May 4th, 2017

Sergio Balleseros

Book Review: Skitter

Skitter by Ezekiel Boone
This sequel toThe Hatching’ is sadly nowhere near as good. This long and sprawling tale sees the spider apocalypse go on. But it seems mostly padding as we await Book 3. Do you hate spiders? Well they don’t like you either. 8 legs, 2 fangs and an attitude.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘House Of Cards’ season 5 trailer
WTF is with Underwood’s accent? Underwood plots, the reporter plots, Underwood’s opponent tantrums and WTF is going on?

Best Line:
“One nation: Underwood.”

‘Gotham’ 3x17 promo
Mr Freeze is shirtless and Penguin and Riddler yell. Heroes rise my ass.

‘Dracula: The Series’ opening credits
Synth music, spinning, bats and teeth. Cheese.

Righteous Kill’ (2008) promo
No.

‘Bedazzled’ (2000) promo
No.

‘I, Robot’ (2004) promo
No.

‘The Italian Job’ (2003) promo
No.

‘Death Becomes Her’ (1992) promo
Ha.

Anyone see the 1998 ‘Merlin’?

‘Colony’ renewed!

‘Haven’ was not very good.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“False persecution.”

“Going on nightly Batman vigilante missions.”

“Ruined my name.”

“Fights with a 5 year old.”

“You are so hateful.”

“You’re attacking me when I first wake up.”

“There isn’t a real Batman.”

“80 mile an hour car chase.”

“Good ass weed.”

“Stolen their car 30 times.”

“Kicked holes in the walls.”

“Became combative.”

‘Dracula: The Series’ Quotes:
“Blood sucking thug.”

“BORING!”

“Conflict makes me thirsty.”

‘Line Of Duty’ Quote:
“I would throw the book at them - followed by the bookshelves.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Not getting the pitch of her approach correct.”

“Argued with some justification.”

“Were not heard.”

“Indifferent to my present.”

“Cascade of intervention.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Pub bores.”

“Tedious, muesli-fuelled bleatings.”

“Homes of multiple occupations.”

“Shrill, headline-seeking nonsense.”

“Insisting that they stop their fake grieving.”

“False equivalency.”

“I don’t think I’m being difficult.”

“Absolute destitution.”

“Fetid shadow of himself.”

“Standing around looking silly with his tummy hanging out.”

“To teach him a lesson, although he was never told what the lesson was.”

“They alone contain the truth of his life, or something approximating it.”

“Its fate is probably not a happy one.”

“False choice.”

“Dynamically position.”

“Cold-stacked.”

‘Arrow’ Quotes:
“Because it’s creepy.”

“Something that I haven’t told you guys.”
“Shocker.”

“Mrs evil.”

~
On ‘Neighbours’: Clementine the cat has made it to the opening credits as have Shane’s family. With astonishing irresponsibility there has been another accident with terrifying consequences. There is no moral leadership. Mark loves Sonya. Amy whines.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: this humilitainment goes on. Kim craves intimacy and decides to murder Grace. Maxine wears a tiny skirt and rages at Adam. Where is Myra’s baby? Where is Curtis?
Dollanganger

Movie Reviews: My Sweet Audrina + 3 others

My Sweet Audrina (2016)
This Lifetime movie adapts the classic 1982 Virginia Andrews novel. Audrina is tormented by memories of the first perfect dead Audrina by her oppressive, corrupt and violent father Damien. Arden lurks. Audrina’s dim and her cousin/half-sister Vera does not have apricot hair. They live in Whitefern which is a weird place. Audrina has avoidant personality disorder. This was confusing and opaque.

Why is Audrina deferential despite her anger, indignation and distress at her weird upbringing? This was not tantalising. There is no moral centre. Damien is inscrutable and sinister. Her momma is a drama queen. This was not relentlessly bleak just inadequate. This was all acrimony and has no dignified acts. Audrina (India Eisley) wails and Damien (James Tupper) leaves one deeply perplexed.

The novel was all inherently over the top weirdness, this was not believably intense. This was all missed opportunities. There is no gripping central conflict. This was not dramatically satisfying. Arden is creepy. Audrina’s mother over-emotes and dies. Audrina’s other sister does not appear in this movie. A piano teacher features. This was not gleefully provocative and lacks glaring intensity and dark minds.

Damien is crazy. Vera is determined and wilful. Damien’s venomous behaviour makes Audrina pathetic and scared. There are ongoing disputes and locked away emotions. Damien hates Vera and is causally cruel to her. Vera’s mother dies too. Arden and Audrina elope. Wasn’t she just a teenager? The sense of time passing is not clear. Teen Vera (Kacey Rohl of ‘Arrow’, ‘The Magicians’ and ‘Hannibal’) is replaced by adult Vera.

This was underwhelming and Vera is wildly inappropriate, cold and calculating. She is a poisonous influence. This was dumb, full of copious amounts of dumb.

Best Lines:
“Because of her I was never allowed to enter the woods or even go to school.”

“Newspapers never came on the day they were due.”

“That is not polite conversation.”

“You really are stupid.”

“Don’t be mean to me!”

“If you do, I’ll run.”

“Guide my fingers.”

“I don’t want to stop liking you.”

“Not the work of god.”

“Why can’t you be sweet and pure and obedient?”

“This house is my coffin!”

“What is this filth?”

“I’m worried about Vera.”
“Don’t be.”

~
William & Kate (2011)
This was crap. Let love reign my ass.

~
The Italian Job (2003)
Ha.

~
Death Becomes Her (1992)
No.
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Scary Books

The Blacklist: Redemption 1x06 + Supergirl 2x18 + Revolution 2x18 Reviewed

Hostages
Drugs are done. Scottie plots. Tom ponders. Howard doesn’t fall for Scottie’s crap. Scottie is evil. A kidnapper must be foiled. There are twists. Scottie goes on about sworn enemies and Tom is busted. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I’ll turn you into a pair of shoes.”

“I thought your confusion was benign.”

“Doesn’t sound like he’s bluffing.”

~
Ace Reporter
This was inconsequential and full of overwrought moments. This show is in a desperate and pitiful state due to Mon-El. Lena lurks and she has an ex. Kara is coy and acts like she is on Spice. Why is James still on this show? Winn is all ridicule and extremely dismissive. Kara acts awkward and weird. TPTB have inattention and ignorance of what is beneficial. This was not life-affirming. Kara has a self-indulgent obsession with Mon-El for whom I’ve vitriolic hatred.

This was superficial and damages reputations and dignity. Snapper Carr wonders why Kara is beyond criticism. TPTB’s culture of incompetence continues. There is mumbling and no unexpectedness. A nano-form attacks. Mon-El is voraciously annoying. Why is Kara besotted with him? Lena’s accent slips. There are more impulsively evil baddies and no competent actors. Kara gets her job back. Rhea looks up Lena. This repudiates quality.

Best Lines:
“Throwing said microscope at my head.”

“Dragged bleeding and raving from her house.”

~
Austin City Limits
Jason broods and says no to his vile father. Neville doesn’t care that his son was made brainwashed and crazy. No wonder he has long been seen as dubious. Jason has had it with his dad. Nobody is great and good. How did Jason find Monroe and co? Miles is such an ass. Bratniss bores. Monroe has no ingenious frankness. Jason has forced calm. Poor Jason. Bratniss won’t shut her fat mouth. This show disrupted our expectations. This was okay if not blisteringly powerful. Rachel is impersonal. This was not stylised or expensive looking.

Aaron and Priscilla bore. Monroe’s son broods. There is copious stupidity. Jason is put in handcuffs cos of his brainwashing. Nobody is sad that that happened to him. Where do they get chalk, clean clothes, gun parts, guns and shampoo? Miles needs a kicking. Where do hookers get sexy underwear? Jason’s Patriot cadet handler gloats. What did he do to the cadets to make them brainwashed and crazy? Jason tempts fate. Governor Affleck runs California.

Leg waxing exists. Things go awry. The cadet handler is messed up. Aaron needs to shut up. Miles says they should split up. Rachel stirs the pot. Monroe and his son are caked in orange fake tan. Jason’s skill set shows up when the plot demands it. Nobody notices the Patriots activating Jason’s brainwashing. Are there no female Texas Rangers? Bratniss defeats Jason in hand to hand combat and shoots him dead. Oh come on. Miles kills one of the Texas Rangers. There is fatalism and finality. I read up on the comics that wrapped up this show after it was cancelled: what a load of crap.

Best Lines:
“Do you even care what they’ve done to me?”

“You want me to walk it off.”

“Dumb, obedient, with low self esteem. That’s just how I like ‘em.”

“Sid and Nancy of frowning.”

“Living in a hellhole with a bunch of bikers.”