August 2nd, 2016

Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Girls

The Girls by Lisa Jewell
A variety of families live in homes that share a 3 acre communal garden. It seems like a peaceful sanctum but vengeful fantasies, TV-fostered illusions of love and off-puttingly smug parents lead to the wrenchingly unexpected and the reservoir of trust evaporates. This is a good tale of how feelings of discontent can lead to the loss of all rationality and reason. And how disengaged and lazy parents breed morally deficient kids incapable of empathy. This is a tale of forseeability, ignored smaller deceits and the sullied truth.

Best Lines:
“What was normal family clutter and dirt was squalor and laziness.”

“If Catkin wanted to look like a feral street urchin, that was entirely her decision.”

“Hungry feed-me eyes.”

“I do not know any of you.”

Trailers, Quotes and a 2001 Tape Tale

‘Hooten and The Lady’ promo

Best Line:
“A handbag sized crossbow.”

‘The Bucket List’ (2007) promo

‘City Of Ember’ (2007) promo

‘Jingle All The Way’ (1996) promo

‘Unleashed’ (2005) promo

‘Stormbreaker’ (2006) promo

‘Vice Principles’ promo

‘Boombot’ ad

‘The Magic Roundabout’ (2005) promo

Sicilian Hazelnut fine dark chocolate - yum.
Zesty lemon curd topped with a mouth watering combination of white lemon truffle and meringue pieces smothered in rich dark chocolate - yum.
Single origin 68% dark chocolate layered with 55% dark chocolate truffle smothered in milk and dark chocolate - no.
Smokey bacon crisps - okay.
Stinger bar - yum.

WTF is chocolate soil?

‘Outnumbered’ Quotes:
“He climbed the crockery cupboard and it fell on him.”

“It’ll give him dominance in the TV room.”

“I’m iller.”

“He’s not the kind of boy we want in this school. He’s got oppositional defiance disorder. And a pit-bull.”

“She decked him with a frying pan.”

“You watched ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ and you didn’t sleep for 6 months. And when we drove down to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.”

“You smelt like pub.”

“Screen slaves.”

“This bloke’s just put scorpions in his jockstrap.”

“He’s a liar.”
“Same with Blair.”

“Oh must we?”

“Overpaid girly tossers.”

“Have you ever seen anybody get shot?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“What, in Korea?”
“No, in a pub in Aldershot.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“With a prominent tabloid career.”

“The cultural lords of the moment.”

“Weeping Willows were unknown to Shakespeare. They did not arrive in Britain until the 18th century.”

“We despise so avidly we cannot miss it.”

“A town destroyed by three things that changed rural America: Walmart, the break up of the family farm and meth.”

“I lost my mind because of the internet.”

“Barring a brief fracas with a homeless man on Skid Row in 2014.”

“Came out of the culture that was living within limited means.”

“Girls who look like Russian models desperately fling their bodies about hoping some millionaire might pick them up.”

“Reportedly, he only carries £50 notes.”

“Like a taxi driver, but with some cash.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Feels himself a ghostly presence in his family.”

“Becomes less charming.”

“Just irritatingly French.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Would be seen as objectionable today.”

“Sneered at their good faith.”

“Verbal violence.”

“A predictable set of responses.”

“Language shapes behaviour.”

“Explicit thuggery.”

“Music I didn’t recognise.”

“Women who wear trousers were immoral.”

“Subtle logic.”

“Conscious resistance.”

“Oral connection.”

“I feel unwanted.”

“He would impersonate tortoises for 20 minutes.”

“Maybe he’ll get better and come back.”

“Stank of alcopops and sick.”

“He chose cowardice.”

“The importance of inclusion.”

“Hasn’t engaged at school.”

“Co-production model.”

“Hashtag bunkers.”

“Faux universality.”

“Modern satisfaction.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“An anger problem.”

“Practically homeless.”

“18 grand into debt.”

“Who lies about having cancer?”

“A sacred thing.”

“I’m gone.”

“A fake wife.”

“Thanks for that one.”

“What are you a victim here?”

“Emotion she throws out there.”

“An impulse not resisted.”

“How other men look at her.”

‘Idiotsitter’ Quotes:
“I love cashews. They’re the elite nut.”

“Shower phobic vegans.”

“Three toddlers and two mistresses.”

‘Fab: The Night The Beatles came To Dublin’ Quotes:
“Music I didn’t understand.”

“I hit a policeman on the head with an orange.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Drab and Lauren fawn over Paige. Like all their other children don’t exist. Tyler and Paige hump. Drab and Terese still aren’t divorced. Terese tries to arrange a financial settlement so she can but the hotel. Terese’s chosen life is appalling. Why do people always put frozen peas on bruises? Paige insults Father Jack again. What a whore she is. Lauren badmouths Terese. Madison irritates. Tyler is an ass. Someone is thrown into a very clean dumpster. Lucy betrays Paul. Terese and Madison are smug. A snake shows up.

Best Line:
“No money-bags.”

Cleared out a 2001 tape. It began with a ‘Star Trek Voyager’ ep ‘Shattered’ which had J/C stuff, time travel, bad tracking and no aesthetic sense or habitual caution. There was holodeck drama and a banal reduction in plot. This was pitiable and wretched. Respectable opinion recoils from this. Then came a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Intervention’ in which Giles is still hanging out like old man pervert. This was badly lit and a firm silence about sense is kept. This was not emotionally tense. Spike gets a sex robot with dated tech. Glory is not developed fully. This was not socially aware TV and had no elegant sparseness. Then came an ‘Angel’ ep ‘Dead End’ in which Lindsey is deeper and respectful, but not for long. This was mirthlessly dull. Interest went into relative dormancy. Lindsey has an evil hand. There are dated computer interfaces. People talk too much but do not venture into tricky emotional territory. Lindsey leaves and in season 5 came back as an undifferentiated one trick creation. Bravo TPTB.

Finally there was a ‘Kindred: The Embraced’ ep ‘Live Hard, Die Young And Leave A Good Looking Corpse’. A pretentious singer (Ivan Sergei) who thinks he is Jim Morrison sings 90s music. Sasha is an ingrate. Lili thinks she is fatal in her allure, she is just harrowingly tedious and not the arch manipulator she thinks she is. Julian is harsh and brooding. Sasha is intentionally annoying. A love triangle erupts. Cash is dim-witted. Lili is not a tastemaker. The opening credits are nice. Creative possibilities for this ep are hampered by bad acting. Why do Kindred aka vampires need to wear motorcycle helmets? There is 90s hair and this ep was as substantial as melted down VHS tape.

Zane aka rocker boy creates more Kindred. It is not an affecting turn. There is no aching mood of emotion. Frank wanders on screen and brings inevitable unhappiness with his wretched acting. Does Julian’s home have no security? Sasha wears a choker and clunky shoes. There is no deep-seated unresolved tension. Caitlin gets involved. Armed robberies take place. Caitlin and her characteristic passivity bore. This was not graceful and coherent. There are huge collars and Zane seems incapable of buttoning his shirt. Zane is not unspoilt and egofree. His singing is college rock band level, if that.

Sunlight doesn’t bother the Kindred. There is no innate despair in this ep. The acting is pathetically appalling. Frank is an ass. This was a ruinous ruckus. Lili can’t speak in normal sentences. Frank is crudely vindictive. Lili is selfish. Caitlin acts like her writing matters. Excessive hair gel is sported. Lili is a vocal devotee of herself. Frank is useless. This show was of wildly oscillating quality. Lili whips out a killer fingernail. There was dated computer stuff. Caitlin can’t punctuate. Lili’s permissive attitude and misguided affection led to all this bother. The new Kindred is still around and ignored and never seen or mentioned again. This ep was insignificant.

Best Lines:
“Stepped off as a legend.”

“Rock stars aren’t known for their discretion.”

“Remember who you are.”

“Did we do drugs?”
“You did me.”

“Walk away.”

“We’re the other side of life.”

“A bad element does hang out here.

“Something dark waiting for them there.”
Illya K

Movie Reviews: Stripes +Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of + 5 others

Stripes (1981)
Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, P.J. Soles, John Larroquette, Sean Young, John Diehl, Judge Reinhold and John Candy star. Ramis has HUGE hair and there is sexism and funny foreigner jokes. This cheap and cheerless and the heroes have deep psychotic aggression. This was turgid and not solid or competent. The characters are resolutely not refined. There are many naked scenes by women. There are verbal incitements offered. This was not carefully hewn. Murray is similarly repellent in every movie. He’s disparaging and has no mournful grandeur.

The ’heroes’ have an adversarial relationship with society. The ‘heroes’ see joining the army as the rational solution to life. Didn’t ‘Private Benjamin’ do the same plot? This was not a gently mocking depiction of mildly military life. The commander (Laroquette) is not impressed with the non tough-minded hobo looking gang. There is no eerily potent nostalgia fuel nor was it poignantly lively.

This was gleefully tasteless and not a shining light of 80s cinema. ‘Combat Academy’ was better than this. People get volcanically riled. The army is not a harsher, lonelier reality. This has no elegance or dignity. All of the recruits seem manifestly unsuitable for the army. The women do all the knicker free antics. The men just have self congratulation. That Charlie Sheen movie ‘Cadence’ was better than this. This has no socio-political subtexts. This is full of wannabe subversive dirt. The gang end up in European command and have an adventure. One is choked rigid by the illogic and an unlawful incursion. There is more yelling and this was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“If that’s humour, don’t bother.”

“You look like a typical lowlife character to me.”

“I wish I was a loofah.”

“I got ways of finding out myself.”

“I see your kind come and go.”


“Kicked out of every decent country in the world.”

Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of (2015)
A documentary about the reunion of the 90s boy band. The corn fed middle America boys don’t really discuss their pervert manager. This was dull.

Witness (1985)

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

The Great St Trinian’s Train Robbery (1966)

Hot Fuzz (2007)

The Pure Hell Of St Trinian’s (1960)
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To Light The Way To Bed

The Musketeers 3x10 + Shades Of Blue 1x03 + Madam Secretary 1x04 Reviewed

We Are The Garrison
The curtain falls. Treville is dead and Athos doesn’t take his hat off in church. This was confected history and there is no outer sense of time passing. There is a reality chasm. Refugee woman and Constance make viewers dismissive, impatient and uninterested. Gaston is the TRUE heir because Louis XIV is a bastard. Social decay sets in. Athos isn’t drinking, it’s like a ‘Titus’ ep. Grief is tacked on. Treville had no cognitive ability. Street urchins couldn’t be musketeers, they had to be noble. The baddie is endlessly elusive. Milady is back in the opening credits.

The musketeers don’t seem to like each other very much. Their dispute with the baddie is foully bad tempered. The garrison is blown up. Sadly Constance doesn’t die. Cultural values foreign to the time are shown. D’artagnan calls Constance a musketeer, no she damn well isn’t. There is a concealing of interest and added aggression. There are no innate facts or despair. The acting is markedly unconvincing. The baddie is roundly, deeply and rightly loathed for his stupid plan. There is no moral purpose.

There is death and this was not a stylish study. Athos does a growling delivery. Refugee woman is knocked up. The baddie's motives cannot withstand scrutiny. Since when does Constance have medical skills? No genuine feelings are invoked. D’artagnan is untroubled by the crap he caused. Ex-Red Guard guy is outraged by the affronts he suffered. This was not as defining as it thinks it is. D’artagnan murders someone. Porthos gets a woman. Constance is the stupidest bint who ever lived. The baddie is entirely friendless. Male threat responses kick in. There is emotional over-thinking.

The Queens of France wore WHITE as mourning. Anne of Austria wears a huge tacky crown. The Bourbons did not care about their subjects. A nice cathedral is visited. Louis XIV wears a gaudy crown. There is another gunpowder plot. Athos is a moron. Why is there a lake inside a cathedral? Athos murders a guy. Slowly and inexorably they’ve become awful people.

The Revolution is coming. Anne of Austria is an approval seeker and does dumb things. Sense is badly served. Louis XIV speaks. The foursome get new paths: Porthos is a General, the war grinds on, Aramis is first minister, Milady is hired by Anne of Austria to kill Gaston aka the true King of France, Anne of Austria plots and Gaston is murdered. D’artagan is made captain and finally gets a hat to sit on top of his blow-dry. Athos heads off. Constance will not shut up. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“You are indeed alone now.”

“Are you my new servant Aramis?”

“Turn. Lift.”

“We need no authority.”

“You are no longer the King’s Guard.”

“Will. He. Come?”

“What made you so cruel?”

“No honour.”

“Not without use.”

“Few speak well of her.”

False Face, False Heart
Woz had a daughter who killed herself. The FBI annoys. Tess is trashy and borderline psychotic. Harlee has a motive to help Woz. Harlee keeps taking her clothes off. A dead NYU student is found. Stahl is overzealous. Harlee has malleability. A hooker yells. Harlee is not necessarily proud of herself or is she? The gang are disarmingly straightforward with their badness

The fallout from the shooting in 1x01 goes on. Woz grows more and more suspicious of Harlee. A 3D printed gun is involved in a mysterious death. Woz has a major secret. Whoa - did not see that coming. Stahl is an egocentric little creep. Stahl has custody issues with an evil ex. Stahl is a creepy abuser type. Woz waves a gun and screeches in full on crazy Ray Liotta fashion. Harlee sloppy kisses the new DA. Mediocre.

Best Lines:
“You ain’t got to sweet-talk a ho.”

“King panty dropper.”

“You asked a whore how to woo?”
“Who says woo? What are you, Amish?”

“Innovative technology major.”

“You thought coming here was a good idea?”

“You want to hurt me? Do it yourself.”

“How the kid got dead.”

“Finish the sentence.”

“Got hit with ineffective assistance.”

“Feed lips are bent.”

“Dibs on the pimp.”

Just Another Normal Day
A Chinese girl requests political asylum. Elizabeth has inappropriate emotions and international order is threatened. There is widespread bad feeling, plotting and conniving. This was not dramatically complex. Elizabeth has a ruinous creed and has dark concerns. There is exaggeration, falsification and downright lying. Elizabeth’s children are brats. The asylum girl has a sister. There are secrets and Elizabeth is an essential threat to morals. Things get highly emotive. Elizabeth continually ignores sense. The bratty daughter is not an avatar of idealism. Elizabeth is not a gleaming citadel of integrity. There is no icy pragmatism just non-engagement with sense. There is another reveal. Elizabeth rants and makes the world a murkier place. Morally questionable and objectionable practices take place leading to outrage. No.

Best Lines:
“Pit laughter.”

“Now she sounds desperate.”

“They have handshake issues.”

“Things were said. Feelings were hurt.”