December 20th, 2016


Book Review: Someone Else’s Wedding

Someone Else’s Wedding by Tamar Cohen
From the author of ‘The War of The Wives’, ‘The Broken’, ‘When She Was Bad’ and ‘The Mistress’ Revenge’ comes this tale of Fran. She’s a selfish middle aged cow who has driven away her husband and daughters with her selfishness, furtive lies and need love for someone else. This was done with extreme seriousness, there is a twist and then another to make us feel pity and praise for Fran. This was unassailably terrible. Fran is the worst person ever.

Best Line:
“There was something else lodging with us, something I hadn’t invited in.”
Pretty Smart

Movie Review: 22 Jump Street (2014)

The two stupid cops with bad diction return. The 1st film was passably exciting; this is a wantonly dramatic domain of pain. They’re not very likeable and this is not of any substance. This was not jaunty and has no gritty aspects. There is unreasoning stupidity and scant pleasures. Sense is casually ridiculed. This was entirely unnecessary. An octopus attacks someone which gets the biggest and only laugh of the film.

Morally wanting people do stuff, doves fly by and the petulant man brats played by Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum yell. This was not cohesive or credible. The duo go to college to find another drug dealer. Grim faced people walk around and there is a dreadful catalogue of dumb. This was dispiriting.

There is no narrative potential. There is grumbling and complaining. This had no infinite level of significance. This generates little esteem. The plot is glaringly obvious. The king of debauchery (Tatum) is thick and there are no significant creative forces. This was all unlikeliness. There is intoxicant inspired stupidity. This was not a joyous adventure just mediocrity. This was as annoying as Noddy Holder. An obvious terrible woman does appalling things. Nobody has propriety or pathos. Booker makes a cameo and Peter Stomare and Ice Cube co-star in this dismal mess.

Best Lines:
“Stepped on sh#t.”

“They still have books?”

“Plainview Red Herrings.”

“Mexican Wolverine.”

“Worn out roles.”

“Trash compactor of sadness.”

“Way more expensive for no reason.”

“Korean Jesus.”

“Tell us about the war. Any of them.”

“Great sex, you’re good at it.”

“When people did normal drugs.”

“Old people drugs.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Striking Out’ promo

‘The Mexican’ (2001) promo

‘Gattaca’ (1997) promo

Classic eggnog - okay.
Stuffed pepper - okay.
Chocolate peppermint fudge - okay.
Reese’s crispy crunchy bar - okay.
T.G.I. Friday’s Cheddar Cheese Jalapeno Poppers snack sticks - yum
Caviar crisps - ugh.
Butter praline - okay.
Hazelnut caramel - okay.

Recall copper lipgloss?

I won’t review the last ep of ‘Humans’ series 2.

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Didn’t want be challenged in the cinema anymore.”

“Had to stay home and do knitting.”

“Italicised opinions moving toward you.”

“Unfriendly undergrowth.”

“Papist abominations.”

“Shrill over-reactions.”


“Corpse roads.”

“Fields patterns left behind by medieval ploughmen.”

“Long-gone curiosities.”

“Miners dug 40ft shafts using nothing but deer-antler picks.”

“Accidentally reversed an Abrams main battle tank into an ornamental lake in the middle of Baghdad.”

“Manless household.”

“Who we are and what we should be.”

“Territory is life and death.”

“Accept their significance.”

“Awestruck by their own power.”

“Staggering around ranting reams of barely intelligible babble.”

“Incredibly unpopular opinion.”

“Any normal person would be crushed with shame.”

“From a very urbane, witty sophisticate into what appeared to be an 18th-centrury fishwife shouting from a ditch.”

“Vomiting on a policeman’s feet.”

“Felt immediately judged.”

“I’ll end up waking up on some waste ground tomorrow.”

“Smashed glass, which people might tread on or use in fights.”

“Crashing over cobbles in 5in stilettos.”

“Pavements wet with vomit and urine.”

“Crashed out in a doorway.”

“Ejected from a club after she threw up.”

“People who’ve collapsed and get dragged out by their feet.”

“Treat my house as though it’s theirs.”

“Watching episodes of Westworld, wondering why no one has sexually touched you for at least seven years.”

“Regaining control of the family home.”

“Padlocking history.”

“Far beyond what could be described as reasonable living conditions.”

‘Bridget & Eamon’ Quotes:
“No-one’s to go to the toilet in it. There are three perfectly good hedges out there.”

“Fry outside.”

“Tell her I’m dead.”

'The Simpsons' Quotes:
“Beer good.”
“You good.”

“Ding dong ditched.”

“Let’s lock the door and hug.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Looking for diamonds and rubies.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Homeless wannabe rapper.”

“Eating out of garbage cans.”

“I’m smoking tree.”

“Some herb.”

“Wake and bake.”

“Pull em off the street.”

“I don’t feel sorry about it.”

“Nice threads.”

“Positive self talk.”

“When I had money.”

“Talk and create.”

“I don’t see the importance of a birth certificate.”

‘Idiotsitter’ Quote:
“A push in the bush.”

‘Madagascar’ Quote:
“Who wipes?”

‘The Haunting Of Hill House’ Quote:
“Whatever walked there walked alone.”
Scary Books

The Man In The High Castle (2015 - ?) 1x01 + The Americans 4x10 + Jessica Jones 1x10-1x13 Reviewed

The New World
This glowingly stylised series is loosely based on the Philip K. Dick novel. Alexa Davalos, Rupert Evans, DJ Qualls, Joel de La Fuente, Cary-Hiroyuki and Rufus Sewell star in this okay drama. The opening credits are great and show how the Axis powers won WW2 and divided American between them. It is 1962.

The Germans dropped a H-Bomb on Washington DC and Brownshirts patrol the streets. There is a mention of fighting on Virginia Beach. An American named John Smith (Sewell) apparently signed up with the conquerors as he is a general in the SS. Juliana Crain (Davalos) studies aikido and has a boyfriend Frank (Evans) who is a quarter Jewish and lives in fear. There are no dollars or guns anymore. VA Day was in 1952 apparently.

The big deal is that Hitler is still alive, for now. Frank‘s friend Ed (Qualls) says Hitler has Parkinsons and wonders what’ll happen when it kills him. Juliana is given film reel by her half sister which shows a world where the Allies won the war. Where did it come from? The Japanese and Germans don’t get on and war seems inevitable when Hitler croaks. This is glossy and there are so many swastikas everywhere.

Joe, a resistance member drives across America as ash from euthanized people wafts through the air. There are loads and loads of characters and plotting. Smith is a ruthless jerk. There is a mention of Rommel, he’s alive and retired. Frank makes American gun replicas for Japanese tourists. The world is built: there is a neutral zone, the Greater Nazi Reich is in the east and the Japanese Pacific States is in the west. The characters and dialogue aren’t enthralling or compelling. Frank is arrested and there is a twist regarding Joe’s true loyalties.

Best Lines:
“I want my country back!”

“Half my friends are dead.”

“Johnny Jackboot.”

“I don’t really know what freedom is.”

“It does not attack, it defends.”

“Is your game something you trained for in Hitler Youth?”

“They won the war. They think modern art is degenerate.”

“The evil ways of the yellow man.”

“He can play with his balls cos no-one else will.”

“The furniture doesn’t have chi.”

“Allowed these people to rule half the continent.”

“Peaceful co-habitation.”

“This will end badly for you.”

“We lost the war didn’t we?”

“Up in smoke they go.”

“The subject cannot wake up.”
“Has he answered your questions?”
“No Obergruppenfuhrer.”
“Then your orders are to keep flogging him.”

“Wrong answer.”

“They burn cripples and the terminally ill.”

“How can jewellery be degenerate?”

“Neither seeks peace.”

Is anyone else tired of Philip and Elizabeth and Paige’s maudlin self pity? This was not emotionally overwhelming. Philip is from Siberia. There is settled determination to have no due regard. Pastor Tim’s dumb bint wife Alice makes threats. There is no creeping sense of menace or rising cold panic. This was catastrophic. I’m tired of Paige’s high moral condemnation. This was done with the utmost seriousness. This was woefully inadequate and Gaad won’t listen. Someone dies and this was no form of genius. Paige is constitutionally disappointed. There are no healthy goals or just conflict.

Best Lines:
“That’s the way it had to be.”

“Oh, you think I forgot.”

“It made an owl sound.”

AKA 1,1000 Cuts
Jeri helps Kilgrave. Jessica’s harsh moral compass caused this. Jeri and Kilgrave have joint intentions or so Jeri thinks. She did all this to make Wendy sign the divorce papers. Nobody has extreme caution and fear. Kilgrave controls people via a virus. This does not effectively create a culture of fear. Jessica is still vehemently opposed to sense.

Wendy is understandably furious at Jeri. Kilgrave is irrational. There are drastic attempts to stop him. Kilgrave tells Wendy to kill Jeri. This leads to death and misery. Simpson goes bad. Jessica is as mythically evil as Kilgrave; they’re both profoundly disturbed and manipulative.

Kilgrave is a pathological attention seeker. Jessica is resolutely awful. This was all mediocrity and under achievement. Jessica defies all logic. Pam thinks Jeri is repulsive. Robyn talks too much and is whiny and petulant. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“You wanted this.”

“You’re his weapon.”

“The world will not miss her.”

“Your psychotic son.”

“Bleeding human being here.”

“You want what I have.”
“A stupid name and a deathwish?”

AKA I’ve Got The Blues
This was all for nothing. My sympathy-ometer isn’t triggered. This isn’t Jessica’s drama to own. Jessica is obstructive. More useless flashbacks take place. Simpson goes crazy. Where did Simpson end up? All this is on Jessica and Trish is terrible. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“Stop messing with your wig!”

“Who gets dead.”

“I got hit with a People’s Choice Award.”

AKA Take A Bloody Number
Luke Cage annoys. Malcolm has had enough. Trish’s mommy dearest shows up. It all ties together apparently. Malcolm won’t leave. There is a long boring fight scene. Where is Simpson? This was the opposite of dramatic and dynamic.

Best Lines:
“Your bar just blew up.”

“Do I need to know what happened here?”

“Face that fence and stay there forever.”

“He was a good guy.”
“No he wasn’t.”

“Where are you going?”
“Away from you.”

AKA Smile
Jessica wrings every last drop of joy out of everything. This was not uncommon or intriguing. If Jessica had gotten trauma treatment would any of this have happened? Jessica is a foolish blundersome oaf with total intellectual incompetence. How has Jessica not been evicted? Kilgrave orates. This was so slow moving and Claire is a nurse co-opted by Jessica. Where is Simpson? Nobody seems to care. What is IGH? Is that the plot of season 2? Jessica can’t even force pleasantry. Fish eyes Jessica is thankless and rude. This was not even a notionally celebratory ending. Malcolm still hasn’t left. This does very little that is surprising or new. This was not well crafted. Kilgrave is not truly sinister. Jessica’s unwavering purpose bores. There is no grim unflinching determination as Jessica does what she should have done ages ago. I’m done with this, I was very disappointed.

Best Lines:
“Upset with me for dying.”

“Why not just snuffcarcass?”