October 12th, 2016

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Hell On Earth + Bloodline + Boeing Boeing

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)
Terry Farrell v Pinhead (Doug Bradley). Pinhead gets all the best lines. Okay.

Best Lines:
“Jesus Christ.”
“Not quite.”

“I will enjoy making you enjoy it.”

“You’ll burn in hell for this.”
“Burn? Oh such a limited imagination.”

“Just come here and die while you still have the option of doing it quickly.”

“You wouldn’t believe what I can dream of now.”

~
Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
From the past to the far future, the family that created the Lament Configuration box fights Pinhead. Hokey.

Best Line:
“Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?”

~
Boeing Boeing (1965)
Jerry Lewis and Tony Curtis star in this farce about a yank in Paris who lives a superlfashy life. He lives in an apartment with his live-in long suffering maid and has three fiancées. They are all flight attendants who work for Lufthansa, Air France and British Airways respectively. He uses their schedules to ensure they never meet and to schedule his fornication. Then the much much faster Boeing plane is issued to each airline and the schedules speed up and coincide and there is much running around and door slamming. Then his old pal shows up and he wants some of that action. This was an okay farce.
  • Current Music
    These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra
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Pretty Smart

Lady Killer #2 Reviewed

Josie deals with issues and the proximity of threatening men. Neither pain nor pleasure seems to touch her in her emotional limbo. She’s developed some hyper notoriety. So she does smutty smiles and delicate elegance during the lurid grotesque psychodrama. There is no human depth in this, just ice cruelty and remarkably unreflective people. This was insincere.
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    Hurt - Johnny Cash
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Hawkeye

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Designated Survivor’ 1x04 promo
A mutiny and a power grab.

Best Lines:
“By my command.”

“The right thing is seldom free.”

‘Gamer’ promo
No.

‘Westworld’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘The Flag’ TV spot
No.

‘Money Train’ (1995) promo
No.

‘Masterminds’ promo
Ha?

‘The Americans’ season 4 promo
Mumbling and staring.

‘The War Of The Roses’ (1989) promo
No.

‘Alien Autopsy’ (2006) promo
No.

‘The Blacklist’ promo
Tom is awesome. Liz? Not so much.

Best Line:
“An army is coming for you.”

‘Conviction’ promo
An annoying woman gets a new job. Maybe.

‘Supergirl’ season 2 promo
Mmmm.

‘Humans’ series 2 promo
No.

Gluten free wholegrain crackers - yum.
Peanut bar - yum.
Smooth peanut & almond popcorn - okay.

I will review ‘Stoker’, ‘The Americans’ season 4, ’Conviction’, ’Dracula’s Brood’, ’My Best Friend’s Exorcism’ and ‘Tutankhamen’.

I won’t review ‘Horrorology’ or ‘Reliquary’.

Anyone ever see ‘Heaven’s Prisoners’? Or the 1989 ‘Moonwalker’?

La femme du rappeur - the rapper’s wife.

Nail contouring is a thing?

What are boiled turkey and cheese puffs? Who eats turtle sauce, hen’s testicles and smoked lard?

Anyone ever have a Findus Crispy Pancake?

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Clearly a happy layabout.”

“His first wife fled on her wedding night.”

“The school sent more boys to borstal in my time that it ever did to university.”

“Had to have a fight in the playground with the class bully.”

“It’s hard to have the time to miss anything.”

“Some have never met a foreigner before and are shocked to discover that languages other than Russian exist.”

“People are offended by everything these days.”

“Screeching and honking at 3am.”

“Why do we let half-educated tenement Scots run our English press.”

“Nobody sets out to be dislikeable.”

“Loading cement trucks with a young Andy Garcia.”

“Made to feel defensive of our reasons for doing things.”

“Choices are attacked all the times.”

“It resembles Hitchcock only in the sense that it contains blonde hair and windows.”

“But not in a way that is intriguing.”

“Crushed by the pain of her break-up.”

“Boring sad film.”

“How many damaged men there are with dead eyes and threatening grins.”

“Seeds of her ambition, along with the genesis of her unpopularity.”

“Permanently on the edge of an explosion which might well be expressed in physical violence.”

“Rode to hounds.”

“Well-honed anecdotes.”

“Not good.”

“Knew more than was probably healthy about 16th-century Italian sex manuals.”

“Reduced to waiting outside a Whitehall pub for his chum from The Times to emerge from Tony Blair’s Cool Britannia party and tell him what it was like.”

“Not the kind of everyman who generates much empathy.”

“I’ve always felt unknown.”

“Chased down the road by a sales assistant who had seen him stuff the latest Enid Blyton novel up his jumper.”

“Negative briefings.”

“Go and live on a moor.”

“A café that sells drinks that are green and have lumps in them.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I don’t care to see her or talk to her.”

“I have real concerns.”

“Made themselves out to be victims.”

“Have beyond what they need or deserve.”

“How he lost all of his children.”

“Don’t consider the results to be valid.”

“As a threat to you.”

“Threatened to blow up her mother’s house.”

“Controlling angry person.”

“A bunch of people against me.”

“Not availed yourself.”

“To say what you’re now saying.”

“Multiple forensic interviewers.”

“Brainwashed and bribed to say those things.”

‘Celebrity Island’ Quotes:
“My morning carafe of piss.”

“That is just bollocks. Total bollocks.”

“I never felt wanted.”

“Limpet broth.”

“Just assumes food turns up.”

“Scaly arseholes! We don’t need fish anyway! It’s for hippies!”

‘Animal Babies’ Quote:
“Toilet etiquette.”

‘Lords & Ladles’ Quotes:
“Failed gambler.”

“Could smell what was in the wind.”

“Stuff a sparrow.”

“Stuffing a puffin.”

‘Relic’ Quotes:
“Of a nonnormal nature.”

“Your bones will be left to the howler monkeys.”

“Will the gentleman from the Post please stop shouting.”

“The way Pendergast said interested sent a strange sensation down D’Agosta’s back.”

“Today’s unpleasantness.”

“He wondered if this was the same security that didn’t have an accurate blueprint of the subbasement.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Non-ruminant.”

“More worthy of recognition.”

“Incapable of objectivity.”

“Corporate damage limitation.”

‘The Red Bulletin’ Quotes:
“Punch recoil.”

“Collision units.”

“Picture fighting.”

“My house and you don’t belong.”
Sergio Balleseros

The Last Ship 3x13 + Shades Of Blue 1x13 + National Treasure 1x04 + Reign 3x08 Reviewed

Don’t Look Back
Chandler isn’t sage like anymore and plans to attack the government. The mooing Shaw (Elisabeth Rohm) is orange and evil. Kara has her baby hidden somewhere. There is moral fecklessness and Tex has a kid? Chandler has an alarmist narrative. Where is the dog? There are no disarming levels of excitement. Shaw does maliciously motivated levels of misconduct. This was spurious, it was not extraordinarily bleak. There is no propulsive storytelling and was joyless and patently ludicrous. There is no inventive storytelling and one can’t suspend incredibility sufficiently. Chandler has messed up terribly.

This was not superb, inventive or revelatory. Chandler comes over all moral. Shaw is spitefully manipulative and all bristling defiance. This show is increasingly off putting. Shaw looks like a mindless blow up doll. Everyone has a remarkable lack of self doubt. There is so much vanity and arrogance. People are callow and shallow and create so much drama. None of this is well drawn and none of it is interesting. I am done. This was a dreary little offering full of intensely unlikeable people. I’m done with this show and its sheer flimsiness and technobabble.

Shaw falls short of the standards expected. There is no dramatic narrative. Shaw is priggish, hectoring, stiff, stilted, chilly, distant and intensely disliked. She’s also shrill, demeaning and loud. Chandler has deep chilling conviction that he is right. The former POTUS is dead. Shouting has become the normal mode of communication. This was vacuous not thoughtful or intelligent. Shaw imposes her authority and ruins her name and does not think about what she is saying.

Chandler’s gang mow down Secret Service agents and they are supposed to be the good guys? The XO yells. Chandler’s kids are in peril and his father is dead. Chandler is a commodore no more. Shaw killed the former POTUS and she does a motive rant. How did Tex get on the plane? How did Tex done fall down dead? Shaw ‘provokes’ Chandler into shooting her dead. This was all bitterness, sneering disbelief and ritualised narcissism. Who is the blank faced woman Chandler makes goo-goo eyes at? How does this keep getting renewed? I’m done.

Best Lines:
“Kill track.”

“Will know we died so he didn’t have to grow up in a world like this.”

“Nukes are too messy.”

“Just me and 115 people in a Cost-Co.”

“Bypass the purifier.”

“Work faster!”

“Aim at the smoke.”

“Another Golden Calf to worship.”

“The man who ran the safe zone, he locked my sister and my nephew and my mother out. Not because they were sick but because he wanted more food for himself.”

~
One Last Lie
Harlee has the stolen money but not for long. Stahl is coming undone. Wozniak has a chat with him. Christina is an idiot. Wozniak comes to certain realisations about Donnie. Loman kills Donnie after a brawl. Alas poor Donnie, even if he was fairly psychopathic. Wozniak is awful. Won’t IA wonder about Donnie vanishing? Who was Harlee making that recording for? Miguel unleashes his very threatening side.

People behave sketchily. There is no chance of redemption for Donnie. Wozniak did care for him, violence and threats aside. Donnie played him well. People are motivated by sinister means. Christina whines about her life’s circumstances. Christina is abrupt and ungrateful. Wozniak and his erotic predilections is menaced. Who was Donnie’s boss? Wozniak and his normalised physically invasive behaviour broods Harlee and her crew should be in jail. Harlee does not one but two tearful confessions of guilt. Will Wozniak miss Donnie?

Wozniak and his sordid charisma broods. Christina has bad grace. This was a compelling personal saga. Harlee’s boy toy is dismissed. There is uncomfortable logic, moralistic ranting and Miguel’s mother is insufficiently cosy. Stahl steals people’s lives and moulds them to his liking. Stahl failed to ensure the implementation of the case and throws Molly under a bus. Not a literal one. Stahl is still Harlee obsessed. Sleaze is embedded into the very fabric of him. Harlee bends to others expectations. Wozniak has no doubt and no compromise, he radiates power and rage. Who is Christina’s never before mentioned or seen aunt? Harlee wails and Wozniak and his rotted personality plots.

Stahl is shifty. Wozniak is unusually calm. Things go awry with seeming inevitability. Poor Donnie. Miguel gets angrier. He’s debauched looking and a desperate Harlee finds his breaking point. This was good. Roll on season 2.

Best Lines:
“I can’t protect you on this.”
“Good to know.”

“You get to be concerned.”

“So that’s what the root of all evil looks like.”

“None of it was enough.”

“It was self defence.”
“In my kitchen?”

“Do you work on the Batman voice?”

“He was a bad cop who did bad things and something bad happened to him. Amen.”

“I cared for you Donnie. You played me.”

“I don’t want her to know you!”

“You decide where he swings it.”
“Not at me. I know that.”

“He knows what I’m buying.”

“I’m a prosecutor and I don’t believe you.”

“Take everything I give you and you’re going to act like you like it.”

~
National Treasure 1x04
Paul’s malignant bidding is done. Susan Lynch pops up as the grown up babysitter. Pseudo-profound things happen. Marie stays. The trial takes place. Paul isn’t mugging amusingly anymore. This was not emotionally intense. The trial drags on with explicit testimony Marie bangs Karl. There is no empathetic sensitivity. Paul is not the victim of vile slurs. Danielle is not soul baring and is incapable of expressing affection. Marriage to Paul doesn’t seem to have filled Marie with joy. Interest is totally absent. Karl testifies. This was not substantive. There are more flashbacks that show Paul is guilty and the hooker from 1x01 attends the trial for no readily apparent reason. Paul is not affectionate. His defence is impoverished. He’s acquitted despite being guilty. Did he molest Danielle? Where did Marie go? Oh who cares.

Best Lines:
“We paid handsomely for your innocence.”

“Bit ethnic.”

“We could re-enact some tampon adverts together.”

“You coming in or are you just loitering suspiciously?”

“He’ll set traps. Don’t fall into them.”

“Now is not the time for this conversation.”

“You’ve never loved me the way you thought you did.”

~
Our Undoing
Mary and Catherine cover up their BDSM near murder of Don Carlos (Mark Ghanime). This is not idiotically delightful. The court observes no certain formality. There is materialism and no initial joy. Mary is unwelcoming. There is no broadly chronological narrative. Mary is not unusually thoughtful. There is no burning sense of urgency. Claude whines. Catherine is outraged she is being accused of poisoning Francis, Claude points out that Catherine poisoned her. Nothing real or sinister happens. The Duke Of Alba looms. Greer needs to go.

Don Carlos lives and he and Mary are to marry even if he has been brain damaged by his accident. Mary feels sad for Don Carlos who is the overwhelming beneficiary of her pity. Mary wants to be far removed from scandal: ha ha ha ha HA! Bash lurks being cheerful and jaunty. This was not a good ep. Don Carlos twitches and gawps.

There is bad acting. Lola goes to England to be a hostage in Elizabeth’s court. She is the Sansa Stark of this show. And as if Catherine would allow her to take Francis’ bastard to Scotland. Don Carlos is an idiot, literally. This is not an intense development. Mary’s gross untruths annoy. She is miserable and unloved. Narcisse and Mary share glares.

Narcisse orates and kills his scribe. Lola stomps off. Why won’t Mary go back and rule her own country? Catherine has Francis dug up. Claude kept a diary? This is an ep full of missed opportunities. Where is Margot? This was mishandled. Is immortalisation a 16th century term for embalming?

Best Lines:
“Spain is Spain. If they can colonise half the globe, they can certainly find the two women who destroyed their heir.”

“Which comforts me little.”

“Don’t inhale the smoke. I can’t have another dead monarch on my hands.”

“For our sake, let’s hope it’s permanent.”

“A royal embalming takes a week.”

“That sock just moved.”

“Live a life of unending peril.”

“I am very well aware of my own troubles.”

“He’s been rendered an idiot.”

“Spent years keeping the truth of his bedroom hobbies suppressed.”

“Someone engineers your ruin.”

“Unload the king.”

“A miracle! And our downfall!”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Autumn Cthulhu, part 2

Autumn Cthulhu edited by Mike Davis, part 2

Cul-De-Sac-Virus
An old man wonders about his neighbours. This was all dull silent anxiety.

DST (Fall Back)
A man learns his ex-lover has turned into a crazy person who shouts at clouds. Sense is not forthcoming.

The Black Azalea
Something unpleasant grows in an old woman’s garden. This is a contrived situation and this was pretty unpleasant and cringe worthy.

After The Fall
A storm reveals things in the sky. An apprehensive man sill finds time to fight with his cruelly mocking wife. This was okay.

Anchor
This was a way too long tale of a boy, his father, his father’s friend and a monster. This was oppressively honed into predictability.

Best Lines:
“Want nothing of what it represented.”

“I wouldn’t if I could.”

End Of The Season
A man learns the secret of an island. This was okay.

Water Main
A bitter and resentful woman stomps off tired of her useless boyfriend and runs across improbable weirdness. This was winsomely dumb. This was not strangely unsettling or immensely complicated.

The Stiles of Palemarch
A lost and lonely man is the arthitect of misfortune. This was a suitably cold tale of inexorable fate.

Best Line:
“Found displeasure in their company.”

Grave Goods
By Gemma Files. A bickering archaeological dig leads to arguments, recriminations and a horrific discovery. Emotive subjects are touched on with grand style and there are profound consequences to not listening. This was excellent.

Best Lines:
“And the chance to literally uncover something unseen since thousands of years BCE.”

“Yet left forever unaccepted.”

The Well And The Wheel
A girl discovers her father’s dark secrets. Good.

Trick...Or The Other Thing
A borderline incoherent tale of other-worldly revenge.

A Shadow Passing
A tale written with very little discernible effort or realism.

Lavina in Autumn
A very short poem by Ann K. Schwader. Plaintive.