May 11th, 2017

Illya K

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Mist’ trailer
Birds, cops, mist and it’s coming. There is gore, breathing, running and weirdness.

Best Lines:
“Nobody move.”

“People start doing bad things.”

Arbor Demon’ aka ‘Enclosure’ promo

‘Bionic Showdown’ (1989) promo
Sandra Bullock!

‘King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword’ TV spot
Blackens the heart and is inimical to joy.

‘Alien Covenant’ TV spot

‘It’ trailer
Kids, sepia and a voiceover. They explore the sewers and there are balloons and a clown. No.

Best Lines:
“You probably have crabs.”

“Derry pee.”

“So unsanitary.”

‘The Flash’ sizzle
Everybody lick-arses Barry. Snart lurks as does a shark. There is more time travel and Barry is smug. There is Wally, Killer Frost and people cackle. Yawn to Barry’s inescapable final downfall.

‘Diary Of A wimpy Kid: The Long Haul’ TV spot

How To Be A Latin Lover’ promo
A gigolo needs a new job. Ha!

Best Line:
“Horse testosterone.”

‘Fair City’ promo

‘Tin Man’ trailer
Iffy VFX and secrets.

‘The Flash’ 3x22 promo
Enough with the Iris obsession!

‘Arrow’ 5x22 promo
“My friends have orders to kill yours.”

‘Wonder Woman’ trailer

Extra hot & fiery salsa - okay.
Morello cherry coconut milk yoghurt alternative - okay.
Salted caramel chocolate on a dark truffle layer - no.
Garlic & olive flavour crisps - nice.

RIP Robert Miles.

WTF are cloud eggs?

Anyone read Edwina Curry’s ‘A Parliamentary Affair’?

Anyone see the 1991 ‘Hear My Song’? Or ‘The Red Hand Gang’ or ‘When Saturday Comes’?

Recall Scooch at Eurovision? Or Dana International?

They’re rebooting ‘Hellboy’?

‘iZombie’ renewed again, HOW?

There will be ‘Deadpool’ and ‘Judge Dredd’ tv shows?

‘Gotham’ renewed and ‘Sleepy Hollow’ axed. Heh.

Recall ‘The Henderson Kids’?

‘The Return Of The Man From UNCLE’ Quotes:
“My pen hasn’t talked to me in some time.”

“The decadent delights of Western civilization.”

“I need you Illya.”

“Your persuasive rhetoric.”

“Old loyalties die hard.”

“Russian Café.”
“Right, yes, yes. Where else? Yes.”

“Used to work together. But that was a long time ago.”

“He’s in trouble.”
“I’m not interested.”

“Death was an occupational hazard.”

"I'm still not interested."

“A fat sweating weasel.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“We didn’t want to be the difficult parents. Opting out marks you out.”

“Curiously ill-loved.”

“To which all eyes now turn.”

“Elicited surprisingly little joy.”

“Furniture crawling.”

“She is no longer wanted.”

“Skiing out of Nazi-occupied Poland with the first evidence of Operation Barbarossa-”

“Protect their relationship.”

“Unconventional domestic arrangements.”


‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“I can’t talk to you, my wife doesn’t want me to.”

“Lazy and complaint media.”

“An instructor rumoured to make trainees lick the drill yard clean,”

“Training in men’s uniforms because women’s didn’t exist.”

“Been too famous for too long.”

“I started running and after three blocks hid behind a skip.”

“I see no good in you,”

“Get hired through his introduction.”

“Presumably mystified American wrestlers.”

“Subgroup of a subgroup.”

“Didn’t draw too much attention to their otherness.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Lewd lifestyle.”

“Hatred knows no bounds.”

“Who needs to pray with a red thong on?”

“Going to Starbucks to read the bible.”

“Stole her wedding ring and pawned it.”

“End me.”

“Stole a rifle.”

“Blames them for his lack of success.”

“Meant to hurt us.”


“Whatever choice he makes, he owns.”

“To his credit.”

“Do I look like a threat to society?”

“Our business is our business.”
“Not in my house.”

“You don’t hear my words.”

“Go to weed.”

“This is not a good story for you.”

“Some form of stability.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Caveman hookers.”

“Mr Blasty.”

‘Fearaibh Fionntra’ Quotes:
“They’re bad bastards.”

“He ate the door.”

“God damn him.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Toadie, Nell and Sonya have the prime spot in the credits. Shane’s family are trash. Shane’s relative has reported Tyler to the police for punching T-Bone.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Tegan loves stealing other women’s men. She did it with Leela and now she does it to Holly. Maxine and Adam don’t get married and then they do. Maxine acts like the pitied party. Darcy is a bitch. Storylines have no fixed endpoint. There is no deep appreciation for this. Maxine slaps Darcy. This has no lyricism. Adam is a twit. Holly is a slag. Tegan the slag is pregnant. Darcy is trash. Hunter and Prince’s menacing element dad returns.
Scary Books

Book Review: Norse Mythology

Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman
This is a retelling of the myth-cycle of the Norse gods. Thor, Odin, Loki and others have their hates, feuds and fates retold. This is told in an assured voice. This is a tale of thicko Thor, the loathsome Loki and the god’s illusory rule. Why does Loki not have great intentions? Why is he socially shunned? Why do the gods inhabit such a hostile landscape? Why does Loki have such an unprecedented level of hostility? Why does he have such guileless truculence? Why does he do such shameful deeds? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“When something goes wrong, the first thing I always think is, it is Loki’s fault. It saves a lot of time.”

“Loki looked down and did his best to appear ashamed.”

“He dropped Loki from high above his head on to the floor.”

“He had lost a number of otherwise excellent weapons by throwing them at things that irritated him and missing,”

“Shame was not Loki’s way.”

“Threatened to use Mjollnir to shut Loki’s evil mouth for good.”
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To Light The Way To Bed

Wonder Woman (2011) + The Flash 3x20 + Supergirl 2x19 + The Blacklist: Redemption 1x07 Reviewed

Wonder Woman (2011)
This unaired pilot is full of bad acting and naff VFX. Wonder Woman runs around in an ugly costume looking like a stripper. People love her with fervent feigned enthusiasm. Wonder Woman is beloved and there is an ugly title card. Adrianne Palicki, Cary Elwes, Elizabeth Hurley, Edward Herrmann, Dr Phil and Nancy Grace star.

Wonder Woman’s plane isn’t invisible and she funds her crime fighting via her big company that sells merchandise of herself. Her ID is public but she can’t get a man. This has no emotional impact and she remonstrates. Wonder Woman’s outfit has a 1970s teen runaway meets her new pimp vibe.  Nancy Grace likes Wonder Woman. Dr Phil is not a fan of Wonder Woman. The temptation to mock kicks in quick.

Wonder Woman aka Diana grimaces and fumes and is disparaging. This was all banality and defiant gazing. Sense is systematically ignored. Diana has a constant snide tone. No wonder this was not given serious consideration as a TV show. Diana has no patience and persistence. Henry (Elwes) is Diana’s shrink and he has 90s David Beckham hair.

Diana is Wonder Woman, an industry head named Diana Themyscira who everyone knows is Wonder Woman and her secret ID is that of Diana Prince. Her secret identity of Diana Prince does nothing but hang out with her cat, watch a Ryan Gosling movie and fuss over Facebook. WTF is the point of the Diana Prince ID? Anyway people have biddable readiness to obey Diana. Veronica Cale (Hurley) is the big bad, of this ep. Diana does a press conference condemning Cale and her posh accent.

Cale points out that Diana treats others as lesser. Wonder Woman wants to be popular and sell products via Themyscira Industries. This has no serious nature and is inexplicably horrifying. This is mind-numbingly stupid. This shoe-horns lessons in. ‘The Hitchhikers’ ep of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ was better than this. Steve Trevor shows up in flashbacks. How they met is never explained. She dumped him but misses him.

Wonder Woman (Palicki of ‘Red Dawn’, ‘G.I Joe: Retaliation’, ‘Supernatural’ and ‘Agents of SHIELD’) is a ranting lunatic with a menacing glare. A boy named Willis dies. Anyone who hates Wonder Woman is wrong and a baddie. You cannot doubt the psychotic vigilante in a tiara who sells dolls and has everyone’s admiration. There is no mention of her Amazon upbringing and none of this makes sense. She never uses the lasso.

A senator (Herrmann of ‘The Lost Boys’ and ‘Gilmore Girls’) points out that Wonder Woman is not human. Cale makes super soldiers and gets hurled into a wall. Wonder Woman wears tiny shorts and her bracelets are tiny. Curse you David E. Kelley for this crapitude! The shorts vanish and she is wearing leggings again. Steve Trevor shows up working for the Justice Department and he’s married. Oh you just know Wonder Woman would kill the wife. This was unconnected with reason.

Best Lines:
“Reeled him in like a trout.”

“Lasso of truth.”

“Diana Prince is a lie.”

“I wish you’d killed him.”

“Need you a lot.”

“All from ghettoes by the way.”

“She called me an action figure.”

“Your hero capital.”

“Steroid slave trade.”

“We love you Wonder Woman!”

“Injured my employees, some catastrophically.”

“Lonely. Profoundly so.”

“I’m feeling misunderstood.”

“Threaten me in some way.”

“Merchandise my tits!”

I Know Who You Are
Joe and Barry lie. Has anyone told Snow’s mother that her daughter has gone crazy? Where did Killer Frost get her super-villain outfit? HR sleazes. This was enfeebled. Cisco sneers at Julian. These people are jerks. Killer Frost acts like she has drug troubles. Cisco is useless. Killer Frost sluts it up. Snow is nicknamed The White Witch. Iris is useless. People act like Killer Frost is incapable of intending evil. This was sap. An annoying woman lurks. Where is Tina? Joe is AWFUL. Barry lies and would rather stick his dick in the garbage disposal rather than be honest. Barry is Savitar, like duh. Where did he get that armour?

Best Lines:
“Scary precise.”

“This isn’t you.”
“It is now.”

“Jack Frost’s sister.”

“I am the future Flash.”

Maggie doesn’t think Supergirl serves the best interests of the city. Mon-El annoys. Kara is selfish. Where is Max Lord? Rhea befriends and manipulates Lena. I’m sure that’ll end badly for Lena. Alex is in peril. Winn bores and James is AWOL. There is not a mention of him or Max Lord. Supergirl lists all the people who know her secret identity and Max Lord isn’t mentioned. He knows. Where is he?

What is Rhea planning? An old school friend of Alex and Kara wants his father busted out of jail. Kara is selfish and Maggie is not listened to. Why doesn’t Kara ask Lena for help? Why is Kara so stupid? How did Maggie get into the prison? How did she steal all that stuff? Kara is the WORST. This was okay. Why is anyone listening to Kara’s specifying and platitudes? Alex beating on someone is funny apparently.

Howard ups the ante to get Halcyon back from Scottie and stop it being a rich woman’s vanity project. There is unnecessary attention seeking and this was good. There is hostile posturing and Scottie continues her interminable extreme over-reactions to everything. Tom sees Liz. Didn’t he kick her in the face in season 1? Liz’s acting is still woeful. Scottie has persistent non-engagement with sense. The lumbering plotline of Scottie’s male escort goes on. Tom and Scottie have a confrontation. He hates her, she isn’t sorry and Howard rants. The FBI is useless. Tom and Howard bond. There is a reveal and Howard is from Warsaw?

Best Lines:
“They didn’t seem to care.”
“Make them.”

“I’m not calling you.”
“Then why is my phone ringing?”