September 18th, 2016

To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: Blair Witch (2016)

This unpleasant, unacceptable and unwanted sequel was wearily familiar and full of judgmental cruelty. No lifelong dread is inspired instead one is left embittered that one paid to watch this. A group of sleazy perky morons go into the Black Hills for unascertained reasons and inevitably progress to their doom. Their group dynamic is that they yell, draw the poisonous attention of evil, get lost and act like morons and die due to subsequent wilfulness. The mythology is swollen and for the duration dread does not surge just ugly chaos. There are twigs, rocks and a witch. This was an utterly thankless piece of crud. This was worse than the franchise killing ‘Book Of Shadows’. This was full of near-pathological clichés and no unease.
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Reclamation+ Deathbringer+ V For Vendetta: From Script To Film+ The Lost Girls Of Rome

Reclamation by Sarah Zettel
This 1996 sci-fi sees people with weird names running around, an AI, an improbable planet, fearfulness, aliens, artefacts, genetic engineering, lost homeworlds and an utterly incoherent plot. There is promised terrible vengeance, data boxes and no logic.

Best Lines:
“A place that is so old and decrepit it doesn’t even have a proper atmosphere on three-quarters of its surface?”

“This arrangement is so manifestly unlikely for the production or support of human life that we didn’t even bother to look at it. It was an accident that we found your people at all.”

“Your place is elsewhere than my home.”

“Outbreeding.”

“Search for a thousand years to find you again.”

~
Deathbringer by Bryan Smith
This 2006 ‘horror’ is an unreadable mess of zombies, hell ghosts, a psycho teen, murder and no fair and reasonable behaviour. This was utterly inept and exuberantly terrible. This had no bile-inducing fear or unfathomable despair. This was not scary or amusing.

~
V For Vendetta: From Script To Film
This movie companion gives us the annotated script, concept art, storyboards, photos, behind the scenes info, commentary, graphics and poster art. This is fantastic and full of info on set design, fight choreography, stunts and costume design. This is essential.

~
The Lost Girls Of Rome by Donato Carrisi
This Italian thriller translated into English is a good read even if the twist is easily guessable. This is a tale about evil, goodness, spirituality, killers and the evolution of sin in a land of masks.

Evil ferments, there is ranting, unsettling acts and fetishisation of self pity but no real poignancy. People have a frustrating comically inept inability to grasp the obvious. There are reclusive loons with baser instincts. People bring about their own destruction. There is a bad influence, unawareness and a palpable sense of real melancholy and grandstanding.

Best Lines:
“The Christians stopped being persecuted and abandoned the catacombs. The pagans on the other hand, took refuge there.”

“Chosen the most inhospitable place on earth to hide. A place where nobody would ever think of looking for him.”
Richard/Lost

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘When The Bough Breaks’ promo
Ha.

‘Sully’ promo
Mmmm.

Best Line:
“Stay down.”

‘La La Land’ promo
No.

‘Deepwater Horizon’ trailer
Okay.

‘War On Everything’ trailer
Hee.

‘Jack Reacher: Never Go Back’ trailer
NO.

‘Crazyhead’ promo
E4 does ‘Buffy’. I’m there.

‘American Horror Story: Roanoke’ promo
WTF?

‘V For Vendetta’ trailer
An uncompromising vision of the future. There are stunts, knife-fu and darkness.

Best Line:
“Governments should be afraid of their people.”

‘100 Reasons To Watch Jericho’
The ever intense Skeet, the forgotten dog, guns, surgery by lantern light, a chick screaming in sign language, nuclear bombs, mom kissing one son and yelling at the other, unnecessary dives, mob violence, dead extras, push pins, phones from the 80s and dramatic turn Skeet.

‘Divorce’ promo
No.

‘The Wild Life’ promo
No.

Maple Bacon doughnut - nice.
Gluten free chocolate nobbles - okay.
Corn cakes - okay.
Mandarins - yum.
Whiskey doughnut - yum.

I will review ‘Viral’, ‘Brodmaw Bay’, ‘Crosstalk’, ‘The Secret City’ and ‘Behind The Throne’.

I will not review ‘The Graces’.

Who else thinks Danny Huston could play Agent Pendergast?

I won’t read ‘Nightmares’.

Why no new ‘Torchwood’?

The choc mousse I made was okay.

They’re finally filming ‘Crooked House’?

How was ‘The Last Ship’ renewed?

‘Viral’ Quotes:
“Looking distinctly unremorseful.”

“There were no rumours that he beat them up in the back of vans.”

“Circle of disgrace.”

“Disgraced young women to deposit their errors.”

Wild Arabia’ Quote:
“Sole breeding rights.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Relatively violent.”

“Reasonable being.”

“Forward planning.”

“Throwing rocks at visitors.”

“Shirked its moral responsibility.”

“Exo-biological investigation.”

“Got stuck in a ditch.”

“Patent dislike.”

“Wise aphorisms.”

“Inadvisable.”

“Reacted with scorn.”

“A poor, largely agrarian country that missed out on the Industrial Revolution.”

“I took tablets once Thursday and woke up in the police station on Sunday with no idea what happened.”

“I was out robbing.”

“To be involved in trouble.”

“Loitering for the purposes of being a common prostitute.”

“Success-free.”

“The characters learned nothing.”

“Might for example rush through a room while on fire to distract some kidnappers, or, for no apparent reason, fall several floors from an upper window onto a mattress below.”

“Trigger-happy yobs.”

“Shook his fist in the air.”

“A preening sex-addict and a bejewelled peacock with anger-management issues.”

“Undiagnosed narcissism.”

“Would scream abuse through the ceiling if she could hear them moving around.”

“Capitulate to this person’s completely unreasonable standards, and feel trapped and tense within their own home.”

“Started to scream frighteningly and bash the ceiling.”

“Small breaches of decency.”

“Particularised.”

“Kind of screws up with her hubris.”

“Dressing up in punk clothes that screams “Beat me up please” at local National Front yobs.”

“Evocative scene.”

“The band possessed just one leather jacket - which they used to take turns wearing.”

“Vertiginous ascent to fame.”

“Preposterously named.”

“Numb detachment.”

“We know that something isn’t right;”

“Seems to spend a lot of time staring at desert sunsets.”

“Insurmountable enemy.”

“Flaneur.”

“Mapping with you feet.”

“Urban perambulation.”

“Pure functionalism.”

“Full of places I wanted to discover, but didn’t know where to look for them.”

“Influencers.”

“Saved the country house from the nasty bank and the family from (relative) penury,”

“That was awful, just awful.”

“Relishing the cash and lifestyle it generated.”

“She was foul about him.”

“Geriatric-basing day.”

“It could easily not be true, couldn’t it?”

“Fantastically farcical.”

“Sex-toy-wielding psychopaths.”

“Men with psychological issues tying you to a bed and hitting you with instruments?”

“Disturbing and damaging visions.”

“Halt the fall of the human race.”

“An act of presence is very powerful.”

“Shouting and grabbing food and being very - well, Italian.”

“Incredibly damaging.”

‘Monkey Life’ Quote:
“Lick the reward off.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Kicked me out of the house 5 times.”

“Soliciting sex for money on Craigslist.”

“Thinks I’m the devil.”

“Pushed you out a moving car.”

“Immune to danger.”

“Faking pregnancies to trap boys.”

“Trade sex for money.”

“Sex videos and Craigslist.”

“Dangerous and illegal line.”

“End up in sex trafficking.”

“Very inappropriate question.”

“Define recently.”

“A really disgusted face.”

“Define babysitting.”

“Be very precise.”

“Sexy hot pics.”

“Ready for fun earning it?”

“I never did anything wrong.”

“Don’t want to be in receipt of that.”

“Don’t want us to be in possession of that.”

“Bring out creepy people.”

“They could be 50 years old.”

“What you want will come to you.”

‘Toy Story 3’ Quotes:
“A place of ruin and despair.”

“Quiet musical hog!”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ste whines that he can’t get a job. Myra sets up a fake baby daddy. Joe admires Mercedes’ lady garden. Esther has changed her hair colour again. Myra throws her hair at the moron brother of Grace. Myra screeches. James and Joanne bond. James is the latest poor man’s Andrew Scott on this show. Joe has no emotional support for anyone. Diego has a rich mother. Ste spray tans Scott orange. What is that colour? Ste decides to go into the mobile tan van business. Joanne poses on Joe’s bed. Hypnotaod lies. Kim’s burnt belongings are found in the woods.

Diego’s mother shows up, she has a demeanour of pure marble and spews insults. Ryan is sharply criticised by Esther. The arty credit sequence is okay. Hypnoatoad is systemically rotten and a bit crap. Diego’s mother is a blatant terror. Myra needs male approbation. There are no nimble plot moves. Ste is erroneous. James wears very tight shirts and is unexpectedly tolerable. He’s all demons and ambitions. Though his plotline has been slightly under-examined lately.

Tony wears a tiny crotch hugging bright yellow banana hammock as Ste spray-tans him. I wish I was making that up. Myra pretends Celine is Diego’s fiancée. Kim’s back and banging on about Jack. WTF? Jack gets a menacing phone call.

Best Lines:
“Not a judgemental one.”

“Epic frauds!”

“What absolute snakes men are.”

“What does she like?”
“Herself.”

“Backwards slum.”

“Local prostitute knows everything.”

“Disgusting people.”

“She thinks I’m pond scum.”

“What kind of favela are you living in?”

“Someone with decent work ethics in this house.”

“Your mum, when she gets out.”

“I’ll do it for 20%.”

“Very desperate.”

“She’s a bad woman.”