June 23rd, 2016

Scary Books

Versailles 1x04+Penda’s Fen+FindingCarter(2014-2016)1x01 +Houdini&Doyle1x06+The Border 1x01 Reviewed

Versailles 1x04
Louis is inflexible and needs his ego soothed. This was not an intense evocation of the past. This had no luminous imagery. Jealously ill becomes Louis and a woman wants her daughter to join his very list of mistresses. This had no serene glamour. This unsatisfactory episode leaves one indifferent. This is beneath my attention. The king’s skulking heavy has no concept of evidentiary processes. Louis engages in ridiculous sulky buffoonery.

Louis sends a friend off to war over a woman. Said woman caught his eye. Louis selfishness is awesome. Louise wants to go to a nunnery. Henrietta is bothered by her husband’s vile boytoy. There is death and plotting. The Queen talks to Louise. There is foreshadowing of the War of The Spanish Succession. The King is injured and the female doctor attends him. People plot. The doctor warns his daughter, she does not listen. Louis speaks to a churchman - is he Mazarin? Louis makes many badly delivered speeches. Philippe goes into battle.

Best Lines:
“Beauty unlocks many doors.”

“Misery suits you.”

“I will soon be gone in your eyes.”

“Fight to the end to defend it.”

“Wrath has its station.”

“Marriage more than duty.”

“You emptied the contents of your bladder all over my kitchen.”

“There we are rolling on the floor pissing on one another.”

Penda’s Fen (1974)
This BBC TV play is considered outstanding but has no charisma or intensity. There badly dressed people, fields, a voiceover, sheep, heresy, pastoral horror and religious anguish. This is considered an unforgettable vision of an alternative England and a spiritual quest. An over-reaching evange-bro has moral certainty.

This was not vauntingly ambitious and was not good in any meaningful sense. An annoying boy mumbles about collective memory and hermetic language. This was not an intense evocation of anything as the malignant goblin gurns. This had no desolation and came across as an unrealistic caricature.

Best Lines:
“A terrible silence.”

“Some of us are learning to defend our country.”

“England’s last hope.”

“Your buckles are disgusting! Male and female must both be clean.”

“We do not have political censorship.”

“Atheististic and subversive trash!”

“Those who exercise eternal vigilance on its behalf!”

“Modern wilderness of amorality.”

This cancelled show centres on a smart mouth named Carter who has inept mom and criminal friends. She’s a smug unlikable idiot with no idea of social consequences. She is arrested and her fingerprints reveal that her name isn’t Carter and her fun mom Lori is actually her abductor. Carter’s real name is Lyndon and she was snatched when she was 3. She has no respectful interaction with her father (Alexis Denisof of ‘Angel’) and mother Elizabeth (Cynthia Watros of ‘Lost’) and grandmother (Meredith Baxter of ‘Family Ties’ and many a true crime miniseries).

Carter is an abysmal person who has a total repudiation of sense. She resents her parents and twin sister Taylor. Carter has no concept of the unfathomable grief her family have been through. Elizabeth is a cop and Lori stalked them when Carter was a toddler. Her father picks fights and has an idiotic literary agent. Carter does recall her grandfather. Carter has displacement and is rude and has a complaint register. This was okay but escapes greatness and has anti-realist dialogue.

This was not enduringly meaningful. The family have money issues. Carter lionises her abductor and inflames situations and assumes the worst of Elizabeth. Carter steals the boy Taylor likes and has a chilling, calm and deliberate plan to reunite with her abductor. She has an emotional indifference and no particular integrity. Taylor has a profound grudge over her over-protected upbringing.

Carter is a person of no account with no moral standards. She does have ingratitude and the utmost coldness. Carter is nasty, vile and exceptionally disrespectful. I have a demonstrably low tolerance for her. She’s dramatic and emotionally manipulative. She has an all-knowing little brother. Elizabeth is having an affair with Taylor’s crush’s father. The cops miss Lori as she walks right by them. Carter causes disunion and spews aspersions. I loathe the thankless rude little bitch.

Best Lines:
“Emotionally chaotic day.”

“I’m the replacement child.”

“It’s my job to be insensitive.”

“That’s her name now.”

“People not remembering you exist.”

“She’s my mother and you’ve taken me away from her.”

The Monsters Of Nethermoor
A man and his woman are attacked. The female police woman has secrets that the gross twosome are obsessed with. I’m losing my patience with this humourless and exasperating show. Houdini believes in alien abduction and Doyle is the Scully. A woman babbles about goblins and Slavs. There are some rather modern attitudes. There are secrets and a hidden dark secret in the town. The duo are uncover a 50 year old secret that is like something out of a Guy N Smith novel or maybe Richard Laymon. This was sappy and stupid.

Best Lines:
“Stupid Martian sighting.”

“We know there are canals on Mars.”

The Border (2014) 1x01
This Polish drama is known as ‘Wataha’ in its homeland. The bumfaced ‘hero’ broods. This has nice opening credits but that is all that is good about this mess. This was low-key with an earnest tone and wacky shenanigans on the Polish/Ukraine border. There are disconcerting aspects that include sex, singing and an 80s perm. Then there is a wolf and stuff blows up.

Nobody looks even vaguely interested. This was slapdash, moronic, disingenuous and craven. This was bottom scrapping. The dank and murky bowels of Poland are explored. Violent louts have cold withered hearts. Bumface the only survivor is the only suspect. There are increasingly lax standards of acting and so much bad hair. I cringe-watched this tale of man-pain.

Best Line:
“You’re not even worth a beating.”

Movie Review: Blue Valentine + The Sweetest Thing

Blue Valentine (2010)
A nice husband is treated with contempt by his surly wife. This was dull with horrible people and joyless sex. The sour miserable wife will not stop whining. I hated this and her.

Best Line:
“We’re supposed to eat this garbage?”

The Sweetest Thing (2002)
Bad and vulgar.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

'Containment’ promo
There is chaos, plague and a cordon and I’m there.

Best Line:
“Fatal in 100% of its victims.”

‘Intruder’ trailer
Another home invasion horror. No.

‘Game Of Thrones’ promo
Sansa needs to die.

‘Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie’ TV spot

Best Lines:
“If you want things. You have to pay for them.”

‘Donnie Brasco’ (19970 promo

Wheat, dairy & gluten free salted caramel fruit & nut nibbles - good.
Cloudy lemonade - okay.

‘Supergirl’ season 2 will have Lynda Carter! Yay!

There will a ‘Stakeland 2’?

They’re remaking ‘Death Wish’?

Amber Heard was Greta in ‘Hidden Palms’!

‘First Wave’ was a terrible TV show.

I will not review ‘The Catch’ 1x05 ‘The Laragon Gambit’.

‘Monkey Life’ Quotes:
“What they can’t fight to hold on to.”


“Tough babies.”

“Incredibly dangerous animals.”

‘The Guardian’ Quote:
“Banned from all pubs in the high street.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Faking his so called mental illness.”

“She doesn’t have a stepbrother.”

“Still smokes pot all the time.”

“Was there a tornado?”

“Locked her in the basement.”

“How toxic that is.”

“His stuffed sloth.”

“A car accident that never happened.”

“You rat bastard.”

“All excuses.”

“Threatened to beat us up.”

“You precious thing.”

“Lose the house and the horses.”

“I do not feel that it’s all my fault.”

“Words can’t be taken back.”

“They tricked me into coming.”

“Embellish their reality.”

“Enhance their reality.”

“Hateful lies.”

“Against everybody’s advice.”

“I’m not lazy.”

“What she’ll do to retaliate.”

“Nobody listened to us at all.”

“Viperous lying.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“This horrible case.”

“Stop shouting.”

“Repeated fake attempts.”

“A reflective and thoughtful individual.”

“Ended up murdered in her bedroom.”

“Knife-point robbery.”

“Making a false statement to obtain benefits.”

“Self-absorbed, ill-tempered domineering.”

“Every whim was to be responded to.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Some awful flaw of mine that I haven’t even been aware of all of life is about to be revealed to me.”

“Wants me to change my behaviour in some way I won’t like.”

“Brooding over the many negative possibilities.”


“Birth horror stories.”

“No other health service has been criticised as often or as trenchantly.”

“Do not inspire confidence.”

“Censorious attitudes.”

“Disempowering model.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Has seen countless civilisations come and go. Some have vanished without trace,”

“Could transmit news by pigeon post from the Euphrates to Cairo in only 12 hours.”

“The original Crusader chapel - with a set of secret passages beneath.”

‘Rebels’ Quote:
“I’ll have your guts strung out on the palace lawn and pound your boobs flat with a croquet mallet.”

‘The Daily Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Refusal of any voluntary engagement.”

“Don’t want people ascribing views to her.”

“Pay to pray.”

“Telling us how we can and how we cannot celebrate.”

“Fearful of his volcanic temper.”

“The true circumstances of which may never be revealed.”

“Claimed he enjoyed fighting because it helped improve his moods.”

“Threw a Bible at a secret service agent’s head.”


“Beribboned bottom cleavage.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Paige, Brennan and others have distain for the glaringly obvious fact that Paul is innocent and John had something to do with the explosion. Xanthe and Angus do inauspicious things. I read spoilers - everybody whose got it coming will get what is coming. Xanthe and Angus seem destined to end up in a ‘Wolf Creek’ sitch. Lauren and Paige are selfish. Brennan has machinations. Brennan is the only cop in town.

Brennan’s brothers are energy eaters. Nobody cares about Paul. Angus sulks. Lauren and Paige are a couple of slags, Paige always seems to be wearing a t-skirt and Angus wears a shirt that looks made from an 80s fluoro ski-suit. Susan revs up the gush-o-meter to fawn over Angus. John Doe is supposed to be menacing but he just bores. Paige doesn’t care about Josh’s death or anyone’s grief just John’s todger. You don’t get lower than that. John screws up his face and it is all about Paige.

Paige is selfish. John twitches. Brad’s selfish and moronic. Terese is relentlessly dismissive of sense. Stuff happens off screen. There is a toxic atmosphere in the area. Julie Quill and her bizarre accent is arrested. She confesses. Paige is stupid and declares her love for John. As for John Doe his real identity comes out and it’s moronic. People finally realise that a serious injustice has been committed on Paul. Terese manufactures failure,

Best Lines:
“This isn’t the paint fumes talking?”

“It’s called a warrant.”

“Is there a law against shopping?”

“What if we were wrong Brad?”

“Paul’s innocent.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Magican King + The Rival Queens

The Magician King by Lev Grossman
I didn’t know Lev Grossman is the brother of the author of ‘Soon I Will Be Invincible’. In this sequel, Quentin is now one of the rulers of the wonderful magical land of Fillory. He has earnestness and people have odd fealty to him. But soon even self-serving Quentin and his awesome insensitivity realises something is wrong in the world of magic. Meanwhile flashback chapters show how Julia went disturbingly downhill after her rejection from magic school. She went into the underground to capture the lingering spectre of the divine.

This is a very good tale about the price, absolute fear and monstrously unjust toil of magic. People have adventures in a magic land and on Earth where unsettlingly delicious things happen. People are not terribly wise and search for spiritual totems and get meagre consolation from their awesome power.

Best Lines:
“He’d rather hoped it would involve drawing unholy sigils in the sand in letters of fire ten feet high, and flinging open the portal to hell.”

“Pretty lucid for a document prepared by a guy who lived in a cave.”

“Better never to have lived, when the old gods return.”

“There will never be another chance.”

The Rival Queens: Catherine de’Medici, Her Daughter Marguerite de Valois, and the Betrayal That Ignited a Kingdom by Nancy Goldstone
This historical biography is an excellent account of the infamous Queen of France, her ill-fated unloved daughter who lived most of her life in open misery, religious wars, civil wars, assassinations, paranoia that regularly erupted in increasingly preposterous ways, battles, duels, felonious grasping lovers, executions, the discomfiture of royal marriages and violent rhetoric.

This was a time of paranoid delirium and ominous portents where being born a Princess did not entitle Marguerite to solicitous protection or stop her life from going drastically wrong. This is a story of royal husbands treating their wives in ways that cannot be justified and shows how the house of Valois squandered its credibility and plunged a country into bloody catastrophe. It is a tale of when religion was an inviolable absolute, Nostradamus made dark predictions, royal siblings ramping minor arguments up into shouting matches and murder and the evil consequences thereof. And how one woman had the grim satisfaction of being the last living member of her wretched murderous family.

Best Lines:
“Afterthought of a wife,”

“This man is the scourge of god,”

“Remained in the bedroom to observe their efforts,”

“She wore a locket stuffed with a cremated frog.”

“One is continually burning someone of the lower class.”

“He explained with characteristic incoherence.”

“Unlawful, profane, indecent sex.”

“Never did a woman who loved her husband succeed in loving his whore...For one cannot call her otherwise, although the word is horrid to us,”

“L’Escadron Volant,”

“Perhaps not the optimal operation for a devout Catholic living in the 1500s.”

“Hated him to the death.”

“Shall I never have a moment’s quiet? Must I have fresh troubles every day?”

“Would not be around to gloat at his death.”

“They suggested suspicions.”

“Everything is falling apart in ruin.”

“Deliver the court from her contagious presence.”

“You cannot be ignorant of all the evil that was said of her.”