April 23rd, 2017


Versailles 2x01 + After The Funeral Reviewed

The Labyrinth
The French drama returns. William of Orange lurks, there is exposition, an orgy, non logic and Louis fawns over his mistress. There are continued poor choices and wilful strangeness and sadism. This was increasingly overwrought and unpromising. No one has amiability. Louis and his smell the fart acting and polyester wig annoys and is charismatically asocial. Where did his son come from? Fabian stomps around, seeing as he never existed, I wonder what will become of him.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. The Queen broods and snaps at the mistress. There is nudity and Fabian patiently represses rage. This was entirely ill-suited and there are inclinations toward tragedy. A fortune teller plots. Is this show going to do the Affair Of The Poisons? There is a situation of tension and Louis ignores how as an outlaw nation, France is an international pariah. This was mmmm.

Best Lines:
“New rules called etiquette.”

“The principle favourite in the royal household.”

“Very agricultural face.”

“Everybody hates you.”

“Your lineage disowned.”

“Time is no judge of loyalty.”

“Useful social tool.”

“Inevitable tidal wave of doom.”

“Involves hitting things, I’m sure you’d enjoy it immensely.”

Poirot: After The Funeral (2005)
Anthony Valentine and Michael Fassbender featured in this adaptation of one of Christie’s better novels. This was okay. A rich man has died and his family gather for the will reading. Are will readings even a thing?  His sister Cora shows up looking and acting and talking like a man in drag. She coos over a doll’s house, everyone smokes and George (Fassbender) is the expected heir. Except he isn’t and there is a new will. There is comedy and then Cora makes a claim about the death and a day later, she is hacked to death.

Poirot is called in to figure out which of the ghastly family members did it. Seemingly the cops do not care about an axe murderer on the loose. Cora’s ex-husband has zero reaction to her death George is recalcitrant. There is suspicion. George drinks, tantrums and berates his mother. He also gets his shirt off. The family are vile, yet another will shows up and there is the big reveal. The killer really can’t act.

Best Lines:
“Toasting fork.”

“Excessive to say the least.”

“Aunt Cora ran off with a penniless Italian painter.”

“He was murdered wasn’t he?”

“Hacked to death by an intruder with a hatchet.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Chosen + The Eyes Of The Beholders + Relics + Untamed

Chosen by P.C. and Kristin Cast
Heinous bitch Zoey returns in Book 3 of the ‘House of Night’ saga. I cannot believe this saga got 12 books while the far superior ‘Vamps’ only got 3. Zoey is hateful to her friends and her mother, ignores her siblings and takes evident glee in calling other girls sluts and hos. She has apparent unconcern about maybe murdering 2 people and street people being menaced.

She and her gang bully another student, utter dumb slang and make dated pop culture references. This does not form a cohesive whole. Zoey has a continuous refusal to operate in an ethical environment. This was badly written and the Casts have to be trolling their readers with this racist, sexist, anti-Christian, misogynistic crap. Surely someone wouldn’t write something this bad on purpose? Zoey screws a teacher which is shrugged off. This was ludicrous and wholly and entirely without merit.

Best Lines:
“She’s a lying slut.”

“There’s no such thing as privacy at this school.”

“Let me make love to you, baby.”

“I’ll make sure that little gang of friends deserts her.”

“A shiny present here, a pretty complement there, and you have true love and a popped cherry.”

“Ride him like a horse,”

Star Trek The Next Generation 13: The Eyes Of The Beholders by A.C. Crispin
This 1990 novel is turgidly boring. Crispin obviously dislikes the TNG cast as most of the time is spent on an original character, flashbacks and Data and Geordi being boring. An alien ship has such an effect on people they are unable to respond coherently and can not operate in an effective manner. The depiction of Andorians does not match with their depiction in later books. This was terrible.

Best Line:
“Would never know what they had unwittingly unleashed on the cosmos,”

Relics by Tim Lebbon
Book 1 of an urban fantasy trilogy sees a woman uncover the dark ugly world that lurks beneath London. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Subcultural theory.”

“Those diners still present and what they had been prepared to dine upon.”

Untamed by P.C. and Kristin Cast
In this profoundly wrong novel, the malevolent, belligerent and discourteous Zoey is back. It is Book 4 of the ‘House Of Night’ saga and Zoey is beamingly insincere and has a shameful lack of self-knowledge. She also does not like to be told what to do as it doesn’t sit well with her. There are vampires, gods, legends and abominable people in this horrid novel which is full of bad slang and even more dated pop culture references.

Best Lines:
“Everyone seemed to be reacting to me with their usual mix of respect and awe,”

“This is a no-ho zone.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Unforgettable’ TV spot

Best Lines:
“Are you threatening me?”

‘Rivera’ promo

‘Teen Mom OG’ promo
Oh go away.

‘Handsome Devil’ TV spot

‘Doctor Who’ 10x03 promo

Cranberry Presse - nice.
Crunchy orange shell with a chocolate centre - okay.
Sour Apple Refreshers - no.
Fruit salad candy - no.
Rib Eye steak - okay.

RIP Erin Moran.

What is blackboard paint?

I will review ‘Killer Game’, ‘Quick Sand’ and ‘Sweet Pea’.

There is to be a ‘Kong: Skull Island’ TV show?

I don’t like ‘The Devil’s Candy’ DVD art.

Another 10 eps of ‘The X Files’!

‘Southside People’ Quote:
“Children of good character.”

‘Unreported World’ Quote:
“Government demands a conservative dress code.”

“Generous resettlement grants.”

“Other defector TV shows.”

“Running water isn’t really a thing.”

“Black market bus service.”

“70% of defectors are women.”

‘Tracks & Trails’ Quote:
“A sad reminder of harsher times.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Ran around the hospital naked.”

“Went back to the streets.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Was accepted as a party wall.”

“British politicians are really scared of the Daily Mail to a quite astonishing degree.”

“Two uncharted German U-boats were found.”

“I don’t want no war again.”

“A bit less present and overbearing.”

“Asked him where his leather gear was. I love the leather gear. He said it was in the freezer. That it got overheated.”

“Cut grants for non-productive artists.”

“Defiance boils up within me.”

“Things can become hostile.”

“The proprietarily tone of her remarks was deeply concerning.”

“Not being sought-after.”

“A nursing home she is unlikely ever to be able to leave.”

“Inadequate and an insult.”

“Viewed as irresponsible and apathetic.”

“Can ill-afford to embrace.”

“Not in a good place with your career.”

“Dispel public mistrust.”

“Escalated beyond control.”

‘3News’ Quote:
“A heave was launched against him.”

‘Channel 4 News’ Quotes:
“The forbidden zone.”

“Rehearsal for invasion.”

‘Revolution’ Quotes:
“The deal was you help me get him back. Not point me in a vague direction.”

“Sent out to hunt and kill whoever they find. No questions asked.”

“We have a very special plan for him.”

“They won’t stop until we’re dead.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Confronts her aggressively.”

Sweet Pea’ Quote:
“The only thing Craig ever gave me that meant anything was bacterial vaginosis.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Warren cries, Freddie tries to kill Nick and goes on the run. Recall how he tried to kill Joe numerous times and got away with it? Didn’t he also kill Sinead’s cop boyfriend which has been forgotten. Are he and Sinead still legally married? What about Lexi? Freddie’s hammer and anvil strategy never works out well. Freddie leaves. YAY!

Movie Reviews: Petals On The Wind + Dracula Untold

Petals On The Wind (2014)
This boring sequel to ‘Flowers In The Attic’ is set 10 years later and opens at the funeral of Paul, the children’s adoptive father. Much is glossed over here as whole plots from the book are excised. Cathy talks about how he took them in, adopted them and sent them to school. How did he adopt them or send them to school? New actors play the 3 surviving children and cycles of abuse repeat and history repeats. This was astonishingly bad.

Cathy (Rose McIver of ‘iZombie’) rings her vile bitch mother Corrine (Heather Graham) to torment her. Chris is a medical student under Dr Reeves (Nick Searcy) and dates Reeves’ daughter. Corrine is married to Bart (Dylan Bruce) and bullies her stroke afflicted mother Olivia (Ellen Burstyn). Corrine pops pills, frolics, is draped in jewels and furs and administers angry hand jobs. No wonder she ends up in the nut house at the end.

Cathy does ballet and meets Julian. Corrine plots to send Olivia to a nursing home and is punitive and demeaning. She redecorates Foxworth Hall but doesn’t put in a fire suppression system which is to her cost at the end when she burns the house down. Carrie is bullied at school. Olivia raves about Corrine poisoning her children and damning her to hell.

Cathy and Chris have no side effects from being in the attic for 2 years. Carrie is short but that seems to be the only side effect she has. Corrine has denial and vanity and absolute disregard for her children and Bart. When Bart dies at the end, nobody seems to care. This had no lovely morbid touches. Chris is creepy and wooden. Julian (Will Kemp) is sullen. There is no heartbreaking emotion. Chris and Cathy get it on again and talk about a miscarriage she had. Corrine is cracking up. There is sex, Chris’ galpal has a bad Southern accent, Carrie is lectured about a cotillion and Yolande sluts around but doesn’t feature as heavily as she did in the book.

Cathy dates Julian who abuses her. Corrine can’t take responsibility. I felt disfavour for this. There are ugly clothes and even the high drama of Cathy exposing her mother’s sins and the reveal of what became of Cory’s body can’t make this good. Corrine didn’t drive the darkness out of Foxworth Hall because it is in her. Carrie screeches. Corrine has the attic plastered over and forgotten as she has Foxworth Hall gutted. Surprisingly the builders did not smell Cory’s corpse or see the Cathy Was Here graffiti.

Corrine deserves moral condemnation. A stereotypical black maid and nurse show up. Is it the 1970s or the 1960s? Cathy has her son Jory but Julian dies in a hilarious car crash. She ends up teaching ballet to kiddies. There are time jumps every other scene. Carrie gets a boyfriend who is nice. He is religious and asks her to marry him. It is casually brought up that Julian abused Carrie and then never mentioned again. Carrie wants Corrine to come to her wedding; Corrine ignores her so Carrie kills herself with rat poison which is kept next to the baked goods.

What sort of kitchen storage is that? And rat poison wouldn’t kill you. Cathy and Chris learn that Carrie wrote to their mother for years but Corrine had every single letter returned. Bitch move. Carrie begged her mother for love but the cloud of doom over the family destroyed her. Cathy is fond of verbal threats. Whole plots from the book have been razed. This is better than the book which isn’t saying much.

Cathy seduces stupid Bart. Corrine is blank. Poor fragile love-starved Carrie (Bailey De Young nee Buntain of ‘Faking It’). Cathy’s cold hearted revenge leads to the holy hag’s death and revenge being a mother as Corrine is in the nut ward screaming for the children who no longer love her. But the price was Cathy and Chris’ inappropriate relationship is out and they hide under fake names pretending to be married with Jory and Cathy’s son with Bart: Bart Jnr. I have no desire to watch ‘If There Be Thorns’. Cathy’s reunion with the grandmother and her revenge on Corrine weren’t dramatic enough.

Best Lines:
“Reap the harvest in hell.”

“Pretended to love me.”

“Take my rightful place.”

“Stranded at a bus depot with 30 dollars in our pocket and no hope in sight.”

“Tell them Corrine or I will.”

“You didn’t even bury him.”

“How could a stranger love us and she couldn’t?”

“Never escape this family.”

“I make the rules in this house now.”

“I know exactly what you can do.”

“So you’ve told me many times.”

“God already punished us once.”

“Pathetic old hag.”

“He was filth.”

“What took you so long?”

“2 years? Try 60 in this godforsaken house.”

“Why can’t you love me?”

“The intimates store.”

“I don’t want to be tripping over your crap.”

“It’s your money.”
“Yes it is.”

“Can I get you a doughnut?”

“Mom and Dad weren’t supposed to be together.”

“Forget the attic.”

“I want no part of it.”

“She doesn’t love us.”

“The devil didn’t make us that way, she did!”

“Everything I know about pain, I learned from her.”

“I’m finished, we both are.”

“God will forgive you.”

Dracula Untold (2014)
This was historically incorrect and casually awful.

Best Line:
“This is your loyalty? Your gratitude?”