September 22nd, 2016


National Treasure (2016) 1x01 + Reign 3x05 + Containment 1x11 Reviewed

National Treasure (2016) 1x01
Robbie Coltrane, Julia Walters and Tim McInnerny star in this 4 part Channel 4 drama. Paul Finchley (Coltrane) is half of a beloved UK comedy double act. He is jealous of his co-star Karl (McInnerny) and eyeballs a PA. A taxi-driver asks him to do his catch-phrase. Paul is married for over 40 years to his long suffering wife (Walters). Alan Carr has a cameo as himself. Paul is mothered by his wife and feeds off his reputation. WTF are those things on his kitchen wall?

Paul’s two grandchildren are unimpressed with him. Then the police show up to arrest him for a historical sex claim. There is a pungent focus and the doubt ratchets up. There is no natural exuberance. Paul rants about being compared to Jimmy Saville and faces a dark reinterpretation of his life. He’s not cool, detached or stoic. The negatives take hold. There is a lot of blue light and unflattering camera angles. Karl lurks. Are the duo just harmless old sexist relics from the 70s and 80s?

Paul recalls their beloved TV show but now he just looks like a gone to seed Gerard Depardieu. The arrest is all over the papers. Paul is mortified and exploding with distress. His solicitor swears a lot. Is Paul an innocent man caught up in a scary scenario? He doesn’t act like someone of unblemished reputation when he visits a hooker. His annoying drug addled daughter yaps and is terminally annoying.

Paul is not calm or disarming. The daughter may be masking anxiety, but her anarchic sensibility annoys. Paul had a daytime show which he is kicked off. Things get worse for him. This was so very dull.

Best Lines:
“Bad woman.”

“Nobody wants to be the first to stop clapping the old guard.”

“Arrange alternative care.”

“Everybody knew he was dodgy.”

“Save the bluster.”

“Who watches porn on their phone?”

“The times you came home smelling of whichever woman and I’d understand. Well this is not one of those times.”

“All stones are hard Paul. They’re stones.”

“Nobody must ever know what happened here.”

“Not to let you in the next time you came.”

“I’m sorry.”
About which bit?”

In A Clearing
Mary prays, recalling that she is a catholic and that France is currently riven with the wars of religion. Mary doesn’t care her mother is dead as long as she has her penis du jour Francis. Delphine and Bash’s side plot has a constancy of boredom. Mary appoints Moray as her regent in Scotland. Mary’s series length story arc is her stupidity. Elizabeth sends a peace treaty. Mary is obsessed with the English throne. I don’t think Kenna is coming back. Francis is not decent. Mary doesn’t care about Scotland.

Bash gets into a metal bathtub while Delphine babbles in Irish or something. Francis is worryingly stupid. This was not conducive to enjoyment. Bash fawns over Delphine. Where are the King’s guards? Threat actors show up. Francis finally dies for real this time. There is snot and nostril flaring. Mary doesn’t have the 40 days of seclusion and seemingly plans to walk to Paris.

Mary has 2 more husbands to go as she is incapable of solitariness. She was the death of all three of her husbands. Nostradamus lurks and his vision from 1x01 has at last come to pass. Nostradamus and his pelt wander off. Mary hurls accusations and tears and screeching and throws the peace treaty in the fire like the selfish stupid tool she is.

The Queens of France wore white as mourning. Mary treated Bash badly and her ill-judgement goes on. Narcisse and Lola lurk. Mary cast blame wrongly and won’t apologise. A lot of jet jewellery shows up. What did Francis die of? Done falling down? This was inept.

Best Lines:
“Give up my birthright?”

“I am the direct descendant of Henry VII - I have a legitimate claim to the English throne.”

“Think twice before trading it.”

“I don’t care for that word.”

“I am no longer the Queen of France.”

“I have another fate. Predicted long ago.”

“Long ago he chose to love you.”

Nothing Gold Can Stay
Day 16 and Lommers blames everything on Cannerts, she is a stranger to mercy. Tension is in the air. Jake pines pathetically over Katie the decrepit dying old witch who will not just stroke out and die. Lex has no verifiable grounds to be smug. Lommers is deeply sinister. Assumptions are made. In summation, things are bad. Leo Greene refuses to comply.

Lex does not adequately listen. Lommers has a contented smile. Cannerts broods and has a very uneasy feeling. Katie’s kid emotes like a 2nd rate Oscar Wilde. Cannerts has been besmirched. This was boring. Welfare losers Bert and wheelchair woman bore. Jana gets an offer. Lex is tumultuous. Katie is the c word even on her deathbed. Just DIE bitch. I’ve no imperative to care about her and her disdainful looks. Leo Greene vanishes. Katie plays the saintly invalid and finally finally dies. This was ridiculous and Katie was the Riley Finn of this show.

Best Lines:
“Leo Greene is about as popular as you.”

“The rest won’t be pretty.”

“Threw the only doctor with the hope of finding a cure under a triple decker bus!”

“I didn’t think anyone liked you.”

“Ain’t no pride in any of that.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Containment’ 1x12 promo
Things go on being bad.

‘Beauty and the Baker’ promo

‘National Treasure’ 1x02 promo

‘Deepwater Horizon’ TV spot

‘Num Noms’ ad

‘Jersey Girl’ (2004) promo

Nine Months’ (1995) promo

‘Norbit’ (2007) promo

White Men Can’t Jump’ (1992) promo

‘Always’ (1989) promo

The Legend of Bagger Vance’ (2000) promo

‘Batman Begins’ (2005) promo

‘Cloverfield’ (2008) promo

‘Superman Returns’ (2006) promo

‘The Fall’ series 3 promo
What is the appeal of this?

‘King Ralph’ (1991) promo

‘Groundhog Day’ (1993) promo

‘Conviction’ promo

‘Empire’ promo

Pomegranate juice - okay.

I won’t review ‘The Jackal’s Trick’ or ‘The Hall of Heroes’.

I will review ‘Children of Lovecraft’, ‘The House of Lost Souls’, ‘Autumn Cthulhu’, ‘Nightcrawlers’, ‘The Mad Scientist Affair’, ‘Infected’ and ‘12 Monkeys’ season 2.

Oh poor Brad and Angelina.

Recall the 1988-1990 BBC drama ‘Wish Me Luck’?

‘Fiddler On The Roof’ (1971), ‘The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (2003), ‘The Italian Job’ (2003), ‘Notting Hill’ (1999), ‘Rain Man’ (1988) and ‘King Arthur’ (2004) were not good.

I’ve never watched ‘True Detective’ and I don’t care to.

Recall ‘Blue Jeans’ comic?

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Transformed into myths that endure to this day.”

“Cannibal butchery.”

“Non-conceptive meanings.”

“Not going to be taken away.”

“Thrown a gas cylinder on top of a member of the armed unit.”

“Two years trapped in unyielding sea ice.”

“The vast Barren Lands.”

“Progress the situation.”

“An open can of beans thrown at her.”

“Prone to emotional, personalised outbursts.”

“The world’s most offensive insult.”

“Lingering personal animosity.”

‘Dom On The Spot’ Quotes:
“Seagulls can’t open bins. Yet.”

“Waste enforcement officer.”

“Can’t be bothered to wash their dishes and just bought new ones.”

‘Monkey Life’ Quote:
“Flight crates.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Reason through this.”

“Let me explain to you what happened there.”

“Scoop you up and marry you.”

“Started yelling at me.”

“So much drama.”

“There is no house at that address.”

‘Crosstalk’ Quotes:
“Her latest in a long list of odious boyfriends.”

“If you were my mother, I’d lock myself in my room too,”

‘Hi-de-Hi!’ Quotes:
“Married them chorus girls with big thighs.”

“She’s already married to me. Tough egg, hard cheese.”

“You tell jokes on staircases.”

“I move in rather straight circles.”

“I find both you and your values totally repugnant.”

“I shall punch your ugly face in.”

“Give to me! Give it to me!”

“At it like mice in the gunroom.”

“I’d grab that quick.”

“You’re too old to grip the bat.”

“Without that wife of his.”

“Oh bum!”

“No mucky props.”

‘Friends’ Quotes:
“I don’t date women who read.”

“You don’t let me blow!”

“I love Lucite.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Kyle’s back being dully schematic. Steph’s ex pulls a shattering reversal on their custody agreement. Brennan’s overriding reaction is to yell and bluster. He’s all unacceptable nonsense. Elly and her massive teeth annoys. She’s all threat and irritation to Ned. She’s a long scream of fury. There are rumours that Toadfish is to dump Sonia to run off with his old love Dee. Screw him and his authoritative statements, non existent intonation and sweater vests. This was not gripping and had no cunning wit or noble purpose. Paul is not well disposed to Kyle. There are no potent performances. Steph has anxious tears. Lauren foosters. Paige has given her boxing opponent brain damage and uses this as an excuse to screw her doctor. People shrug off such inconvenient logistics. Shelia, Xanthe and Gary harass Amy and question and challenge her life choices. Whatever became of Bouncer?

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Jack has no moral discipline. He drove Kim away. Ste ignores his kids. Where is Hilton? Cindy screams about getting no sex. Why has Harry thrown his life away to fawn over Ste? Who is Nick Savage? There is a Loveday murder mystery party that goes badly. Leah points out how many lovers Ste has had. Lucas spills on Leah. Nathan can’t act. Nick annoys. Who is Billy’s woman? Oh, his mad copper daughter. Why wasn’t Nancy arrested for running John-Paul over? Jack’s bro Billy dies. This was unproductive.

Did I see Nick in the opening credits? Cleo is orange. They’re building new houses? Cindy’s been married 5 times? Recall when Marnie and James stole the restaurant from Tony? Lisa isn’t warm and nice. Marnie is fractious. Jack has a stalker. Where is James? Freddie woos Ellie. Nick and Cindy get jobs in Nightingales.

Best Lines:
“I look and smell like I am sleeping rough.”

“Lives in a shed.”

“Just been pushed off the balcony.”

“My favourite ever gay dad.”

“We could have had that.”

“A vast array of skimpy hot pants.”

“That bitter twisted man.”

Book Reviews: Behind The Throne + Misty + Dhampir

Behind The Throne by K.B. Wagers
An obnoxious gunrunner is dragged home to be heir to the Indranan Empire. Why? Because she is the only surviving heir. Cue ‘Firefly’ ripoffs, unnecessary violence, crappy world building, bad writing and obvious bad guys. The heroine needs to be shown how to behave in the context of decent people. Everything she does has disastrous outcomes and one is slightly disturbed by how selfish and volatile she is. She has personal animus for everyone and whines that her privileges were something that was imposed on her. She causes pain and anguish through her disastrous handling of everything. The plot has no depth and there will be a follow up. But I won’t read that. Who cares about the ‘heroine’? Her motives are infuriately vague and she revels in her selfishness and glib dismissal of sense.

There is no discernable deepening in her self actualisation. This was not eloquent. She doesn’t appreciate anything and takes sheer joy in collective violence. I felt only exasperation and increasingly disgruntlement at her lack of propriety and the contrary directions the plot goes. There is no terrific talent here.

Best Lines:
“There are dark dangerous things at work.”

“Know that we didn’t want you back, but you are all we have left. Go see the fruits of your selfishness.”

“Shredded the traitors against the very door they’d been trying to breach.”

“Forever forgotten for your treachery.”

“Sink to such defiled depths as you have.”

Misty - Pat Mills. Malcolm Shaw. John Armstrong. Brian Delaney. Shirley Bellwood
This slim volume reprints 2 (why only 2?) classics from the girls horror comic. Will there be more? Apparently all the original art from girls’ comics was either burnt or used to soak up rain.

A ‘Carrie’ knockoff. A girl named Rosemary is ill-treated by her mother. Social workers and a Judge do not care about physical abuse or deprivation and shrug them off. There are dated pop culture references and evil bullies. People won’t tell each other anything. Wildly inappropriate PE gear is worn. This was originally published in 1978. There are dated fashions and a boy has a toy Dalek. Evil bully Norma and her Joan Jett hairdo plots. Rosemary’s vile mother is vile. A cruel prank is planned. This is an okay story about a cruelly disappointed girl even if the ending is an ass-pull.

Best Lines:
“Sorry, Miss. My candle burned down. I couldn’t see what I was doing.”
“Ha, ha! I heard of saving energy. But that’s ridiculous.”

“Here comes the parkie!”

Oi! Dinner lady! Do you call this dog’s dinner mince?”

“Shame! Shame!”

“Try this caramel! I’ve only licked that!”

“I’m off to my bingo.”
“See you, mum. Don’t nick any of me fags on your way out.”

“It’s an approved school for you,”

The Four Faces Of Eve
A girl in an old fashioned nightie is in a hospital. She doesn’t know who she is, why her parents are weird and why she dreams of other people dying. What happened to Sooty the cat? Why was a tax form lying around? Purposeful malevolence is obvious as is evil will. Who is of good character? Who is Eve? Why can’t she get clear concise information about herself? Eve escapes to a circus and learns what a biomedical horror she is. There is a happy ending and this was okay. It too was from 1978.

Best Lines:
“Typical! People always want to get past you at the interesting bit.”

“Who’s going to miss you? You don’t exist.”

Dhampir by Barb & J.C. Hendee
This 2003 fantasy novel has a badly photoshopped cover, a cod-medieval setting and con-artists as the heroes. This was a dull start to the ‘Noble Dead’ saga and was not memorable and nobody was morally worthy.

Best Line:
“You elven half-wit.”