Best Lines:
“Whose funeral is it?”

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
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Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and musings on issues 63-69 of Misty

‘The Mummy’ TV spot
The ‘Dark Universe’ looks dumb.

‘DC Superhero Girls’ ad
Since when is Harley Quinn a hero?

‘Poldark’ promo
Go away.

‘Churchill’ TV spot

RIP Adam West.

‘The Man From UNCLE’ is called ‘Solo Fur ONCEL’ in Germany. ‘It’ is called ‘Es’ in Germany.

Recall the ‘Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes’ cartoon from 1990?

Anyone ever watch ‘She Spies’?

There was talk of a ‘Dazzler’ movie in 1980?

I’d like to ride Switzerland’s fondue express.

Anyone see ‘White Hunter, Black Heart’ (1980)? Or ‘Bobby’ (2006)?

‘Savage Island’ delayed. Boo!

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Ensuing facial contortions.”

“Bellowing abuse.”

“Being very stupid in public.”

“With a third-division footballer’s haircut.”

“Slimy right wing bastard.”

“Cast off the guilt.”

“No one ever really tried to prevent it.”


“We were all waiting their time.”

“My needs were irrelevant.”

“The language we now use to discuss it did not exist.”

“Knicker snatcher.”

“If ever a punch was justified, this one is.”

“Ineluctable truth.”

“Recasts local objection to tomb-looting as something supernatural, malign and irrational.”

“He is a figure to be mistrusted, although when he reveals his name and his destiny,”

“Honest loyalty.”

“The youth culture of long ago.”

“Pleasure wives.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Very valid concerns.”

“One rose from a gas station.”

“My own dignity.”

“Layabout worthless mooch.”


“You’re currently living in your car.”

“Emotional incest.”

“Not coming home at all.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Deterministic settings.”

“Remembering important events in his life.”


“Cultural betrayal.”

“Transformative force.”

“Schismatic point in history.”

“Locked in the attic with the first Mrs Rochester.”

“Wasn’t important enough to the area.”

“Decisive first strike.”

“Little tolerance for different opinions.”

“You know, the interesting ones.”

“Whose conservatism was beyond any scale of measurement.”

“A bland figure inexplicably beloved by all and sought for her irrelevant counsel.”

“Aren’t they told?”

‘Versailles’ Quotes:
“I shall forget her.”

“Make her dead.”

“You should be.”

“In the gutter of history.”

“Discovered something she was not meant to.”

“Someone chaste and devout.”

“Modesty and piety.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“I can’t do the name tags.”

“Directly menaces the integrity of our homes.”

“A country without a summer.”

“Not indecent human beings.”

“To suit European TV schedules.”

“It all sounds like a workers’ co-operative in Cuba.”

Read ‘Misty’ issues 63 to 69. ‘The Dream House’ is a ghost story with a twist. ‘Uncle’s Nasty Hobby...’ sees another nasty relative cause creepy issues. It was okay. ’At The End Of The Rainbow’ is a soppy tale. ’Run, Rabbit, Run!’ is an okay tale of bullying and vengeance. ‘The Evil Dijnn’ sees a nurse meet a genie. Bad things happen. ‘An Eye For An Eye...’ sees a spoilt Roman woman persecute a family of leopards and she lives to regret it. This was historically inaccurate but very good.

One Bite Of The Apple...’ sees 2 horrible girls get got. ‘One Hour In Time’ sees an awful girl get got. No. ‘Perfect Specimen’ is a good tale of things preserved in amber. ‘Twin Catastrophes’ is a semi-incoherent tale of a lost sister. ‘Wolf Girl’ is a ridic tale of a former feral child. ‘Forever Winter...’ is a highly negative tale. ‘Cry Baby!’ is the tale of a bullied foster child and the core threat of her ‘sister’ and the unalloyed delight she takes when the feminine menace pays for her sins. This was excellent.

‘The Collector’ is the tale of a post box that is a sentient malevolent totem of evil. It causes travails that are taken seriously in the plot. This was okay. ‘The Disembodied’ is a tale without depth and meaning as a girl violates acceptable human behaviour and pays for it. ‘Welcome Home’ is about a firestarter and the darkening time she causes, that leads to predictable tragedy. ‘A Room Of Her Own’ is a tale of a fake haunting that assumes darker connotations. ‘Catch Me If You Can...’ sees a girl make a friend and then she faces horror. This was very good. ‘The Devil’s Dummy’ is about 2 girls, a ventriloquist and his dummy. It’s a tolerably creepy tale.

Best Lines:
“I need your emergency disinfestation squad.”

“Cackle, cackle, cackle.”

“The locals don’t hold with such places.”

“Let’s all have a cuppa, and calm down.”

“Strong of wind and limb, with years of work in her!”

“Dad’ll do his nut.”

Book Review: The Gospel Of Loki

The Gospel Of Loki by Joanne M. Harris
From the author of ‘Holy Fools’ and ‘Gentlemen & Players’ comes this tale of the fictive past of the opaquely motivated, havoc wreaking trickster god. Loki has no concept of respectful, informed discussion. He also cannot stand the dude vibe of Asgard and the relatively flat prose shows the consequences of his lack of continual loyalty and personal restraint. The morally questionable Loki is the instigator of the gods downfall.

This was devoid of any nuance and was full of un-dramatic dialogue and didn’t even manage to be entertainingly awful. Ill-fated Loki has such lack of menace that his sinister intentions and the ceaseless outrage he causes with infuriating randomness causes no febrile excitement. Loki is gloriously confident and insufficiently respectful and full of delusional promises and pomposity. This was not even gloriously silly.

Best Lines:
“But that’s another story, one for a darker, colder day.”

“Folk who were keen to do him harm.”
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Shadowhunters (2016 - 2019) 1x01-1x04 + The Kennedys: After Camelot (2017) + iZombie 2x02 Reviewed

The Mortal Cup
I was eager to see this adaptation of the Cassandra Clare novels. I was also eager to see ’The Vampire Diaries’ and that turned out to be crap but this is okay.  It has a low budget. The stele looks like a light up club wand. The title card is okay but bonk-eyed Clary is a charisma vacuum. Alan Van Sprang of ‘Reign’ pops up as baddie Valentine.

Clary’s BFF is wind-up merchant Simon. Clary’s mother Jocelyn carried out a campaign of lies and now they fall apart. Clary learns of the world of the supernatural. Clary is stupid and the seraph blades look like toy lightsabers. The runes look like ringworm and there is reckless malice.

The shadowhunters have relentless sass. Luke is humourless. Clary is vacuity and bad choices. This was mildly pleasurable but it had no oaken richness. Jace is all benign menace. Bane is all dark imaginative power. Clary is profoundly confused and has a tone of incomprehension. Jocelyn has implacable and powerful enemies. The fights are badly choreographed. There is no panache or imagination as Clary meets Jace and plunges into the world of the shadowhunters who fight evil.

The Circle seem to be Valentine’s cadre of baddies. Clary feels forsaken and disliked. Valentine hangs out in Chernobyl and is the source of all social evil. There is not a hell of a lot of subtlety here. Alec whines and this was okay.

Best Line:
“Is there a meth problem we have to talk about?”

The Descent Into Hell Isn’t Easy
Clary and Simon wander into the Institute. Simon flatly rejects sense. There is no astute insight here. This is not great or serious or particularly affecting. Exposition falls like cheese anvils. Hodge is semi-apologetic for his past with Valentine. The title card is nice. Clary has misunderstandings and is hilariously awful and contemptible.

Valentine has grasping avarice and no sepulchral glamour of evil. This was not sufficiently challenging. Clary wants grunty sex with Jace. Isabelle takes callous enjoyment in being mean. This was unserious. Simon is vituperous. Alec is self-assured seriousness. Bane the warlock prances and engages in atrocious behaviour. The Silent Brothers lurk. Simon is both jealous and desiring. Clary does dull surprise acting. SHUT UP Simon, with your ill-informed comments. There are more unnecessary complications. Dot the warlock is an idiot. This was mmmmm.

Best Lines:
“Hodge repented.”

“The night children.”

Dead Man’s Party
This tips over into melodrama. Nobody has ethics and morality. Clary is the worst. Simon is all venality. Alec and his clear-eyed ferocity no longer even pretends to be decent. There is tacky gold furniture. Simon faces the corrupting taint of vampires and makes flagrant errors. A Seelie finagles. Clary and Jace ride a demon energy flying motorbike. This was okay. There is slut-shaming and Simon whinging about being friend-zoned.

Best Lines:
“My little caramel.”

“Animated sack of meat.”

“Frame a narrative.”

“An overly involved process if you ask me.”

Raising Hell
Simon whines and takes a critical stance and adopts an aggressive, even menacing tone. He is the worst. Where is mortal threat Valentine? I’m sick of Simon and his unrequited love. Maureen wants Simon. Isabelle wears what looks like a Christmas decoration on her head. Christina Cox of ‘Blood Ties’ shows up as Simon’s mother. Bane lurks. What about Clary’s magic necklace? Bane overacts and is not wonderfully icy. Alec rants. This was okay. There is a demon summoning. Alec loves Jace and breaks a protective circle, nice going jackass. There is bad vfx and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“Their blood could be interesting.”

“I won’t offer again.”

“Pretty boy, get your team ready.”

“Does he normally just lay like that without moving?”

Part 1: Family Bonds
A follow up to the 2011 miniseries I didn’t watch. It begins in 1968 and has no deep character work and is full of bad wigs, fake noses and fake teeth. Jackie (Katie Holmes) has maddening hauteur and unshakeable opinions and overblown paranoia. The Kennedys are brought low again by RFK’s death. Ted (Matthew Perry) is fat. Jackie is wooed by the lurking Onassis (Alexander Siddig) and his fake nose. Why were this family so venerated? Why is Jackie so beloved? Joan is ignored and Ethel is shouted down.

Tacky jewels are worn. Jackie makes it all her own personal narrative. Joan (Kristen Hager of ’Gotham’) does silent lurking. This was full of various actors I hope never to see again. Jackie is apparently charming. The Kennedys witter on about some idealised future they are supposed to create. Perry can’t act. Christina Onassis sneers. This has a fug of desperation. Jackie does defiant shrugs, Ted is not an affable rogue and this was marginally less rubbish than expected. Is any of the Kennedy foundation myth true? Ted goes to Chappaquiddick; drink drives and leaves an intern to die in a sinking car. The fate of the intern is horrific, Ted shrugs it off. Ted isn’t even semi-apologetic for what he did. People should be incensed at Ted and his terrible treatment of women.

Best Lines:
“It’s our turn now.”

“How local it isn’t.”

“How many times is repeatedly?”

“Only sober 20 minutes a day.”

“Ted and scotch.”

“I’m finished with this. All if it.”

“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”

“I’ve nothing to wear.”

“It’ll never be more than this.”

“I dreamed things that never were and say: why not?”

“They’ll take what they can get.”

“It’s what Kennedys do.”

“When do I get included in all this?”

“We’re not like other families.”

“Let it stay buried with them.”

“I’ll get it all back for us.”

“You owe us!”

Part 2: New Beginning
Jackie = Joey Potter. She gets a fatal disease and is wan and saintly as she smothers John Jnr, also Caroline might as well not exist. Ted acts like the death he caused impinges on his fun. His fixers try to fix the received narrative and Ted whines about intergenerational memory. There is bad old age makeup. This has an unsentimental tone. Ted never recovered the respect he lost, he has become something unspeakable.

He has considered responses and thinks he’ll be ultimately beneficial. His fixers are disdainful toward the dead girl. They have non-critical loyalty. Even a priest is in with the Kenendys to protect Ted. This is an unsparing depiction of narcissists. Jackie whines and the sneering Ethel goes along with the Kennedy cult. Ari turns on Jackie after his son’s death. Ted rants about health care. There are time skips. JFK Jnr whines and Ari dies and the Onassis’ vanish. Did JFK Jnr care at all about his stepfather?

Jackie dies after a prolonged bout of tantruming and saintly invalid acting and John Jnr unwisely marries. Jackie admitted she lied about Camelot. John Jnr shrugs that off and goes flying. Okay.

Best Lines:
“I’m ashamed by that.”

“Belongs to the men now.”

“How dare you be associated with this?”

“Be a Kennedy wife and raise Kennedy children.”

“I want to feel valued.”

“A pretty story to wrap it in.”

“Overblown and melodramatic.”

Zombie Bro
Liv eats frat boy brains. Major whines. Liv’s roommate has a secret. Blaine bores and his vile father (Robert Knepper!) shows up. Liv whines and Major does drugs. Yawn.

Best Line:
“Everyone looks like a drug dealer in this lighting.”