December 24th, 2016


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Riverdale’ promo
What happened? Choices and consequences.

Best Line:
“I don’t know what I’m protecting.”

‘The Sand’ (2015) trailer
Moronic screaming teens get eaten by a monster in the beach. There is yelling and this looks dumb.

Best Lines:
“Nothing leaves this beach!”

“The sand! It ate everyone!”

‘Sharknado: The 4th Awakens’ trailer
Sharknados attack again! There are ‘Baywatch’ jokes, Carrot Top, Chippendales fighting sharks, a firenado, an oilnado and yelling.

Best Line:
“No, not that one. This one.”

‘Let It Shine’ promo

‘The Witness For The Prosecution’ promo
Oh yes.

‘Popular’ promo
Oh this went to hell.

Seriously strong coloured cheddar - okay.

I won’t review ‘Blindspot’ 2x06 ‘Her Spy’s Harmed’.

What was it with the 1970s and wood panelling?

A houseguest who gets water all over the bathroom floor and screams and complains and has the heat on too high. He doesn’t care if he blows the main fuse (again). Also he drops foul laundry on various floors and keeps kitchen chairs in his room and blares radios and is ungrateful and yells. Picks at his teeth for minutes at a go, puts ketchup on mashed potatoes, whines endlessly, fakes illness, pops painkillers, drinks and won’t go out of the room.

‘The Windsors’ Quote:
“Frying up a squirrel on a camper stove.”

“The homeless man you had disinfected.”

“Caught many unpleasant diseases, some of which are still in their dormant stage.”

“You? In the house?”

“They’re cretins that’s what!”

“A semi-respectable businessman.”

“In the shape of a pony.”

“Unsupported rumours.”

“Christmas is international arms dealers busiest time.”

“Stumbling into something.”

“Emptying the chemical toilet.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Your whole house smells like 1955.”

“Well versed in mysterious arts.”

“Aidan Turner towel scenes.”

“High-society bludgeoning.”

“Perceived lack of strong, dependable leaders.”

“Feel the heat of history.”

“Unprecedented in scale.”

“Polar night.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“A wretched lie at its heart.”

“Made a major contribution to her own dismissal.”

“Weak enough to let her do it.”

“We don’t want you.”

“Somebody else you once expected.”

‘Modern Family’ Quotes:
“What does he have to rebel against?”

“Really? Now?”

“Where did you meet Andy?”
“At the park chasing some children.”

“The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.”

“Inside the mind of pregoos.”

‘The Cook Who Changed Our Lives’ Quotes:
“Unchallenging menus.”

“In the presence of gastronomy.”

“How would you like to be waited on by a vestal virgin?”

“Vesuvius like eruption of garlic.”

“Nothing to do with Italy.”

‘The Local Eye’ Quote:
“In port the shops and the casino cannot be open, by law.”

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:
“That is how I am now regarded.”

“Becomes accepted as fact.”

“Allowed them to pursue me for the rest of my life.”

“You probably also think ‘Game of Thrones’ is a documentary about the middle ages.”

“Alarmist drivel.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quote:
“Seen as low-profile.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Upset jellyfish mating rituals.”

“Soy balls.”

“Ultra vegan invisible cheese.”

‘Citizen Khan’ Quote;
“Toilet not working.”

‘The Blacklist’ Quote:
“Tom better not be dead.”

‘Dead Like Me’ Quote:
“He’s old and dead.”

‘Due South’ Quotes:
“Anything happen?”
“In what sense?”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Cindy bought the Roscoe house. Leela and Cameron’s baby is born prematurely. James is outside all families. Matthew shows up again. Scott lingers. John-Paul is an arse. Scott plots and it turns out Cameron didn’t father Leela’s baby.

Book Review: Shadows On The Sun

Star Trek The Original Series: Shadows by Michael Jan Friedman
This 1994 novel sees the old coots sent to the world of Ssan were assassination is a holy ritual. McCoy’s ex wife is a diplomat involved in Ssan as is the lumpen oaf who is her new husband. He is there to be judged and disliked by readers. This is a decidedly uncosy take that has a strange blankness to it. Everyone is out of character and the plot is not fabulously original.

The whole assassin plot collapses under the weight of its own cod-philosophy and inarticulate suffering and cold anger. This is no complex exploration about the exacting nature of friendship. McCoy’s ex is a fastidious poseur and one can’t see why he would have been sexually enthralled by her or why reuniting with her would cause him very considerable distress.

McCoy’s raffish glamour is absent, Kirk is not a conciliator, the new husband has a lack of gratitude and this has no morbid thrill. This is not utterly atrocious but it is sick-making in places as flashbacks show McCoy’s existential despair due to base acts. His ex spews facetious platitudes, assassins have malign influence and this was a ghastly ghastly book.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: 300: Rise Of An Empire + Good King Wenceslas

300: Rise Of An Empire (2014)
Sullivan Stapleton, Eva Green, Lena Headey and Hans Matheson star in this sequel nobody asked for. Nobody wears clothes or has quiet dignity. Increasingly aggressive Persians and Greeks fight. This was bloated, self-indulgent and wilfully contrived. This fails to explore history in any meaningful way. There is gratuitous nudity and an evil woman. This makes Xerxes sympathetic but does little else.

Best Lines:
“Introduced to her wrath.”

“Shut your cockhole.”

“Had the stink of destiny about them.”

“Whispered the seed of madness that would consume him.”

Good King Wenceslas (1994)

Legends Of Tomorrow 2x08 + Outcast (2016 - 2018) 1x01-1x03 Reviewed

The Chicago Way
Did the Legion Of Doom watch the 1993 series of ‘The Untouchables’? Do TPTB make the Legends deliberately repugnant? There is no loving attention to grimy period details. When did Malcolm Merlyn join the Legion Of Doom? The LOD steal the show through sheer force of scenery chewing. Stein obsesses over his new time aberration child and lies. Tommy is acknowledged.

The LOD have lethal potential in 1927. They’re common chap blokes into morally indefensible things. Ness shows up. Nate has potent fury at Ray’s stupidity. Stein is a moron. Sara pretends to be a cigarette girl. Mick hallucinates Snart. What unexplained circumstances have brought the LOD together? It all goes awry. The Legends don’t know the speedster is Thawne.

The indistinguishable Ray and Nate fight. Malcolm is orange and has excessive hair-oil. He has suffered bad-ass decay. The LOD help Capone, there is no mention of him having syphilis. What is Damien up to? Sara is dim. One has coldly blistering contempt for the Legends and their moral stand and unabashed emotionalism. Nobody is a charismatic presence, as they whine about their angst of obligation. Malcolm has an obvious stunt double. This was not reasonably robust but was okay.

Sara truly truly believes she is righteous. Damien treats Malcolm as his bitch. Thawne has a map to the Spear Of Destiny that can rewrite reality. Rip Hunter is alive and in the movies in 1967. An improvement from the catastrophic creative decisions of season 2.

Best Lines:
“I was never meant for those things.”

“A dream that’s a lie.”

“Time is sacred.”

“He doesn’t look like Kevin Costner.”

“Al Capone becomes Mayor?”

“Cadaver’s cove.”

“You can undo brain damage?”

“My associate Bob De Niro.”

“Usually leaves the subject, well, dead.”

“He’s hanging out with your mother.”

“That’s Scarface.”

“Time-travelling psychos.”

“Live a better life.”
“Already found a better life. One without you in it.”

“Make a pretty good movie one day.”

A Darkness Surrounds Him
Kyle Barnes lives in self-imposed exile in this childhood home in Rome, West Virginia. I’ve never read the comic this is based on. This has nice creepy opening credits. A patina of faint squalor hangs over Rome. Demons possess people in town and bodily fluids fly. Reverend Anderson (Philip Glenister) and the police chief (Reg E. Cathey) hang out. Glenister does a better US accent then he did in ‘Demons’. Kyle is surrounded by mess including an ‘I Want To Believe’ poster and a Castle Greyskull toy.

Kyle and his weariness is cold-shouldered. Anderson tries to exorcise the awful demons. Kyle’s mother was possessed when he was a child. Kyle is treated with cool wary distance by townsfolk. Kyle’s sister Megan tries to help him but Megan’s husband Mark hates Kyle. Stupid teenagers lurk. Kyle has an estranged wife and daughter due to him being misbalmed.

Why is Kyle so special? What happened to Anderson’s family? Kyle beats the demons out of people and faces insurmountable ingratitude.  Kyle has societal anxiety, Mark is disdainful of Kyle and Kyle punches a possessed child in the face. This was good and prevailing local opinion is that Kyle is bad. WTF is The Great Merge? Abraham Benrubi shows up as Anderson’s caretaker.

Best Lines:
“We know what this is.”

“You want my advice? Run.”

“Irritated him severely.”

“Please go.”

“Do you even remember solid poop?”

(I Remember) When She Loved Me
Kyle tries to care for his mother Sarah. Megan meets with Kyle’s ex-wife. Where is Kyle’s father? Anderson has a small congregation and he has undisguised venom. A stranger (Brent Spiner) shows up. Megan’s brat daughter trouble stirs, she is obviously possessed. A tree grew around Kyle’s old bike. Church ladies (Melinda McGraw and Grace Zabriskie) babble and have pursed lips. People are sceptics about demons. Kyle’s ex is stupid and ungrateful. This was okay with audacity and poignancy.

Best Lines:
“He was not happy.”

“Evil wearing a face that no-one would expect.”

“Spew forth with the reek of the sewer.”

“He knows his trees.”

All Alone Now
A policeman (JR Bourne) thinks his murderous former partner Blake is possessed. Anderson and Kyle try to help Blake. Is Blake possessed or just a murderous jerk or both? Blake is kept in a dank room like something out of ‘Silence Of The Lambs’. Why is Kyle an outcast? Everybody roars at everybody else incessantly. This was shouty melodrama with gritty aspects. Demons are attention seekers. Kyle faces public vilification and has no sense of security and is trapped in awful circumstances. Megan obsesses over a man named Donald. Who is he? Why is Rome a place of congregation for demons? Things go awry and Anderson has doubts. There is an unexpected turn of events and Kyle the accursed son of Rome will have to do something.

Best Lines:
“Giving each other herpes.”

“Silence beast!”

“Is this actually your job?”