May 23rd, 2017

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Dawn Of The Dead + Epic Movie + Beaches

Dawn Of The Dead (2004)
This dull remake of the duller original starred Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames and Jake Weber. It has good opening credits but major logic gaps. How did they get into the mall? Why are the security guards so endlessly belligerent? This was anything but impressive and was calamitous. This shows the dire consequences of stupidity and self-delusion. There are cameos from 2 stars of the original.

This was not made with any discernable logic. Nobody has poise or confidence. There is bad CGI and ruthless abandonment of human decency. There is mumbling and a porn-tache. There is anger and fear but no unaffectedness or assurance. Matt Frewer has a cameo as does a guy from ‘Stargate: Universe’. How does the mall have power? There is a zombie baby which isn’t as unnerving as it should be. Why are the zombies fast? TPTB remade ‘Night’, ‘Dawn’ and ‘Day’. WHY? ‘Land of the Dead’ and ‘Diary of the Dead’ were okay and better than this.

Tragically and inevitably, this heads towards the expected devastatingly dark conclusion. Weber is disarming. Why is Polley wearing bright red lipstick after the fall of civilization? There is an ‘A Team’ montage as the gang of tools fortify mall shuttle buses to escape to an island. The plan to escape to said island goes about as well as you’d expect.

Best Lines:
“What are they?”

“Maybe they’re coming for us.”

“We’re going to drive across a ruined city through a welcome committee of few hundred thousand dead cannibals.”

“Back when there was 8 of us.”

“When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”

Epic Movie (2007)

Beaches (1988)
Was I supposed to care?
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Book Review: Holy Fools

Holy Fools by Joanne Harris
From the author of ‘Gentlemen & Players’ comes this tale of bleak misery and a wilful ‘nun’ named Juliette set during the early reign of Louis XIII. Juliette has a daughter and is reasonably content with her life in the nunnery. And then the new Abbess arrives. She is a spoilt stupid child and accompanying her and her glum litany of complaints is Juliette’s ex. He is masquerading as a cleric but is profoundly antisocial and has cold indifference to her as he has plans. This was a tale of lingering animosity, stupid people, emotional dependence and unadulterated stupidity. This was dull futility and a mess. No, just no. Every character is an irritant.

Best Line:
“Warned her against me.”

Agents Of SHIELD 4x17 + Shades Of Blue 2x10 Reviewed

Identity And Change
TPTB want to endow Coulson with stupefying virility. Daisy is entirely devoid of objectivity or intelligence. Agents of Hydra, indeed. Daisy is self-pitying. Mack has a daughter named Hope? A stupid daughter. Hydra is impressively bad.  Coulson is manifestly unsuited to sense. Jemma is openly dismissive of Ward. Her loathing for him never abated. She is contemptuous of sense. What is Project Looking Glass? Madame Hydra aka Ophelia is a toxic temptress. Fitz is unapologetic, which makes his loathing of real Ward a joke.

There is torpor acting. Daisy is unaffectionate to Ward. May and her horrific callousness causes one to be impatient with her temperament and behaviour. This was utter nonsense. Jemma and her pious ranting is infuriating. Who is Jeffrey Mace and why is he growling and dirty looking? Daisy has no moral imperative and treats Ward with detachment and indifference. Jeffrey aka The Patriot is perfunctory. All the actors put aside nuance and charisma. This isn’t as good as 4x16. People flee the wanton imposition of the Hydra nation. May has deep seated conviction and inexhaustible love for Hydra.

Mack’s daughter watches ‘Chopping Mall’? Hydra took the SHIELD academy? No one objected? Jemma sneers and needs to shut up. May has no physical menace. Poor unlamented real Ward. Reconceived Ward has no apparent joy. Fitz has no quiet depths, he yells and twitches like a meth-head. He is all impatient fury. Cold and quiet Madame Hydra is ruinous. Nobody is calmly rational. This lacks impact.

May is shameful and her utter conviction bores. Jemma has lofty disregard. Radcliffe is teasingly opaque. Who is Agnes? Is Madame Hydra wearing a cape and trying to look like Kylo Ren? Madame Hydra doesn’t like the name Aida and wears a Hydra pin. This was okay. Agnes and Madame Hydra look alike. Why is Radcliffe hanging out with Agnes who looks young enough to be his daughter or grand-daughter? Eew. Jemma has not gained any perspective.

Best Lines:
“A virtual prison.”

“Mind control soap.”

“Follow their rules. Always.”

“We will make out society great again.”
“Hail Hydra.”

“SHIELD won the war. Hydra lost.”

“Hello again, traitor.”

“Things have gone dreadfully wrong.”

Whoever Fights Monsters
Harlee lies and shows what an awful person she is. Linda shows up. Nobody has shrewdness. The devastating effects of Woz’s actions go on. Smarmy reprobate Stahl has a vengeful quest. Miguel’s body has been moved but a tooth has been left behind. Christina rants about Harlee’s maternal role - or lack of one. Nobody has a moral backbone. This was not particularly fascinating. Nobody has want, will or resilience. Woz has a little black book. The IA guy tries to look and sound important. Woz tries to stave off near unanimous opprobrium.

Woz and Harlee and co dare not weary of the task of being murderous jerks. Was Tess even in this? Judgemental statements are made but nobody has contrition. Stahl has questionable perceptions and is suspended. How is he wandering around Harlee’s apartment without any of the 3 people in it noticing? Woz murders a mob moll and a mob guy. This is his statement of intent. There are sinister implications.

Best Lines:
“I know that trick too.”

“You can’t keep that promise.”

“Nothing is okay.”

“Worse kind of bad guy.”

“Looks less than good.”

“Side piece.”

“Disturbing abuse of power.”

“Take the dog for a walk. Violence upsets him.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Valor’ promo
This military drama looks good.

Best Lines:
“Missing isn’t an answer.”

“That decision we made? It was a mistake.”

‘Deception’ promo
A magician helps the FBI. Vinnie Jones is in this and I like this.

Best Line:
“Some money. Lots of that.”

‘The Crossing’ promo
Refugees from a war in the future show up in a small town. Intrigues.

Best Line:
“Take me to the dead.”

‘Dynasty’ promo
This reboot has shoes, slutty Fallon boffing the chauffeur and they are the 1% of the 1%.  Blake (Grant Show!) hooks up with Cristal. What company does Blake run and why does Fallon want it? Alan Dale is in this. There is a cake, wedding cake decoration chewing, flower petals, dress ripping and a cat fight. This looks camp.

Best Lines:
“Spent the median household income on jet fuel.”

“Who the hell are you doing here?”

“Wives just come and go.”

House Of Cards’ promo ‘A Message From The Underwood Administration’
The pretty serious Claire has a certain elusiveness and surrounds herself with really bad choices. There is icy delivery and unsettling certainty.

Best Lines:
“Choosing to dwell on the past.”

“Watch each other.”

‘United 93’ (2006) promo

‘Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge’ TV spot
Hell no.

‘Hex’ promo

Best Line:
“Sleeping in fear.”

‘A Beautiful Mind’ (2001) promo

‘Speed 2: Cruise Control’ (1997) promo

‘Instinct’ (1999) promo

Single origin Dominican Republic 46% milk chocolate - okay.
Salted caramel coconut milk yogurt alternative - okay.
Fresh lemon diary free ice cream alternative - okay.
Rawbites gluten free caramel slice - okay.
Cold press pure orange juice - okay.
Warm Apple & cinnamon tea - weak.

When is ‘The Devil’s Candy’ DVD coming out?

I won’t review ‘Gotham’ 3x07 ‘Red Queen’.

Anyone see the 1994 ‘Priest’? Or the 1987 ‘Roxanne’ or the 2010 ‘A Turtle’s Tale’?

There is an ‘Easy Money’ 2&3?

There is to be a ‘Supernatural’ crossover with ‘Scooby-Doo’?

‘Follow Me Down’ Quotes:
“Wayoata was the kind of crappy town where angry, awkward outcasts went on shooting rampages.”

“His long-standing status as the good guy.”

“Approval-seeking by-products.”

“The woods that always felt like they were watching you back.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Unrelenting financial intimidation.”

“The locals used to have a thing for coups.”

“Suing the state for 30 years.”

“Scandalising allegations.”

“Discovered prehistoric bison bones, skeletons of victims of the Black Death and the remains of a Roman highway.”

“Recounting the wrongs done to him by bad women.”

“Found dead in suspicious circumstances.”

“With considerable understatement.

“Aching to offend.”

“No female character here gets a name unless they’re a prostitute or a murder victim.”

“Women are so uninteresting to Ritchie.”

“Now said to be a recluse.”

“A fleet of dwarves carrying platters of cocaine strapped to their heads.”

“Collusive silence.”

“The immutable laws of consequence.”

“Operational necessity.”

“You think the ideas you’re having are brilliant because you’re having them.”

‘Sunday Independent’ Quotes:
“Nut country.”

“Seeking recognition of his treachery.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“They are coming for you.”

“Fake claims.”

“Dementia tax.”

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:
“Few are regarded as important and none as definitive.”

“Historians are not really impressed by him.”

“Such obvious contempt.”

“Standards of male responsibility.”

‘The Zoo’ Quote:
“No hope for him.”

‘Vicious’ Quotes:
“Practically melting on the rug.”

“More of a door stopper at this point.”

“This isn’t the time to contribute.”

“Worthless prat.”

“Pouring your blandness onto every surface.”

“I also killed a prostitute on ‘Coronation Street’.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Not feel mocked.”

“It’s always about you.”

“Eliminate the shame.”

“Drain snake.”


“Inhibit your behaviour.”

“Nobody believes what I say.”

“My 39 birds.”

“You own that choice.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Exhibit contempt.”

“Very grave problems that the leadership does not seem to recognise exist, and cannot or will not solve.”

‘3News’ Quotes:
“Of good and sober behaviour.”