December 15th, 2016

Sergio Balleseros

Movie Reviews: Eve Of Destruction + 9 others

Eve Of Destruction (1991)
A scientist creates a killer robot in her own image. Because. Synth music plays. The robot, Eve, goes amok and Gregory Hines must stop her! There is gross sexism and Renee Southendijk as the scientist/Eve is not sexy or lethal as she rampages as Eve and stares as her creator. Eve likes a tacky orange/red leather jacket which may have been the height of cool in 1991 but not now.

There is constant swearing and the scientist is twee. There is 80s hair and a bad child actor. This was deeply unnecessary. The scientist programmed the thoughts and feelings she represses into Eve who acts out and kills people. There is flat effect acting. Eve messes up a dive bar and there is no collective responsibility. Kurt Fuller shows up as a jerk. Somehow Eve doesn’t have an off switch. People look bored and there are dated graphics. There is effemiphobia. In the 1990s when video stores were a thing, this might have been your best option. But not now.

There is bad VFX, bad make up and a dumb ending. Eve has a nuke inside her but nobody tells Hines that until it is too late. TPTB don’t believe in clarification or good product design. If Eve is a battlefield weapon how come she doesn’t have better protection against being shot and or damaged in a car accident? There is nothing tangible here. Hines waves a gun and has the call sign Seeker. Nobody has principles and I’m vocal in my criticism of this daft misogynistic mess.

Best Lines:
“Classy.”
“No.”

“Quick in and out huh?”

“Kiss the f##king floor!”

“What you do? Pack for me?”

“This is a vagina.”

“Those are tits.”

“A potent battlefield weapon.”

“Got herself shot.”

“Oh and armed you bet.”

“How dangerous is she?”

“Locked in battlefield mode.”

“Terminal harm.”

“Put it back in its box.”

“Your speciality is killing.”

“Medically pass as human.”

“She’ll bleed but she won’t die.”

“They’re not coming out, at least not alive.”

~
Never Been Kissed (1999)
No.

Hot Shots! (1991)
Okay.

Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
No.

Bad Santa (2004)
Hee.

Mary Poppins (1964)
Okay.

The Matrix (1999)
Okay.

Chinatown (1974)
No.

Godzilla (1998)
Crap.

Home Alone 3 (1997)
Giggle.
PromNight2

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Timeline’ 1x02 promo
Mmmmm.

‘Six Wives With Lucy Worsley’ opening credits
Okay.

‘Unforgettable’ trailer
Oh no.

Best Line:
“Are you threatening me?”
“Yes.”

‘Wedding Crashers’ (2005) promo
No.

‘In The Line Of Fire’ (1993) promo
Okay.

‘Jerry Maguire’ (19960 promo
No.

‘Team America: World Police’ (2004) promo
Ha!

‘Spy Kids’ (2001) promo
Nope.

‘Jack Frost’ (1998) promo
No.

‘Nine Months’ (1995) promo
No.

‘Loser’ (2000) promo
Hell no.

Chargrilled chicken, patatas, bravas & garlic aioli - okay.
Gluten free mince pie - crumbly but okay.
Chocolate con leche - no.
Cherry vanilla Pepsi - tastes like u-bend cleaner.

What was the 1991 ‘The Guyver’?

Upcoming ‘Star Trek’ novels have hideous covers.

Anyone seen ‘Wedlock’ or ‘Split Second’?

I thought about giving ‘Killjoys’ season 1 a go but no.

RIP Alan Thicke.

‘Teen Mom OG’ Quotes:
“Afraid of his own freedom.”

“Not coming home a lot.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Upsetting and challenging for families.”

“Liver disease of unknown origin.”

“Simply does not pay to be stoical.”

“Matched no known conditions.”

“Win the mercy of the conquerors.”

“Had a tendency to make false or exaggerated claims.”

“A conspiracy or campaign against him.”

“Anguished laughing or crying.”

“I just don’t want to.”

“That wrecks Christmas.”

“Dictating arrangements.”

“They get the hard deal.”

“What’s in this house is for this house.”

“Went completely against her.”

“Squad car pulling up at the house on Christmas morning because of a dispute over access, which is not unheard of,”

“Withdrawn from communication with her.”

“Selective in when he wants responsibility.”

“Less and less the norm.”

“That’s just nonsense.”

“People who are important to them have not done so.”

“Women are portrayed as being so ignorant.”

“One object and one alone.”

“Failed to stand by.”

“Energy citizen.”

“Imperative to decarbonise.”

“There was no shame in it.”

“It certainly could have been handled a lot better.”

“Is there no morality left?”

“No unacceptable face.”

Star Wars: A New Hope’ Quote:
“Your foul stench.”

‘RTE News’ Quote:
“Thank you tour.”

‘Due South’ Quotes:
“He’s a lying rat bastard.”

“No one can do 50 and live.”

“When said Santa was cuffed and thrown into a paddy wagon.”

‘Devious Maids’ Quotes:
“I despise you.”
“And I you.”

‘Baby Faced Mums’ Quote:
“Some duckies.”

‘Time’ Quote:
“Their distain gave him strength.”

'Channel 4 News' Quote:
“No branded clothing, because you might have stolen it.”

‘Bad Education: Christmas Special’ Quotes:
“Sat underneath a bridge she guards eating goats.”

“Slightly stabby façade.”

“I tried that one, it ain’t real.”

“Genuinely nice.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Time to go on a 3 day bender.”

“Met in rehab. Not good.”

“Is there a threshold?”

“Created a toxic home.”

“I love him dearly.”

“Enjoyed chaos.”

“Making my life harder.”

‘Six Wives With Lucy Worsely’ Quotes:
“Loyal first wife.”

“No intention of giving up her crown.”

“Futile repetitious debate.”

“Past her best.”

“A bitter Queen.”

“Pushing out his loyal first wife.”

“Defied the Pope to marry her.”

“A dangerous place to be for an ambitious woman.”

“Taken him 3 wives to get to this point.”

“Acting exactly like the wife Henry wanted.”

“Nice tight grip on the shaft.”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Peri is the c word. Marnie screeches at Ellie. Cindy blusters. Alfie is contentious. Mac annoys. Someone dresses up as a porno Santa and Eva is a massive moral failure. OB calls Eva’s bluff. There is no peace or goodwill. Eva is defamatory. Watching this is a horrendous experience. There is no in-depth analysis. Eva threatens to charge Tom with murder. Holly has hooker hair extensions. Eva has aggression. Ellie whines and is inconsolable. Nobody has the necessary reactions. Alfie screams - will he go away.

Nick and Holly have sex in a toilet stall. Nick has no selfless generosity or redemptive power. Nick seems to impose choices. Marnie wears excessive eye make-up. Dirk rages. Holly publicly berates Ellie as a tramp. Dirk finally clues Alfie in on the Freddie/Marnie hookup. Tom’s dumb. Mac gloats, Neeta sucks, James broods, Marnie lies and Alfie is an irritant. Eva’s mad. Jack’s entire plotline bores and makes no damn sense. Ellie is a drunk jerk. Alfie goes gangster. Ellie assaults Nick. The actress who played Jacqui is reduced to appearing as Anne Boleyn on ‘Six Wives’.

Best Lines:
“A bit gross in here.”

“In a pub toilet. Classy.”

“I’ve had enough of her!”

“The biggest tramp in Hollyoaks!”

“That is not my mum!”
Scary Books

Book Review: The Black Room Manuscripts Volume One, part 2

He Said, It Said
A hilarious Lovecraft parody. A would be cultist and a thing from beyond have mutual distain and self convincing confabulations. This was very good.

Plagiarism
A whining git engages in irresponsibility and reckless behaviour that invokes moral revulsion as a boost to his own ego. Okay.

Lanmo
An overlong unsubtle tale that is not dark or different. Pitiful.

Best Line:
“Mock disinterest.”

When The Pin Hit’s the Shell
An old west tale as a man who is an object of deep revulsion does stuff. One is indifferent.

Hand Job Italiano
Rubbish.

Long Haul
An incoherent tale that is a wearisome narrative that goes into steady decline.

Best Line:
“Final big braking burn.”
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    (The Goonies ‘R) Good Enough - Cyndi Lauper
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Illya K

7 TV Reviews

The Flash 3x08

Invasion!
The superhero crossover action isn’t so super. Oliver annoys. The logo is nice. Iris will not stop talking. Her tone is always derogatory. Cisco snots and his protracted dispute with Barry drags on. HR bores. Aliens show up. There is conjecture. The Dominators aka the aliens aren’t exactly a big bad. Iris is awful, Oliver growls and Felicity is in full vigour. There is therapeutic lying and the crossover is not a very real or exciting opportunity. Diggle has moral fervour. Thea annoys and how did Felicity contact the Legends?

Supergirl is from Earth38. Nobody comments on HR. Does Superman not exist on Earth1? Felicity bugs. This was not a festive treat. I want rid of Iris, she is trenchantly annoying. Everybody knows Oliver’s secret identity and to think he never intended to tell Tommy. Jerk. Oliver broods and provokes. Ray lurks. Barry learns Snart is dead, nobody cares. Iris needs to go. Wally has perseverance. I have no tolerance for Iris or Felicity.

Future Barry predicted a war due to his actions. Stein neglects his wife some more. Could they tone down Sara’s come ons? Who is this POTUS? This was as substantial as a Bass ad. Cisco has lost confidence in Barry, who does nothing to rectify things. This was not aspirational. Wally wonders, Joe has a fetish for order and this fails to inject any passion. Stein meets his daughter. Cisco is sick of Barry’s lies and messing up.

Diggle doesn’t seem to care baby Sara has been ret-goned. Will Oliver be quiet? Why does Barry need to be placated? This was only okayish. Fake Wells’ secret room shows up. The article from the future has changed. Oliver lets Barry away with his crap. Barry only cares that he won’t get into Iris’ lady garden. There is a fight. Is Slade still alive or what? I detest Iris and felt mostly indifferent to this affray.

Best Lines:
“So darn gloomy.”

“Things just go so much worse.”

“Going all ‘Kill Bill’.”

“Egotistical but catchy.”

“I’ve never done drugs.”

“Friend is a loose term.”

“I’m convinced.”

“He’s like that with everyone.”

“Don’t trust anyone or anything.”

“John had a daughter?”

“That’s a lot of casualties to be remembered for.”

“Acquire that trait. Soon.”

“No one shows us any respect.”

~
Reign 3x17

Intruders
Mary continues to dodge responsibility for her country. It’s impossible to escape the conclusion that this show has jumped the shark. I show no interest in this. A Guise shows up. There is bad acting and exposition dumps. James the regent who is Mary’s bastard half-brother shows up as does an unimpressive John Knox. John Barrowman plays an angry clan chieftain with a comedy Scots accent.

There are modern day hairstyles and a Lord Darnley mention. Season 3 has deteriorated rapidly. Lola has extreme agitation. The word tolerance is used. Lola risibly proclaims things. Catherine can’t fathom failure. The prevailing more is stupidity. False assumptions are held and people yell to no real avail. There is more bad acting and nobody exudes power or passion.

Lola prays, Narcisse dresses like a priest and the unification of Scotland and England is planned though it wouldn’t happen for another generation. Lola rejects emotion or sympathy. There are many discontents. Charles broods. There is a reference to Elisabeth Valois. There is irrational behaviour and dysfunctional, destructive and harmful acts. This had no enormity or gravity. Lola is stupid and there is no empathy or hope. This was awful awful. This has been axed. Season 4 will be the last and will have Darnley and Bothwell but no Bash.

Best Lines:
“You have other sons to install.”

“Risk your life avenging his.”

“Whoring this country to Rome.”

“You drink like women.”

“Legitimate blood claim.”

“You’ve prayed for the end of her rule.”

“They might not look at you so warmly.”

“She will smell espionage.”

“Bastard tongue of my oppressors.”

~
Jessica Jones 1x06&1x07

AKA You’re A Winner!
Kilgrave bores, Jessica is a ghastly person with no finely honed understanding of sense. She holds back affection and can’t find joy. Luke Cage is faux-serious. This has no moments of greater resonance. Hope’s pregnant. Maybe I should be watching ‘Outcast’ instead. Luke Cage is Jessica’s emotional tampon. There is product placement and this did not motivate me to care. Jeri fawns over Pam. What did Luke Cage’s wife hide? Luke Cage yells. Truth emerges and the support group is group discussion by suggestive personalities.

Best Lines:
“I bribed a guard. He was not cheap.”

“I’m pregnant. Still.”

“It’ll be worth the risk.”

“Usually stays missing.”

AKA Top Shelf Perverts
Jessica harasses Wendy. Jessica can’t mitigate her crap. She’s an alcoholic and Kilgrave looms. Someone’s dead. Trish is dim. Robyn whines. Wendy retaliates. Dorothy (Rebecca De Mornay and her bad cosmetic surgery) is Trish’s vile mother. Simpson lies. This was as charming as a cat fart. Kilgrave wears purple and tantrums.

Best Line:
“We use proper etiquette.”

~
Arrow 5x08

Invasion!
This made no sense and had Katie Cassidy and exposition dumps. There were no moral standards or moral journey. That old ‘Star Trek Deep Space Nine’ 2-parter ‘The Search 1&2’ is ripped off. Stately Queen Manor is seen as Oliver, Sara, Ray and Diggle hallucinate. Jamey Sheridan and John Barrowman guest star. Oliver hallucinates he is to marry Laurel and her many many fillers. The Queen parents are alive. Why did Laurel want Oliver the drunken cheating loutish manchild so damn much? Moira has had excessive plastic surgery.

Sara and Laurel bond. Being stuck with Laurel is supposed to be a fantastic incentive for Oliver? Mr Queen is to be mayor. There are visions of Roy and Tommy and a Smoak Technologies building. Oliver has a tacky bathroom. Felicity won’t be quiet and neither will Cisco. There were no measurable performances in this or any serious implications about the arrival of aliens.

Nothing in this ep compelled me to care. Why is Wells never in any crossover eps ever? Oliver’s arse is licked. Oliver hallucinates a jerkass Felicity and Diggle who yell. This was woefully wrong. Laurel does not deserve Oliver’s sacred veneration. Malcolm shows up as a hallucination. Apparently hallucination Tommy is a doctor in Chicago now. An extremely unsubtle ‘Chicago Med’ reference.

Best Lines:
“I know who you are in your bones.”

“There are no good ones.”

“I said I was sorry.”
“In a text.”

“I’ve had enough of this.”

“Over by the ice sculpture.”

“Hack alien tech.”

“Some things you just can’t fix.”

“Rely on yours.”

“Real original.”

“Chicago isn’t exactly next door.”
“I can’t believe he’s a doctor now.”

~
Gotham 2x13

A Dead Man Feels No Cold
Bruce monotones. Cat-teen has no plot. Barnes is grim faced and angry. There is no sign of Ivy or Tabitha. Theo is in a vat in Indian Hills. There are strident words and Nora is sent to Arkham. Victor (Nathan Darrow) exhibits threatening behaviour. Lee bothers people. Strange (BD Wong) is creepy. Penguin gets lurid ‘treatment’. Gordon is a pale character. He is dour and stiff. There are ill-judged remarks, Barbara is comatose, Alfred is remarkably serene and Bruce is not extremely grateful. Alfred accepts Bruce’s crap uncritically. Bullock has less depth then his cartoon version. This was good. Nobody has discretion or wisdom. Strange is a schemer. Victor becomes Mr Freeze in a silly make-over.

Best Lines:
“It’s the answer I’m giving you.”

“A dangerous and possibly endless obsession.”

“Know this woman; nobody yet has failed to regret vexing the Penguin! And you are vexing me!”

“Delightful chap.”

“Indian Hill’s a toxic waste-dump.”
“A useful fiction.”

~
Timeless (2016 - 2018) 1x01

Pilot
An underwired bra can save history! Lucy is a history teacher with a sister and a sick mommy. A stupid 30s reporter shrieks. There is slack jawed staring. Goran Visnjic plays a man who steals a time machine for no clear reason. He stops the Hindenburg crash so he can change history. Lucy pretends to be an anarchist. Matt Frewer guest stars and then isn’t seen again. Lucy is saddled with a coder who whines constantly and a soldier who is a jerk dudebro who doesn’t act kindly or graciously.

The time machine was invented by an Elon Musk like man named Mason who has secrets. The coder whines. Why is the baddie doing this? How did he ever know about the time machine? Luckily Mason has a back up time machine so Lucy and co can track down the baddie and crash the Hindenburg.

Do they have 1937 money? A sign on a shop says:  fresh killed chicken. This was okay if not meaningful. It suits Lucy and co to believe that they were living in the right timeline. The solider annoys. The extravagant hope for this show was not quite fulfilled. People look more and more grim. I’ve no reason or inclination to care. The solider is stupid, the baddie knows Lucy and he has a notebook she will write. The baddie knows things and what is Lucy’s real destiny and why did Mason hire her? The baddie has to be Lucy’s son or something. There is gunfire and the timeline changes. I’ll give this a chance.

Best Lines:
“I’m Nurse Jackie.”

“Glowing clock.”

“Who and what you’re dealing with.”

“Make your own future.”

“He did it. We don’t care.”

“Don’t be noticed.”

“There are no do-overs.”

“Under penalty of treason.”